to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

[OohMavis]

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

The key thing that jumps out to me, reading your posts, OP, is that you feel a bit railroaded by the visit, and imposed on. Not that you mind the visitors but you do mind the lack of timing and consideration.

I was pretty quick to bounce back from childbirth physically but years later I still secretly resent a member of my family for her behaviour after my second was born. My PiL had come to stay and, as has always been the case, she really visited to see them, not me and my family. She announced her visit and turned up at 9 in the morning with two boisterous toddlers. I was told that they would provide lunch, true, but it was food that I disliked, and I wasn't incapable, so I ended up going to the supermarket before they arrived and buying picnic stuff. It was that day you get all hormonal and by lunchtime I was ready for peace. Instead they said they wanted to give my elder a birthday party (it was her birthday but she was tiny, had a party planned on another day, and didn't really 'get' it). So back to the supermarket (for a break), more food bought, small daughter comes home from nursery to find two unfamiliar, energetic children bouncing round the house, and lost it, given that she was already adjusting to a new sibling. They opened her presents for her, and after tea, when I was drooping with fatigue, announced that they would bathe their children there to miss rush hour. They ended up staying for eleven hours, and I was locked in my room sobbing by the end.

I would have had no problem with them visiting, but would have liked to be consulted about day, time, length etc. And not dictated to in my own home about what we'd be eating. The newborn baby element was just the excuse for the visit, not any part in the rest of my feelings.

Fucking hell three that's an awful story!

she sounds like a dreadfully bossy selfish cow!

Why should women be bustling around cooking Christmas dinner or 'rustling up' meals shortly after they've had a baby? Just why?

Four weeks in, with both my two, I was a knackered flabby leaking wreck with infected stitches. This is quite common. Such energy as I had was devoted to reading novels and opening the bottles of wine that thoughtful friends brought round.

More thoughtless I think. But after baby three, I did everything I could to make it clear that her visit this time would be short. My MiL I know saw how pissed off I was so did her best to reinforce my request (she still turned up two hours early) and this time they bought the food I disliked and I had to eat it, but they were gone by 2pm!

Because we can't have them getting ideas above their station motherinferior. Obviously.

It's bemusing how many posters are regaling us with tales of all the cooking and/or housework they were doing, indecently early. As though it's some kind of positive. Or worse, a good example to follow! I appreciate that some women unfortunately have very little support, and visitors who expect waiting on. There've been some hair raising anecdotes! But this is hardly something to be celebrated. More like deplored. And if you genuinely were feeding the five thousand before the cord had been cut and the only reason was that you bloody love it, fine, your business, but have the decency not to suggest your decision has any relevance for anyone else.

Is she your SIL three? I think you're being very very tolerant not to have had it out with her.

I just want to vent really, sympathy for all, but 17 years ago I made tea and entertained mil an hour after our discharge (birth was that morning) and they wouldn't leave for three hours.

Sorry that's be very me me me. Hope you are feeling good opportunity and congrats on your baby.

Opportunity = op

The vast majority of women are not disabled four weeks after giving birth. The main problem is tiredness, especially as any support you get tapers off after the first few weeks.

In these early weeks, if there was anything I really wanted to do, I would drop everything else and focus on that one thing. Preparing one meal for guests does not mean preparing three meals for days on end. To say that it is out of reach for a fit and well 4w pp is not really true.

Even with the idea that they invited themselves over, the OP posted at 7am. This is plenty of time to get sorted. Unless you live in a seriously rural area, it's not that hard to run to the shops, especially when there are two adults involved. One can shop and the other clean. I never really got the notion of the weekly shop as I like to shop everyday for just what I need.

The other thing is to be in control of the invitations. If you don't invite family, then they will invite themselves! Be proactive! When I was a child back in the 70s, extended families would just turn up - no phone calls, no social media. That's why my mum always had a tin of salmon in the cupboard and the ingredients to make scones (12 minutes in a hot oven).

I think it is quite nice to have relatives to sit around for a whole day. It means they are enjoying your company! They are your family, not just your DH's. Tell them when they are out of line. Ask them to put their cups in the dishwasher ("would you mind..."). Tell them you need to have a nap, because the biggest problem you have is tiredness and you need to make up for broken sleep ("stay as long as you like, but I just need to have a couple of hours of shut-eye").

I read these inlaw bashing threads and always wish I had these problems. Mine live thousands of miles away, and my own family 400 miles away. I would love to complain about their visits, but they are several years apart.

By gum, you were NOT BU at all. And to be honest I'm flabbergasted and disappointed at some of the comments on here!! Yes they are your rellies but to have FIVE extra adults foisted upon you without little prior warning and with no idea of when they'd arrive I think you were more than courteous to offer them pizza never mind tea and biscuits. If I was visiting I'd be over the moon to be offered pizza or to be pointed in the direction of the nearsst takeaway and I'd be horrified if I wasn't paying for said takeaway myself!! Oh, and I'd make mine and everybody else's cuppas as well as offering help around the house and for you OP

Buzzy the way I see it, this problem is not the mother's to solve. The husband needs to sort it. Without being told, or asked, or thanked profusely.

"Why should women be bustling around cooking Christmas dinner or 'rustling up' meals shortly after they've had a baby? Just why?"

Of course there's no reason why they should. Martyrdom is very annoying. And let's men off the hook.

But I do find the "oh, women are completely incapable of doing anything for weeks after having a baby" pretty annoying too. And the "you've just had a baby-normal civilized standards or behaviour don't apply to you!" approach I could live without.

*with little prior warning not without!

I still think I solved this at the beginning of the thread. Bloke rings his dad/mum/sister/whoever and says "What are we going to do about food today? We were thinking about a takeaway- shall we do that, or will you pop to the shops on your way and buy some soup and bread and salad? And could you get some milk- and something nice for Mavis, she's lost her appetite"

Ah, the good ol' days, when a woman's place was to make sure she was around and had ingredients to conjure up meals for people who turn up and expect hotel service, dish up scones in a jiffy, 'pop to the shops' blah blah blah.

These people are dicks. They sat on their duffs and expected a couple with a newborn and two young children, one of whom had had a baby days before, to wait on them hand and foot, provide catering service to their tastes (hence, a pizza in the oven simply wouldn't do), and stayed for hours and hours. But they're family so the OP and her husband should just suck it up. Furthermore, the OP should be churning out the meals with a smile because that's what womminz do.

You did notice that it was the visitors I expected to "pop to the shops", didn't you?

Why no, Bertrand, because you're not the only one who suggest 'popping to the shops' on this lengthy thread and if I were addressing your personally, as you can see, I would have used your name in bold.

I'd say they lucky to get tea and biscuits! I remember my energy was still through the floor when my daughter was four weeks old !

The majority of posters though won't have read the previous thread expat which does go a long way to explaining the OP's attitude towards the ILs.

Most people I think said that the DH could source the food. They clearly don't live in the middle of nowhere or they wouldn't have easy access to takeaways.

I don't think bunging a couple of frozen pizzas in the oven is too huge a task for either the DH or the OP - if the ILs then rejected what's on offer that's the point at which to point them to the takeaway with their own wallets, or indeed to the door, but not in my mind before then.

We had a number of visitors when DS was a tiny baby and generally I'd buy a pasta bake from M&S and bung it in the oven. Apart from when my parents visited for my birthday 7 days post-partum, DH had cooked an full roast dinner for them and DF spent the entire time bemoaning our lack of steak knives, cause clearly on 2-3 hrs sleep per night this was a priority.

Some people just don't get what having a small baby entails. ILs may be dicks but at least they are making the effort to come over and visit - the DH should be spelling things out to them not the OP.

No, most of us are not disabled four weeks post-partum but we are mostly knackered and run-down.

I just really find the whole pressure to do stuff for masses of other people in traditional domestic martyr way quite unnecessary. There are many points in one's life where it is all a bit too much to contemplate.

In these early weeks, if there was anything I really wanted to do, I would drop everything else and focus on that one thing.

I don't think my one thing would be cooking for large numbers of people, really.

I should probably add that under normal circumstances I like groups of people, am an excellent cook, and have been known to produce curry for 30.

It seems some people have trouble with the idea that many of us feel the bar for not having to cook elaborate meals for several guests four weeks postpartum should be set slightly lower than 'not disabled'.

Can't you keep it simple and put in the oven a family size readymade Lasagne from tesco and garlic bread with salad if you can be bothered. That takes no work and just involves switching oven on. If not say you fancy a Chinese x