Not wanting children... How did you know for sure

[Labyrinthian]

Background - mid 30s. Together 15 years. Lots of nieces and nephews, friends with children. Play a team sport where we regularly mind/ watch/ chat to all ages of children.

For years we put aside idea of kids - when we get married, when we move country, when we buy a house then we will think about it. But...

Reality is I've never ever been broody. No interest at all. I enquire about my friends kids, appear v interested, but honestly I don't have a real interest in having my own. (I should say kids seem to love me, even babies, unknown why, but even stroppy teenagers like me).

He is worse than me, really no interest at all. Has a huge moan every time one of our friends gets pregnant and always assumesits an accident! Basically mindset of 17 year old (oh and he's great, I'm just being honest about this side of him).

So as far as I see it we are not good candidates for parenthood, but society says otherwise. So does my family.

I feel like we are at decision age. I don't like the risk that either of us would be bitter if we had kids, and I don't mind ignoring the mainstream view of society...

But has anyone felt they really missed put and regret it later in life? Or was anyone like us but then has a surprise pregnancy that changed everything?

I will be inheriting a business and property and feel guilty that I am being given this, but would not have a family to pass it to (as I know how my parents would like me to have kids)

It’s a tough one because I think most people who don’t want children are 100% sure they don't, maybe 90% sure, but it’s human nature to wonder 'what if?' And you can never know what it's like if you don’t have onw. So unfortunately the only way to be really sure you don’t want kids is to have one, and then realise it was a mistake and that you were happier childfree. And it's not the child’s fault but they have to live with that too.

So for me the equation comes down to: I am happy without children, but there is a possibility in future I might regret that decision, against having a child and in future regretting that decision. And for me the second outcome is worse, because the child didn’t ask to be born.

I also think there’s a difference between knowing for sure you don’t want children and knowing for sure you don’t want to be a parent. The expectations on parents, in particular mothers, are huge. Very few mums I know would say they regret their children, but quite a few have said to me they regret becoming a parent. For that reason I’m cynical about society and wider family pushing for people to be parents - because they aren’t responsible for the parenting.

44, child free and with DP 23 years. I never had that broodiness and expectation I'd have childen growing up (even though schoolfriends did). We carefully considered it when I was 35, and reckon DP would have gone for it if I was keen. But we're enough for each other. It was never an 'ooh don't want them' (tho I do find young kids dull) more of an absence of that want or need that many others have. I see many friends struggle to keep their sense of self, their own development or nurture their relationship because of kids. Hobbies, what they want falls to the wayside. People love their kids (generally! ) and don't regret them, but that's the (selfish) gene acting there in my opinion- biology makes us love our kids rather than be a choice. And it doesn't stop, even when they're in their 30s with kids of their own! People have now thankfully stopped telling me ì'll regret it- no, having them wold be a bigger gamble! I might,but I doubt it!

i felt broody all 3 times. it was a definite, biological physical thing. I have been through the entire thing as my eldest 2 are now adults. hard work. a huge fortune spent. could never have rationally justified it. I have friends who have never wanted kids. I admire their decisiveness.

I don't think that how you feel about other people's children would reflect your views on your own. In my experience, it's totally different.

Other people's expectations as to how you SHOULD parent can be very off putting though and I think also contribute to uncertainty about whether it's something one shyould take on.

They are hard work and you have to give up a lot, so don't have children unless you actively want them would be my advice.

More and more people are choosing to remain childless so as you get older this will be more and more common. People I know without kids haven't regretted it - they have things I can hardly remember like nice furniture, gym membership, sex lives and romantic holidays.

I don't think that how you feel about other people's children would reflect your views on your own. In my experience, it's totally different.

I think my own would be worse than other people's. The sheer relentlessness of living with people - even worse, dependent people - ALL THE TIME? It sounds like hell on earth. Even if you get time away from them during the day they'd always be waiting when you got back.

I couldn't stand it.

It really doesn't work like that. I have no idea frankly why that is. But I guess none of us would ever reproduce if it weren't the case.

I think my own would be worse than other people's. The sheer relentlessness of living with people - even worse, dependent people - ALL THE TIME? It sounds like hell on earth. Even if you get time away from them during the day they'd always be waiting when you got back.

That's how I feel too. I remember as a young teenager, asking my mum what happens when you wake up one day and decide you don't like your children any more? She just said 'that won't happen'. But how do you know?

But OVienna, I guess that would be where the difference comes in for those of us who don't reproduce. I don't want an OH either. Going out with friends, staying with family, all great. But when I get home the only company I usually want is my cat.

Everyone is different, I definitely did not want any children, I didnt like them, they annoyed me. If anyone had a baby I would not want to visit or hold it or anything. If they criedit made me really angry - which confirmed the fact that being a parent wasn't for me.

My DP felt the same (he had a child when he was 17 that he wasn't ready for and is NC).

When we reached 30 I changed my mind. I don't know why - I still wasn't interested in children in general, even family members, but I just knew I wanted a baby. Maybe thinking in the background I didn't want to be old and not have a family of my own around me?

Now we have a mad little monster running around who is 14 months old and I cherish every moment. It's nothing like I thought it would be like and as many say, honestly the best thing I have ever decided on doing. We had a very shaky start but everything has turned out for the better

What you decide is what you decide. There is no right or wrong BUT people who say having you own is different are right. I still don't like other peoples children but I LOVE mine and in the end it was the right choice for me, although I don't know where it came from. I don't want any more though. I decided I wanted one, thats all I will have (planned). For me, I wouldn't choose to share my love with a second child, I can give as much time and attention to my DS as I can without interruption.

One day I was having a conversation with a friend about how much I didn't want children when she asked if I would consider not having one if I got pregnant by accident. My answer was no, I would probably have the baby, which opened up a thought process as I realised then I wasn't absolutely revolted by the idea.

I was always desperate to have a child - and although it took many years of horrible medical intervention, it finally happened. Being that certain that I wanted to be a mum, I can fully appreciate and understand that someone else feels just as passionately about not being a mum. We are all different and we all see our lives, relationships, society as a whole, in different ways. I have a friend who is childless, happily so, and living her life as she wishes to do.

If you feel certain that you don't want to be a parent, then go with your decision. If it's right for you, it's right for you, and you shouldn't feel pressured into changing your beliefs because of "society" or your family.

Me and my husband wanted kids but my fertility is rubbish so after a couple of years of trying and deciding no to IVF we gave up and took the view of we have each other, love each other so lets have a fab time, work hard, play harder, travel and generally enjoy ourselves.
After a couple more years and some fab holidays the "want" came back so we have adopted.
Don't rule out the fact that if you don't fall pregnant or wait decide in your 40's you want kids then adoption is a valid route.
There are lots of kids out there that their parents didn't want or who physically

I say don't
and have a read of these - esp the last one!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2732433-Reasons-I-love-having-kids

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2726951-If-you-chose-of-your-own-volition-to-never-have-children-what-was-the-deciding-factor-and-when-did-you-make-the-decision

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2731884-I-hate-having-kids

I found out I didn't want to be a mum after I had one. That sounds awful as I really love my son but parenthood did nothing for me I,m afraid.
If you don't think you want kids then for God's sake don't have any, you need to be totally sure your life would be incomplete without them before you go ahead becasue parenthood can be mind numbingly tedious for years on end and if you prefer adult company then it's not for you.
Spend a day with a friends toddler and sing wheels on the bus a hundred times and see if you still think you ought to have a kid.

'Just re: men having kids whenever they want. Lots of new studies are showing that mens fertility falls after 40 - and the chances of having a baby with downs syndrome might increase with a man's age just like with a woman's.'

True but by and large men's fertility window is faaaaar bigger than a woman's.

Look at Mick Jagger.

I am what you would call highly ambivalent about children I didn't want children at all until around 30, I suddenly did, very badly. Full on broodiness. However, I am fairly sure that I would absolutely hate the reality of it - the relentlessness, the responsibility, the drudgery etc etc - and I value my freedom and the 'nice' things in life very highly. So even though I still have my moments, and sobbed with jealousy when my sister told me she was pregnant recently, we are pretty sure about not having any. I'm nearly 37 so there's a small chance we could change our minds, but I would say its very unlikely.

I still have my broody moments, but also moments of intense relief and gratitude that I don't have children. I think most people are ambivalent to some degree, in the sense that they have moments of 'what if?' , even after they have made the decision one way or the other. I think not being sure is fine, so long as you are going with what your gut tells you is the best option for you.

But to echo other posters OP, if you're not interested, and are happy with life as it is, do not take the risk! We get absolutely bombarded with stories and images of how utterly wonderful life with children is, and it sets up the idea in your mind that having children is 'normal' and something you 'should' want to do. Resist, resist! Being childfree is entirely 'normal' if its something that you want to do and can be absolutely wonderful

we were a couple very much like you ... I had a shock / surprise pregnancy at 38. For me , the mummy hormones kicked in ( nature's way I guess) and was happy excited. Unfortunately no such hormones kicked in with my OH and trust me OP there is nothing worse than an uninterested and unhelpful father.

We are ok now but I was naive to think it would all fall into place , there was PND and 6 months where me and my son moved out. It wasn't ideal.

He adores our DS now , but that took a year for that to happen.

My son is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me but this is one ''what if'' scenario for you

Why is this AIBU?

I've just never wanted them, but I'm 39 so I still wouldn't say I know for sure. I would be amazed if I ever changed my mind but I have several friends who've suddenly had babies in their 40s when they had never wanted one before.

'I think that jealousy affects me, but its not something I want'

Ah, thank you for articulating something I have been struggling with. I guess it is possible to be jealous even if you don't actually want the thing in reality. I was heartbroken with jealousy for a few days when my sister told me she was pregnant, even though I would be horrified if I found out I was pregnant! I guess its something about being jealous that the decision has been made, and they are on a particular path. I also look forward to the day when the decision gets made for me by biology, not that I'm wishing my life away. I guess jealousy is a very complex thing

It amazes me how many people think it's okay to ask others - sometimes people they barely know - why they don't want or have children. A colleague said to me recently 'Oh, you never know - you might suddenly meet the ideal partner and then you'll want them. You don't know; you don't know'. Too late I wished I'd replied 'Why did you have a child? What if you change your mind about him later and wish you hadn't had him? You don't know; you don't know'.

As others have said, it's much better to regret not having children than regret having them. There are enough unwanted children in the world - we don't need more.

Prosecco "I would be amazed if I ever changed my mind but I have several friends who've suddenly had babies in their 40s when they had never wanted one before."

I'm starting to wonder how many of those sorts of people just thought they wanted them because you hear so much about it.

Or because so many people told them that regardless of whether they thought they wanted a baby, they'd be over the moon once they actually had one?

So for me the equation comes down to: I am happy without children, but there is a possibility in future I might regret that decision, against having a child and in future regretting that decision. And for me the second outcome is worse, because the child didn’t ask to be born

This was exactly my reasoning, coupled with a general lack of broodiness and belief that I would be unhappy as a mother. My decision was reinforced when I ended up as a carer to 3 DC for a while but I'd already 90% made it before then. Having said that, if I'd ended up with a DP/DH who was desperate for kids, I'd have probably caved - I feel very lucky to have a DH who feels the same as me.

It's not always easy and the relentless parade of (allegedly) happy family photos on FB sometimes makes me question my decision, but in my heart I know it's right for me. OP, I recommend you read Childfree and Loving It by Nicki Defago. There is also a good FB group called We're Not Having A Baby.