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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not Wanting To Leave

402 replies

ArmyMumToBabyGirl · 16/09/2016 13:22

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

OP posts:
TrippyMcTrapFace · 17/09/2016 16:17

Why have you NC mid thread?

ilovesooty · 17/09/2016 16:18

Probably because she forgot to change back after starting a thread about how nasty women are on here.

MrsHam13 · 17/09/2016 16:23

Look why don't you just move and try it out and give your relationship a proper shot. Let your daughter and father build a proper relationship and form a bond without your parents in the shadows.

Surely that's the only at to see it the relationship will work and if it doesn't it's not like you have sold a house to try it or given up a rented property. you are just moving back in with your parents.

You might as well try now before your daughter starts preschool etc and would be really disrupted being moved.

You could love it. If you don't, move home and end the relationship.

What's your parents opinion?

Rozdeek · 17/09/2016 16:23

Haha ilove!!!!

InfinityTimesInfinity · 17/09/2016 16:26

No I didn't do it for that reason actually ifuckingsooty.
People made valid points regarding my username & funnily enough I took them on board!

HenRah · 17/09/2016 16:32

Oops Grin

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/09/2016 16:34

No I didn't do it for that reason actually ifuckingsooty.

No you could have done it to start another thread complaining about the replies you were getting here Wink

TrippyMcTrapFace · 17/09/2016 16:36

oops Grin

Screenburn · 17/09/2016 16:37

So it's just coincidence then OP that you happened to start another thread complaining about how mean "women on here" are after having NC and neglecting to point out to posters on that thread that you're the same person?

Also given your steadfast refusal to take on board anything else posters have suggested on this thread, I find it hard to believe that you accepted YWBU about your name. Just admit you made a mistake and posted back here forgetting to NC back; people will respect you more if you admit to cocking up.

ilovesooty · 17/09/2016 16:40

I suppose I could report that but I can't be arsed. Let the OP whine about nastiness on another thread while showing herself up here.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/09/2016 16:40

Well according to himself - if you're planning on getting married and have a baby together, they'll consider you for married quarters if there are houses available!
It happened to a friend of his.

No, they absolutely do not do this. The clue is in the name married quarters. (They're actually called Service Family Accommodation now). You have to be married or in a civil partnership. You get the keys 10 days before your wedding date. Single parents with custody get it too.

Housing is is short enough supply as it is. If they gave it to everyone with a child, who said they were planning on getting married there wouldn't be any.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 17/09/2016 16:43

Exactly sooty .

AGruffaloCrumble · 17/09/2016 16:48

Fairy, they actually do now, or are starting to at least. DP had a meeting at work about it. The whole housing idea is being completely overhauled. They won't have patches anymore, they rent local houses instead.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/09/2016 16:53

That's not in yet Gruffalo. It's called the New Accomadation Model, we're all be consulted on it, filling in forms, surveys etc. The rules having changed as yet, it's 2017 iirc

TheFairyCaravan · 17/09/2016 16:53

*haven't changed that should say.

ElleDubloo · 17/09/2016 17:01

When I read your post, my first instinct was to have lots of sympathy with you, OP!

I wouldn't want to be an army wife either. I wouldn't choose to move far away from my family if I could help it (though incidentally, I have done so as I couldn't help it). I wouldn't prefer to live alone with a baby 5 days a week. I wouldn't feel safe alone at night. Especially if I were disabled. I wouldn't prefer to pay the mortgage and bills on a house if I had the option of living with my parents who I get on with, especially if I were as young as you and struggling financially.

However, I think I have a lot of sympathy for your partner too - and ultimately, he is right. He wants a family with you, if you're willing.

It sounds very much that you didn't quite think things through when you planned the baby (and I mean "you" in the plural). A baby is a much bigger commitment than living together, a much bigger commitment than even marriage.

It's not your fault - I'm not sure I thoroughly thought through every important decision I made when I was 24.

But now you have to decide what to do. Do you go and form a family with the man you love and the father of your child? Or do you go your separate ways and each find someone more compatible?

It's a horribly difficult decision and you have my every sympathy.

Deckthehallswithjammydodgers · 17/09/2016 17:11

I got married to my husband at 19 moved hundreds of miles from home to live in quarters. I have a disability and it was the best decision I ever made loved ever minute of it we have settled back home with our kids now but if you want to be a family you have to compromise as well. You sound like you need to grow up loads and why did you have a baby with someone it's clear you don't want to live with?.

AGruffaloCrumble · 17/09/2016 17:17

Fairy Sounds about right, DP doesn't listen to specifics as we're not in MQs and don't plan to be anytime soon. I don't think it's being met with much positive response where he is.

InfinityTimesInfinity · 17/09/2016 17:29

No I have no shame in having started that other topic ... wanted to see what people's responses were to that matter!
It's interesting reading opinions on that matter after the comments I've received on here.
I don't believe I'm showing myself up thank you.
I came on here asking for opinions, I got them.
The only people who are showing themselves up, are the ones throwing the nasty insults my way.
I didn't ask to be ridiculed and insulted - I asked for opinions, which funnily enough for those of you who are unaware - can actually be given without a character assassination & being outright rude and nasty!
Just a little insight for you there.

MistressMerryWeather · 17/09/2016 17:30

I completely agree with Branleuse.

There is a lot of criticism here on the op about having a baby in the first place given her situation but this man also chose to have a baby and with a woman who is disabled and relies on her parents for care.

Being disabled can be frightening and isolating enough, especially when there is chronic pain involved. Throwing ultimatums around isn't going to change that.

The fact that some posters have been in similar situations and felt confident enough to do things alone really has no bearing on this situation. Every disability is different.

OP isn't confident enough to leave her carers right now and that doesn't make her immature, it just means she is aware of her limitations.

ilovesooty · 17/09/2016 17:37

I don't believe I'm showing myself up

People who are seldom do.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/09/2016 17:37

It's still at the consult and planning stage Gruffalo. They've not made any decisions yet, but they're still putting new kitchens and bathrooms in, here as people move out and before the next lot move in. It makes no sense.

TheNaze73 · 17/09/2016 17:38

Firstly, not read the whole thread however, I actually think he's looking out for you al.

What would your solution be OP??

AyeAmarok · 17/09/2016 17:40

So you both wanted a baby together for years, but the baby was conceived 3 konths into your relationship.

You "love each other", but he never wants to spend any time with you at the weekends, and has no interest in his daughter either. And instead spends his free time with his mates.

But even though he doesn't seem to particularly like you, he wants to get married and have you move in together.

Is that right?

InfinityTimesInfinity · 17/09/2016 17:44

I truthfully don't know what to do or where to go from here.. I don't know what I expect.
In no way do I expect him or want him to leave the army.
(Regardless of earlier comments from readers)- I've been nothing but supportive towards in career in the forces!!
It is only now with this whole living situation that it's ever come up as an issue.
I can 100% understand he would like a family home etc, it would be ideal to have pic own space! I don't mean for any of my comments to have come across as selfish - it's just, now I'm essentially being given an ultimatum .. and I'm not babied by my parents at all, I'm not spoilt, and I'm not just a child who doesn't want to leave home.
When I'm found on the floor crying with pain from my back - it's nice to have someone take over just for 5 minutes so I can pull myself together!
When I'm found on the floor crying because my little one has wriggled and fought me so hard for a pooey nappy change, that it's hurt my back so much fighting back - someone has walked in on poo smeared all over my floor and managed to take her and shower her down whilst I pull myself together!
I NEED that sometimes through the day, and I wouldn't get that in married quarters!
I'm not incapable of looking after my baby, but everyone knows the struggle babies can be sometimes, so, that LITTLE bit of respite just comes in handy sometimes?!

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