Not Wanting To Leave

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

So, what do you think is the way forward? You KNEW he was going into the army and presumably the lifestyle that brings with it. You had opportunity to end it there, but you didn't, you had a baby.

That's ok, but what is your solution? Presumably he is the breadwinner for your family and his job is in the army. So either, you go to where he is in married quarters away from your family and friends (which you refuse to do) OR you get a house nearby that is yours for the 3 of you. A place for HIM to call home.

Yet you are unwilling to do anything of that. So what is your solution, your compromise? Because if you want to be a family you have to find one. He works in the military. Yes he made that choice but you went along with it by having his baby.

I just don't get how you think this will end. All he seems to want is a place for the three of you. That's not unreasonable is it ?

"Women removing themselves from family and friends to live with men is one of the pillars that uphold patriarchy."

Whilst this is clearly historically true and continues to persist, it is also a necessary compromise for some relationships. I (male) left a well-paid job and put my career on hold to move across the world for a few years for the benefit of my partners' education.

It's not appropriate to expect that the female in a m-f relationship be the one to make sacrifices, but couples need to find something that works for both of them. In this case, the OP is unwilling to make any sort of compromise - even just moving into their own space near family and friends.

So many points to consider in this thread.

I have a disability and chronic pain and understand how hard it can be without help. If that was your reason for wanting to stay with your parents then given that your OH is away so often I could understand it, however it seems your choice to live with your parents is unrelated to your disability.

You sound very afraid of change, afraid to live alone (most women do not feel unsafe home alone) and doubting your ability to make new friends. The army community is generally a very welcoming and supportive one, especially as everyone is in the same position as you. You'd probably make friends very quickly. Change is scary but branching out on your own and moving away from childhood friends and family is all part of growing up. Even if you didn't move, your friends may well do as they embark on their own careers and relationships so there's no garauntee they will always be around anyway.

You paint your OH as disinterested and non commital towards your child, yet you also say he is pushing for more commitment, marriage and living together. It's awful to say your DD doesn't like your OH. It's more likely that she just hasn't spent enough time to bond with him yet.

You are placing a lot of importance on your right to see your parents regularly and their right to see their grandchild regularly, but you don't seem to place the same importance on your DDs right to see her daddy regularly and his right to see her. It's great that your parents have a close relationship to your DD but that shouldn't trump the relationship she has with her dad.

At best it's naive to go into a relationship with someone in the army and yet not be willing to commit to an army life. A family life is especially important to someone in the army, it gives them a slice of stability and an anchor amongst all the upheaval and uncertainty. If you didn't want to live away from your family you could compromise by getting your own home near them, at least then you and your OH would have somewhere to call your own, and you could still visit your parents during the week. You don't seem willing to compromise though, you sound like you either want him to leave the army (which is unreasonable since you knew from the beginning that he wanted to be in the army) or carry on with things as they are even though you know he isn't happy and that his relationship with his DD is suffering because of it. I don't think he is BU at all by wanting more commitment. I think you really need to ask yourself whether you really want to be with him.

I think the OP is struggling to see where her DP is compromising. His commitment is to the army and then to his friends.

But he is compromising, isn't he, in offering the alternative of finding a house near her parents? Especially given that he would presumably be paying the mortgage.

What I am not okay with, however, is pressuring a disabled woman with a young child into leaving her family and friends to move in with a man (or be alone, or waste rent) when she says she doesn't feel comfortable with that.

She seems to be complaining that he won't propose. The vast majority of people accepting a marriage proposal intend to move in with their spouse before or after their marriage. Expecting that to happen, and offering two different alternatives, is hardly "pressuring" anyone.

I can see OP's point. She doesn't want to leave her family and friends for a (perceived) lonely life as an army wife. This is intensified by the fact she has a disability and feels vulnerable (not wanting to be in the house alone with a young child).

But all of those considerations are precisely why it makes absolutely no sense to pursue a relationship with a serviceman, far less have a child with him, if that is how you feel! They were only dating a week when he enlisted - plenty time to bail on that relationship and find somewhere more suitable.

Absolutely unfathomable that OP couldn't have foreseen this happening and taken appropriate action to avoid it.

The OP would get all my respect IF SHE WERENT ALREADY A PARENT BY CHOICE!

Why in gods name would you decide to have a child with someone in the army after a year and not even married if you don't like the fact they are in the army?

I just get the vibe that the OP wanted a baby and her DH was a handy sperm donor. Her OH is convenient because he's never there to interfere and of course the baby "doesn't like him".

OP, when you've done everything you can to weaken the relationship between your child and her father, don't you dare play the victim about how you're a supermum and how he never sees her!

VeryBitchyRestingFace - but even if we all see her point that she doesn't want to move 2 hours away from her family and friends, the fact remains that she also refuses to move into a house close to her family and friends. She basically just wants to live with her parents indefinitely.

What RedSky said. Also you do sound immature.
Also:
I certainly wouldn't stay in a house by myself for 5 days a week, I wouldn't feel safe at all
Where tf do you live, the wild west?! Why on earth would you not feel safe on your own in a house with a baby? Do you suffer from anxiety?

Loads of comments have not read them all.

From.my experience many blokes in the army are quite insecure and need a feeling of home. They find their bloke rooms incrediblely depressing and end up surrounded by younger lads who just want to party and drink. When the slightly.older blokes want their partner and kid (s).

He's not being mean. He just really wants his family as a unit. If your not going to do married quaters then I would think about getting your own flat. You need a home that is your own and something he can come home to and be his.

It's not the greatest feeling in the world to have your parenting watched by your inlaws.

When do you get to snuggle alone on the sofa or pick tv programmes together

rubble I think that's more an indication of the people you mix with rather than a realistic view of soldiers. You sound like someone from the 70's.

i dont undersatand what u want op

u dont want a house near your parents as your afriad of being alone

you dont want to live with dp in barracks

what do u want ulitmately

i doubt youre story as hes not a great partner as anyone would have put thatin their op and then we would have said well just leave him then

I am the perfect girlfriend ... I'm constantly told this!

This is the crux of the problem. You are boyfriend and girlfriend. with an added baby in the mix He wants to progress the relationship to a proper grown up one where you live together. You are happy to stay boyfriend and girlfriend rather than be a proper committed couple. This is fine until he gets fed up of it.

Which mature person wants to keep visiting his girlfriend and staying with her parents at weekends? That's a teenager thing. Things will need to move on at some point or you will split. Your choice.

Oh and if your relationship is stuck in w teenage phase then if course he is going to act like a teenager and see his mates to get out of the parents house. And of course the baby doesn't like him. She doesn't know him yet. But she's more likely to get to know her dad if her mum lives with him.

Odds on the op is too disgruntled by all the "yes YABU" comments and never returns......

its a bit more than YABU comments isnt it. Its been full on attacking her. Hardly surprising she hasnt come back

My ex was in the army and right from the start of our relationship he was away for long periods; we went on 2 dates and then I didn't see him for a month!

Presumably it's always been like this for you so what did you see happening in the long term?

He's not in the wrong for pursuing the army career and you're not in the wrong for wanting to live near family but this just screams that you are fundamentally not compatible?

My ex and I ended our relationship because I didn't want to move overseas when he was posted. It was really hard but the right decision.

Unfortunately I learnt that if you are with a military guy, their career ultimately will come first because of its lack of flexibility. You must accept that to keep the relationship going you will need lots of patience and compromise. It's not for everyone.

Not very supportive are you?

The problem is, OP, you've done this all arse about face. You decide you want a baby, with someone going into the military with all that entails, and so you have one, despite the fact that you feel you need to live with your parents to handle that. Then you start worrying about where you're going to live and raise this child. Can you not see how maybe this was the wrong way around? It's like putting your hand in the fire and then worrying about how to treat the burn. You don't seem to have recognised, at any point, that maybe you shouldn't have put your hand in the fire in the first place.

You've had a hard time here because, at the first sign of people disagreeing with you, you've started calling them bullies and cunts, whilst describing yourself as 'perfect'. Your partner has come up smelling of roses by comparison when actually, if you'd been a little bit more reasonable, people might have considered his role in creating this situation. You were perfectly aware of his plans for a military career and went ahead anyway - but he was also perfectly aware of your mobility issues, and doesn't seem to have considered how that would affect you raising a child when he's potentially going to be abroad for months at a time. You both put far too little thought into this.

What you have to decide now is whether you have a future as a couple. Expecting him to get married but for you to continue living with your parents isn't going to work. But if he really is a disinterested father who'd rather be out on the lash (something conveniently only revealed when the tide turned against you), why would you want to marry him anyway? Be honest with yourself. If he's really that bad, cut your losses and end it. If on the other hand you were exaggerating a little in frustration, ask yourself calmly how you're going to deal with a situation you can't change.

Army life does mean you get moved regulArly miles from your family, sometimes abroad. He has a point, you dont sound committed. Does he plan to stay in the army a long time. You are a grown up adult with a baby, how long do you plan to keep living at your parents. You are using your disability as an excuse. Do you want to be a family with him or your parents?

I really don't think the OP is coming back. She'll be reading, but not coming back.

This always happens when someone plainly being unreasonable and totally unrealistic gets told so. I doubt there is even the tiniest chance that she will be taking any of this on board and learning from it. Merely moving on, convinced of the nastiness of everyone on MN.

Some people struggle their whole lives with keeping their personal relationships, professional relationships and friendships harmonious and free of conflict. Mainly because they are pathologically incapable of seeing anyone else's POV in anything.

I suspect the OP is one such person. She will probably break up from this man eventually and spend the rest of her life marveling at how thoroughly unreasonable he was about the whole thing and wondering how she got so unlucky with men.

Theres nothing unreasonable about a woman not wanting to upsticks and move away from her support network to be with a man who will neither be there most of the time, nor pay her any attention when he is there ffs. This is even more so now she has a baby than before.

No it isn't unreasonable of her to not want to move however she just doesn't seem to get that its not unreasonable for him to want to progress the relatioship. She also doesn't get that these things should have been thought about before embarking on a baby. Nothing she has said acknowledges things from his point of view. If she had worded things differently, she would have got a more sympathetic response to what is an obvious dilemma.

She is within her right not to want to move but he is within his right to want further commitment from her. She seems to think he is being unreasonable to want that and doesn't want to compromise herself in any way. Fine that's her perogative, but the end result is likely to be they split up and the majority of us wouldn't blame him as we wouldn't want a relationship based in the in laws house either. That's not how grown up, mature relationships work - army or not.

I appreciate all the comments and opinions - I want you all to know that I'm not being a dick and not taking anything on board JUST because you're seeing it from a different point of view than mine. I'm not a child, I came on here for opinions - I've got them!
I'm not bitter towards anyone on here stating their opinion, genuinely! I'm bitter towards the nasty insults that are unnecessarily being thrown around.
I accept wholeheartedly that a man wants a place to call home, and since starting this discussion .. my partner has now given me an ultimatum as, getting somewhere local to me now is no longer an option & it now HAS to be married quarters or nothing (which will please a lot of you).
My reasoning for not wanting to live 2 hours away is not unreasonable I don't think.

Well it can't be married quarters when you're not married. When does he want you to get married?

Well according to himself - if you're planning on getting married and have a baby together, they'll consider you for married quarters if there are houses available!
It happened to a friend of his.