Not Wanting To Leave

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

[Tiggeryoubastard]

Most adults feel safe alone in a house, with or without a baby. You seem to think they don't. Do your parents indulge you in this thinking? Are they carrying you? Are they saying anything about you leaving? Nobody is demanding anything. Ok, maybe you're too scared to move away, but you wouldn't even live alone (for the week) nearby? That's not normal adult behaviour. And if you did love him surely you'd want to live with him. I repeat / poor bloke b

[Leggytadpole]

I've lived alone with my son since he was a baby and felt perfectly safe. As do many others I presume. What are you worried about? You can install a security system if it makes you feel safer.

[JayDot500]

Your partner is right. Given the fact that he was in the army for the majority of your relationship, this is naturally the next step.

You're not willing to make sacrifices, so I can see how he'd think you're less committed. You're not even willing to consider the alternative of getting your own place near family. He wants a home with you; do it now before it's no longer an option.

[Wineandrosesagain]

oops sorry for double post

[LittleBearPad]

I imagine your parents do enjoy living with their granddaughter.

I imagine her father would also like that opportunity.

[Mouthofmisery]

My husband works away mon - fri each week. I have 2 children. I feel safe. I live miles away from my family. I made a new network and have made lots of friends and more support. Now I can go back to my parents for a weekend and have a little holiday. You should try it! You may surprise yourself. It's a shame to be so insular when you are so young. Do you work?

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

I appreciate all your comments, the insults weren't necessary .. I just wanted other people's opinions on the matter at hand.
Now I see everyone taking his side, I still appreciate the input!

[Tiggeryoubastard]

And married quarter patches are safer than just about anywhere else.

[drivinmecrazy]

OP I don't think you are being childish wanting to continue living with your parents, I do however think you are incredibly selfish.
On another note regarding a potential move to married quarters, you may be suprised at the support you will get from within that community. You will make friends and find support.
Have you visited your DP's base? Have you explored the support you might get?

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

It's driving rather a large wedge between us as you can imagine.
Yes I'm stubborn, but I also won't be forced to live away from everyone I know, I'm sorry if you can't take that into consideration!
Yes, he's in the army.. yes I knew that from day one... but I won't be punished for his career choice.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

Punished? You really self absorbed, aren't you.

[Chinnygirl]

I think your partner wants to be a proper family and have his wife and daughter live with him. What are your thoughts on this? It does sound like tge most natural step for him. You could try to make new friends there.

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

Apparently so!

[redskytonight]

So how do you see your future life then?
Will you continue to live with your parents and just expect him to visit when he can? I can't see (and obviously neither can he) how your relationship will survive long term if that's the case.

Will you ever get to a point where you would be prepared to move out on your own/into married quarters?

[fruitatthebottom]

Could you compromise? Why won't you consider getting your own house close to your parents? Then if you really want to you can stay with them when your DH is away or your mum could come to yours? From his perspective it must be very tiresome having to come 'home' to his in laws.

[SpareASquare]

What woman would feel remotely safe in a house with just her and a baby?
Me. Newborn + 3 children. Why wouldn't I, a grown up, feel safe?

And I think you are resentful. You are immature and you are selfish.

[Leggytadpole]

So stay living at home then. How long do you see your relationship lasting with you living at your parents and not making a commitment to him?

[Sparklesilverglitter]

What woman would feel remotely safe in a house with just her and a baby umm really? that can't be for real. Me for one and probably a hell of a lot of People on mumsnet

I agree with your dp on this

[belle40]

Hi Army Mum. If you live on base / on the patch there is a huge sense of community. I was married to a military guy for a while and whilst it is tricky being on your own when your partner is away there are a huge number of groups and organised events and everyone else is in the same situation so they do understand. Moving reguarly and being alone ( or own your own with your baby) are part and parcel of military life. There is a lot of fun stuff too!! Good luck with your decision.

[Selfimproved]

I live alone most of the time with 2 babies and a 7 year old.
I'm sorry you are in pain and don't want to deal with that alone, but it's not the same as 'what woman would feel.safe living alone to nights a week'
Lock up at night. That's what the rest of us do.

[MGFM]

I am currently serving in the military, as is my husband. He will deploy next year for 8 months and we have two children. Feeling safe has never even entered my mind? Weird to think that for some reason loving part of the week alone would somehow be unsafe?

Anyway, if you were in a married quarter you wouldn't be along during the week as your husband would be there with you (you do have to be married to live in married quarters by the way) .

My next point is that you are not even considering this from his point of view. I think if you can't reach a compromise then you should end your relationship. It is wholly unfair on him. I can't even begin to explain to you how important it is to have a 'home' for those two days a week and leave periods. And it wouldn't be a waste of money as it would be an investment in property which is never a bad idea. Working in the military and then having no where to call home at the weekend is not a good position to he in.

We are fortunate that we are both based at the same place now. I have been offered a job in another part of the country and j have no as I couldn't do that to my husband. I couldn't force him to do the weekend commute as he couldn't cope only seeing his children at the weekends.

I probably am rambling on a bit here. Unless he is planning to leave the army as soon as his return of service is complete then I would end the relationship and you clearly don't love him enough to compromise. You knew in advance what job he was doing and should never have pursued the relationship. He could be working away for the next 20 years. Are you going to stay with your parents for ever? Everyone is taking his side as you are being very very unreasonable.

[Henrysmycat]

One word of advice, this place is for telling it how it is. If you came here to get support for something most of the commenters feel is unreasonable then, I'm afraid, its not gonna happen.
Many people 'sacrifice' their own comforts and friends to make sure their kids see their fathers. It's a common theme around here.
My kid's happiness will trump any friends or family or my personal comforts. Army quarters are safe and since most people are in the same situation friendships and support are in abundance.
I have a husband that worked overseas and I was left alone at a creaky old (you can say spooky) home with a toddler. I was fine.

[icingonthewall]

Why would having a man in the house make you feel safer?
Does he feel unsafe at home without you?
V odd...

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Anyone married to someone in the army knows they're likely to spend a lot of time alone. This won't be the first time your boyfriend will be away (not calling him DP, because there doesn't seem to any partnership going on)

He joined the army well before you had the baby. You knew the score. The time to decide a long-distance relationship was not for you was then.

Millions of women live alone with children. What's your problem?

If your health is too poor to care for your DD without family support that's another issue. I would feel very anxious if I couldn't look after my child. But, frankly, in your position I wouldn't have had a baby at all.

You sound very immature, and I am not surprised this man doubts your commitment. What commitment?

[ChimpyChops]

Was this not discussed before you had your child? Surely it came up due to the nature of his job. At his age, with a baby I would find it incredibly hard to come home to my in-laws every night and maybe he wants to actually start family life with just you and his daughter.

I was a navy wife and felt very safe as I was on a married patch, navy police close by and a great community with good friends nearby. I quite miss it.