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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

497 replies

OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:08

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 08:19

Polly, that is really lovely of you, but it is far from being the expected norm. People visiting a new baby are simply visiting their new family member and shouldn't be expected to provide a carload of food as 'tribute' before being allowed in.

DoinItFine · 17/09/2016 08:19

No we didn't invite them. We were issued a date when they'd be arriving. Not a time though, they never give us a time.

They are not guests, they are just family dropping by.

You are under no obligation to feed them.

Or let them in, for that matter.

Have what you would normally have for dinner.

Should they be there over a mealtime just say

"Sorry, we had no idea you were planning to be here over lunch. Have you made plans for food?"

They are already being rude by anniuncing a visit and giving no idea of the time.

HorridHenrietta2 · 17/09/2016 08:21

Not rude at all, they surely won't expect you to cater!!
Get your oh to fill the fridge with help yourself bits so you're not running around waiting on them, then for the evening meal have a couple of takeaway menus handy.
You don't go to stay in a home with a newborn and expect to be waited on do you?

hiccupgirl · 17/09/2016 08:22

I agree with telling them in advance that dinner will be a choice of chips or Chinese and its up to them then to decide. I would offer to pay. If they don't like either option, they can feed themselves on their way home can't they.

If they were the kind of people who helped out or made an effort for you, then you would probably feel like getting some bits in for them but I can understand why you don't with a small baby.

NightWanderer · 17/09/2016 08:23

When my in-laws visit, we just go to a local restaurant. I think ordering take-away is fine. It's family visiting, not the queen.

Collarsandcutoffs · 17/09/2016 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 17/09/2016 08:25

I wouldn't expect my guests/visitors to pay for a takeaway so if I was offering that as an option then I'd be paying for it. The fact is that you and DH need to eat anyway so I would just make extra (or get DH to make extra). I'd go for something easy like a pot of soup/curry/pasta or put out a buffet. I wouldn't stress about it.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/09/2016 08:28

How far are they coming? My dd's lovely MiL invariably brings at least one meal with her, newborns or not. And for her it's a good 3 hour drive.

However to save bother and any bad feeling later, I would get dh to buy pizzas or cold meat, salad, French bread, cheese and grapes, and plonk it all on the table. If they don't like it, tough. Any reasonable person would be happy with that.

Liiinoo · 17/09/2016 08:30

It doesn't really matter what you do. You can feed them or not feed them, ask them to pop out for a takeaway or plate up deli stuff they picked up on the way. Whatever suits you is fine - what is important is that they know what to expect. It isn't reasonable or kind to let them turn up and either sit there hungry or spring the expense of a takeaway they might not enjoy on them.

DH needs to let them know what the situation is so they can be prepared. They might surprise you by mucking in , but if not that's not your problem. At least you and DH paid attention to your guests needs.

Catsize · 17/09/2016 08:31

No OP, not super human at all, but Christmas dinner was a team effort, and my partner did most of the stuff where I would have been standing up as I was poorly and had my baby attached to me. And whilst my son was pretty sleepy at 10 days, he was NOT the sleeping kind at all, cried all. the. time. and has only just started sleeping through at nearly 5yrs old. Grin

I generally find I can rustle up something if people descend unexpectedly, but then I had a pantry stocked like an aisle at Sainsbury's because I am a total consumer victim.

You know the people concerned, and I would clarify what time they are arriving and whether you will be eating together.

Another idea, if you have a farm shop kind of place near you, would be to get one of those huge 'like home cooking' lasagnes and a pudding and eat at home - an expensive luxury usually, but cheaper and more sociable than a takeaway.

Tiredandtested · 17/09/2016 08:31

At 4 weeks my best visitors bought meals with them.
Could you shove some baked potatoes in the oven?

Notonthestairs · 17/09/2016 08:32

I get it and thinking of food when you yourself are not hungry is not much fun. But you must eat!
I'd instruct DH to prepare jacket potatoes, ham and some ready prepared salad and ask them to bring pudding.

DoinItFine · 17/09/2016 08:39

It isn't reasonable or kind to let them turn up and either sit there hungry or spring the expense of a takeaway they might not enjoy on them.

It is entirely reasonable for them to presume they will have to organise to feed themselves and pay for it.

Announcing you are visiting someone's home doesn't magically mean they have to buy your food.

Abraiid2 · 17/09/2016 08:41

Why do you have to feed your own baby under a nursing cover in your own home? Just drape a muslin square over your shoulder, if necessary. :)

mammamiapia · 17/09/2016 08:41

I would get DH to text in advance saying dinner is take-away, they are welcome to join..
4 week old baby with 2 other kids to look after my family or my inlaws would be offering to pick stuff up on the way and do the cooking.. If I was coming to visit you that's what I'd be offering and then I'd take the baby so that you and your husband could eat! I think it's quite rude of your inlaws to expect to be fed and to not offer to help.. At 4 weeks you're practically still running on adrenaline

Abraiid2 · 17/09/2016 08:42

And perhaps just get a Cook ready meal. They are good and look homemade. Do you have an outlet anywhere near?

Caffeinator · 17/09/2016 08:43

YANBU

Unicornsarelovely · 17/09/2016 08:47

I'd expect DH to cater for them in whatever way he thought was most appropriate. If that's a takeaway so be it. I would expect him to pay for the takeaway though.

THirdEeye · 17/09/2016 08:47

Why are people suggesting that you/your DH buy and serve a ready meal/jacket potatoe/quiche....Hmm

I agree with PP, you have two other children and a baby that does not sleep, so therefore the takeaway suggestion is fine.

Tell your DH to text them before though.

MrsMeggles · 17/09/2016 08:51

Why not get your husband to chuck some baked potatoes in the oven and buy some coleslaw, salad, beans, tuna etc and leave them there for each of them to make fillings of their choice? Cheap, simple healthy supper that takes no time to prepare. Job done. if they don't like it tough. Also I agree don't cover up whilst feeding on their account, if you start doing it now they will expect it in future. Feed and be proud! (unless you feel uncomfortable).

MidnightRunner87 · 17/09/2016 08:51

Today 07:54 MoreCoffeeNow

And then tally up the cost and ask for their share if they say yes. Nothing wrong with that.

Yes there is. It's incredibly rude.

That's in your opinion though. If someone invites themselves down to my house to see me or my children fair dos if I'm availability I will be there and make them welcome...does that mean they should automatically assume they're staying to be fed? Well no, not unless I specifically invite them to, the same as I would never assume I was staying for meals at anyone else's house.

A few times I've been visiting family for the afternoon and times gotten away then it's tea time before we know it. They've either gotten up to start making their own meal saying there isn't enough for us (not a problem as I never planned to eat there anyway so we wind up the day there and I get off home) or they've said something like we was going to have x for tea but am thinking of getting a pizza so you want to stay? My answer to that is oh yeah that sounds lovely, we choose what we want and then I give them my share of the bill. Why wouldn't I?

Lilacpink40 · 17/09/2016 08:52

It sounds as though communication isn't open between your DH and his family. When they gave you a date he agreed it, but didn't ask what time?

If they had said, for example, 11am he could then have said 'yes and we'll get takeaway for lunch'. If I've read this correctly you already provided a day of food for them with a younger baby, so they have no idea that you are under pressure with this visit. Your DH knows how you feel so sit back and let him develop better communication skills!

Artandco · 17/09/2016 08:54

I would find it strange if you hadn't mentioned takeaway beforehand.

If you have both yourself and Dh, plus two other children, surely one of you needs to cook something anyway?

Yes you have a baby, but it's a month old and you all need to eat also.

I would have just done some soup and bread, or a roast vegetable pasta or something simple for you all to eat.

You have two adults so one can watch baby if needed. Or you chuck something in oven and ask a guest to get it out and serve as your feeding baby.

Babies can be tiring sure, but doesn't leave two adults completely unable to do anything. When will it be a good time? When baby is 3 months, 3 years?

NataliaOsipova · 17/09/2016 08:56

I think your perfect opt-out lies in the fact that they didn't tell you what time they were coming. If they'd said "We'll be here at 12", then yes it might be sporting to have the makings of a sandwich for them. But from what you say, it could just as easily be 2, in which case you'd offer tea and biscuits. You therefore have the perfect excuse of "We didn't know what time you were coming or if you'd be here for dinner. You're welcome to stay if you'd like to, but DH is going for a takeaway. Would you prefer chips or Chinese?" No problem. If you get any black looks, you can say "Gosh. Sorry. I assumed you were just coming for the afternoon as you never gave a time. Didn't occur to DH to think about dinner".

SavageBeauty73 · 17/09/2016 08:58

Can't your DH sort food??? I think it's rude.