Not wanting children... How did you know for sure

[Labyrinthian]

Background - mid 30s. Together 15 years. Lots of nieces and nephews, friends with children. Play a team sport where we regularly mind/ watch/ chat to all ages of children.

For years we put aside idea of kids - when we get married, when we move country, when we buy a house then we will think about it. But...

Reality is I've never ever been broody. No interest at all. I enquire about my friends kids, appear v interested, but honestly I don't have a real interest in having my own. (I should say kids seem to love me, even babies, unknown why, but even stroppy teenagers like me).

He is worse than me, really no interest at all. Has a huge moan every time one of our friends gets pregnant and always assumesits an accident! Basically mindset of 17 year old (oh and he's great, I'm just being honest about this side of him).

So as far as I see it we are not good candidates for parenthood, but society says otherwise. So does my family.

I feel like we are at decision age. I don't like the risk that either of us would be bitter if we had kids, and I don't mind ignoring the mainstream view of society...

But has anyone felt they really missed put and regret it later in life? Or was anyone like us but then has a surprise pregnancy that changed everything?

I will be inheriting a business and property and feel guilty that I am being given this, but would not have a family to pass it to (as I know how my parents would like me to have kids)

Oliver, that's an awful attitude from your friend.

I don't think any of the childfree people on this thread would say that if somebody wants children, and has them, their life is over in any way, shape or form. I've seen the need some of my friends / relations had to become parents & how happy it's made them.

But I would say, for me personally, that life as a parent would be unthinkable & unbearable.

oliver- echos my experience too.

I found myself "dumped" by many of my childless friends when I had a baby.
I was breastfeeding so evening social events were impossible. Well meaning friends bought me formula, a breast pump, so I could find ways to " get over" the fact that I had a baby. I turned down spontaneous trips to Amsterdam, and " insisted" that my baby came to lunch with me. Which didn't do down well.
They didn't get it.

My experience is that it tends to be a bit of dumping by both parents and non parents.

pangalact- yes a parting of ways.

New parents do tend to gravitate towards each other for a variety of reasons, support, sharing of experiences, needing to learn and cope.

Old non parent friends tend not to understand in my experience. OK a week or two of trauma, but hey, they had puppies, so they have been through that. Being let down at the last minute by their old friends , refusals of invitations, cutting phone calls short.
Having a baby is a paradigm shift.

Shocked by so called friends dumping you for this!

I hope you all find your tribes...mine has childed, children, childfree and we all take care of each other. I'll grant you I don't go to kiddy parties but all the little ones know Auntie Lorelei won't do that but will see them for more quality time.

My mum was a bit shocked by that - she thought my mates would take offence but they know me well! - but I think it's good the kids grow up knowing all grown ups are different IYSWIM. And I will go with them to the park etc it's just the whole class party thing I can't cope with.

Sheesh, packing in your mates because they had a baby. There are some shit people out there.

I've come home tonight from an interesting evening of cocktails.

A work colleague has posted umpteen photos of her (quite ugly) child on a day out which frankly has made me unfollow her on FB.

Someone else posted a pic of her elderly dog she had to have put to sleep today. Cue,tears, never even met the dog. Yeah, I made the right decision.

One reason I don't have Facebook...

I'm a bit surprised that no-one has picked up on bangingmyheadoffabrickwall's comment :

"I have met people who were adamant they did not want children. They were given the speeches of "you'll regret it" and they always replied "we won't". Many are adamant they won't regret it but life has a funny way of changing our perspectives, our ideals and NOT ONE PERSON can 100% say they are adamant they do not want children."

I can. 100%. 1000%.

Oh I just ignored that because it was so cray cray.

When my boss went off on her third maternity leave I was thinking "Oh God, why would you?" but I wouldn't have dreamed of saying it because she was clearly happy.

Exactly this. When a friend/relative has told me they are pregnant, I've never responded with: 'are you off your fucking noggin? You spend your time moaning about how hard work the child you've got and how bloody awful childbirth is which I've feigned interest in twice already and now you're signing up for more of the same ?????? You've taken leave of your senses!'

But then I've had plenty of breeders comment on our reproductive choices and ask 'when' not 'if' we'll be having children. How much we're missing out on and how we'll regret it.

The stories of being dumped by childless friends are horrible.

Just to give perspective from the "other side" though, ive also been in quite uncomfortable situations with groups of friends all sharing stories about motherhood and agreeing that childless friends just dont understand it all and how ridiculous it is to be asked to go to cinema etc. And no matter how pleased I am when friends tell me they are pregnant, I also feel a sense of personal loss too, that our friendship is almost definitely going to change, become less important to them, conversations inevitably altered because they have to always keep half their mind on their baby/toddler, perspective on life shifted in a way that mine hasn't. Some friends have felt (and still do) feel like family to me, but when their baby comes along they have an actual family that inevitably takes precedence...it's great for them, but sometimes not so much for me, on a purely selfish level. I would never dream of "dumping" anyone though.

Cinnamoncookie: I'm a bit surprised that no-one has picked up on bangingmyheadoffabrickwall's comment :

"NOT ONE PERSON can 100% say they are adamant they do not want children."

Yes I see what you mean, Cookie. I think I was banging my own head off a brick wall at that point.

I can say "NO CHILDREN EVER" just as firmly as you can.

plenty of breeders

Such a derogatory term.

Have lots of childless friends (v happy and sensible people!) - all past breeding age - all have great lives and no regrets - whereas me .....(obviously really love my DCs - but honestly wouldn't if I knew then what I know now ... I think!)

plenty of breeders

Such a derogatory term.

You're ignoring the rest of the post.

Dylan has manners & can congratulate people on having babies even though she'd hate it herself.

The rudeness of the people who tell her that she'll regret staying childfree is a lot more offensive than the use of "breeders".

Great post mixety. I feel the same when someone announces a pregnancy, like things between us won't be the same ever again because their own family will always take precedence. I used to meet up with my best friend every week for dinner and a catch up, now she had children and I probably see her every other month. I know her life has changed hugely but I have felt very jealous and resentful of that at times. Haven't said a word about it to her of course.

Only read to about page 4 so apologies if the thread had moved on.

I think the hormone thing is definitely true. I've never been on hormonal contraception because of my migraines. I was fine for years, then this madness started creeping in. I would become consumed with a desire for a baby for 2 weeks every month. It's all I would think about and then it would vanish and I would literally forget about it until the next month. This went on for a good 6 months and seems to have died off recently, thank Christ, because I don't think I could have ignored it much longer.

OP as pps have said don't have kids because you feel like you must. I have an aunt so did this (out of a feeling of divine duty) and she hates her child, especially as he is become a teenager. He is a timid, sad little thing... Or so I thought until I saw him alone with other people. He was the centre of attention, charming and joking about, smiling lots, etc. My aunt's attitude has suppressed his personality at home. I'm not suggesting that you would do the same, but then again I don't think my aunt set out to be horrible to her son, I think parenthood just ground her down over time and they've ended up in this horrible situation.

That's interesting Babooshka, so you managed to fight it because you knew it was still wrong for you?

As I said upthread I've never been near hormonal contraception of any kind so my lack of interest is simply innate.

I was just like you OP. Happy to be child free and secretly pitied the life some of my friends with children had (not that I have ever admitted that IRL). I was happy, financially secure, lovely partner, own house, career I enjoyed, a hobby which I could devote loads of time to. I could have a lie in every weekend or else spontaneously fly to Europe for a night away. A child would have robbed me of a lot of that.

Then, aged 40, I got pregnant (by accident). Initially I was petrified and even a little angry - but within moments, my whole outlook changed and I realised I'd actually been in denial. I think I was actually scared of being a mum. I'd used my 'I'm child free, can do what I want, when I want' face to cover for the fact I felt somehow excluded from a club and that I needed to justify my child free existence. I secretly wanted to join that club, but was previously too scared to actually walk through the door. In fact, one of the first things I did was join Mumsnet as I felt that was now 'permitted'!

Sadly, I lost the baby and I also went straight into an early menopause. Had a rubbish time.

The only positive outcome was that it left me confident I did want to be a mum and that I was now ready for it. My partner felt the same way. We waited a few years to make sure this simply wasnt because of what had happened health wise, but by our mid 40s we still felt strongly that it was what we wanted and were now ready for.

Eventually, we applied to adopt and have never looked back. Best decision we ever made and I cant wait to start this new stage of our lives.

What I am trying to say is, if you genuinely dont want kids, that's fine. But do seriously question your reasoning before making a definitive decision.

plenty of breeders

Such a derogatory term.

Look up user1471552005 and you might see the the point of my previous post go sailing over your head.

I'll spell it out for you ... Regardless of my personal feelings on the issue of children if someone tells me they're pregnant I will congratulate them. Because A) I'm not a complete arsehole and don't like upsetting people and B) I don't tend to universalise my own view of the world and assume what works for me, works for them.

I can get my head around the idea that you some people can be happy with children and some people are happier without them. I only wish the child-bearing evangelists would extend the same courtesy to us. And believe you me if you have the temerity to be in your late 30s, married and child-free your reproductive choices seem to be fair game for any number of insensitive questions or unsolicited advice.

That's great it's worked out for you - but ultimately, you're just saying the same thing that we're all complaining about 'you might change your mind, you don't really know'

I know, I've known for a long, long time. I'm nearly 51 and post hysterectomy. Believe me, when I say, I know I won't have children, I wouldn't want them if they were gift wrapped and left on my front step, I can't think of anything worse than having a baby, a child, a teenager

Don't be so patronising

Costa Is that aimed at me? I didn't intend to be patronising, so I apologise. I just know that I was one of the most determinedly 'child free' people I know, so convinced I'd never change my mind. So irritated when people suggested I might.

Then I did change my mind.

You cant deny me the right to tell my story in the same way I fully accept where you're coming from and appreciate the majority of people wont change their mind.

It's the 'Do seriously question your reasoning before making a definitive decision' bit that comes across as patronising. I'm sure you don't mean it to, but how would you have felt if, when you decided to adopt, the response wasn't 'Congratulations!', but 'Are you sure? Please think very, very carefully'.

Sorry, I feel bad now. I really do apologise.

That said, I still wish I had known myself better and questioned myself more, rather than being as defensive as I was. I am just giving one experience and I feel a bit hounded upon simply because it's not the experience of others. It's my reality. I dont think it's wrong for me to share it with the OP who wanted to hear if anyone had regretted their decision - even if I did word it in a shit way (which I do accept and have apologised for).

BTW, 'are you sure?!!' (and far worse) was the response of a number of people re adopting. Along with 'dont you want to be a real mum?'. But that's a whole new thread.

I'm shocked people would ask you 'Don't you want to be a real mum?' That's really offensive.