To have sent all the children home from the sleepover, before they had even gone to sleep...

[Waterstick]

My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so I thought he wanted a sleepover (he's 9) and most people are having them now.

When they arrived, they didn't really interact with DS, just between each other and every time they laughed, DS seemed to just come out to me.

I was upstairs doing general tidying, but hear DS start to cry, he was some how trapped in the toilet, the kids seemed to be engaged with the telly and wouldn't speak when I asked about it. DS cannot lock the door, but yet it's not hard to lock from the outside with a coin. DS swore to me that he never touched the lock so wasn't sure why he was stuck in there.

Honestly, the whole time it felt like they didn't want DS there and it was his party! The bit that then topped it over the edge was when my son was trying to put a DVD into the telly and one of them shoved him out the way and quickly changed the DVD. I saw that and told them that it wasn't okay and they were all going home.

It just wasn't on, I'm quite horrified.

Rant over.

I probably was being U though.

Yes but surely the parent who had been told their child was bullying a boy (a boy in his own home at that) should make it their duty to get to the bottom of it. The Op told the parent, then the parent should have responded by wanting all the relevant information.

I'm sure the Op would have given all the information if the parent responded appropriately. The parents being quiet in the playground doesn't equate to being shocked imo. Because if that as the case surely they'd want to engage with the op and either show some indignation that they consider their child to be wrongly accused, or else apologise and make their child apologise too.

If my child had been sent home from a party accused of bullying I'd want to know all the details, I certainly wouldn't be shocked into silence. To me that's like an admission of guilt.

Of course you can wash your hands of them.

You can nod hello and goodbye but you absolutely do not have to speak to anyone you don't want to, school or not.

Your poor little boy. You did the right thing. Hopefully they'll learn from it.

Early in the thread, the OP clearly laid out what she said to those parents 'bluntly' as she put it. It could hardly be called a clear explanation. It probably would have been hard to give to a clear explanation of any individuals specific actions, because as she says, she didn't really see much detail, because she was upstairs. She did find her boy locked in the loo and he did come to her upset several times....but exact details weren't forthcoming. He was upset and she got upset and ended the event.

Now we don't know exactly what happened at the party...but the boy was upset and the mother did what she thought was right and ended it.

To everyone getting cross with those other parents, try to see it from the other side too. They get a call at night to come and get their children, without any detailed explanation. How would you feel in that position and how would your react to that parent when you saw them again?

• at the very least you would feel awkward - and people tend to go a bit quiet and ignore people then
• you might think the mother was out of order and so be sulking - hard for them to tell, without more info
• you may well have talked to your own child about what happened and perhaps heard a slightly different story......perhaps if the child tries to avoid being in trouble, or perhaps because things are not always black and white.

If my child faces difficulties, even if they are caused by other people, I want to teach them to find things to learn from the situation and to find ways to move forward. I think that this is rarely achieved by just cutting numbers of people out of our lives. People who find they are frequently offended and need to cut significant numbers out of their lives, should perhaps question themselves and their reactions. It's all about communication - communication with those boys when things started going wrong, communication with the parents, communication with the son after the event and communication with the parents now. Simply shutting down isn't a constructive way to approach issues.

I'm not saying the OP was wrong to end the event. It sounds like it was the right thing to do.....but I think the communication along the way could have been better. These are 9 year old boys we are talking about. 9 year old boys can be cruel and unkind, but there needs to be some recognition that they are children, and some acknowledgement too, that the parents would find the whole situation difficult and aren't really to blame for that night. A culture of feeling furious about set-backs and problems isn't necessary or constructive. It might be possible for the relationships with those children to be re-built and for the ones between the adults too. Isn't that something to hope to achieve and at least aim towards, even if it doesn't ultimately happen?

I really don't get that invested in school mums.

That sounds a bit too intense for me, sorry.

The boys will be friends again, might even end up at parties together again, and play days. That still doesn't call for anything other than a nod hello and a contact number in case of emergencies.

I think you did the right thing. Your sons home must be his place of safety.
Those kids sound like assholes.
I hope your boy feels better now. Friendships are a minefield.

I've got a 9 year old DD and we aren't doing sleepovers.

And when the son is left out of parties/sleepovers the other boys are going to because the parents cba dealing with the fallout from the op if any of the kids are off with her son is that fair to him?

Chocolate wombat - I totally agree with you, for what it's worth. However I think you may as well save your breath. Some people can't see that burning bridges is not usually a first port of call. And unless my child had form for bullying a particular child, (in which case I would question him attending this party at all, in everyone's interest) I would be bloody shocked to get a late night phonecall that bluntly said everyone was being mean to the party boy and the party was being called off. Particularly if 'being mean' meant not immediately allowing party boy to have his choice of DVD and party boy getting upset at getting stuck in the loo. I genuinely don't think this was an unfixable situation and it's one I would have handled differently. Not necessarily 'letting them get away with it' but by providing some adult led and organised activities for a while.
I am amazed that other parents here would not feel awkward if their son had been in the situation of the visitor boys here. I would certainly not allow my son to play at that house again, and would be very cool indeed with the mother.

Oldbirdy & chocolate wombat sum up my feelings very well.

I never understand how some parents do not understand that is their job to keep the lines of communication open & friendly with their kids friends' parents in order to nurture relationships & enable friendships. I am not talking about helicopter parenting or social engineering, which we read about all too often on here, but an understanding that you are going to help your kids if other parents see you as friendly, approachable & reasonable.

I'm not saying the Op was wrong, in fact I'm not even sure what happened. Do we know for a fact that Op's son was locked in the loo by another boy?

Bum why on earth would he want to go on a sleepover at these kid's homes? They ignored him, left him out and locked him away.

I think if he's no longer mates with them then that's THEIR loss.

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP, kinda damned either way. I had an incident yesterday with my 11yr old DS. He's just started secondary and they finished early yesterday. Him and a friend of his went to McD for lunch and they were joined by some others, two of which were from his old school. Anyway they suggest going to the park, DS calls me to confirm if OK and I say yes. He goes home to get changed. Goes to the agreed meeting point an no-one there. Calls his "Friend". "Friend says they have gone to park A, son heads there and finds no one there. "Friend" tells DS they've moved on and they are at Park B, DS goes there and no one there. Calls up "Friend" and he says "you can come round to mine if you can find out where I live". Although there were others there DS only has number for "Friend". He realises he's been messed around and gets upset.

He calls me and tells me he's thinking about going up to his old school and speaking to "Friends" mum who is a TA there. I advise him to go home and watch some TV.

I was tempted to speak to this boys mum as bump into her a couple of days a week. However I know that if I do, she will speak to her son and he will most likely take it out on my DS.
The advice I gave in the end was to be civil to this "Friend" at school and nothing more. Really felt for DS as this is his first term in secondary school and this was the first time I've said yes he could go with friends to the park. It also annoyed me that DS ended up walking around on his own.

I dot think you have made things worse to be honest - if they can behave like this in his home, they must be 10 times worse in school. Maybe the shock of being evicted will put some manners on them.

I bowed out of this thread a few days ago because tbh it was a bit ridiculous. The boys weren't nasty. Maybe thoughtless but they're kids, they do stupid things. You seen determined that you and your son are in the right, end of. You dont know what happened, you saw snapshots, sure but tbh your ds doesn't sound like he made much effort ?

You have to protect your child, I get that and I've done it in the past but being rude and antagonistic to parents and making children and parents feel awkward won't do anyone any good at all. The boys are children just like your son, I think you need reminded of that.

VioletBam because they are kids and while they may not be very nice one day they can easily be best friends a day later.

Bum yes of course...but there's a difference between "not very nice" and actively ignoring and then locking your "friend" away.

Not very nice might mean a bit bossy or perhaps saying a mean thing...not ignoring deliberately and excluding for a prolonged period.

That's bullying. Can't you tell the difference?

No I'm sorry kids not getting along once is not bullying. The op said there have been no previous issues at school and she wasn't present to see all of what went on. The son may well have locked the bathroom door himself and we have no idea if the son had been being mean/bossy etc to the others to cause them to ignore him. They may well have had a very different story to tell to their parents.

Yanbu, I mean life is too short to have your child upset my means little fucks IN HIS HOME!!!

ringoffire wow that brings back memories! that was exactly how certain b**ch girls in my class used to do to me! so humiliating! good advice from you to your son! They will only think it's 'funny' if he keeps chasing them, so stay well away

I also find it amazing that people genuinely seem to believe that 9 yo can't be deliberately mean and calculating! If not then there wouldn't ever be any bullying would it?

I'm surprised so many people think 9yos wouldn't be able to operate a coin-lock from outside - my 4yo thinks it's hilarious and the 8yos mastered it years ago!

OP, I think if you agreed to a sleepover for a birthday with a shy child then you have to anticipate a certain amount of discreet monitoring and intervention because excitement and anxiety levels will be high all round. The boys in question had never slept over at your house and so they weren't in their comfort zone either and this insecurity coupled with high expectations (birthday party/sleepover) can throw any 9 year old off.

DD (also 9) is an only child and so we regulary have her friends over, most weekends both from school, ex-curricular activities and my friends offspring. I have seen the most reasonable, caring, compassionate little 9 year olds turn into total brats on the spin of a coin. And flip back again just as quick.

I'm not condoning their behaviour but I'm guessing the more they felt uncomfortable, the more they weren't equipped to deal with the situation. I should imagine the whole day was overwhelming for your son and he possibly withdrew slightly as the sleepover wasn't as he anticipated either.

I honestly understand your need to protect your son but I do think you should approach the parents and try and resolve things. I would be questioning things if I was called and asked to collect my child from a sleepover. If your son is shy and asked for these particular friends for his first birthday sleepover then he clearly has some interest in having a friendship with them and it would be a shame if that was ruined by this incident.

Totally agree with chocolate

phoenix you refer to 9 year old children as 'assholes'?

And somebody else referred to them as 'little fucks'

I'm not condoning their behaviour but I'm guessing the more they felt uncomfortable, the more they weren't equipped to deal with the situation

winefairy I thought the same. Sometimes children laugh when they're feeling uncomfortable. If the host child kept going to be with mummy because he was shy or socially awkward I can see that the other children might laugh at him without any intention to bully.

It's a tricky one. The nicest children can be spurred into nasty behaviour as a pack.

I think OP could have been more diplomatic about kicking them all out. The other kids haven't had the opportunity to explain their behaviour. The pushing was rude but not necessarily nasty and the the locking in the loo is probably the dodgy lock's fault.

OP you said one of the parents was shocked and made her child apologise. It might be worth contacting her again and asking if she has any idea what went on and how the other boys see your son. It might put some nuance on the experience.

I don't think OP was wrong to end the sleepover but she doesn't really know exactly why things went so wrong at it.

Kids can be nasty, kind of like ringoffire I let my 2 young DS "play out"

6 year old was beaten up by a 9 year old who then said "your dad is Ugly" !!!

its a good job he did not diss me, as I would be having WORDS!

some kids are not nice, cut them and move on. I think the lesson for kids is don't focus on them, trim them and play with nicer people