to tell guests to buy themselves a takeaway?

[OohMavis]

We have DH's family descending upon us today to visit and meet our four-week-old. They will expect feeding. They're not 'shove a pizza in the oven' kind of family, either.

Would it be rude to point them in the direction of the fish and chip shop and chinese takeaway over the road? We have a small house and there will be five of them. No dining table.

There will be tea and biscuits but that's all I'm planning on having in, our weekly shop is Monday.

Aibu?

I can't get over the number of super women on this thread, good for you if you felt so great 4 weeks postpartum but not all of us do. I had forceps with DS 1 and very bad PND, my in laws landed themselves on us for Christmas and it was a complete nightmare.

I'd say either tell them not to come or tell them what you can and can't manage catering-wise and let your DH sort out the eating arrangements. It could be a really good day if your other children get some of the attention!

AYBU? Who cares. You've just had a baby, you're allowed to be unreasonable!

When my baby was four weeks old, I was a snivelling, exhausted, leaking, sobbing, cluster feeding, postnatally depressed, painful mess. I had both mums round and I did no housework whatsoever until she was three months old.

I'd think Satan has a place reserved in hell for me, but actually I think I was already in it for the first few months of my daughter's life. Still, if I'm destined to shovel coal for it, maybe one of the superwomen above who are going to heaven can dig a hole and pull me through. And make me a three course welcoming meal.

Hyancinth and Sheba's posts are spot on.

'is just how many women are conditioned to believe that it is somehow their duty to provide food, drinks, entertainment and general hostess duties to anyone who rocks up to the house at any time of night or day. '

This.

Yanbu op. I have never forgiven dh (recently seperated) after he decided to have a bbq the day I got out of hospital with dcs, so 5 days post c section. I had to entertain 3 dcs while he spent 2 hours building said bbq,go to the shops as he had not bought any of the stuff we needed. Then upon my return he buggers off to buy all the bbq stuff while I spend the next 2 hours running around making cups of tea,sandwiches etc for my in laws, bil and silence and their dcs. It was 6 years ago and it still boils my piss!

'I spend the next 2 hours running around making cups of tea,sandwiches etc for my in laws, bil and silence and their dcs.'

They're utter wankers for allowing you to do that.

Mistress if guest are coming round they get what I have - & again apart fro on MN I never in real life hear it said or intimated that there has to be a big fuss about food provided - the choice to overthink people's eating habits normally comes from the one who doesn't want to host - not unless guests have rung up with a string of requirements & it doesn't sound as if these guests have

Not that I'd actually be putting anything in the oven anyway - there's a DH about its not a 1 parent family so sorry, I can't see the big deal on this one

People need to stand up and be who they are, if its so bad you can't stand DH & baby's relatives company for a few hours on occasional visits then tell the DH he can sort it, he can hand round the baby too if thats the remit OP doesn't need to constantly be there throughout. DH can do the explanations that OP is extremely tired, and resting in room

Its unecessary passive aggressiveness then in few years land on relationship board going on that family don't visit. Women have been having babies for 1000s of years its nothing new or unique

I wasn't a superwoman when I had mine I could rustle up a quick meal tho - if I wanted to, that is. If I didn't want to then I didn't. No way would I have guests around then not provide anything/tell them to get a takeaway, its beyond rude who on earth does that in reality?

Its easy for some to goad people into situations "No! don't provide a thing, let them fend for themselves go across the road buy their own meal!" but in real life would they do that to their guests, particularly family relatives? I highly doubt it, its just bluff. Sounds good to be tough on an internet board.

There's a DH present with a pair of hands its a 2 parent family OP isn't going it alone with sole care of a baby. This is much precious ado about nothing at all.. Leave him to sort the bulk of it re his family visiting, don't get over-invested and thats it

And women have been dying of childbirth and related complications and getting mentally ill from being expected to be super homemakers and hostesses with no thought for themselves (traditionally called feminine hysteria and irrationality) for thousands of years as well.

I definitely blame my selfishness on the fact that my mother breastfed me too much as a newborn.

Ever since I have not been able to shake the idea that I am the centre of the universe.

How dare she?

Yes women have been having babies for centuries . But most cultures has a time of lying in, when the women stayed in bed /indoors recovering from the birth and feeding the baby .

She wasn't allowed to do housework and make food, other family members came around and did this and cared for other children .

There's a reason for this. They werent all stupid primative savages who didn't understand that she should be in Waitrose four days later buying a nice quiche and salad and then popping potatoes into the oven to crisp up .

What does women having had babies for centuries actually have to do with this scenario, though? I mean, I presume we all know that.

'No way would I have guests around then not provide anything/tell them to get a takeaway, its beyond rude who on earth does that in reality?

Its easy for some to goad people into situations "No! don't provide a thing, let them fend for themselves go across the road buy their own meal!" but in real life would they do that to their guests, particularly family relatives? I highly doubt it, its just bluff. Sounds good to be tough on an internet board.'

The OP's husband did it. I presume they are people in real life. Really cannot get my head round family who invite themselves and a host of other relatives round, not asking, just telling that they will be coming, not giving a time and then expecting to all be fed a meal by a couple with a newborn baby.

I think it's because any woman who didn't have a really easy labour and delivery like the writer is clearly a silly baby who needs to get over herself and get back to scrubbing floors, Stop BF their stupid over indulged babies and return to their housemaid duties.

All these poor men, having to make coffee and open packets of biscuits themselves , it's a tragedy.

Mmm, I can't imagine people who in reality turn up in a home with a newborn, over a mealtime, bringing fuck all and expecting to be fed. But apparently such people exist. MN is a revelation sometimes!

Same here doinitfine. That's why I've formula fed mine. To make them selfless.

They sound like a bit of a pain, but.... takeaways are expensive. If you don't want to feed them, would it not be a bit more civil to warn them in advance?

"By the way, it's not really practical to cook a big meal for obvious reasons. So if you want to stay for dinner, I thought we'd just have some casual things to eat. Would you be able to bring some sandwiches and stuff, and we will cut up some salad and veg sticks and things?"

Or if you really don't want them for dinner, just state politely that your baby gets colicky and overstimulated in the evenings, so you'd really like it if you could have the house to yourself by 5pm. Get your husband to turf them out if necessary.

Apparently there's an M&S and Waitrose on every corner in the UK, too, Hyacinth, and everyone has endless pots of money to just pop into one and pick up food for 5 extra adults or purchase takeaway meals for 5 extra adults.

As for "women have been having babies for 1000s of years"--look, seriously, in traditional societies women usually have a period of rest for 5-6 weeks after giving birth. Even in places like Japan and China today, it's accepted that family members do their share and make sure that the new mother is rested.

Ha--I see the family members have been and gone. They sound like a rude bunch of so-and-sos.

You didn't invite them so no it is not rude not to provide refreshment. If they had any grace they would be offering to take you out for something simple (pub or similar) or bring something made that can be reheated easily for all

Anyone suggesting you should be up to cooking by 4 weeks, yes you probably are able to prep simple supper for two, not a dinner party. They should be coming with the idea of helping make life easier for you, not creating more work just as you might be finding your feet

I don't think it's much bother to cook for five extra and baby is 4 weeks, maybe they wanted to wait until you were ready for guests too? I was a single parent of 5 and cooked the day after DS 5 was born. It might prevent ill feelings further down the line too, if not maybe buy them a takeaway?

In reply to Expat-yes they are,so much so that I have been nc with in laws for almost 2 years now. Fil actually came into kitchen and saw me on my hands and knees wiping something up and laughed. Now dh and I have seperated apparently he can't stand me and never wants to see me again. Oh dear.

Buy them a takeaway and what? Throw it at them? They've gone home now. Mavis how's your throwing arm?

Not great Tat, it's tired from sitting down on my arse holding the baby all day