To have sent all the children home from the sleepover, before they had even gone to sleep...

[Waterstick]

My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so I thought he wanted a sleepover (he's 9) and most people are having them now.

When they arrived, they didn't really interact with DS, just between each other and every time they laughed, DS seemed to just come out to me.

I was upstairs doing general tidying, but hear DS start to cry, he was some how trapped in the toilet, the kids seemed to be engaged with the telly and wouldn't speak when I asked about it. DS cannot lock the door, but yet it's not hard to lock from the outside with a coin. DS swore to me that he never touched the lock so wasn't sure why he was stuck in there.

Honestly, the whole time it felt like they didn't want DS there and it was his party! The bit that then topped it over the edge was when my son was trying to put a DVD into the telly and one of them shoved him out the way and quickly changed the DVD. I saw that and told them that it wasn't okay and they were all going home.

It just wasn't on, I'm quite horrified.

Rant over.

I probably was being U though.

I maybe wrong, but I'm getting the impression that the OP's son may have been pushed into inviting the group for a sleepover. I hope this wasn't the case but I'd gently talk to my child and see how the idea came about - was this his idea originally or someone else's? 🤔🙁

In my personal experience, I have found that a large percentage of parents do not react well when they find out their child has regularly been behaving badly and exhibiting bullying behaviour at school, etc. They are quick to deny it's bullying and blame others for their children's actions.

Good posts ChocolateWombat.

I still don't understand how the boys would have known that the door to the loo could be locked by using a coin, would have found a coin (you don't usually take money to a sleepover) and locked him in, without anyone noticing. I would have expected them to have been giggling and shouting about it if they had. I still think it's far more likely your son locked himself in as they were outside and simply doesn't want to say that.

Sorry, but this bit isn't plausible.

It sounds like you were very stressed out and your son was too, it isn't usual for children to come to their mums when they have friend over, not mine anyway. That, coupled with the stress him being locked in the loo seems to have tipped you over the edge- those were very blunt phonecalls which will have massively put the cat amongst the pigeons on many levels. A shove over the DVD isn't nice, but I have noticed this type of behaviour at a sleepover/parties when they are overexcited, and that's exactly why I manage all DVD choosing/food choices/structuring the whole thing.

I think the only way forward is small steps, one child over a time, one sleepover at a time (one child) and so forth.

I don't think the sleepover was unsaveable, but I think you got very stressed yourself and wanted out yourself which isn't quite the same thing. You could have even had a word with them and a warning before going for the nuclear option. You were basically angry and mad to make that many phone calls and speak like that, and I'm not sure what the boys did actually warranted that. But I wasn't there and perhaps the excluding was more active and nastier than it comes across here.

Chocolatewombat's post is very sensible and logical but unfortunately some people will never accept that their child does anything wrong no matter how diplomatic you try to be.

I do think it was a big mistake to have more than one child for a sleepover. I've heard of this going wrong several times. Ds once had two friends for his birthday sleepover. One boy just seemed determined not to join in no matter what. I tried to get him to join in and even stopped the other two from doing things that the third one didn't want to do! Xbox? No. Drawing? No. Football in the garden? No. He still went home and told his mum he'd been left out! She's a very good friend and when she mentioned I said perhaps I'd made a mistake in having three. I wouldn't dare tell her the truth. Her ds does find group situations difficult. Could the Op's son be the same?

Oh gosh kids can be so horrible, YANBU I would have done the same thing, no questions ask.

I think you did the right thing.

Children need to feel comfortable & safe in their homes.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

You did the right thing, OP. Your son knows he doesn't have to accept being treated badly. And hopefully the other boys now know that if they're nasty, they'll be called on it. Although if their parents are like some on here, this is apparently normal 9yo behaviour for them.

Talk to him about strategies for dealing with nasty behaviour at school or anywhere else, if necessary.

how did today so for you & DS? Hope all was peaceful and nice...

Thanks for asking

Everything was fine actually, DS says he played with his other friends and that the boys just didn't speak to him.

The mums didn't talk to me either. Oh well, DS was happy and the teacher said everything was fine and there was no issues.

Thanks everyone else for all the comments!

Glad today went ok for your DS, hopefully it all goes back to normal now and the mums get a grip and let it go.

Oh good. At least they left him alone.

I've been reading this thread very carefully - I'm shocked at the behaviour of these boys but unfortunately have seen this kind of thing happen all too often. I'm so glad things went much better than expected today for your DS , OP. I went to school with a group of bitchy girls but I NEVER saw bad behaviour at another child's birthday party.

I've been thinking about this and I think that what would be ideal would be to take time away building his self confidence, letting him talk perhaps about what happened and getting him to talk about relationships in general in a matter of fact way, and I agree with a poster up thread who said a change of school might be a good idea - there's nothing like a fresh start to improve things.

You don't need a coin to lock the door. You can use lots of things; am guessing this lock is the same as ours. The poster a few posts away is wrong to imply that the boys weren't capable of locking him in. It is very easy to do plus one of them may have the same lock at home.

Well you know where the boys have learned their behaviour from. Their mums are now teaching them it's okay to ignore you. Better off without them all.

Odd non reaction from the other mothers. No wonder the boys are the way they are

Glad today went ok for your ds .

The apple never falls far from the tree, you and your ds are well rid. Glad it went well today.

Op I've just read the whole post and I just wanted to say I think you're marvellous. I'm glad there was no fall out but more than that, how wonderful that your little boy knows that his home is his safe place and that you are his protector. I distinctly remember (quietly) crying myself to sleep at a sleepover when I'd been bullied. You stood up for your son and I think that's fantastic. It'll make him see it's ok to reject bullies and to see what a friend he has in you. Well done you. More people should stand up to bullying as you did.

Glad it was all fine for your son. Such a shame that the party boys weren't made to do the right thing and apologise, but at least he'll now know who his true friends are.

I'm glad he was ok yesterday. :)

Now you know where the kids get it! At least you can wash her hands of them.

The thing is, you can't wash your hands of people when you live in a community with them....and school is a community.

It seems ridiculously simplistic to judge all of the parents of the unpleasant boys and to imagine you can just separate yourself from them or that the son can totally separate himself from the boys who he sees every day.

I would think the parents who were basically to,d their children were bullies were shocked.....not just at the information, but the fact that the OP didn't really give a careful and thorough explanation of it all. If I was called by another parent to be told my child was essentially bullying Inwould take it very seriously and want all of the details so I could understand what had happened, what the mum had done.....so that I could then react to my own child appropriately - perhaps even speaking with the school too. But this communication wasn't realy forthcoming. So actually, the parents being rather quiet in the playground probably means they were shocked by what happened and the lack of information. At the very least, they will feel awkward about what happened. There is absolutely no reason to break relationships with them.....and those posters who seem to be seeing it as a positive that those relationships might have ended are rather daft.....parents often need other parents....we do exist together in an school community. And actually, the unpleasant behaviour of the children doesn't mean the parents are unpleasant too - it should be perfectly possible to have a sensible non-accusatory conversation about what happened and move forward as parents still.....you are the grown ups after all. As I've said before, it all requires careful communication.

I'm glad OP that your son didn't feel he was facing fallout from what happened today. I'm glad the teacher didn't seem to think there's was a history of bullying. Does make the events of the party perhaps harder to understand. Hopefully it was a one-off. I wouldn't see it as meaning the relationship between the boys is totally over - they will be in the same class and be involved in group and pair work and constantly be interacting. Doesn't have to mean the relationship with the other parents is over too....but a lot of that will be to do with how you react to them now. Can you be gracious to them and appreciate the awkwardness they must feel?

And to the people suggesting he moves school - isn't that rather extreme? An unpleasant incident occurred. Total flight from the situation isn't required. Finding ways forward for a shy little chap to have friends over so that he can enjoy it and to develop resilience in the face of difficulty are all important.....not just being angry about what happened. There are ways to move forward positively when unpleasant things happen.

Completely agree Chocolate. Moving a child from a school they have presumably been in happily since reception over a bad sleepover is crazy advice. And what did the op expect from the parents after they'd been told their children were awful and not welcome in her home? I bet my bottom dollar that those kids will be friends again before the week is out and the awkwardness with the parents will continue until the end of year 6. And it will be a whole lot more awkward when the kids are friends and wanting to organise stuff.