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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've inherited a substantial amount of money, family haven't, help!

347 replies

OopsIdidagain · 14/09/2016 14:58

My great uncle (grandads brother) died in January. He has left me quite a lot of money.

GU had no children, but did have a will. He was very well off. His will left everything to my GDad (huge 9 bedroom house with 2 acres of garden, a 4 bed holiday home and a horse) apart from £300k which he left to me. It is of course is a huge amount of money.

I don't understand why he left it to me.

He moved away from us 10 years ago, when I was 16. He used to live in the next village to us. My mum and her two sisters would visit once a week each I'd often tag along with my mum. He was a lovely man, he'd always give me pocket money or sweets when I was younger.

When he moved, he moved to be closer to his sister who then moved to Australia 5 years ago. He never moved back. I would email him often, and when my daughter was born I'd Facetime him with her a few times a month.

The money will be a huge help. But I feel so sorry for my mum and her sisters - they're his nieces and got nothing. I also have 2 brothers, and 3 cousins who also have got nothing. I don't know whether it's because I'm the only girl in my generation.

Should I give some money to my brothers and cousins? Currently only me and my grandad know about the money, but when it comes out it could cause a huge argument and fall out. I'm close to my brothers and the girlfriend and children of one of my cousins, but I can't just single out one of my cousins can I?

I really would like to buy a house. Currently living in a small 2 bed flat with DH and DD and the cat the money will enable us to buy a lovely 3/4 bed house in a decent area closer to my GDad, which also happens to be near a really good primary school, with a bit left over for a holiday. DH has never been on holiday.

But I want to help the cousin who's girlfriend and children are my friends. They're getting married in 2018.

What the hell do I do? Keep all the money or share it?

OP posts:
Uricon · 14/09/2016 16:07

Unfair things can happen with inheritance, but this certainly doesn't sound like the situation here. You had a good relationship and stayed in touch with him. With his resources, he would have had good legal help in carving up his estate in whatever way he chose and because he did it this way it is reasonable to assume these are his true wishes.

As others have said, if you start to share it out, you will not please everyone and in this situation, I wouldn't even try.

Mistletoekids · 14/09/2016 16:07

Keep it. It's his gift to you. Talk to your GD about it, surely if others need money now he is in best position to help as he's winding down rather than starting up his life

I wouldn't try and keep it a secret though. These things have a way of coming out, and the upset will be big If family feel there has been some collusion against them

Tell them openly and honestly and they should be pleased for you

If theyre not then even more reason not to feel guilty about it!!

softboiledeggs · 14/09/2016 16:08

Say you've won £250,000.00 on a scratch card and buy a house

RTKangaMummy · 14/09/2016 16:08

Please buy the house outright and have a holiday then buy premium bonds with the rest

Then if you have a large win then share the win with them but please please spend all 300 on a mortgage FREE house and follow your GU wishes

Andro · 14/09/2016 16:09

Buy your house, your GU wanted you to have the money and you clearly meant a lot to him. Just make a policy of not discussing finances with your parents/siblings/etc - much like politics and religion it just causes too much strife.

Lolly86 · 14/09/2016 16:10

Buy your house and have your holiday. Chances like this don't come around often. Embrace it

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 14/09/2016 16:11

To this day, nearly a decade on, my father makes comments about how nobody has ever helped them out with money so they'll not be leaving anything to anyone hmm

Is there a particular reason you haven't told him?

softboiledeggs · 14/09/2016 16:11

Only sort of a joke about the scratch card...If my siblings inherited money from an Uncle etc I would be happy for them and be glad to see them own their own home with it...although it is a lot of money it isn't really when you consider how much houses cost. Buy the house and then you have something solid to pass on when you are ready to your DC etc

Lambzig · 14/09/2016 16:12

For heavens sake keep it. It can really improve your children's future. If he had left it to your DC would you be insisting they hand it over. Stop feeling guilty.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/09/2016 16:13

Why would you disregard someone's wishes?

And if he had not left you anything would you be creating drama?

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 14/09/2016 16:14

I know when we were looking at mortgages the least we could get a mortgage for was about £40k but that was on a very low valued property, so was probably linked to that.

If they want you to take out a slightly larger mortgage you can always keep some in savings to pay off the first few years easily, or put it towards house improvements.

seven201 · 14/09/2016 16:15

It does sound like you were probably the only one to stay in touch. I think you should buy yourself a house and try and keep
It quiet!

MitzyLeFrouf · 14/09/2016 16:16

How do people buy a house and keep it quiet?

Hockeydude · 14/09/2016 16:19

He wanted you to have this money. I bet he wanted you to buy a house with it for your family. Keep it all, get the house. A paid for roof over your head that if it's mortgage free, you can't lose it. Coupled with a good school place for your child, this is a major life changing opportunity for you and you should grab it and not feel guilty. You deserve it, it's exactly what was intended.

I wouldn't worry about the generation above you (your mum and her siblings) because the major expenses in life are generally when you are bringing up your family. This for you is now. They are done with it.

You could end up in a right pickle if you start dishing it out. How would you feel if one of your family members spent a big chunk of the money on something like a flashy car for example? You won't have any say over how it's spent if you give it away.

It might be different if you already owned your own house but you do not and this must be your top priority. I wouldn't "blow" a single penny of it. a family holiday is a good idea but then I would save anything I could because houses always want repairing, new stuff etc.

WigelsPigels · 14/09/2016 16:21

No keep it all. You made an effort and this is his way of showing his appreciation. Buy your lovely house and treat DP to a holiday.

BruceBogtrotter101 · 14/09/2016 16:21

You did a lovely thing by keeping in touch often and giving him the opportunity to be a part of your DD's life. People underestimate how much this means to people, especially the elderly. He probably also knew that you would have visited him if he had still been living in the UK.

Don't feel guilty. Keep the money and buy the house you want to live in. He probably realised what a bit deal the money would be for you.

You don't have to tell anyone, and if anyone asks how you have afforded the house tell them you have been saving or had a lottery win.

Best of luck with the new home buying.

BruceBogtrotter101 · 14/09/2016 16:22

big deal not 'bit' - sorry

RepentAtLeisure · 14/09/2016 16:22

It's your money. There is no 'karma' involved. For what it's worth, I intend to put only one of my nephews in my will, and for good reason. If he decided to share the money with his siblings - well, it would be his choice really, but it wouldn't be what I intended.

Once people know there is money they will want to see the will, and a £5,000 gift will quickly feel like nothing when they find out what you got. These things can make people irrationally angry.

How do people buy a house and keep it quiet?

Say she got a mortgage? Not many people would turn detective and look into it.

kath6144 · 14/09/2016 16:22

Please don't feel you need to share it, it was given to you as per your GU wishes. However, I do understand your guilt to some extent

A cousin of mine died 18mths ago – he was a bachelor who always lived at home. It turned out he had over £1million.

He split it between cousins’ DC – 20% to one on his mums side, 10% each to 8 on his dads side (including both my DC) BUT left out just one guy on his dad’s side.

This guy’s mum (my cousin) was and still is very upset – especially as she saw the deceased cousin regularly, one of the few cousins to do so. I live away so hardly ever saw him, though my mum did. My cousin blames herself, racking her brain for something she said or did that upset him.

I am sure it wasn’t anything to do with her but no one will ever know.

The guy left out made the decision not to try and contest the will - not sure if he would have been successful, but as a solicitor himself he knew it would hold things up and take money from the estate. He is already wealthier than any of the other beneficiaries and he wanted the money to go to those that really need it, not on lawyer’s fees. My own DC, still teenagers, will benefit hugely from their share when they are ready to buy houses.

I do feel awful for my cousin, she is lovely and I do feel some 'guilt' but the deceased cousin obviously had his reasons, whatever they were – just as your GU had his.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 14/09/2016 16:23

What seems like an 'unfair' inheritance can open a hornet's nest. If your siblings had inherited this instead would they share it with you? Is it even fair to ask that question? Does GD have a loose tongue and be likely to tell all and cause ill feeling? When he passes away I guess he'll make a will and maybe leave things to others who maybe lost out this time. This money was left to you to make things better - would any guilt about that make you unhappy? I like to think I'd share in your situation BUT I'm not you.

trappedinsuburbia · 14/09/2016 16:24

I think your uncle wanted to help you and if that means buying a decent house which will give you stability for the rest of you and your daughters life then you should do it. If he intended his money to be shared around then he would have done so. You will likely never have this great opportunity again.
I would just say the house you buy is mortgaged (which everyone will presume it is anyway) and let your grandad sort everyone out with his will.
As someone said upthread, your closest family now is your dh and your dd and you need to do what is best for them first.

mrsvilliers · 14/09/2016 16:24

Definitely keep it OP. Sharing it out will just create more problems. If anyone asks about the house you could say that GU left you a surprise gift that meant you could put down a deposit on the house and get a mortgage. They don't need to know how much and you are not lying.

TheEmmaDilemma · 14/09/2016 16:25

Keep it. I agree, it sounds like you were the one who made the effort to stay in touch and make him a part of your life. For that he was appreciative and has shown his appreciation.

He wanted you to enjoy this money and change your life with it. Do as he wished with no guilt.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/09/2016 16:27

My mum was in this situation when younger (her and GF got £100K from her great uncle who was my GF's brother).

My GF wasn't happy as she also got left most of the family antiques (worth a bit) and he wasn't left GU's home which was a cottage in Cornwall.

My brother and I were also looked after via a sort of inheritance fund which matured when we were 25 (£50K).

The other 2 sisters (mum's half sisters) from GF's 2nd marriage got nothing or token amounts. Nothing was said but there was resentment.

I did find out that one sister had written when 11 and staying in Cornwall on holiday that she hated it there and her uncle and aunt Confused and this letter got found but the aunt (who since died before uncle). also great uncle and his brother weren't that close.

My mum was close to her GU - nursing him during his dying days (cancer) and also visited him and wrote to him which I understand his brother (my GF) rarely did. Uncle was also worried that GF would squander the money or sell the antiques but left him same amount as my mum). GU also visited my mum when we were kids, stayed and saw how we living (not poverty but certainly house had no central heating etc).

don't share it if I were you.

RepentAtLeisure · 14/09/2016 16:27

But I want to help the cousin who's girlfriend and children are my friends. They're getting married in 2018.

Help them, but without making a song and dance. A cheque on their wedding day of maybe double what you'd have given before but nothing crazy, you could take charge of her hen do and meet the costs, generous Christmas presents etc. When you go out for lunch, get the cheque, etc. We all know how costs mount up. You can find lots of ways to treat them without telling them about your windfall.