Not wanting children... How did you know for sure

[Labyrinthian]

Background - mid 30s. Together 15 years. Lots of nieces and nephews, friends with children. Play a team sport where we regularly mind/ watch/ chat to all ages of children.

For years we put aside idea of kids - when we get married, when we move country, when we buy a house then we will think about it. But...

Reality is I've never ever been broody. No interest at all. I enquire about my friends kids, appear v interested, but honestly I don't have a real interest in having my own. (I should say kids seem to love me, even babies, unknown why, but even stroppy teenagers like me).

He is worse than me, really no interest at all. Has a huge moan every time one of our friends gets pregnant and always assumesits an accident! Basically mindset of 17 year old (oh and he's great, I'm just being honest about this side of him).

So as far as I see it we are not good candidates for parenthood, but society says otherwise. So does my family.

I feel like we are at decision age. I don't like the risk that either of us would be bitter if we had kids, and I don't mind ignoring the mainstream view of society...

But has anyone felt they really missed put and regret it later in life? Or was anyone like us but then has a surprise pregnancy that changed everything?

I will be inheriting a business and property and feel guilty that I am being given this, but would not have a family to pass it to (as I know how my parents would like me to have kids)

My DH and I never ever wanted kids. There was a passing moment after he died when I had wondered if I should have had a child to him, a part of him, if you like. I then realised that I would gave had no guarantee how that child would have turned out, and I would have missed so much time with my DH. It was a passing thought and I'm still glad we never had the desire to breed.

Otoh, my nephews have lived with me since their teens and their sister joined them a few months before my DH died. We also had one of their friends live with us for four years, as he was thrown out at 16. These are the children that were 'wanted' by their parents, until the novelty wore off. Having kids does not make someone a better person. If they're an arsehole before kids, they'll still be one after.

We didn't want kids but couldn't turn our back on these kids. I love them all and would give my life for them. I get really pissed of when people ask about my family, and I explain that I'm the parental figure for my niece and my nephews who live with me, "no I mean, do you not have any kids of your own?" I've got to the stage that I answer, "never wanted any, but ended up looking after other people's kids. Some people shouldn't breed." They usually shut up after that.

Bty, I still don't want to have kids.

Yeah. I thought about it logically and decided that I can't be held to ransome by my hormones. The fact the urge was like clockwork helped because I knew that I could wait it out and tell DP to use condoms because during those broody weeks I was like a sex-crazed nympho who didn't want to pull out

I think it's difficult to say 'for sure' - who knows how you'll feel in 10/20/30 years' time? If you'll have regrets, whichever way you chose? All you can do is think carefully and weigh it up.

I don't have DC. Married for over a decade, together for much longer. Slight wobble when I got to 30, precipitated by the fact that I was surrounded by pregnant friends and colleagues and their new babies. After deciding that we'd spend 12 months thinking it over, I was surprised to realise that the feeling had gone. It's never come back - and it wasn't a 'I must have a baby' feeling, it was more of a 'I'm not sure, what if' feeling.

I love kids. I spend a lot of time with my extended family which involves children of all ages. The best way I can describe it is when someone is fluent in a foreign language; I really admire the achievement and the work involved in learning it, but have no desire to do so myself!

Will I regret it in later years? Who knows? I'm about to turn 40 and have found my resolve not to have DC has become stronger as I've aged. All I know is that I would far rather regret not having a child, than regretting having one.

I never wanted kids and I'm mid-40ies and I never regretted it (well, not yet at least!). DH agrees on that as well.
Furthermore, after a serious mental illness was discovered running in the male line in my family, I was relieved I had never made such a decision.
I cannot adopt either because of a disability.

If you don't want them, don't have them. Plenty of parents who have children and they are horrible or even abusive to them.

PaulDacre, I love your foreign language example! I'm the same - I would really love to speak fluent French and am jealous of people who can, but I honestly couldn't face putting the work in! Very similar to how I feel about children - I have felt pretty desperate for a baby at times, but knew deep down that I couldn't hack the reality of it. I've been on the pill for donkey's years so it wasn't hormonal in my case. I think it was a mixture of that time of life when it feels like everyone else is doing it, and wanting to have a family of my own (semi estranged from my own family).

I'm childfree through infertility.
We spent about 6 years TTCing and having fertility treatment.
I wanted a baby so badly that it gave me actual physical pain.
When we first started trying a friend announced that she was pregnant after just one month of trying.
Our journey ended when my only pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.
After talking it though we realised that life without children had many many pros to it.
We are now happily childfree. People don't believe us most of the time and think that it is a coping mechanism.

I often think of my friend who got pregnant the first time of trying. We have had a long time to think about and asses the situation whereas she only had a short time to think it through before it became a reality.
Now I am not saying that she, or anyone else for that matter doesn't think about it properly but what I am saying is that we had time to think about it more.

Children are wonderful and I'm sure that most people who has them love them dearly and wouldn't have it any other way, but the decision was almost take out of their hands especially people who found themselves pregnant unexpectedly. And then once they are here then it's very different.

All this talk of coming off hormonal contraception then seeing how you feel, what about the hormones of being pregnant? Or the hormones of being a 20 - 40 year ole woman?

A poster up thread who needs to change her username from user376423764536465r97 or some shit said you are only looking after your children for about 18 years. What about if your child has serious additional needs, or mental health issues? And surely once they are 18 most parents don't just say 'right, you aren't anything to do with me any more, bye now, I'm off to get my life back'. And if your view is 'well it's only for 18 years' then I don't think being a parent is the right choice for you.

The thing is that it is something that you can only ever experience one side of. I get the feeling that because having children was the default option for so long the society treats people without children with a certain level of suspicion.

Desolate, you know new users are allocated a number now and I think from the app it's not immediately clear how to change it...?

I agree about the 18 years point - especially these days with tuition fees and property prices being so high. Most people I know have their kids still living with them until their mid-20s at least. The DC go off to uni and then many return during holidays and post-graduation because they cannot afford to live away from home. Even after that, your kids will still want or need your help...how many posts do you see on here from MNers who would love some parental support with childcare? And as the PP says, that's before you get into children with SN who may require lifelong care.

Having kids is a lifelong commitment. If you're only interested in 18 years or fewer then get a dog.

I've had plenty of breeders comment on our reproductive choices

Oh dear, I hope you don't use that term in RL. Cringe.

Whatever:

You're ignoring the rest of Dylan's post.

Dylan has manners & can congratulate people on having babies even though she'd hate it herself.

The rudeness of the people who tell her that she'll regret staying childfree is a lot more offensive than the use of "breeders".

Empress i disagree
"Breeders" is so fucking rude

Followed this thread as hoped would help with my own decision but there is no need to be insulting to either people with kids or without

Not sure if this helps or not but I didn't particularly want kids. I've never been broody and I was always nonplussed by the idea as I had a great exciting life. I thought about it and never knew what to do, too many reasons for and against. Also, I thought I might be infertile for various reasons.
Last November I found out that I was 5 months pregnant. It was too late to do anything and once we saw the ultrasound, we couldn't anyway (as the baby was fully formed and we fell in love). DS is now 6 months and I love being a mum and having a child. It's very hard work and you experience highs and lows of emotion often within the same minute but it's amazing. I am so glad that it happened. I really didn't think I'd feel this way. I thought I'd be missing my old life but I don't. Obviously it is early days!

I was adamant that I didn't want dcs from my teens. I couldn't see any upsides, just hard work, and tedium.

At 39 I changed my mind, and had 2 in 2 years. They've changed my life for the better (although I won't deny that small dcs are hard work and at time tedious ). I'm lucky that biology was kind to me as I fell pregnant easily despite my age. I imagine that I would have been very upset and angry with myself for leaving it so late if this had not been the case.

"Breeders" is so fucking rude

Agree. Can't bear all the anti-parent stuff on some CF websites. Some parents are arseholes, some CF people are arseholes. Most of us are just trying to do the best we can.

having children was the default option for so long

desolate- I am laughing at the irony of that comment.

Without us "breeders" there would be no society.

shiny- I agree.

Also refer the CF to the name of this website Mumsnet. A clue in the name surely. Not sure why they are hovering here.

Like me joining a rock climbing ( which I have never done) enthusiasts website then slating their hobby choice.

"Breeders" is so fucking rude

If taken completely out of context yes. If read in the context of the rest of my post, no. I've explained it twice already as have another couple of posters.

Here goes again: I used a dismissive and rude word to describe parents as a way of illustrating how (some) parents are rude and dismissive about the choices of the child-free. and see their decision to have children puts them on a higher plane where their life has more purpose and our lives will be spent in emptiness and regret.

So dylan you get to decide if someone finds that term offensive or not.

How lovely.

Can I remind you this website is "by parents for parents".

Wading in calling women " breeders" is massively offensive.
Your existence is based on the activities of breeders.

! used a dismissive and rude word to describe parents as a way of illustrating how (some) parents are rude and dismissive about the choices of the child-free. and see their decision to have children puts them on a higher plane where their life has more purpose and our lives will be spent in emptiness and regret

So you don't like being stigmatised as "other" by parents and you think the best way of combating that is to stigmatise parents? OK

I would rather believe that mothers and CF women have far more in common than we have differences. I'd have thought this thread and the I Hate Having Kids one illustrate that well - most posts have been thoughtful and non-judgemental.

Not sure why they are hovering here.

You sound delightful

user1471552005

It is pointless engaging with you as you seem hell bent on wilfully misconstruing my point. People can take it any which way they like. I've explained how and why I used it. If you want to take the hump there's nothing I can do about that. And quite frankly I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

As for 'wading in' I've been here for six years and I'm fully aware what the site's strapline is.

Your existence is based on the activities of breeders.

Really ? Golly gosh, the stuff about the Mulberry bush was a fib?

But thanks for illustrating my point perfectly. My mother wanted children and made a conscious decision to have them (or at the very least chose to continue with her pregnancies.) She made a choice that was right for her, it doesn't make her choice and better or more worthy than mine or vice versa. But she didn't spend her 30s having to justify it to all and sundry.

I used a dismissive and rude word to describe parents as a way of illustrating how (some) parents are rude and dismissive about the choices of the child-free. and see their decision to have children puts them on a higher plane where their life has more purpose and our lives will be spent in emptiness and regret

Ho hum. Using a parenting website and then calling the users 'breeders' is just fucking stupid IMO, whichever greater point you were apparently trying to illustrate.

I love my selfish and materialistic child-free life. Early 40s here and I'm not regretting my choice so far. Life keeps getting better!