Not Wanting To Leave

[ArmyMumToBabyGirl]

I will try and keep this long winded story as short as poss as to not bore everyone to death!
Me and my partner have known eachother for 11 years, been together for 2, he joined the army the second week we got together.
We have a 1 year old daughter too now.
I live with my parents (I'm 24 and have chronic back pain due to curvature of the spine from a car accident 5 years ago)!
My partner is now calling me "less committed" because I won't get married quarters with him, which is 2 hours away from my friends and family.
I also won't get a house around where I live, because I don't want to live by myself for 5 nights a week until he's back at the weekend - to pay bills and mortgage on a house that's slept in 2 nights a week.
He's informed me he has no plans to propose until we live together... so is calling me less committed because of this.

Can anyone understand my side?

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

if you loved him and had a good relationship and wanted to be with him then you would have no issue with moving to married quarters to be with him, he would presumably be home most evenings so you would not be on your own, and you would be in a community where you could forge a new life for yourself with new friends and support. it does however sound as if you don't actually want to be with him so probably best you end the relationship and stay with your mum and dad forever.

[JudyCoolibar]

So what is it that you want, OP? You want to be married to him, you don't want him to leave the army, you know that buying a house near where you live now isn't an option, you know that the norm in married life is for people to live together, not for one of them to live with their parents. It seems to me you have to accept that this relationship is going nowhere, or start to contemplate moving into married quarters if or when you are married, and explore what help there might be available to you through the army and social services.

What do your parents think about this? You have imposed quite a burden on them by deciding to have a baby in circumstances where you are dependent on them for help. Do they want to have to continue housing you and your child and looking after you indefinitely? What would happen if one or both of them became ill and unable to help?

[scaryteacher]

Being a Forces wife can seem scary, but it isn't really. My dh has retired now, but still travels extensively for work in his civilian job, so I am still on my tod at times. I've been doing this since 1986 when I was 20, and moved 3.5 hours away from home, and my Dad was then posted abroad, but I was a Forces daughter, so to me, it was the norm that Dad was away, and Mum dealt with everything at home.

I think you have to try it to see if you can cope. If you can't,then fair enough, but you have to give it a go for your dd.

[ijustdontknowanymore]

Sorry to focus on the really small stuff here, BUT you're not entitled to live in married quarters. You're not married. So if you were to live together wherever your partner is based, you would need to get married first. Do you see that happening?

[dybil]

I think there's a lot to be said for getting a rental property near your home. I appreciate you have had a very difficult few years but I think it would be good for you as an individual and good for the relationship if you have your own space, outside of the family home.

In pure practical terms it might seem like a waste of money because you could simply stay at home, but you are 24, a mother, and seem scared of the outside world. If you don't want to be in the same position when you're 30, or 40, then maybe now is the time to take the plunge.

Going into army accommodation, away from your support network, would be a huge step and might be make-or-break. A 6 month rental, near your folks, seems a more sensible first step - then you can decide if your next step is renewing for another 6-12 months, moving to the base, or moving back with your parents.

Do you think he would be happy with that, btw?

[TaterTots]

You say where you were going to live 'never came up'. How? This isn't whether you like Marmite or not, or what colour cushions you should buy. It's fundamental to your relationship. You've brought a new person into the world - did you put even the tiniest bit of thought into it first?

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

So you have to compromise.

You have reason to lack confidence about going into married quarters. Those fears may be unfounded, but they are not unreasonable in themselves, given your health issues.

But it is not fair or realistic to expect your partner to live like a single man with weekend visitation rights only, having to stay in your parents house in order to be with you and his own child, while you continue to live with your mum and dad.

Do you have younger siblings? Does your mum work? If not would you consider moving halfway between the two places and asking your mum to come and stay a couple of nights a week to help you out while your partner is away, and then have your weekends together in your own home, alone as a proper family? It would do you good to get used to spending some nights alone - it's really not as scary as you might think. So your week could be split pretty much equally between being with him, being with your mum and being alone.

Would you consider something like that? And then take steps to make some new friends with babies to spend your days with while he is working?

[InfinityTimesInfinity]

In my defense, I - rightly so, had A LOT of questions thrown at me and have tried to answer the relevant ones!
Yes I do love him, I always have.
My words 11 years ago to my friend at the time when I set eyes on him in the school lunch area were "I WILL marry that man"
And I was gobsmacked to find out he felt the same. We've kept in touch over the years & I'd very much love for it to work!

[nicebitofsodaandjam]

I think the OP was somewhat defensive and evasive in her early posts, but this is understandable, and she is now very much engaging with posters and being very open so it'd be nice if people stopped taking digs at her now.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

Right. Let's put what's been said behind us and try to help with no hard feelings.

Answer honestly. Accommodation issues aside, do you truly love this man and do you see yourself married to him and happy in the long term? Assuming you can get what you need/want in terms of having your friends and family around you, do you really want this to work?

[InfinityTimesInfinity]

You got me

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

Probably because she forgot to change back after starting a thread about how nasty women are on here.

I just knew that would be the same poster. I didn't say anything on the thread but i knew it as soon as I read it.

[DesolateWaist]

Two quotes from your posts OP

Yep. He's in the army, he chose that lifestyle.
Yep. I had his baby, I chose that lifestyle.
Am I still adamant that I'd like to live by family and friends? Yes I am.
Am I still adamant I shouldn't have to leave everyone I know for his job? Yes I am.
If it makes me selfish - then fuck it, I'm selfish.
In other words - I'll do whatever I like thanks

He has always chosen NOT to spend any time with her on the 2 days he is back on the weekend.
He'd rather go out with his mates, or do something HE can do, he has no interest in her.
She doesn't like him because he can sense he doesn't want to spend time with her!
He has no patience with her, he's on his phone more than he entertains her!
If me and my daughter aren't put as a priority - why on earth should I up and leave?!
In other words - he must do what I want too.

If he isn't interested in you, your relationship or your child and you refuse to live with him then I think you need to call it a day and end the relationship.

[InfinityTimesInfinity]

FYI - we've known eachother since school - we haven't been together since school.
He bombarded me for 10 years to get me to be with him... where he has always wanted to be together .. we just went our separate ways after school etc.
He wasn't railroaded into anything and there's been no "fairytale" anythings.
He wanted this just as much as I did!

[phillipp]

No I have no shame in having started that other topic ... wanted to see what people's responses were to that matter!

But you aren't going back to that thread?

[MagikarpetRide]

You are complaining now that he has issued you with an ultimatum but still fail to see that you have told him no to all other alternatives he's given but not provided your own except the status quo, which clearly he is unhappy with. Whilst I appreciate you have difficulties you have also thrown a lot of unnecessary barriers up wrt ever being able to achieve a compromise.

[DesolateWaist]

She's know since 13 that he was the man she was going to have children with. He's not too bothered with spending time with her or their child.
Yup, that is a perfectly normal healthy relationship.

Yes it's based on assumptions but it's also based on a couple of other relationships that I have known that we very similar.

[MistressMerryWeather]

Jesus, DesolateWaist that's an awful lot of stupid assumptions.

Railroaded my arse, he had just as much choice as any other man.

You're really reaching now.

[MistressMerryWeather]

Obviously you don't have a crystal ball but do you think you would feel better and more confident about moving out when your DD is older?

Say when she start nursery?

If that is the case it may be worth discussing with him. Maybe he just needs a plan in place so he knows which way his life is heading.

[DesolateWaist]

Having known eachother 11 years & always knowing we'd end up together, and having babies

You're 24, you've known him since you were 13 and 'always known you would end up having babies together'. No wonder he just wants to go out with his mates all he has ever known is you and your fairytale idea of the world. He sounds like he's been railroaded into the whole relationship.
Has he ever had other girlfriends?

Sorry but you are making me cross now. You put yourself though considerable pain and discomfort, not to mention that a pregnancy would no doubt have done damage to you simply because you've 'always known you would have babies with him.' A child is now in the middle of this just for your own selfish ends.

[InfinityTimesInfinity]

Have been seen by a pain clinic, have been swapped meds numerous times, been given cocktails of meds, physiotherapy, have suffered for years with anxiety & depression, the accident then made it worse feeling like an 80 year old in a (19 then) & now 24 year olds body, then PND which went unnoticed entirely .... Supposedly the next stage is surgery & 'am awaiting a consultation

[Screenburn]

Ok OP you've obviously thrown back a couple of insults in anger so do bear in mind that won't endear you to people.

BUT from your most recent post I can see why you're a bit apprehensive about leaving your parents' - if you've always had that helping hand then the idea of not having it must be a bit scary.

if you want things to work as a family though you are going to have to find other sources of support. Staying with your parents will mean that your DP has no relationship with his daughter, which I'm sure is not what any of you want.

Would it be possible for you to meet a few of the other wives in married quarters before you move there? There's usually a really strong sense of community and you might find there are loads of people that could help you out when you needed that bit of respite.

[InfinityTimesInfinity]

No I appreciate all aspects of what people are saying, you're within your rights to say we shouldn't have had a baby, of course that's your opinion .. yes my pregnancy was horrendous with pain & choosing not to take my painkillers during obviously, but, on that note - carrying around 18lb of weight extra daily is not that easy on my back either, hence again, the more help I can get the better.
Having known eachother 11 years & always knowing we'd end up together, and having babies - yes we may have rushed the decision but I wouldn't change it for the world now obviously - that goes without saying!
It's only 2 nights a week that he's back, and yes I can totally understand him not wanting to be at the in laws, it's a bit cramping of the style! But we spend one night at my parents, and the other at his - which he was quite content to do until recently.
I'm not slamming him for wanting a family home at all so please don't get the wrong idea! I'm in agreement it would be lovely to have our own place, but buying around here now has now become even less of an option as I'm being told forcefully that unless I move down to quarters - I'm not committed.

[TheFairyCaravan]

Do you have any treatment or medication for your back Infinity? Are you seen by a Pain Clinic at all?

[MistressMerryWeather]

Are not such hard work forever.

Freudian slip there. :o