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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've inherited a substantial amount of money, family haven't, help!

347 replies

OopsIdidagain · 14/09/2016 14:58

My great uncle (grandads brother) died in January. He has left me quite a lot of money.

GU had no children, but did have a will. He was very well off. His will left everything to my GDad (huge 9 bedroom house with 2 acres of garden, a 4 bed holiday home and a horse) apart from £300k which he left to me. It is of course is a huge amount of money.

I don't understand why he left it to me.

He moved away from us 10 years ago, when I was 16. He used to live in the next village to us. My mum and her two sisters would visit once a week each I'd often tag along with my mum. He was a lovely man, he'd always give me pocket money or sweets when I was younger.

When he moved, he moved to be closer to his sister who then moved to Australia 5 years ago. He never moved back. I would email him often, and when my daughter was born I'd Facetime him with her a few times a month.

The money will be a huge help. But I feel so sorry for my mum and her sisters - they're his nieces and got nothing. I also have 2 brothers, and 3 cousins who also have got nothing. I don't know whether it's because I'm the only girl in my generation.

Should I give some money to my brothers and cousins? Currently only me and my grandad know about the money, but when it comes out it could cause a huge argument and fall out. I'm close to my brothers and the girlfriend and children of one of my cousins, but I can't just single out one of my cousins can I?

I really would like to buy a house. Currently living in a small 2 bed flat with DH and DD and the cat the money will enable us to buy a lovely 3/4 bed house in a decent area closer to my GDad, which also happens to be near a really good primary school, with a bit left over for a holiday. DH has never been on holiday.

But I want to help the cousin who's girlfriend and children are my friends. They're getting married in 2018.

What the hell do I do? Keep all the money or share it?

OP posts:

Whatsername17 · 14/09/2016 15:21

I think your grandad, having inherited the bulk of the estate and being the patriarch of the family, ought to decide if he feels that he wants to give the rest of the family something from the estate. He left it to you because you meant something to him. It is wonderful and kind, but completely not your fault too, I'd buy your house and enjoy it.

Jellybean83 · 14/09/2016 15:22

I would probably give my two brothers some cash, I wouldn't split it 3 ways but I would give them something. Sorry to say but my cousins wouldn't get anything. That's just what I would do, if you keep the whole lot then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's your money.

phillipp · 14/09/2016 15:22

I was in the same situation. I shared it out.

Wether my grandfather wanted me to have it all or not, I felt it was unfair. So I received and shared it out.

Turned it from a life changing sum, to a decent but not life changing amount. I felt, in my situation, it was the right thing and never regretted it.

LemonBreeland · 14/09/2016 15:23

I think you should keep it. If you do decide to give something then a token amount would be fine. He wanted you to have it. I believe the wishes of the deceased should be honoured.

origamiwarrior · 14/09/2016 15:23

Also, he may have wanted his money to go to one person (lucky you!) as it is a life-changing amount, rather than giving a small amount to lots of people where it would have less of an impact. Buy that house!

Original poster

OopsIdidagain · 14/09/2016 15:24

My GDad is happy to be discreet and not tell anyone, he's also worried about the fallout but not from his inheritance just from mine.

My family know I'm saving for a house, so I could say I have a mortgage. The money would enable me to buy a house outright with about 20k left. I could forget the holiday and give my brothers and cousins £5k each I suppose.

GDad has sorted IT as the entire estate was way over the threshold he's paid my share (he's not badly off himself).

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 14/09/2016 15:24

I would buy a house, go on holiday and treat your relatives to something small, buy them a gift each.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/09/2016 15:25

ImperialBlether Yes there was rage all round and one of my sisters still doesn't speak to me. The thing is although logically everyone knew there was no reason why he'd leave them any money, I think it was the amount of money that he left that caused friction. In other words, they thought I should have shared it out more than I did, as after all we all grew up as siblings. It's been years now and I do think I'd have done things differently as it caused so much friction in the family.

RTKangaMummy · 14/09/2016 15:25

IMHO keep ALL the money and buy your house and have a lovely holiday

He obviously never had any contact with your siblings whereas you face timed him etc so you were part of his life

Don't tell anyone else IMHO

CrabbyJo · 14/09/2016 15:26

I received a lot of money in my grandfathers will as did two of my cousins, one of my sisters and an uncle. My mother and other sister did not. I felt awful for them and ending up giving them both so much out of guilt that the upshot was that I was left with the least amount. They weren't even remotely grateful and saw it as they should have been in the will in the first place. Biggest regret of my life. If I'd kept it for myself I'd have bought my own home yet here I am in a rented top floor flat.

gillybeanz · 14/09/2016 15:26

Your GDad can be discreet but anybody can read the contents of a will if they want to. Your relatives might do this anyway if they knew there was a substantial amount.
I hope it all goes well for you OP, but do be prepared for all sorts of family members to come and lay claim to some of it.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 14/09/2016 15:26

Split it equally between you and your family, it's only fair. Imagine if you found out they'd got it instead and secretly kept it for themselves? Think of the karma.

You're talking as if OP has stolen this money. She was bequethed it. If her GU had wanted the rest of the family to inherit, he knew what to do, didn't he?

She isn't compelled to share the news of her inheritance with anyone, particularly if they're likely to give her grief about it.

Eva50 · 14/09/2016 15:28

I think you should keep it. There are too many brothers and cousins to share with. If I were left money I would share with my sister but that's because there are only two of us. Buy your house.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 14/09/2016 15:29

Whatever you decide to do with it OP, can I suggest you don't do anything at all straight away? My advice to you is put it away in an account somewhere, put your house plans on the backburner for 1 more year, and come back to it in 12 months time.

For a start your mind will be clearer. Grief - no matter the relation or the circumstances - has an unseen impact on all of us, and you won't necessarily know what it's doing to you. So does the grief of those we love. I've seen it make many people over-generous, far more often than I've seen it make them mean.

Also the material circumstances may change in that time; your granddad will no doubt make decisions regarding his inherited estate which completely change the lie of the land for your relative. Give that a chance to go through it's motions, and if nothing changes, well then at least you'll know.

Overall I think he wanted you to have it, but you have to be yourself with it, and if that means sharing it out, fine. But don't to it right now. Give it a year. There's no rush. No-one had this money last year, if anyone's going to have it another year will only help you be sure you're doing the right thing for you, whatever that thing turns out to be.

Farmmummy · 14/09/2016 15:29

A slightly different perspective OP but my wee Nanny wasn't well off but have me 2k when I started uni (I now realise she knew she was ill and wasn't going to be around for long) saying she would rather give me my inheritance then and to use it for a car which she knew I needed and wanted not save it. She later willed (only a year unfortunately) my cousin £500 but I later found out she had told my DM she could do what gave her pleasure with her hard earned money and I was the granddaughter who spent time with her and talked to her all the time and it made her happy. Maybe your GU wanted to do this for you and it would make him happy to know you and Dd and DH had a home and we're happy and be slightly disrespectful to go against his will and share it

KarmaNoMore · 14/09/2016 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KC225 · 14/09/2016 15:29

Legoit - live with the guilt. You have got to be kidding. She is not guilty of anything but being a good great neice.

I say you should keep it. Buy a house, set your family up. It is clearly what your great uncle wished or else he would have left the money elsewhere or to charity. He left it to YOU.

You mention your cousin getting married, maybe you could offer to help - pay for the dresses, the venue, or drinks etc. Have a conversation with your GD. Find out what he plans to do with husband of the inheritance before you make an hasty decisions. When the interest rates go up and you are struggling to pay the mortgage that could have been paid off make sure you are not sitting there thinking if only .......

giantcar · 14/09/2016 15:29

Accept it and buy your house - think of it as a gift.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 14/09/2016 15:29

Biggest regret of my life. If I'd kept it for myself I'd have bought my own home yet here I am in a rented top floor flat.

. I was thinking as I read the first part of your post that my mum would never accept any money I acquired in those circumstances. She'd want me to buy a car, go on holiday etc.

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2016 15:30

Vladmirs, basically you're saying you wished you'd given in to the bullies. It's outrageous that they think they were due some of your inheritance. In your position I'd think if they had characters like that, they would've fallen out with you about something else.

OP, hold on to your money. Your GD is likely to give them something anyway and as others have said, unless it's equally split between all of them, they wouldn't be happy.

And why give someone who never visited your uncle anything anyway?

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 14/09/2016 15:30

I'd buy my house, go on a holiday but nothing luxurious, buy a very nice wedding gift for the engaged couple and gift the children/siblings or others a gift like a new macbook or electronic truck car thing. Something expensive but not going to break the bank.

KarmaNoMore · 14/09/2016 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SabineUndine · 14/09/2016 15:31

I would give, say, £10K each to the other 9 of you, and keep the rest. That's enough to make a positive difference to all of them, and you'd till (I'm guessing) be able to move to a bigger place.

Tartyflette · 14/09/2016 15:32

Once probate has been granted and/or the wills has been registered it becomes a public documents and your relatives could, if they are so minded, find out to whom your GU had left his money.

That said, there is little if anything they could do about it.
I'd buy a house and if there was any money left over, distribute it as you please.

sparechange · 14/09/2016 15:32

I would keep it, and leave it to your GD to sort out the the other relatives if he sees fit.

But do bear in mind that all UK wills are uploaded to the government probate website, and can be downloaded by anyone who wants to see them. So even with all the discretion in the world, the other relatives could find out the contents of the will within days of probate being granted

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