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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

497 replies

OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:08

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

OP posts:
TheOddity · 19/09/2016 11:09

Anyone who gets snotty about being offered takeaway would not be a welcome guest in my house, baby or no baby!

BananaThePoet · 19/09/2016 11:26

Seems like I'm in a minority but I thought hospitality was something between strangers, acquaintances and paying guests.

Family is family. They are supposed to love you unconditionally and they are supposed to know you and make allowances for you because of circumstances.

Standing on ceremony and being polite other than real mutual respect and affection should not come into the equation.

Family should be able to turn up and find you scruffy and tired and they should make it all better not worse.

If you aren't glad to see them because they are horrible and selfish and only value you if you provide them with 'stuff' then frankly what's the point of them?

Of course have occasions when you lay on a good nosh - but when you choose to invite them for that and when you are comfortable and happy to do that.

I would never feel guilty for providing only tea and biscuits for family and if they flounce off because they expect to be treated like strangers or paying guests then they are the ones being unreasonable. In fact if I manage to be organised enough to have biscuits as well as tea and coffee I usually feel pretty impressed with myself. Wink

What next, Trip Advisor reviews for how well a family visit has gone?
I visit family because I want to spend time talking and being with the individuals concerned and I would hope that would be why they would visit me. If they want catering for they absolutely should go out for a meal and not treat you as some sort of cafe/restaurant leisure facility.

I often get a takeaway when I visit relatives and I consider it quite a treat!

TathitiPete · 19/09/2016 11:33

The cheque cannot be cancelled, it's already been cashed!

The cheque has been cashed, the guests have gone home, the fat lady has sung, is half of MN on glue?!

StrangeLookingParasite · 19/09/2016 12:06

There once was a word - hospitality. Now as a dead as a dodo it would seem.

IF you had bothered to read the thread, you would know these people were uninvited; they invited themselves, which is horrifically rude in normal circumstances, and beyond the pale four weeks post-partum.
IF you had read the thread you would also know that these people come empty-handed (also rude) and do absolutely nothing but expect to be waited on. The being waited on is fine if you are an invited guest, but not if you're a gate-crashing freeloader.

Londonmamabychance · 19/09/2016 17:19

I'd just present them
With a choice of takeaway menus so they can themselves choose one they like, and then let them order whatever they want from there. Sort it out and lay for them, but by all means, go for takeaway.

Londonmamabychance · 19/09/2016 17:19

*pay

MalcolmTuckersEyebrows · 19/09/2016 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reebs123 · 19/09/2016 20:43

I don't understand how people can be so inconsiderate to new mothers. Turning up uninvited & expecting a 3 course meal. Don't they remember what it was like to be a new mum or can't they sympathise? Not everyone can go back to normal the next day!!

Ticketybootoo · 19/09/2016 21:08

I am a bit late to reply but hope it went well whatever you decided to do . I distinctly remember with my second baby my MIL deciding to stay the evening of the birth of my second daughter and then stay the following night univited . Sometimes people's expectations are too high and sometimes husbands don't always stand up to their family Sad

RunningLulu · 19/09/2016 21:22

Just get pizza. If they don't like it then they can make their own plans.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/09/2016 21:26

Just get pizza Ok so that's one on glue so far.

Sausagesandroses · 19/09/2016 21:40

Where I come from, and several other cultures as far as I know, new mothers are not expected to receive visitors for the first 40 days post partum.

AppleMagic · 20/09/2016 02:10

What is Cook?

It's the Surrey equivalent of a takeaway. Grin

freshstart22 · 20/09/2016 07:14

apple it's basically the macdonalds of Surrey..

ineedbanoffee · 20/09/2016 08:50

Why are people so pissed off about other people continuing to debate this even after the actual visit has gone? This is weird to me - surely loads of AIBU posts turn into hypothetical 'would you wouldn't you' type discussions, and this one hit a nerve for a lot of people. The OP doesn't have to keep reading now the visit has already happened, and nor does anybody else if they think it's irrelevant now, but if people want to keep chatting about it, why not?! Weird!

ChocolateWombat · 20/09/2016 10:45

There isn't a right answer is there!

On here, as Mums, we get all defensive of the 'rights' of Mums and like to see having a baby as some kind of holy and mystical occasion, with mums to be treated with kid gloves.

People visit new mums - having a baby IS a big event and people want to congratulate and celebrate. It is up to the individual mum and dad if they want to invite the world over, tell people to turn up unannounced, feed them, or to say no one is welcome, or people can come for very short visits, or can come for a coffee, but not food, should bring a takeaway, bring a meal for everyone, go away and eat. As always, communicating what you would like to happen is key...and most people will be able to hear the information given and respect it, especially from a new mum. If they don't seem to be, say it louder and clearer. But there's no right answer.

Myself....we asked for only short visits in the first week (including anyone who wanted to come from a distance) and had longer visits after that. Sometimes DH did some food, but more often our friends and families offered to bring a meal for all of us. We always had lots of biscuits and cake in.

itstimeforchange · 20/09/2016 15:18

I'll just say now that I do think expecting people to have the time to read the entire thread is a bit unreasonable...

Glad they didn't stay too long, OP. Keep asserting yourself when it matters to you Smile

I have to say my thoughts on guest etiquette are:

Guests: Offer help in any way possible, try and be useful, polite and don't get in the way.
Hosts: Offer as much as you are able to in the way of drinks/bics, attention, etc. (But not so much that it is detrimental to your health, like I always used to feel the need to do.)

It's like a good marriage. Each gives their best. Both are then pleasantly surprised/feel cherished.

MalcolmTuckersEyebrows · 20/09/2016 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyGanoush · 20/09/2016 20:10

I got Dominos for guests in my first year month with DS

Just made sure there was always tea/beer/wine in the house

ineedbanoffee · 20/09/2016 21:18

Okay malcolm, but nobody got seriously injured here. The inlaws just came round!

NataliaOsipova · 20/09/2016 22:41

Okay malcolm, but nobody got seriously injured here. The inlaws just came round!

...feels like the same thing in our house at times, ineedbanoffee!

ineedbanoffee · 20/09/2016 23:16

Almost said the same thing ;)

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