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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have sent all the children home from the sleepover, before they had even gone to sleep...

276 replies

Waterstick · 18/09/2016 12:11

My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so I thought Hmm he wanted a sleepover (he's 9) and most people are having them now.

When they arrived, they didn't really interact with DS, just between each other and every time they laughed, DS seemed to just come out to me.

I was upstairs doing general tidying, but hear DS start to cry, he was some how trapped in the toilet, the kids seemed to be engaged with the telly and wouldn't speak when I asked about it. DS cannot lock the door, but yet it's not hard to lock from the outside with a coin. DS swore to me that he never touched the lock so wasn't sure why he was stuck in there.

Honestly, the whole time it felt like they didn't want DS there and it was his party! The bit that then topped it over the edge was when my son was trying to put a DVD into the telly and one of them shoved him out the way and quickly changed the DVD. I saw that and told them that it wasn't okay and they were all going home.

It just wasn't on, I'm quite horrified.

Rant over.

I probably was being U though.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/09/2016 16:25

It's just because people are jumping on me about forcing him to have the sleepover

Nobody is or was jumping on you.
Asking for clarification is hardly jumping on anyone. You did jump on people who asked about it.
Just giving you the benefit of the doubt, though, as some pps were unfair on you. But some of your replies are unwarranted.
Which makes me think that some accusing you of overreacting to the boys could have a point.
It doesn't hurt to say you can see how some of what you wrote could be misunderstood and clarify it.

Original poster
Waterstick · 18/09/2016 16:26

Maddy, thank you! I had no idea that people thought they were joined together!! I didn't realise that's how it read, the face was basically the end of the sentence. Really sorry for the misunderstanding

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterstick · 18/09/2016 16:27

X post

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/09/2016 16:28

All good. :)

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2016 16:29

Tbh if I was a shy 9 year old boy, and kids at my sleepover were ignoring me or treating me that way, I would latch onto somebody safe like mum. He is only 9 fgs, not an adult. Op you did the right thing, you instilled your own boundaries, and let your son know you supported him. They don't sound too nice, I hope he makes some nice friends later on. Mabey clubs or societies outside school.

Rachel0Greep · 18/09/2016 16:36

I remember one of my nephews used to ask to go when he was young but was quite happy to be able to say he wasn't allowed. He just was not ready, but didn't want to lose face, so that gave him an easy way out.

OP, I think you were right. Maybe one child at a time, in due course, possibly none of the ones that were there this time around. There is no rush either to have sleepovers, and for some children they can be a bit of an ordeal.

Crocodillian · 18/09/2016 16:37

I dont think yabu op, that must have been a horrible thing to watch. My ds is also 9 and I've watched the dynamics between him and his "friends" at school. He was being picked on last year for various reasons including his colour, to the point that the school called me to say that a lunchtime supervisor had witnessed a worrying incident; so I know it wasnt just me being precious or my ds telling tales. It was horrible. I was bullied quite badly and still dwell on it now, I was devastated that my ds was going through it.
It's so hard to know what to do. I didnt want to make it harder for him by being the boy whose mum is up the school complaining about her poor baby, but I couldnt just ignore it. In the end the head was really helpful in getting the boys in that group to understand how to treat each other. It wasnt about punishment it was about learning to respect each other. It turned out that it wasnt just my ds that had an issue with these boys, there were others, one even moved schools.
It's all ok now. I wasnt convinced that the heads approach would work but I cant fault him, he's bedn great with them all.
The boys have lovely parents and weren't fundamentally bad children, they were just children who weren't very sensitive and didnt know what its like to be the one laughed at or the one who's excluded. Thats why Im surprised at some pp's comments about the other boys. They are just little boys.
I think if parents at the school ask what happened the only way to go is to say that the children didnt want to play with your son and were snatching from him etc. I'd try a 1:1 play date for a couple of hours after school. Very few children genuinely mean to be horrible and when they get the chance to bond one on one with your ds im sure they'd be much nicer.

Laiste · 18/09/2016 16:37

OP don't fret. The vast majority here have said you did the right thing in at least in so much as you stuck up for your son at the time in the way you thought best Flowers (The only truly unreasonable course of action would have been to have been too cowardly to address the situation and let it grind on until they left the next morning. Horrible for your son! You didn't do that, so well done.)

OP was hurt and angry for her child and acted, and is now concerned about how she handled it. I'm sure she welcomes constructive criticism, and ideas about how to handle the fall out, but I'm really surprised at how many posters are determined to twist the OPs words to make the scenario subtly different - to infer that the invited boys weren't that badly behaved Hmm

FarAwayHills · 18/09/2016 16:41

YANBU

These boys do not seem to be the good friends you and your DS thought they were. I would be asking the school for their opinions and to keep a closer eye on things for signs of bullying.

I have a one friend only rule for sleepovers and it would normally be a child that I know well and that's been for tea or play before. One friend means more chance of some sleep, less hyper hysterical midnight antics and less likely to be argue. This works both ways as the parents also feel more secure knowing their child is comfortable here. I never understand parents that pack their DC off to spend the night with total strangers- but that's a whole other thread.

KathArtic · 18/09/2016 16:53

OP, we've all had sleepovers-from-hell. Sometimes you just get it wrong.

Too many kids, too many sweets, too late to sleep, the nightmare child, they don't like your food, they 're too hot, they're too cold, there's always one that cries (usually me).

RJnomore1 · 18/09/2016 16:55

I'm certainly not trying to twist anything but I can see a very different scenario where the boy keeps coming to his mum because he's socially uncomfortable in the group rather than the group have actually done anything - then mums sitting on top of them with him and they don't actually know what to say because THEY are 9 as well so yes there's giggling about the odd situation and they go quiet when birthday boy comes over. It's all rather odd.

Op has your son been on play dates or had small groups of friends round to your before? How did they go? I don't think it's at all entitled of a parent to say a child who has been to a lot of sleepovers without incident has not had a problem before btw. I'd be very surprised for example if something like this hapoened with dd2 and that's based on knowing my child abd her having a long track record of successful sleepovers at home abd at her friends.

Of course the other scenario which occurred to me abd worries me is the one posted up there where he's been coerced into asking them over too. Which is a totally different scenario.

But no I don't think it's cut and dry and I'm not willing to label the other 9 year old boys involved as heartless bullies when it's not clear if the situation arose due to birthday boys poor social skills not being handled well by the other children. Which is not making excuses for them op - it's pointing out that they are 9 too abd don't have a full range of mechanisms to cope in situations they are not comfortable with either.

Have they ever been to your home before now?

WankingMonkey · 18/09/2016 16:57

You'll have made it really difficult for him at school, they'll all be talking about it on Monday sad. Why didn't you just stay in the room with them until lights out, when you saw the way things were going?

I think staying in the room would have made it even more of a talking point. If they are bullying the poor lad then it would be 'X made him mammy sit in with us, hahahaha' etc.

YWNBU. I would have done the same. Horrible little gits kids can be sometimes

I wonder if maybe your son wanted the sleepover to 'fit in' with the cruel kids..maybe thinking along the lines of 'they will think I am cool' but it didn't turn out like that Sad

Original poster
Waterstick · 18/09/2016 16:59

My son is shy, but that doesn't mean he has poor social skills!

He has a couple of good friends with his Cubs group. They often come over for dinner. It's just he specifically asked for these boys to come over for the sleepover.

I don't know, it's hard to explain, but when you could have seen how they were just looking at him when he came over, it was sad.

OP posts:
reader77 · 18/09/2016 17:01

I think you did the right thing. I'd have done the same.

You know your son and you knew he was uncomfortable. If home can't be a safe place, where can.

Good for you.

RJnomore1 · 18/09/2016 17:09

It is very very hard to give a definitive explanation online in words op. I've asked a few times though why he kept coming out to you at the start - what was he saying?

I don't like the demonisation of the other boys based on not a lot of evidence thats gone on from some posters on this thread.

I'm taking it these boys haven't been round before, that's mibbe a wee lesson too in getting the round individually/for shorter periods before the overnighter.

dowhatnow · 18/09/2016 17:11

It has been suggested that you role play how he is going to react tomorrow to the fall out. I think that's a brilliant suggestion as if he can adopt a nonchalant, I don't care, attitude then any bullying will be more short-lived. I'd also speak to the teacher and hopefully you can both reassure him that he can go to them if it gets too much.

Original poster
Waterstick · 18/09/2016 17:12

Oh, sorry. Missed that.

He just kept saying that they don't like him, so when I brought him back to where they were and he sat down, they just stares at him, so when I was back doing what I was doing, DS came back to me to say that they don't want him playing, etc etc

The thing is, I get its hard to label the boys, but they really were nasty...

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Tissunnyupnorth · 18/09/2016 17:15

I think they can be very overwhelming at that age. Perhaps (if) he asks, just try one friend next time.

RJnomore1 · 18/09/2016 17:17

You know, I'd be trying to have a chat with him about it today abd get a bit more info about how he usually gets on with them.

There's another possibility that the three of them are very good friends - which doesn't make it better btw! - but if they are used to doing things with the three of them it's hard to change that dynamic, and they were in unfamiliar surroundings for them too.

Fwiw as there were four of them I'd have got out some sort of game to play two v two - split them up a bit and see how that went.

I8toys · 18/09/2016 17:26

You did the right thing. I might go into school on Monday and just have a word with his teacher to keep an eye on things after what has happened. If we don't say anything about this type of behaviour it will never stop.

We try as parents to help our children socialize but sometimes its not worth it. I would just let him hang out with one or two close friends. They make and lose them frequently as they move through school anyway but if he's not comfortable with large groups and the popular crowd - leave him be.

FarAwayHills · 18/09/2016 17:36

He specifically asked these boys for a sleepover

How does your DS feel about the whole thing? Have you asked why he invited them? Have you asked if these boys treat him like this at school? It sounds like he asked them over to try to fit in or earn their friendship. You've said that he is shy so perhaps he is not comfortable group situations and this was all too much.

bringbacksideburns · 18/09/2016 17:37

"I'm surprised at the amount of people who say they're worried about how things will go tomorrow"
Me too. They are 9!!

So her son is supposed to sit there, clearly not enjoying himself on his own Birthday because he's not pushy and bossy!!?
He was having a shit time being excluded, OP you picked up on it and decided to end it and I think that was right.
On Monday you can just chat to the parents who weren't Hmm and just say next time he'll try a one to one sleepover instead because it wasn't really working with them all.
There will be a ringleader and they will all know who it is dont worry about that. I would be telling my son to be kind on Monday if I was one of those parents.

Get a friend from Cubs round into a couple of weeks and have them overnight and as everyone had said, don't have more than one child in future.

Blu · 18/09/2016 17:43

They were being horrible.

Try again in a couple of weeks, one child, that your DS knows and trusts, and preferably one where you know the parents.

Your poor DS.

LugsTheDog · 18/09/2016 17:53

So how did you phrase it to the parents OP? You must have been either pretty blunt or very canny to convey enough fault to elicit an apology. Did you simply say their behaviour was too poor?

ClopySow · 18/09/2016 17:59

I think you absolutely did the right thing and i'm really very shocked at how much of a hard time you've been given on here.

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