To have sent all the children home from the sleepover, before they had even gone to sleep...

[Waterstick]

My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so I thought he wanted a sleepover (he's 9) and most people are having them now.

When they arrived, they didn't really interact with DS, just between each other and every time they laughed, DS seemed to just come out to me.

I was upstairs doing general tidying, but hear DS start to cry, he was some how trapped in the toilet, the kids seemed to be engaged with the telly and wouldn't speak when I asked about it. DS cannot lock the door, but yet it's not hard to lock from the outside with a coin. DS swore to me that he never touched the lock so wasn't sure why he was stuck in there.

Honestly, the whole time it felt like they didn't want DS there and it was his party! The bit that then topped it over the edge was when my son was trying to put a DVD into the telly and one of them shoved him out the way and quickly changed the DVD. I saw that and told them that it wasn't okay and they were all going home.

It just wasn't on, I'm quite horrified.

Rant over.

I probably was being U though.

YNBU. There's no way I'd go for any child being left out and most definitely at their own party.
Perhaps if outsiders do let them know in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is not acceptable. They might learn.

Are they new friends?

Will he be ok tomorrow, do you think?

What I mean is: does he have other friends that he can sit/play with?

Poor thing. I don't think you were wrong, home should be a safe place for him. It does seem OTT but what else could you do? Leave your child miserable all night?

I don't know anyone that my kids visit that would react like that. They would discipline the behaviour if necessary. If it did happen though of course I'd be apologetic but I would avoid my child going there alone again ( not that they would probably be invited back!) as I wouldn't think the parent could deal with what is pretty standard kid behaviour one.

Nope I'd have been fuming too. I only ever let my DS have 1 friend over per sleepover. Otherwise anymore and they all compete and too much banter and silliness happens. In groups of children it's usually the nicest ones that are the receiving end of the nastiness too as bullies often feel they won't be challenged.

My DS is sensitive but quite out spoken. I think boys at his school assumed because hes kind he is also a pushover. He often came home from school a bit upset. In time he had these boys over for sleep overs and Dinner. They soon stopped writing him off as an easy target hmm. I think it's better to let them bond 1 on 1 imo, otherwise the most dominant friend often picks a target and the others follow suit to impress.

I think you handled it brilliant they couldn't wouldn't behave were unkind and 1 of them locked your son in the toilet well done for letting the parents know bet they were mortified well 2 at least the other 1 won't think their son could be naughty anywhere so no point in worrying about that

It wouldn't be letting them get away with it. It would be showing the other kids that if they are being shits your child doesn't need you to entertain them. As I said earlier I would let my kid on the PlayStation and not any who were being mean or one time I let my ds go and play out with friends on the street who were playing nicely. I don't want to teach my kids that I will swoop in and sort minor problems. I'm not always going to be there.

Absolutely you did the right thing. There's no way I'd let people treat my child like that on their own home!

You've done the right thing I think. You can't not protect your DS in his own home just because of something that might happen at school as a consequence. The parents have been told, the teacher needs to be told, and that's the end of it. Your primary responsibility is to your DS and to make his home environment safe.

There are bullying shits in all walks of life, but your DS will know his mum is there for him and that's what counts.

Bumsex that's not "Pretty standard behaviour" from children! It's downright nasty! I have two DC and have had multiple sleepovers and NEVER have any of them been like the ones the OP described.

They've had the odd fallout but not exclusion and bulling.

I think it is an insult to children who are actually bullied to call leaving someone out and shutting them in a room once bullying

Just wow.

How do you define actual bullying then?
A beating?

Interesting that one parent said her son never had problems before at a sleepover. There's always one parent who refuses to believe her child could be horrible.

You did the right thing. Definitely ask the teacher to keep a look out.

They shouldn't have been nasty, and definitely breaking up the group was required...but how realistic is it that one of the boys understood the lock was crazily stiff and then got a coin and then locked your son in the loo and would then know it was so stiff he couldn't get out. This is very unlikely, much more likely your son was self-conscious if he doesn't normally lock the door, locked it and then couldn't get out.

All in all it sounds awful and makes me not want to have sleepovers, which I don't in the main (one child, occasionally).

I am not sure this will have helped much though, as the children were just being rude and boisterous and I've found in groups indoors they are quite like that, perhaps going outside to play or two doing one thing/two the other might have been another way to go.

Bumsex if you think that's standard behaviour, I'm afraid to say your son and his friends don't sound very nice.

My ds is 9 and none of his friends do this at sleepovers. It is NOT standard behaviour. It's bloody horrible!

I think a pp suggested this but let his class teacher know that the sleepover was a disaster just incase there is any hassle for your son

I told the children to not lock the door, due to the lock problems. But we wouldn't come in, they all did that. They knew.

YANBU. Might have sent the ring leader home first but you did what you did and you son knows you have his back.

Time to help him make some new friends, maybe think of someone nicer and invite over just for tea or a play date. Maybe help him join something after school or out of school and get new friends there. I have a Sunday school group who are absolutely lovely kids from about 5 or 6 different schools. Friends from different places can help, IMHO.

Good luck

MrsJayy is right. Speak to the teacher in the morning to let them know what happened and to make sure this sort of thing isn't going on in school.

You were entirely reasonable. Your poor DS.

However, I would make sure you let his teacher know what happened on Monday. That way, any 'repercussions' from these boys can be nipped firmly in the bud.

Well done Op. No one should be bullied, nevermind in the one place they are meant to feel safe, at home.

I'd speak to your son about choosing friends for their kindness, not whether they are the cool kids. It seems that two of these boys may have gone along with the third one but that doesn't mean they are not culpable.

Clearly the boy with the mum who was a bit meh about it is the one to watch. Definitely talk to the teacher and give them a heads up about potential conflict between the boys.

I wouldn't hesitate to send home kids who behaved like this. It's just not acceptable behaviour.

I'm pretty happy that my kids friends play with them nicely 99% of the time but are occasionally a bit silly and, shock horror, even mean! Not sure where all these kids who never do anything mean reside as I've never come across any of them. And I'm happy that my kids generally have the tools to deal with mean behaviour themselves.

Waterstick

It seems I read your OP wrong, as in "I thought he wanted a sleepover and most people are having then now".
And then "I thought these were DS's good friends... He wasn't comfortable around them at all"
Just wanted to clarify it had been his choice and not your good intentions only. :)

Their behaviour is odd. Have you asked him what are they like at school and why he thinks/thought of them as friends?

Bumsex you're intimating that OPs son is ill-equipped to deal with ordinary fall outs but what she describes is victimisation. Not normal kids arguing or being a bit mean.

Locking him up and pushing him about is not ok. It's not normal and as you seem to be a minority, you should consider looking more closely at your grasp of social skills in children and what's normal.

There's a thread on at the moment with a mother desperate to help her child being bullied in secondary school - when you see attitudes like those of bumsex you can see how these things develop. OP you did the right thing, make sure you see the teacher first thing, or speak to the school secretary whatever you can to get the message over as early in the day as possible. Your sending the culprits home sends a message to your DS that he is valued and that will help his self esteem.

So there were only three of them there?

Sorry but I don't think you did the right thing. I think you've made a drama out of a crisis to be honest. You should definitely have intervened more firmly early on though. Monday is going to be grim for your son - his mum sent his friends home because she didn't like them and he isn't allowed to lock the toilet door. I've been 9...

They were absolutely acting like little shits but I don't think they did anything that bad. You say your son kept coming out to you - why was that? What were they saying? There is either more to this story and stuff going on at school you need to know about (why did he ask these particular boys?) or you have over reacted something awful.

In fact bounty has I think nailed it a few posts back there.

I think what's normal these days is parents camping out at the school over every little thing and kids being unable to sort problems out for themselves. That's not the approach I take. If you disagree then that's your choice - you parent your kids as you see fit. The op came on asking if she was being unreasonable. I wasn't aware that only people who thought she wasn't should reply.