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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've inherited a substantial amount of money, family haven't, help!

347 replies

OopsIdidagain · 14/09/2016 14:58

My great uncle (grandads brother) died in January. He has left me quite a lot of money.

GU had no children, but did have a will. He was very well off. His will left everything to my GDad (huge 9 bedroom house with 2 acres of garden, a 4 bed holiday home and a horse) apart from £300k which he left to me. It is of course is a huge amount of money.

I don't understand why he left it to me.

He moved away from us 10 years ago, when I was 16. He used to live in the next village to us. My mum and her two sisters would visit once a week each I'd often tag along with my mum. He was a lovely man, he'd always give me pocket money or sweets when I was younger.

When he moved, he moved to be closer to his sister who then moved to Australia 5 years ago. He never moved back. I would email him often, and when my daughter was born I'd Facetime him with her a few times a month.

The money will be a huge help. But I feel so sorry for my mum and her sisters - they're his nieces and got nothing. I also have 2 brothers, and 3 cousins who also have got nothing. I don't know whether it's because I'm the only girl in my generation.

Should I give some money to my brothers and cousins? Currently only me and my grandad know about the money, but when it comes out it could cause a huge argument and fall out. I'm close to my brothers and the girlfriend and children of one of my cousins, but I can't just single out one of my cousins can I?

I really would like to buy a house. Currently living in a small 2 bed flat with DH and DD and the cat the money will enable us to buy a lovely 3/4 bed house in a decent area closer to my GDad, which also happens to be near a really good primary school, with a bit left over for a holiday. DH has never been on holiday.

But I want to help the cousin who's girlfriend and children are my friends. They're getting married in 2018.

What the hell do I do? Keep all the money or share it?

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 14/09/2016 18:45

Vladmirs I am appalled on your behalf. You lost your father. The inheritance was from a father to his child. Yet siblings, whose own father remained alive, and who had little or no relationship with your late father, and consequently no grief either, were angry that this man they did not know, and who owed them nothing, didn't give them any money? And they were angry with their older sister because, because she had lost her father, she had some money they didn't?

How bloody dare they. And I am so sorry for the loss of your father, and the total absence of sympathy and solidarity in that situation from your greedy shits of siblings.

OP, it was his money to leave, and he left it to you because you were a loving and thoughtful great-niece. The rest, it seems, didn't really bother with him. If your grandfather is willing to be discreet then I'd go along with that - apart from anything else, he will probably leave his own estate split equally and the bulk of your great-uncle's is included in it. So the relatives will get something from it eventually anyway in due course, surely?

QueenLizIII · 14/09/2016 18:47

What is it with these threads? Someone with no posting history is left a load of money by a distant relative and should they share it?

They last one was uncle left her to choose the bigger house or the little house and her sister was pissed off about it

BoffinMum · 14/09/2016 18:48

Normally I would suggest sharing it but it sounds to me like you are the daughter he wished he had had. So I would keep it and invest for your future.

sleeponeday · 14/09/2016 18:48

And for the record, when a great-aunt of mine died, she left all her money to one cousin. There are 8 of us in total. I never even considered whether that was fair or not before now - it was her money, nobody else's, and while I did wistfully think how nice it would have been to be that cousin it never crossed my mind to be aggrieved. Good on the cousin who got the windfall, end of story.

TattyCat · 14/09/2016 18:50

Don't underestimate the impact your contact with GU had on him. If you were the only 'young' person who bothered with him then it really would have meant the world to him. Days can be very long and very lonely for old folk and you obviously gave him much joy in his final years.

Only you know whether or not he would have been happy for you to share it. I suspect not, otherwise he wouldn't have left others out of the will. If you don't carry out his wishes, you're effectively saying he was wrong. He wasn't; he was doing the right thing for him by doing the right thing by you. In his view, you deserve it.

If I was in his shoes, I'd be offended from above if my decision was deemed to be a bad one. I think it's very nice of you, but folly to change his decision.

OVienna · 14/09/2016 18:50

The trouble with sharing it, is what amount is 'enough'. The only way it would seem 'fair' to some people is an equal split. I don't think that is fair to the OP and it wasn't what the GU intended.

I will note that I would likely feel completely differently OP if this were one of your parents and they had cut out your siblings and left the lot to you (w/o a good reason that THEY THEMSELVES had explained to the other parties prior.) This is a great uncle who had no children. None of you are 'entitled' to his estate - I know, know no one ever is but in this case without any dependents (grown or otherwise) it really is his choice and he did what he felt he wanted.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/09/2016 18:51

Share it . This happened to me, I was left out of a will and it was shit. Doesn't have to be an equal split but give them something at least. Regardless of the relatives wishes it's now yours to do with what you will.

I actually could not bring myself to share my inheritance with family members who ignored my aunt for 15 years and who would not even have known she had died had I not told them.

mummypeepee · 14/09/2016 18:54

I'd keep it. GD has inherited a fortune which will filter down to the rest of the family in due time. Maybe give £1000 each to relatives as a gesture but it's your money. Buy your house have your holiday. Enjoy! GU was obviously touched you kept in contact.

alltouchedout · 14/09/2016 18:58

I'd share it. I wouldn't want to be rich through inheritance and my brother not be. My parents likely wouldn't take it if I offered cash but I'd damn sure do something for them. Up to you what you do op and every family is different but I'd never want to keep it all to myself and not share it. I'd get very little joy from that.

FamousGBBOGoOnAnAdventure · 14/09/2016 18:59

Buy a house and have a brilliant holiday - it sounds like he has recognised that you were the only one to bother with him.

BabarityOfRoses · 14/09/2016 18:59

I'd be discreet about it, buy a house and tuck a bit away for a really good wedding present.

Maybe keep a wee bit in reserve for a "family emergencies fund" that you will help the wider family out with if anything unexpected happens, maybe 10k or 15k. that way others benefit from a safety net from your windfall too.

SueTrinder · 14/09/2016 19:01

My childless great aunt did something similar, except it was to my two cousins (this was somewhat engineered by my aunt). My siblings and I inherited nothing and I assume the rest of the second cousins also didn't inherit (they had less contact with GA than we did). All of us had lived close to our great aunt for most of our lives and kept in touch. It's not what I'd do with my money (my will splits things evenly) but I don't hold it against my aunt or indeed my cousins. Obviously it would be nice to have inherited the money but my relationship with the people who did inherit is more important than the money.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/09/2016 19:01

The trouble with sharing it, is what amount is 'enough'

I completely agree - and sadly, in all too many cases nothing is ever enough Sad

Nor would I necessarily spend time wondering what "they" would do in the same position. Sometimes, especially where money's concerned, folk have a lot to say about what they'd do in theory, and sometimes it's not matched by action if it actually comes to a crunch ...

SouthWestmom · 14/09/2016 19:04

So if your cousin wins 5000 on the lottery they have to share it? Or £500? £50?

Why on earth should your family be privy to your financial planning and income?

The guy left you some money and it's not millions. It will give you security.

Original poster
OopsIdidagain · 14/09/2016 19:05

Sorry for delayed response had to go out.

DH has the attitude to "tell no lies, but don't boast" so basically if someone asks how we got the money for the house then to say GU left us a sum of money, but not to go announcing it. He's also happy to sign a document to say if we break up then i can live in the house until DD or our youngest child (undecided if we want more yet) is 18 years old and then when the house is sold I get my inheritance minus £5k (he inherited from his GM a few years ago and we used it to buy a decent car) so I'd still get the majority of my money.

I think my brothers would probably give me something, but not split it equally, they'd only help me out. Cousin who I'm friends with would likely share with his brother, but give a bit to me. The other cousin doesn't speak to any of us so would likely keep it all for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
OopsIdidagain · 14/09/2016 19:10

I can't keep it for year as DD is almost 2 now (20months) and I need to be living in the house 6 months to get a place in the school, applications will be just after her 3rd birthday I think, and I'd want to be settled etc. before applying. It has other benefits in being not only closer to my GDad but to my In Laws as well, so I could always say that was a reason for moving too.

Not particularly close to my mum but not distant either, we speak once a fortnight or so just general chat nothing really personal.

My GDad could of gifted the money instead of my GU I suppose, but not sure how likely that is.

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 14/09/2016 19:16

I'd think of it this way - if you are upfront about it, the people who are likely to badger you for money and then stop speaking to you now (because one always follows the other) will be the same ones who will do that if they find out in future - if that makes sense?

If your relatives are decent people they won't be angry with you for not announcing your inheritance/not sharing it.

Just enjoy it, and expect people to mind their own business. You can find ways to treat your loved ones without handing over large amounts in cheques. You'll just gain a reputation for being generous!

BaggyCheeks · 14/09/2016 19:19

I think your DH sounds sensible. You're only responsible for you, your DH and your DD. If you can help your brothers, then great, but not to the detriment of your own family.
Again - you've received this from a man who thought very highly of you, and will have cared a great deal for you and your DD. If he wanted it to go to anyone else, he would have made sure it did.

FrancisCrawford · 14/09/2016 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YawningKasm · 14/09/2016 19:26

What the hell do I do? Keep all the money or share it?

If it were me, I'd share it. I've seen the sadness caused by close relatives being overlooked in wills.

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 14/09/2016 19:26

Definitely keep and buy your house... Now!!!

Nan0second · 14/09/2016 19:26

Keep it. Buy a house.
Don't discuss it with the others. They'll assume you have a mortgage. As soon as you start giving bits away, the rowing will start about how much...

Princecharlesfirstwife · 14/09/2016 19:28

I'd be on Rightmove this very second if it were me. No guilt.

NameChange30 · 14/09/2016 19:32

I haven't read the whole thread but I've read your posts, OP.

You sound lovely, very thoughtful and generous, and I think you deserve this gift. You made an effort to stay in touch with your great-uncle, and this is his way of thanking you and acknowledging the relationship you had. Please don't feel guilty or feel that you are morally obligated to share out the money.

The thing is, if you tell your family that your great/uncle left you the money, they might feel upset, jealous and resentful. I am usually in favour of honesty but in this case I'm not sure. If it's likely to cause drama I would be tempted to tell a white lie and say you had a lottery win or something.

Although £300k is a lot to you, it's probably a small proportion of the total estate. Given that your GF inherited most of it, and is well off himself, he can share the majority of the family wealth equally (between his children and also his grandchildren if he chooses). If he is planning to distribute the money sooner rather than later, you could ask him include a secret gift from you in the amounts he gives to the others, but I don't think you need to do that and I don't think you should tbh.

If you want to help out your brothers, you could give them some money, but think carefully about whether you tell them it was from the inheritance. You could also give your mum some money but only if she needs it. And this might sound harsh but you don't owe your cousins anything. If the one you're close to is the same one who's getting married, you could give a generous cheque as a wedding present, but I don't think you need to do anything else.

My advice would be different if the circumstances were different, but this is a great uncle who has left you a relatively small proportion of his estate, not a parent who's left everything to you and disinherited your siblings!

NameChange30 · 14/09/2016 19:33

PS BUY A HOUSE! Obviously! Imagine how amazing it would be to have no rent or mortgage to pay. Once you've bought it, then you can think about sharing any money you have left or just booking a lovely holiday.

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