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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

497 replies

OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:08

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

OP posts:
pinkmagic1 · 17/09/2016 07:50

I think it would be poor form to expect them to pay but nothing wrong with offering a takeaway at all.

emmyhNL · 17/09/2016 07:51

You're not unreasonable but I'd be getting DH to take some slack and get some food in... For you if no-one else! You need to eat more with a newborn. Brekkie isn't sufficient!

When we had visitors over they were demanding tea, coffee, snacks. A friend sent me a meme saying if you have visitors they should be helping you not sitting on their bums.

Whenever I've visited friends who have just given birth I've brought them food, healthy snacks, anything else they'd might like. I've also offered to clean, iron or do anything else to help

DH needs to stand up for you here

penguinplease · 17/09/2016 07:51

I can't see why you wouldn't feed them to be honest.
When my youngest was 2 weeks old I hosted Xmas and cooked for 9 extra people.. It was fine, the baby was very much passed around but he didn't care and my only stipulation was they had to wash up. its not like you can't throw a few bits together surely?!

MidnightRunner87 · 17/09/2016 07:51

Unless they've been invited for a meal it's rude and presumptuous of them to expect one. I think it's fine, just wait til it's close to time to get tea and let your dh say 'we'd planned to get a take away for tea, did you want to look at the menu to see if there is anything you want?' And then tally up the cost and ask for their share if they say yes. Nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
OohMavis · 17/09/2016 07:52

I would never be so rude!

Right? And neither would I - before I witnessed how truly rude and inconsiderate people can be when visiting! And it's only now, many years and three newborns later that I'm even considering saying 'fuck it' and not behaving like the perfect hostess.

OP posts:
MoreCoffeeNow · 17/09/2016 07:54

And then tally up the cost and ask for their share if they say yes. Nothing wrong with that.

Yes there is. It's incredibly rude.

Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 07:55

OP, where did I say you should behave like the 'perfect hostess'? I didn't. But you (and by 'you' I also mean your DH) should feed guests at dinner time, not offer them a takeaway menu, or yes, you are being rude. You did ask.

ImAMorningPerson · 17/09/2016 07:56

Ok so when I had a newborn and umpteen visitors, my guests would have a cuppa and a biscuit then jog on.
If it was close family friends then food would be made, by my mum and brought round.

Why can't they make food for YOU and bring it round. That would be so kind and considerate but I'm sensing they aren't that when it comes to visiting.

Tell DH to suggest they cater their visit themselves.

Catsize · 17/09/2016 07:58

It would be really rude to suggest they paid for it.

i did Christmas dinner when very ill with a 10 day old, for 12. A pasta bake or something is very do-able.

Or you can pay for a takeaway. In all likelihood, they would go halves or whatever anyway.

Yonosemanana · 17/09/2016 07:59

Pasta and pesto? Fresh pasta and nice sauce from supermarket? Noodles and stir fry veg? Lots of super quick meals (10 mins max!) that are healthy, your DH could make on his own (if he's not au fait with the kitchen!) means family get fed, you can pick at it if you're hungry too... And looks/tastes like you've made a bit of an effort. Also cheaper than takeaway. Sandwiches are a hassle and I'd hate them for dinner!
That said, chip shop chips. Mmmmm

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2016 08:00

I think there's a bit of a lack of understanding re. the term "guests" here.

OP has said these ILs are "descending" on them today - that, to me, implies that the OP and her DH haven't issued the invitation, but the family have decided to turn up.

This does not imbue them with the hallowed status of "invited guests". Invited guests should be catered for and should never be asked for contributions to food/dinner, I totally agree with that - but family who invite themselves over without much consideration are not in the same category, and I would quite happily suggest splitting the bill for take away with them. As would they.

blueskyinmarch · 17/09/2016 08:01

It would never cross my mind not to feed guests. I hosted Christmas at mine when DD2 was 10 days old. I admit my mum helped but I wasn't unable to cook and get things sorted out.

For guests like this I would probably make a massive pasta bake (any tomato based save, stir in cooked pasta and sprinkle cheese on top) to pop in the oven with garlic bread and salad. But I would have made it the day before.

I have never said this before but at times people on MN make having a baby sound like in incredible feat rendering someone completely unable to function for several months afterwards. I get some people have issues afterwards but I rather suspect that 4 weeks post birth most people are fairly capable of putting a simple meal together.

Original poster
OohMavis · 17/09/2016 08:05

I did Christmas dinner when very ill with a 10 day old, for 12

Are you superhuman?

Or did you have one of these lovely babies who actually slept and didn't mind being held by anyone but you? I don't make babies like that unfortunately Envy

OP posts:
Anushka · 17/09/2016 08:05

Do you need to feed them at all? I am not sure why we (me included) have this total obsession with feeding everyone all the time, if I go someowhere and I'm not fed I can't say it bothers me, I'm quite capable of feeding myself something to eat. In years gone by when your in laws had visitors I'm sure they would not have made them dinner. "Entertaining" should be a joy not a chore, say something like, "we must invite you round for dinner before Xmas".

Get them a cake, give them coffee/tea, it's enough. You'll also prevent making a rod for your own back for the rest of your life! I suspect dh has suggested you need to feed them (mine would) but you've got nothing to prove and it doesn't make you rude.

However be careful wording anything which makes it appear you're not coping, my in laws would have use this against me for the rest of my life! If they suggest they are hungry point out local pubs, take always or shops, they may like to help you out but not want to step on your toes.

Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 08:05

Who invited them? If they invited themselves, just explain you can't do dinner so they will need to leave by 5pm or whatever. If you invited them - and I include "Can we come over for the day on Saturday?" "Yes" in this - then you should be feeding them. Get your DH to make something simple.

Coconutty · 17/09/2016 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lunar1 · 17/09/2016 08:08

Why can't your husband deal with the food. I'd have no objection to ordering in a takeaway for guests, but to send them out to buy their own is unbelievably rude.

Original poster
OohMavis · 17/09/2016 08:09

No we didn't invite them. We were issued a date when they'd be arriving. Not a time though, they never give us a time.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 17/09/2016 08:10

I understand your annoyance with their rudeness, but my DH was quite keen to cook when DS2 was tiny because he got a bit bored otherwise. It sounds like your DH has made the choice to be lazy when he has to cater for his own family. I'd therefore say that his family are his problem and leave him to it - all fallout from the decision is on him.

Congratulations on your new baby! Flowers

SeaFlute · 17/09/2016 08:10

I'd get some easy food in then tell them to help themselves (or DH can pop things in the oven/on the table). What's wrong with a couple of big bags of ready made salad, some nice breads, pack of antipasti meats? Or one of those ready-made sanwhich platters from Tesco?

If they don't like junk food they may not want takeaway. Could you all order from a local restaurant of their choice and DH go pick it up?

Trifleorbust · 17/09/2016 08:15

Right, so someone in your home needs to start saying no. Why are they coming at all if they are uninvited and why are you putting up with this? Don't worry about feeding them, worry about them being there when you didn't ask them over!

gamerwidow · 17/09/2016 08:15

Getting family to chip in for their own takeaway would not be considered bad form in my family. I don't really count family as proper guests as such. We are very much a "all muck in together" type of family. If I was visiting one of my relatives and they suggested a takeaway I would always offer to pay for my share if not all of it and they would do the same for me.

pollyglot · 17/09/2016 08:16

I ALWAYS arrive at the new baby's parents' home with a carload of food, including homegrown produce, casseroles and baking for a week or more. I can;t imagine not helping out.

ManaFleet · 17/09/2016 08:17

They are being rude, inconsiderate AND unreasonable if they expect to be fed. I wouldn't have done it at four weeks and I certainly wouldn't have done it at four days. I can't imagine that anyone would expect it though.

I suggest that once they get there and have a cup of tea in hand, DH asks what they would like to do for dinner later, outlining the take away options for them to ponder. Present it cheerfully as a fait accompli and that's that.

CocoLoco87 · 17/09/2016 08:18

This isn't OP's first baby so she will have other children who need looking after and other routines to stick to as well as a newborn who she says isn't easily passed around. I don't think she should be expected to cook. For those cooking xmas dinner with less than 2 week old babies...bully for you!! Not everyone copes like a superhuman all the time.

OP you have my sympathies, but i agree with PPs who say your husband needs to step up a bit and get some food in. Maybe he can wait till the ILs are round and see what they fancy having for tea. That way they have an opportunity to say 'oh we don't want to impose for a meal' or 'something easy like jacket potatoes would be nice'.

The main thing is you and your little bubs are relaxed and have no pressure.