To have sent all the children home from the sleepover, before they had even gone to sleep...

[Waterstick]

My son is shy, but seems to have made friends, so I thought he wanted a sleepover (he's 9) and most people are having them now.

When they arrived, they didn't really interact with DS, just between each other and every time they laughed, DS seemed to just come out to me.

I was upstairs doing general tidying, but hear DS start to cry, he was some how trapped in the toilet, the kids seemed to be engaged with the telly and wouldn't speak when I asked about it. DS cannot lock the door, but yet it's not hard to lock from the outside with a coin. DS swore to me that he never touched the lock so wasn't sure why he was stuck in there.

Honestly, the whole time it felt like they didn't want DS there and it was his party! The bit that then topped it over the edge was when my son was trying to put a DVD into the telly and one of them shoved him out the way and quickly changed the DVD. I saw that and told them that it wasn't okay and they were all going home.

It just wasn't on, I'm quite horrified.

Rant over.

I probably was being U though.

Locking not looking, obviously!

that one parent that sai hes never had a problem before how would she know does she sit there and watch him at sleepovers?

sounds like an entitle twat i think yor were right to send them home and your ds was relieved that says it all

But the OP doesn't know that they locked him in the loo. She asked and they didn't respond, probably because they didn't know what she was talking about.

The reality is that when you throw a group of young kids together with no structure then it's inevitable that there will be fallings out, disagreements, and that sometimes someone will become excluded. And sometimes that is deliberate but sometimes it is purely by virtue of the fact that they will all have different personality types and not all the kids in the group will be extrovert

The OP herself said that her DS is socially awkward. If he didn't participate in the group because he doesn't feel comfortable doing so then he's actually likely to have been glad that they were gone.

TBH I would be inclined to talk to the teacher but I would do so with an open mind to the fact that perhaps he doesn't join in group activities at school because of his personality type.

It's all too easy to jump to the "they're bullies and he's a victim," point of view, but it's just not always that black and white. They may be bullies, and he may be a victim. But equally he may be a child that just doesn't fit into large groups, and the group may find it difficult to include him if he doesn't really want to join in.

No Yanbu at all and completely justified, their behaviour made him uncimfortable in his own home, so you were right to send them home. You saw it for yourself. It was good to be cut short as it would be very hard for your ds to wait until home time, with intimidating and bullying behaviour. Bullying is not about physical, but how we use words and our behaviour towards someone, your ds was in effect being bullied.

YANBU and that sort of behaviour is the reason why I held back from inviting anyone for a long time with dc2.

I do think yoou REALLY need to have a word with the teacher on Monday am. The teacher needs to be aware aboout it and she (he?) needs to be aware of potential issues arising at school following from that.
I would also follow on tactfully with your ds re the behaviour of his 'friends', teach him what is and isn't acceptable. Help him learn what are his boundaries and teach him to seek help from the teacher if needed.

Fwiw, dc2 has had 'friends' like this and he struggled to understand that these children just weren't nice to him. That is until he was older (11yo) and there was a particluar issue involving a b'day that was particularly bad. Then he realised.
In the men time, I would gently redirect him towards 'safer' people/situations.

Well done Op Mondays another day and your son will go to school knowing his mother supports him.

Wait until he is a few years older, he can invite a friend over to sleep. Mabey stick to play dates for a couple of hours. I personally woukd not like do to a sleepover for my kids unless they are in their teens and have a friend over.

wammabe I have a child who is 'socially awkward'.
He might struggle to fit in in groups etc... But that sort of situation where you lock one child in the bathroom, shove the child aside to do whatever you want ((eg the DVD etc..) has nothing to do with him being 'socially ackward' but everything to do with the children involved being twats. (Or bullied or however way you want to call that sort behaviour).

The problem is that children like this will use the fact a child is socially unconfortable to get away with murder (the child won't make a fuss!), from being not nice to him up to Full on bullying.

The bullying behaviour here is excluding him, quite possibly locking him in the toilet( they probably looked at op blankly as they knew they were bloody guilt but did not want to fess up), and disrespecting ds in his home. As his mother op did the right thing in supporting her ds and cutting it short. Yes some kids are socially awkward as are some adults, that is not a bad thing,I am shocked some on here are minimising the kids behaviour.

I don't blame you. I really hope things are okay for him on Monday. It wasn't his fault and I'm sure he feels really deflated.

Of course you were right to send them home. They were behaving like nasty bullies and were upsetting your son, and being horrid and rude to him.

Talk to the teacher in the morning. Tell her all about it.

YANBU and don't worry about having made things worse for Monday- bullies gonna bully so if they're going to be nasty on Monday they would have anyway no matter what.
For the posters saying "oh maybe DS didn't want to interact" - OP says that every time he tried to join them on the floor they ignored him and wouldn't speak to him. Bullying by exclusion is hurtful but hard to confront and resolve- how do you prove a negative? To the "he's just gotta learn" posters - what could DS have done to get them to include him since they repulsed all his efforts?

OP, you sound brilliant. The mistake many of us make is putting up with this type of behaviour, pussy footing around and trying to appease the bullies in the hope it will warm them to our child. It never works, because bullies are just mean, and get a kick out of upsetting their victim.

You showed your DS he doesn't need to tolerate that sort of treatment and he will remember it for many years to come. Badass mum!

It doesn't sound like you know these kids very well? It's not clear from your posts how much your son actually made an effort - if he isn't trying you can't really expect young kids to try back.

I think they behaved badly but we're only seeing it from your point of view and you see very much of the mindset that the kids are downright nasty and your son is innocent. You have to protect your kid, I get that, but you also have to let them make their own friends and work through issues.

I am currently reading back at some of the responses, and I am shocked and saddened at some of them, why should he 'just suck it up' 'op has made it worse', what op has done was cut short bulling and nasty behaviour, and has her son's back like a mother should! The one place where a child should feel safe and happy is their home, op saw what was being done to her ds by his so called 'friends', and cut it short quite rightly. Op ds was pleased about that, and that is all that matters. It would have been awful to put ds through the duration of the sleepover to save face! I would also tell the teacher, and ask her to keep a watch over bullying at school. Yes I bet you that the parent who thinks 'her little darling cannot misbehaved' is probably the ring leader, the apple never falls far from the tree. I bet they will be shocked if they watched cctv footage of their little darling at school!

powershower I get that and I despise it when kids actively exclude another child. If mine did it then I'd be so annoyed and disappointed BUT if these kids are all close and the OP's ds isn't then it's a difficult situation for them. Also if he is sat with his mum watching them and then just comes and sits beside them then that's awkward as hell ISNT it???it just sounds like maybe a group activity would've worked well - a common goal for them all to work towards?

Haudyer did you read op posts, the behaviour was nasty, not just silly. When he tried to interact with them, they excluded him, that in itself is bullying behaviour.

These kids are 9 not 19, sometimes it needs an adult to help with situations, they just cannot always 'work it out' for themselves, and in this situation, I find it hard to see how op ds could if they were being horrid to him. Op saw it for herself, not relied on her ds to tell her, so she saw how they treated her ds and quite rightly cut it short.

It sounds like he sat with his mum, as he knew he was being excluded and treated badly.

No matter how they were behaving previously it would be an overreaction if the DVD thing was as simple as one child shoves DS out of the way, you sent all children home.

If you worked up up to it with clear warnings, and you gave them clear chances to stop it and threatened to send them all home if a single person misbehaved from that point on, YANBU.

I wonder if your DS invited children he wanted to be friends with, rather than ones he actually plays with. Does he spend breaktime with these boys?

Like you I made the rookie error of inviting far too many children for my DC1's first sleepover. I've learned my lesson. The next year DC1 had an evening party at home - a sleepover without the sleepover IYSWIM - and poor DC2 will be strictly limited to 2 friends max when old enough.

Yes, I did aero but this is the mums point of view. It's bound to be biased. Maybe they didn't know what to say or he was quiet and they were unsure how to include him. Maybe they were self conscious because his mum was there watching (and yes she wasn't to start with but we don't know what happened then!) . It's not all black and white.

I've worked with tons of kids this age and the behaviour isn't out of the ordinary. Kids get moody, they do silly things, they are influenced by more dominant personalities. I actually think that the mum who refused to apologise probably had the attitude of most on here that of course her child wouldn't indulge in such awful behaviour. A lot of parents would be surprised at how their kids behave when they aren't there.

OP, you did the right thing.
Yes to those people who think sleepovers are a bad idea.
Yes to those people who think that the bullying situation might also be going on in school.
I'd be interested to know whose idea the sleepover was, and whether the others had targeted OP's ds with the intention of having a party at his expense.

Oh come on, why do people always excuse kids behaviour? Just because they're kids!? He shoved my son in a rough way, and quickly slipped in a DVD he wanted.

I knew it would be my fault for hosting a shit party I forgot that if you're bored, you get to treat people like crap. They did lots of fun things, no we didn't go out, but there were activities in the house. I just didn't sit and do it with them until the end when I had had enough of it.

Op you totally did they right thing. They were rude, bullying and totally disrespecting of being guests in someone's house. They've now learned that there are consequences for their awful behaviour. Hopefully a lesson has been learned. More fool the parent who doesn't take heed and ignores their sons nastiness.