To have sent all the children home from the sleepover, before they had even gone to sleep...

[Waterstick]

My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so I thought he wanted a sleepover (he's 9) and most people are having them now.

When they arrived, they didn't really interact with DS, just between each other and every time they laughed, DS seemed to just come out to me.

I was upstairs doing general tidying, but hear DS start to cry, he was some how trapped in the toilet, the kids seemed to be engaged with the telly and wouldn't speak when I asked about it. DS cannot lock the door, but yet it's not hard to lock from the outside with a coin. DS swore to me that he never touched the lock so wasn't sure why he was stuck in there.

Honestly, the whole time it felt like they didn't want DS there and it was his party! The bit that then topped it over the edge was when my son was trying to put a DVD into the telly and one of them shoved him out the way and quickly changed the DVD. I saw that and told them that it wasn't okay and they were all going home.

It just wasn't on, I'm quite horrified.

Rant over.

I probably was being U though.

YADNBU OP.

I think sleep overs are a bad idea anyway. Nobody gets any sleep, so a bit of a misnomer!

I once collected DD from a sleepover at midnight, after a tearful phone call from her. The host mother was but I wasn't going to leave DD there all night, being kept awake by her DD and the other girls' giggly conversations, yet not being included in them, in the same room. DD had had enough, so had gone to the mother and asked if she could phone me (before mobile phones existed) so I could take her home.

your poor ds, I feel so much for him

the other boys sound like a bunch of little shits

but you must go into school and talk to his teachers, they need to be aware of whats happening to him and try to get it nipped in the bud

There is also a thread on here where a parent is saying that her child is being bullied because there friend didn't save them a seat and said they were rubbish at football. I think the distinction between one off unkindness and actual persistent bullying has been lost.

bumsexatthebingo It sounds very much like your son is the bully in his friendship group.

Please tell me where you have got that idea? I have mentioned one incident where my son was being excluded so I let him play outside with his friends

You did the right thing, your son now knows he has you on his side

Bumsex, this is not normal behaviour of kids! I have an 8 yo son, I would be horrified if he did this.

You did the right thing, if they are this bad in his own home, in front of his mother how bad are they towards him at school?

They most likely did lock him n the toilet, the way they were with the telly and didn't answer you when you spoke to them about it speaks volumes to me.

I'm curious about what else the OP could have done?
Give them time out?
A sleepover is supposed to be a pleasant experience to all, at worst just tell children to quiet down or arbitrate a dispute between two of them. Not watching your child being a victim of three boys.

As for being equipped, you've shown him how to deal with them, by not accepting it and sending them on their way, not trying to make them friends by force.
He will see that it's ok to reject them for their behaviour.

Bullying doesn't have to be long-term or physical. If you look up definitions for it (and harassment) then one occasion with multiple people being involved also falls within the definition. And Monday (or any other day) was going to be difficult anyway.

Either - OP let it happen, making her son miserable, and the kids all thought that this behavior could continue or even escalate, because even the boy's own mother let them get away with it, so Monday would be crap. They'd get to tell the whole class how they had behaved and would just carry on, knowing that they were allowed to now.

Or - she steps in, yes, they'll probably bitch, but hopefully the parents would have told them to stop being mean, and OP's son at least got some sleep and support from his mum.

If this was a sustained campaign of bullying then I would say yanbu, but TBH this doesn't sound as if this was what it was.

You say that your DS is socially awkward. You say that when they were all in the group he chose to be with you instead. Were they genuinely excluding him or could it be that he actually doesn't manage well in group situations and decided instead to step outside? Some children just don't do groups, actually I know adults who don't either and interact better one-one. In fact one factor can influence the other, someone who doesn't join into a group doesn't get included automatically, and let's face it nine year olds aren't the most socially aware at the best of times. Most nine year olds wouldn't think to encourage your DS to join in if he waS choosing to remain on the outside.

The toilet incident sounds as if the door probably got locked by him and then he found he couldn't unlock it again. And the DVD incident was an over bossy nine year old wanting to take over. I'd have come down on that one and explained that DS was trying to put the DVD in and that being bossy and taking over wasn't exactly a nice thing to do.

I agree that your DS clearly isn't cut out for the sleepover experiencE and as such it was probably best that the other kids went home. but I don't agree that it was a black and white case of bullying.

Perhaps look into helping DS cultivate one to one friendships in future? If he's socially awkward then big group activities aren't going to be something he's comfortable with, even if he does want to do them because everyone else does. He can always build up to that as time goes on and he gets older, but for now I wouldn't encourage them, as much for his benefit as anything.

PS: sleepovers are the work of the devil. Any reason not to host them is a good one in my book. .

I never let my DDs have more than one friend over at a time. They never seemed to want more than one at a time in fact. Sleep-over's were definitely reserved for only the very best behaved friends who we'd known for a good while.

I feel very sorry for your son OP. Under the circs. i think you did the right thing. The situation had become unsalvagable by the sounds of it and it was better to end it and send the buggers home.

I echo pp's and say speak to the teacher so that DS is not struggling alone with any fall out tomorrow. In future nurture one friendship at a time. Don't feel pressured to have sleep overs. I think they should be something which arises naturally if the friendship is really good, rather than being used as a tool to nurture friendship. IYSWIM.

And a one-to-one falling out, where normally the two people are friends, is not the same as a group of boys pretending friendship just so that he's conveniently around to be the butt of their jokes. It sounds like they've deliberately drawn him in by being a bit nice, then decided to turn on him so that they can have a cheap laugh. That's deliberate and nasty.

So yes, the school should know and try to keep those kids away from OP's son, and preferably from each other for a while, so that they don't get to gang up on any other kids. It might do each of them some good to be by themself for a while and not part of a group who pick on other children.

Did you bollock them first, or give them a warning?

YANBU

Just how do some people think long term sustained bullying starts and is maintained?
Do they really think it's after months that parents and teachers should intervene?
Isn't it much better to nip it in the bud and show how to deal with such behaviour?

I'm sorry your ds had a rubbish time.

But I'm a bit confused about start you think happened. Are you suggesting that they had a pound coin by chance and realised it could lock an unfamiliar door?

Or did you tell them about the pound truck when explaining the dodgy lock and not to lock the door?

The first scenario just seems really unlikely for 9 year old boys to me

My Dd had a sleepover for her 16th. The girls were bitches, and she ended up sobbing at 3am and with me in my room. I didn't get back to sleep, and went downstairs at 6 ( where they slept), turned all the lights and radio on and slammed about making coffee. They woke bleary eyed and muttering. At 8 I asked them to phone their parents to be collected by 9.

OP, you did the right thing. The children sound horrible so they could not continue to be made welcome in your home. Good for you.

I'm curious about what else the OP could have done?

At aged 9, organised fun. The leave them to it and just hang around tidying upstairs is more 12y plus.

Organised trip out - evening film at cinema. McDonald's, this time of year they could stay at the park until 8pm.

Followed by organised fun at home. Pie face, twister, wii dance. Then into pjs and film on with agreed lights out when finished. Leave them to it with the film but if it gets too rowdy, fractious you can be justified in switching film off "because you arent watching it".

Prevention is better than cure though. To survive group sleepovers make sure each individual has had a 121sleepover with just your son. Kids find it difficult to adjust to completely new evening and bedtime routines. They could do with knowing yours and you know them before any group sleeepiver.

OP should never have considered a group sleepovers with anyone she doesn't already know well and has had them over before.

Had these boys even spent the day playing at your house before?

OP I don't yet have children but do remember having a sleepover when I was your sons age and my friend at the time drew all over my furniture broke my toys and I was too scared to tell my mum while she was there in case she got sent home . Needless to say my mum was angry that I didn't . You definitely did the right thing who knows what else they might have did if they'd stayed all night .

Locking toilet door, changing the TV channel, video etc were all part of the normal rough and tumble when I was growing up. Children with siblings seem to be used to it, the shy single child always found it hard to adapt. Catch 22.

But I would be a bit concerned if a nine year old couldn't use the bathroom door lock.

Yes yes to the organised fun and needing more structure for a group at age 9. I honestly thought it was a big group until I read about three parents being called. Must have been very odd.

I think ywbu. I've had 3 9 year old boys of my own. They can be thoughtless and silly. They dip in and out of the group. Were they actually telling your Ds to leave or was he taking himself off? Why was he selecting a DVD without discussing it with the group? Sleepover lesson 1 is that you keep them busy and majority choice wins. They discuss and agree which DVD they are going to watch from a preselected set of 4 or 5. The birthday kid doesn't get to automatically select the DVD and put it in without discussing it with the others, and in fact if there is a disagreement I have always gone with guests having final choice. Did the boys appear surprised or confused when you pulled the plug? Other than him possibly being locked in the loo (sounds like typical high jinks, especially if you made a big thing of it, I expect they thought it would be funny until your son started crying and then they didn't know how to handle it when you got all angry and asked who did it...instead of just letting him out and saying to the others "come on guys, as you see that wasn't so funny and I don't expect it to happen again") I don't think any of their behaviour is definitely down to them being nasty rather than your Ds just not managing to socially manage a group of 3 at once. You said they were laughing and playing but Ds kept coming out to you. I think this has probably served to highlight that Ds can't manage socially in a sustained group interaction, rather than highlighting that all his friends are horrible bullies.

mathsmum there are lots of generalizations about single children and I think they are often wrong. 'Only' children do not know how to share, etc etc. The most grabby kids can sometimes have siblings and are desperate to keep hold of their items because they are forced to share.

Looking a child in the loo is a cruel and bullying action, not normal behaviour.