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Original poster

Not wanting children... How did you know for sure

260 replies

Labyrinthian · 14/09/2016 06:33

Background - mid 30s. Together 15 years. Lots of nieces and nephews, friends with children. Play a team sport where we regularly mind/ watch/ chat to all ages of children.

For years we put aside idea of kids - when we get married, when we move country, when we buy a house then we will think about it. But...

Reality is I've never ever been broody. No interest at all. I enquire about my friends kids, appear v interested, but honestly I don't have a real interest in having my own. (I should say kids seem to love me, even babies, unknown why, but even stroppy teenagers like me).

He is worse than me, really no interest at all. Has a huge moan every time one of our friends gets pregnant and always assumesits an accident! Basically mindset of 17 year old (oh and he's great, I'm just being honest about this side of him).

So as far as I see it we are not good candidates for parenthood, but society says otherwise. So does my family.

I feel like we are at decision age. I don't like the risk that either of us would be bitter if we had kids, and I don't mind ignoring the mainstream view of society...

But has anyone felt they really missed put and regret it later in life? Or was anyone like us but then has a surprise pregnancy that changed everything?

I will be inheriting a business and property and feel guilty that I am being given this, but would not have a family to pass it to (as I know how my parents would like me to have kids)

OP posts:
brasty · 15/09/2016 23:10

Surely no one really knows what each persons experience of having children is like?
I have a happy marriage. Lots of people with other kids of marriage don't know what my marriage really feels like.

maninawomansworld01 · 15/09/2016 23:21

unless you have had children you don't know what the experience is like.

Actually that is complete fucking bollocks.

I have 3 kids, I love them all but it's hard work. I remember after the first was born thinking 'yep, this is exactly as I expected'.

brasty · 15/09/2016 23:23

You could also say you don't know what it would be like not having children as an older woman.

Costacoffeeplease · 15/09/2016 23:25

I've never poked my eyes out with a stick but I know it wouldn't be the best fun I've ever had

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 15/09/2016 23:26

unless you have had children you don't know what the experience is like.

And.... Guess what.... I don't want to know

This really fucks me off - again - we've had children and have therefore had a better life than you angry just fuck off

THIS. Exactly. Cheers Costa Wine

I don't know what a lot of experiences are like. I've never had appendicitis, been to jail or got lost in a swamp. I can be quite confident that I don't want to find out.

ToastDemon · 15/09/2016 23:29

I am 41, very happily married and child free by choice. And I'm not on any hormonal contraception and haven't been for many years.
I never felt angst over it. I didn't fancy it so I didn't do it. I've never been anything other than happy and relieved about this.

brasty · 15/09/2016 23:36

I know a number of lesbians, not using contraception, and who do not want kids.
Yes evolutionary wise some women need to have kids, but there are various evolutionary theories about how it benefits the species if not all women have kids.

mixety · 16/09/2016 06:54

a PP talked of her friend's babies crying and constant sleepless nights, and concludes that isn't for her.

Crying and sleepless nights were two things I mentioned along with many other pros and cons to having children. I'm not dense enough to just think "oh they cry and don't sleep, they're not for me". Of course I can see that children bring an amazing joy to nearly everyone that has them. I may not personally know it never having experienced it, but I've heard enough people talk about it (and talk about it and talk about it....) to be aware of it.

90daychallenger · 16/09/2016 07:46

I've been following this with interest.

TBH, it's pretty sad and frustrating the number of posts which are basically saying 'but you might change your mind' with varying degrees of explicitness when one of the key things that us child-free people hate is being patronised and told that we might change our minds Hmm.

However, what's interesting is that a lot of posters (both child-free and parents) are focusing on is young children, the sleepless nights, the crying, the nappies etc. My problem is that I actually don't like people, of any age. So although I would absolutely hate to have a crying, shitting, helpless baby, I would also hate to have a toddler, an older child, a teenager and, eventually, an adult child. I want to minimise my contact with other humans never mind bring one into the world that I'll have to be in contact with forever Grin

90daychallenger · 16/09/2016 07:50

unless you have had children you don't know what the experience is like

This is a completely ridiculous argument.
We have no idea what anything in life is actually like unless we've experienced it but it still doesn't mean we can't say "that's not for me". It doesn't make our opinion (on whatever it is) invalid.

Plus, you can't actually ever know what the experience is like without fully committing so surely it's better to just never know. What happens if you try parenthood and don't like it, you can't just donate children to the local charity shop if you decide they're not really for you.

Lottapianos · 16/09/2016 08:09

'unless you have had children you don't know what the experience is like'

I have worked with children and supported hundreds of parents over the past 16 years. I've also been hanging out on here for years and have read plenty of parents' experiences, good and bad. I can have a pretty damn good guess at what parenting would be like for me and I'm as sure as I can be that it's not for me.

I agree with other posters that the many versions of 'youll change your mind / don't know your own mind' on here are very disappointing

On the other hand, I have got a lot out if reading this thread. It's been lovely to see how many people feel that they are childfree by choice fundamentally, but have also felt confused and unsure about that decision at times. I thought I was the only one!

stripeyshoesy · 16/09/2016 08:15

unless you have had children you don't know what the experience is like.

Yes, and if you really don't like the experience you can't give them back!
Take the wrong job, marry the wrong man, buy the wrong house... These situations can be remedied.
Having a baby and realising that it's actually not what you wanted, well you're stuck with that.

It's a massive decision to make and if everyone put as much thought into having a child and weighing up the pros and cons I daresay the world would be a happier place.

Bigfatnope · 16/09/2016 08:23

When did i know that i didnt want kids? After i had my first.

shinynewusername · 16/09/2016 08:32

bigfatnope Grin

Bigfatnope · 16/09/2016 08:36

Ive just come from the 'being a parent is shit' thread Grin

ShotsFired · 16/09/2016 08:53

I agree with other posters that the many versions of 'youll change your mind / don't know your own mind' on here are very disappointing

It feels to me that these comments are varying levels of indignant/kneejerk reactions from the poster feeling like we are knocking their life choices to have children.

Ironically, these reactions are doing exactly that to us who have made different choices! The difference is that we're not going round telling parents they just don't understand and will probably regret it later.

BARB060609 · 16/09/2016 08:58

andadietcoke that is such a lovely story, brought a tear to my eye. I have a 9 week old baby girl after a few years of trying. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I couldn't believe I had considered not having a child!

90daychallenger · 16/09/2016 09:08

Shotsfired You're absolutely right. Also, whilst anyone can go anywhere on MN and post where ever they like, I find it a bit odd that parents, particularly those who always wanted to be parents, would come to a thread about why people don't want to be parents. Again, feels like a defensive reaction.

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 16/09/2016 09:21

Some ladies doth protest too much?

mixety · 16/09/2016 09:44

I think it's valid that some posters on this thread are saying they never wanted children, then suddenly that changed and they did want them, and now they are horrified to think they could have missed out on parenthood because it has been such a great experience for them.

The key point is though, the bit where suddenly they wanted children. Most of us posting here don't WANT children. Maybe some of us will in the future, but we don't want them now. And some of us will just go on not wanting children and that won't change.

Either way, I don't see a good argument for having children when you err firmly on the side of not wanting them. The chance that you'll want them in the future but be too old isn't a good enough reason IMO.

ShotsFired · 16/09/2016 09:45

I picked this up doing the rounds on FB.

www.facebook.com/ebingham/posts/10107297031532134

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/09/2016 09:52

What I have noticed over the years is the sizeable minority of parents out there who upon finding out you are childless seem intent on trying to convince you that you are missing out. These people generally are not close friends but folk we have met at random birthdays/BBQs/dinner parties. Or my personal favourite, "have you thought about adoption" usually suggested in such a breezy fashion they think it is as simple as buying a tin of beans.

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs · 16/09/2016 10:01

When my boss went off on her third maternity leave I was thinking "Oh God, why would you?" but I wouldn't have dreamed of saying it because she was clearly happy.

Just like I wouldn't expect her to say to me "You ought to have kids."

We're both doing what's right for us.

LogicallyLost · 16/09/2016 10:54

Agree it's a valid post that some people who didn't want children changed their mind. Especially interesting to hear that it was possibly suppressed by hormonal contraception, would never have thought of that.

It's a hard decision to not have kids, people tell you that they thought that way but then they had them. But that is a hell of a commitment to make if you don't feel different.

My DW and I both felt the same, the thought of kids was a bit "meh" but we both said if the other really wanted them we would have done it, but we didn't. I had the snip to avoid "accidents" as it's a far more minor surgery but reading this thread has raised the thought that if she changed her mind (unlikely) and wanted kids i wouldn't be able to provide that now and how would that affect our relationship. It did however stop any of our families / acquaintances saying "you may feel different" Grin

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/09/2016 11:13

Dp and I were together 19 years before dd was born, pure accident. Neither really had given much thought to having children. But everything just clicked into place. None of our friends had children nor were likely to have children so almost overnight we lost all of our friends.

Our only regret was we wished we had started sooner and had the chance to have more.

I think we were both indoctrinated by both sets of parents and our old friends that it was the worse thing in the world to have children and our lives would be over and our freedoms would be curtailed. If anything the world has opened up and we feel like a new life had begun