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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've inherited a substantial amount of money, family haven't, help!

347 replies

OopsIdidagain · 14/09/2016 14:58

My great uncle (grandads brother) died in January. He has left me quite a lot of money.

GU had no children, but did have a will. He was very well off. His will left everything to my GDad (huge 9 bedroom house with 2 acres of garden, a 4 bed holiday home and a horse) apart from £300k which he left to me. It is of course is a huge amount of money.

I don't understand why he left it to me.

He moved away from us 10 years ago, when I was 16. He used to live in the next village to us. My mum and her two sisters would visit once a week each I'd often tag along with my mum. He was a lovely man, he'd always give me pocket money or sweets when I was younger.

When he moved, he moved to be closer to his sister who then moved to Australia 5 years ago. He never moved back. I would email him often, and when my daughter was born I'd Facetime him with her a few times a month.

The money will be a huge help. But I feel so sorry for my mum and her sisters - they're his nieces and got nothing. I also have 2 brothers, and 3 cousins who also have got nothing. I don't know whether it's because I'm the only girl in my generation.

Should I give some money to my brothers and cousins? Currently only me and my grandad know about the money, but when it comes out it could cause a huge argument and fall out. I'm close to my brothers and the girlfriend and children of one of my cousins, but I can't just single out one of my cousins can I?

I really would like to buy a house. Currently living in a small 2 bed flat with DH and DD and the cat the money will enable us to buy a lovely 3/4 bed house in a decent area closer to my GDad, which also happens to be near a really good primary school, with a bit left over for a holiday. DH has never been on holiday.

But I want to help the cousin who's girlfriend and children are my friends. They're getting married in 2018.

What the hell do I do? Keep all the money or share it?

OP posts:

neonrainbow · 14/09/2016 15:12

Keep it. I also wonder if you're the only one that bothered with him. It sounds like you did go to quite a lot of effort too. Say yourselves up in a house and go on holiday.

newmumintown · 14/09/2016 15:12

Sounds like he wanted you to have it as you sound lovely! There are not many people around who make the effort to keep in touch and to genuinely care about other people, as you seem to. What a great, unexpected, gift he has given you in recognition of this. Sounds like you deserve it and should spend it however makes you happy - and if that includes helping out someone else you care about then go for it! Personally I'd buy the house, but then I'm probably not as nice as you

stripesstpots · 14/09/2016 15:12

If he wanted it shared out he would have done it. As long as he was sound of mind when he wrote the will I would keep it all for a great srltart for my kids.

stripesstpots · 14/09/2016 15:13

*start

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2016 15:13

OP, I think this is one of those situations where nobody will be happy unless you split it equally, so you don't get any more than them. And then your mum might ask why your cousins are getting something and your cousins might say they need it more than your mum.

This is a life-changing amount and I'd buy a house and have a fantastic holiday with it. It's a lot of money but split between umpteen relatives, it's no longer life-changing.

ShowMeTheElf · 14/09/2016 15:13

Your GD can redress the discrepancy if he feels he wants to, either from his generous inheritance from his brother or in his own will in due course.
Your GU wanted you to have this money, and the time is just right for you. Buy your house.

cockadoodledoooo · 14/09/2016 15:13

If no one else knows I would keep it!
If not give a small discretionary amount to aunts and mother. They will receive the estate to divide when your grandad passes, you haven't taken anything from anyone.

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2016 15:13

Also think about it - out of your cousins, who would give you a share?

Rosae · 14/09/2016 15:13

How much would it take for you to get a house? I would do that and then use any left over to get something for each. We've talked about what we'd do if we got a, very unlikely, windfall. We would make ourselves comfortable and then try to do something for family to do that for them too. Such as buy my sis a new bathroom, pay for his sister's drs exams etc.

Blackfellpony · 14/09/2016 15:14

Personally I would give a gift (5k perhaps) and then use the rest towards a house.

I would be more inclined to share with my own siblings than cousins but that's just me. At the end of the day the money was left to you so enjoy it!

emotionsecho · 14/09/2016 15:14

Sorry 'uncle's legacy' should read ^brother's legacy' but I'm sure you understood what I meant!

OnionKnight · 14/09/2016 15:14

Keep it, it's yours.

Original poster

OopsIdidagain · 14/09/2016 15:14

I'm not sure if my brothers and cousins spoke to GU after he moved away, its not something we ever talked about but that is possibly the answer yes.

I do feel bad, I know my grandad will likely sell the houses as he's happy living where he is and he already feels his own 3 bed house is too big for just him. He'll likely share the money out, but that will also include his sister in Australia and my late grandmas sisters and children (my GM was one of 9, but I only know of 5 still living but all 9 had children) so not sure exactly how far it will all stretch. So maybe if I helped sort my brothers and cousins out that'd be a help?

OP posts:

t4nut · 14/09/2016 15:15

I suspect its because you were a part of his life from when you were a child and continued to be so - perhaps the others didn't, perhaps he just thought of you fondly because you made an effort and made your daughter part of his life too.

He's done a nice thing for you - he's given you, specifically you, a chance to acquire a home to keep you and your family safe and secure. If he wanted the money to be shared that's what he would have done - you still can, but his wishes are for you.

Your granddad with his significant windfall might want to consider some redistribution, but I'd encourage you to spend that money on a home, enjoy it and remember him fondly for it.

PinkSnowAndStars · 14/09/2016 15:16

Is your grandad willing to be discreet about it? And what does your grandad suggest? Bearing in mind he's the only other one that knows?

officebairn · 14/09/2016 15:16

Split it equally between you and your family, it's only fair. Imagine if you found out they'd got it instead and secretly kept it for themselves? Think of the karma.

KickAssAngel · 14/09/2016 15:16

There's a limit on how much money you can gift a person without them having to declare it for tax. Which is fine, they just have to pay tax on it, but find out what the limits are and how the tax works (it could then be on the whole amount and actually lower how much they get). Don't forget that you'll also have to declare this - not sure how inheritance tax works but find out. You may not be getting as much as you think.

Then - yep, he willed it to you. He wanted you to have it. It would be illegal for the executors to change the will, so do you want to go against the spirit of his intentions?

Also - once you've bought a house, will it leave you better off? The running costs would be higher, but presumably you currently have rent/mortgage to pay atm. Could you use some of that extra money to be generous with gifts, particularly as people get married & have kids?

You don't have to tell people what you inherited, although a brand new house is a bit of a clue.

t4nut · 14/09/2016 15:17

Afterthought.

If he'd given you that money whilst he was alive and said to you he wanted you to buy a home for you and your family would you feel the same guilt?

Its his gift to you - accept it graciously.

MissKatieVictoria · 14/09/2016 15:17

Honestly it's lose lose whatever you do.
Keep it all and they find out, they think you're selfish/greedy, but if you split it, they're all going to want equal share, and nothing less than that will appease them and you'll still be the "selfish, greedy" bad guy!.
He left it all to you for a reason. He could have shared it out equally, or he could have shared different portions as he saw fit, but his choice, was for you to have it all.
Giving yourself the secuirty of owning your own home, in a nice area with good schools and close to your grandad sounds like a great way to invest the money.
But please remember, you do not have to apologise to anyone that you were left the money and they weren't. Don't be bullied into feeling like a bad person for putting yourself, your child and ultimately your family unit first.

VeryPunny · 14/09/2016 15:18

I wouldn't give anyone else a bean, and would feel no guilt whatsoever about doing so.

IceBeing · 14/09/2016 15:18

I would talk to your DGD about it too. If he is immediately going to release some money to your DM and Aunts then this changes the picture. You could certainly formally refuse your share of that (if it happens) which would ease things all round. Otherwise I think it depends on whether you think there is a plausible reason you have been singled out.

andintothefire · 14/09/2016 15:20

I think that if he left you the money because you were the only one who kept in touch then you should not feel in any way guilty. It is your money, he wanted you to have it, and if you choose to help out one of your cousins or other close members of family that is up to you.

It is perhaps different if you think there was no reason for the money to be left to you rather than shared equally. In that situation, personally I probably would share at least some of it out (though not necessarily all of it equally). But there is still no obligation on you to do that, and you would only be doing it to keep the peace.

So I think it is really up to you. Only you know what the dynamic is in your family, and only you know how important it is to you to stay on good terms with particular people. However most people don't expect to inherit anything from their uncles or great-uncles (unlike their parents) and I think you might be surprised at how little upset it causes, at least with the people who really care about you.

Without meaning to be insensitive, it is also not as though the main part of the estate has passed outside the family - presumably the others will all be in line to inherit it from your grandfather at some point. If your grandfather doesn't need the money, then I think it would make most sense for him to pass that along now (not least because of inheritance tax issues).

clippityclop · 14/09/2016 15:20

It's his choice, nothing to do with you. Giving it to the others would be against his wishes. Choose your home wisely and enjoy it.

origamiwarrior · 14/09/2016 15:21

Be aware that unless you share ALL of the money equally between all six/nine (or whatever) of you, someone is bound to feel slighted that they haven't had as much as you and there will be family tension, i.e. you can't give a token £5K to each of them. You're truly better off keeping schtumm (assuming your Grandad will too).

If your GUncle had wanted some of his money to go to your cousins/brothers/sisters/aunts etc, he would have made provision in his will for it. He wanted you to have it all, so you should respect his wishes.

ToohotforaSeptday · 14/09/2016 15:21

It will cause tension even if you try to share the money I imagine. Can you keep it secret?

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