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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

497 replies

OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:08

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 17/09/2016 09:58

To rock up to someone's house and expect to be fed when there's a tiny baby in the house is very rude IMO. No OP, ywnbu to point them to a takeaway. My auntie's gift to us was home cooked then frozen meals for a month after first DS was born, it was heaven! Any time my family came after any of my births for the first few months they either organised a takeaway or brought food with them. It's the expectation that is rude I think.

dementedpixie · 17/09/2016 10:00

Just tell them you're all getting a takeaway and ask them what they want. If neither of you wants to cook that's fine.

HandbagCrab · 17/09/2016 10:02

Why would it be embarrassing to have takeaway rather than cook a meal? Why would a man try and embarrass a postpartum woman into cooking?

There's loads of delicious takeaway food, it's hardly a hardship to eat fresh fish and chips for tea.

dylsmimi · 17/09/2016 10:05

I get the frustration of not knowing when guests will turn up as we have the same - if we are lucky after about 10yrs DH family will now give is a rough timeslot
However, you do have to eat as do your children - can you get easy, throw in the oven food in that won't go to waste if your inlaws won't eat it or aren't there for lunch /dinner
Or I would say when they arrive 'we are off to the Caribbean restaurant at X time - we didn't know what time you were coming but we can ask if they can add you to the booking' if they say no then you have the perfect excuse to get up and out and get some dinner.

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 10:07

YANBU. At all.

Tell them while they are welcome to visit and see the baby, you'd really appreciate it if they brought a casserole/tray of lasagne/mac'n'cheese as looking after your DS has been a full-time job, thank you ever so muchly.

How people expect to visit any family (never mind their own) with a new baby AND expect to be fed/dined is absolutely beyond me Hmm

totalrecall1 · 17/09/2016 10:09

In my house if you pre-arrange a visit and it co-insides with dinner or lunch time you get fed. If that means we order and pay for a takeaway that's fine, but I certainly wouldn't expect guests to pay for their own dinner. I think it's really rude. Sorry

ohgoodlordthatsmoist · 17/09/2016 10:11

Off to sainsburys or m&s and grab some salad bags garlic bread and quiche too bad if they don't like it they can stop on their way home for sustenance

CaptainBrickbeard · 17/09/2016 10:12

OP, if you are only eating breakfast and nothing else all day while breastfeeding a newborn, you are going to make yourself ill. No wonder you can't contemplate cooking or hosting if you are surviving on one meal a day. Breastfeeding should increase your appetite, I think it's very worrying that you aren't feeling hungry.

On the Christmas dinner note, I would be appalled if the ill mother of a ten day old baby was cooking Christmas dinner for me! How could anyone feel comfortable with that? Why would the mother j question out herself through it? There are no prizes for pushing yourself to accomplish things like that with a new baby! Fine if you want to and are up to it - but using it as a stick to beat other new mothers who aren't up to it is really awful.

DoinItFine · 17/09/2016 10:13

How people expect to visit any family (never mind their own) with a new baby AND expect to be fed/dined is absolutely beyond me

Me too.

You are very clear about your arrival and departure times.

You don't span a mealtime.

You arrive fed.

You make sure your hosts know you will be arriving fed and will be leaving before any further feeding is required.

Bonus points if you can bring some homemade meals that can be popped in the freezer.

You do NOT

invite yoursef

expect to be fed

make known your food preferences

refuse to be clear about your arrival and departure times

They are being obnoxious.

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 10:16

Do you know what, on reflection, get your DP to contact them and tell them their visit today does not suit (no explanation required) and then give them a day/time that you feel you can accommodate. And that does not include a feeding time Grin

mum2Bomg · 17/09/2016 10:17

Agree with soup and rolls - easy, DH can do it and you don't have to worry x

bummyknocker · 17/09/2016 10:17

YANBU, they should be bringing you food, not the other way round!!

Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 10:18

Pacific: Honestly, if I was going to visit someone and they asked me to make and bring a lasagne, I would die laughing and then cancel. These particular people sound like dicks, but that really is no way to treat guests, I don't care if you've just had a baby!

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 10:21

Trifle, well, I must have been very lucky then: my parents live abroad so came and stayed with us after every time I had a baby and my mum cooked while they were here - it was great. The ILs came to visit, bearing gifts including freezable food.
Even friends brought homemade cake etc - DH simply provided never-ending cups of tea and coffee Grin

dragonmom · 17/09/2016 10:21

Use the 'nighty' rule here. When you have visitors to the new baby, and you are tired and can't do too much, always wear your (clean neatest of course!) Nighty and dressing gown when they arrive. Be snuggled up with pillows and baby on the sofa when they come in. Visitors are reminded that you are recuperating from serious body trauma of labour. This can be used for at least the first three months. Comments like "she is not sleeping at all at the moment!" help. I promise they will get the idea and will,be making you cups of tea and telling you "no don't get up, I'll get you that....you stay there...would you like a biscuit?".

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 10:22

To clarify, I had not asked any friends to bring food Grin

SuperFlyHigh · 17/09/2016 10:24

Ok so you weren't going to cook but this way is easier than pricier takeaways, go to sainsbos or the nearest londis/spar shop.

Fresh pizzas from sainsbos are nicer than their frozen ones. Salad, some snacky things like Samosas etc. they even sell Jamaican patties etc there that you can bung in the microwave.

Another one really easy and you can help yourselves is chicken or veggie fajitas in tortillas, all you need to do is buy the dips, chicken, peppers and onion quick cook then serve. DH could do that one.

I really don't get why if they're his family he is not making any effort, surely he's had his paternity leave etc. also his repertoire needs stepping up more for the future beyond cheesy pasta etc.

Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 10:24

Pacific: It's wonderful that you have such thoughtful relatives. Most visitors to a home with a small baby (4 weeks or so) are reasonable to expect not to have to bring meals, however, and I would never ask them to!

DoinItFine · 17/09/2016 10:26

If they're his family, they only have themselves to blame for the fact that he can't cook.

It's certainly not his wife's fault the sent an adult into the world incapable of basic independence.

LaurieMarlow · 17/09/2016 10:28

I think expecting to be waited on by a post partum woman is one of the most breathtakingly rude things I can think of.

Visiting a woman's who's just given birth is utterly different to visiting normally. You arrive at that door prepared to muck in, not to create extra work.

Thankfully my MIL at least got that absolutely.

NightWanderer · 17/09/2016 10:28

It's not just the cooking. It's the space. The OP doesn't have the space to feed them a meal. We're the same. It's really not a big deal to say we were planning on chips or a Chinese for dinner, do you want to join us or...?

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 10:29

No, there should be no need to ask, it should be a given IMO.

And I think that many women/new mothers are far too accepting of the 'hostess' role when they are just recovering from being pregnant/delivering/looking after a new baby.

Anyway, I agree, it should be the OP's DP who deals with his family.
Unless of course he too expects her to do it all.

totalrecall1 · 17/09/2016 10:30

Dragon - stay in your nighty for 3 months - you've; had a baby not suffering from a major trauma!! I went back to work after 4 weeks, DM was up and about 3 days after major heart surgery. Some people certainly like their drama!!

dragonmom · 17/09/2016 10:33

BTW YANBU just get DH to call them and explain you are both very tired/wont be cooking and could they grab some takeaway on the way if they want feeding. Lots of advice here about catering easily but you have a tiny baby to feed, and you have to make that food the hard way! Just bite the bullet (or rather make DH) and tell them. You can offer to split the cost or pay for all of it if you want to /can afford it, but you have the right to be selfish right now. This is your time, for you and your wonderful family, don't waist these precious moment worrying about what family think about your hosting, they probably won't give it more than a moment's thought.

HandbagCrab · 17/09/2016 10:34

Agree doin although if dh can father 3 dc it would be in everyone's interests for him to expand his repertoire beyond cheese + carb = meal.

Picky buggers won't eat shop bought stuff ime. I'm sure op is aware you can buy quiche and salad etc in many a supermarket. Again I feel if it were that easy she wouldn't be posting.