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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not Wanting To Leave

402 replies

ArmyMumToBabyGirl · 16/09/2016 13:22

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

OP posts:
AGruffaloCrumble · 16/09/2016 18:37

On a complete offside you will soon be able to live in married quarters not married.

MarcelineTheVampire · 16/09/2016 18:38

It is a hard life and I feel for you but that's the life you signed up for when you chose to be with and then had a baby with him.

I totally sympathise with you but can also see his side too- why don't you rent somewhere near your family and friends and see how you feel? It only has to be short term but you may find you like it and it gives you privacy at the weekends?

TheFairyCaravan · 16/09/2016 18:43

If he was committed to you he'd leave the army.

Why should he leave the army? The OP knew he was joining (he'd have passed selection and had his date) when they got together. Not only that, she had a child with him after he had finished Phase 1 and signed on.

Shadowboy · 16/09/2016 18:45

My mum raised me and my little brother most of the time alone (dad worked 3 months on/3 months off) and she was fine. My husband often works away- me and toddler sleep quite happily in a house on our own and I feel perfectly safe!! Not once have I felt at risk.

If you've known him for 11 years then I would find it odd that you don't want to make steps to forge a new life together and I see his point of view more than yours if I'm honest UNLESS there are health issues you are not explaining.

WannaBe · 16/09/2016 18:45

"What woman would feel remotely safe in a house with just her and a baby" what a bizarre statement. It's not as if the OP lives in darkest Africa where intruders are common place and armed....

Every woman should IMO feel empowered to live alone if they so choose. I live alone, my DS isn't a baby admittedly but sometimes he even goes away overnight and then I am in the house on my own, and I even have a disability. I do have a DP but wtf should I need a man to keep me safe? What a load of outdated rubbish.

As for the rest, as it's all drip-fed after the OP was told she was wrong I'll ignore it on the basis it's probably been exaggerated to get people back on-side.

At the end of the day if you get together with someone and have children with them there is a reasonable expectation that the relationship will move to the next level at some point. The DP is not unreasonable to want that. And even if the OP doesn't want to move 200 miles away from a support network (which TBH is understandable,) it's unreasonable not to want a family home for the couple and their child, without the inlaws.

Can you imagine the response if the OP were saying that the husband was the one living with his parents and refusing to move in with her?

Spiderpigspiderpig · 16/09/2016 18:45

Genuinely interested to find out why people can't just leave the army like a normal job?

dybil · 16/09/2016 18:47

It certainly sounds like the OP has never lived away from home, isn't currently employed and has possibly never been employed. She is very scared of the outside world because (1) she is a woman, and (2) people are cunts.

It seems like, even if it doesn't work out long term, it would be very good for her to live outside of the family home for a while. She can always move back home.

Of course, if her partner is horrible maybe she shouldn't live with him, but the OP sounds in danger of never growing up or becoming independent.

AGruffaloCrumble · 16/09/2016 18:47

Spiderpig It takes at least a year to give notice and it's hard to match the pay scale of the army. Even top government firms can't match my DP's army salary.

SwedishEdith · 16/09/2016 18:47

Cost of the investment in your training, I guess.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 16/09/2016 18:48

Because you are often in a period where you can't be discharged. Sometimes you can leave- although it's still not as simple as a normal job! But you "sign on" for years at a time.

TheFairyCaravan · 16/09/2016 18:48

Genuinely interested to find out why people can't just leave the army like a normal job?

Because you have to "sign off" and that takes about a year.

ChimpyChops · 16/09/2016 18:48

Spider, I am not sure about the Army but if it is anything like the Navy, my ex had to complete the first 4 years that he signed up for and then give a years notice.

Certainly was something like that anyway, it was a while ago.

teaandbiscuitsforme · 16/09/2016 18:50

Op, why is this thread carrying on?

You don't want to move away for the forces life, fair enough. Neither did I. DH weekend commutes.

Therefore rent / buy a house for your family home. Go to your parents during the week if you must but stop with the naive attitude about mortgages being a waste of money if he's only there 2 nights a week. Home owning is a long term game.

And YABVU to think you can't live on your own. Choose somewhere suitable for your disability and get on with your life.

TheFairyCaravan · 16/09/2016 18:51

I think you still have to do your 4 years before you can sign off. I'd ask DS1 but he's not home yet.

AGruffaloCrumble · 16/09/2016 18:52

Yes you do Fairy, just asked DP. Apart from in exceptional circumstances.

MagikarpetRide · 16/09/2016 18:53

spider I think it's more about the vocational element of it. It's akin to saying 'why not quit nursing' for your dp

ChronicPainDaddy · 16/09/2016 18:53

The military have an exemption for standard notice periods as each role is specific to the military and requires training. Some roles can be in training for several years and cost hundreds of thousands of pounds or more in costs. The justification for minimum return of service is imagine if the military spent millions of pounds of tax payers money training a pilot only for them to immediately leave after training and become an airline pilot, they'd be uproar over the waste of public funds

Madinche1sea · 16/09/2016 18:55

In the marines it's a minimum of 4 years after completion of training.

Madinche1sea · 16/09/2016 18:59

Anyway it's all a non issue if the OP doesn't even like him and thinks he's a useless dad. She's only had 11 years to make her minds up Confused

dailyarsewipe · 16/09/2016 19:00

Hmm....

Your posts certainly don't come across in the way that you perceive yourself.

Unless you think that you have misrepresented yourself somehow you are definitely BU.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 16/09/2016 19:01

To be fair madinche, he was 13 then. God only knows why OP had mentioned that. I went to school
With boys too Grin

KitKats28 · 16/09/2016 19:08

I actually think you should cut your losses and leave him to his career. You don't sound at all cut out to be a Forces spouse. Serving forces members need support at home, not whining. Being an army wife isn't for everyone, but if you are going to do it, you need to make sure you are in it for the right reasons.

We lived with my grandparents until I was a year old, as there was a quarter shortage and my dad had been posted 3 times in 3 years. Then he was going to leave the army so as not to take my mum away from her family support. Having looked at alternative jobs, he realised that coming out was a bad idea, so we upped sticks and moved overseas to join him. My mum knew what she had signed on for by marrying a soldier so she made the most of it. Yes, she missed her family, but she wanted to be with her husband and he was in the army so that was that.

Losingtheplod · 16/09/2016 19:09

I think you have had a hard time OP that is not deserved. I can see both sides here. I think your DP is right, and you are not necessarily that committed to the relationship, if you don't want to take the next step, and live together. On the other hand I can see why you don't want to! I think you need to do some serious thinking about the future of the relationship, and whether it can progress if you both want different things.

VestalVirgin · 16/09/2016 19:21

Every woman should IMO feel empowered to live alone if they so choose.

Yes, but OP does not choose to live alone. That's why this thread exists in the first place. Confused

You are not seriously arguing that she ought to live alone and feel empowered by it, are you?

You can tell her to live alone, but you don't get to tell her how she ought to feel about it.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 16/09/2016 19:37

Women removing themselves from family and friends to live with men is one of the pillars that uphold patriarchy.

Hmm, well in this country and in our western culture I'd bet money that there are many more men who are isolated and alienated from their own families at the gradual insistence of their wives and who then become absorbed into their wife's family than there are the other way around.

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