Not wanting children... How did you know for sure

[Labyrinthian]

Background - mid 30s. Together 15 years. Lots of nieces and nephews, friends with children. Play a team sport where we regularly mind/ watch/ chat to all ages of children.

For years we put aside idea of kids - when we get married, when we move country, when we buy a house then we will think about it. But...

Reality is I've never ever been broody. No interest at all. I enquire about my friends kids, appear v interested, but honestly I don't have a real interest in having my own. (I should say kids seem to love me, even babies, unknown why, but even stroppy teenagers like me).

He is worse than me, really no interest at all. Has a huge moan every time one of our friends gets pregnant and always assumesits an accident! Basically mindset of 17 year old (oh and he's great, I'm just being honest about this side of him).

So as far as I see it we are not good candidates for parenthood, but society says otherwise. So does my family.

I feel like we are at decision age. I don't like the risk that either of us would be bitter if we had kids, and I don't mind ignoring the mainstream view of society...

But has anyone felt they really missed put and regret it later in life? Or was anyone like us but then has a surprise pregnancy that changed everything?

I will be inheriting a business and property and feel guilty that I am being given this, but would not have a family to pass it to (as I know how my parents would like me to have kids)

But life is not all about following your head.

Sometimes the best outcomes happen when we allow our heart to have a say.

I don't suggest that bringing a child into an undesirable situation is a good way forward, but surely we make decisions based on rationality and gut /emotional feeling.

We very often enter into relationships with others based on what our heart tells us- not just because someone happens to have good career prospects or will come into a big inheritance down the line.
We often don't know where a relationship will lead, it's a leap of faith.

Same with having kids. It's a catch 22 situation though. You are basing a decision on what you think life may be like as a parent, but as that is not something you have experienced then it's a bit of a false judgement.

sleepless nights and unstoppable crying.

Not something I have experienced with my children.

God this resonates so much with me.

I'm nearly 40. Been with my partner for 11 years. Happy as a teacher. Worked with kids in multiple capacities since being a teenager and absolutely adore them but genuinely not sure if I would be a good Mum to a baby.

I deal poorly with lost sleep. I need time alone to recharge. I crave silence.

I adore my friends' kids but I also feel relief when they go home. Toddlers are so dull and such amazing hard work. I think I would go nuts. :(

I always wanted a family...but in the abstract. I never wanted to be pregnant or to have a baby and I looked seriously into adoption.

But I think the want for a child...the need, the broodiness as it were...that has missed me. So that should be that.

I feel really confused about it all. Thanks for posting this thread OP, it's really making me think about it all. Hope all goes well for you.

I agree that if you are at a point in your life when you realise (for that moment in time) you don't want children of your own, then do not change your life to suit others.

But ...

I have met people who were adamant they did not want children. They were given the speeches of "you'll regret it" and they always replied "we won't". Many are adamant they won't regret it but life has a funny way of changing our perspectives, our ideals and NOT ONE PERSON can 100% say they are adamant they do not want children. Decisions are made in the present with a view to the future of what life is like now. But the reality is, nobody knows how their life will turn out in 5, 10, 15 years time.

I am not here to change your mind, except maybe to hope you understand that our dreams and wishes can and often do change. If you don't want children now or in the foreseeable future, stick with your wishes but have some thought about how you would cope if that desire changed at a time when it would be difficult to conceive.

One thing I CAN say is that couples who have expected a life of no children and fallen pregnant accidentally have understandably in the short term been upset, scared, anxious, angry and bitter. But when baby arrived, their whole lives, dreams, expectations, thoughts, opinions - everything changed. When asked if they would go back and change things ... no was the answer. They would never and could never imagine a life without their child and wouldn't swap them for the world. One of those couples were my aunt and uncle who had my cousin quite late in life (40s).

You are basing a decision on what you think life may be like as a parent, but as that is not something you have experienced then it's a bit of a false judgement.

That's true for both decisions though. True for choosing NOT to have them, and choosing TO have them.

It's valuable to recognise that we have to make decisions based on incomplete information, but it doesn't tip the balance one way or the other.

You don't need children to feel like you have accomplished something. You can be perfectly happy childless. Better a childless woman than a shitty parent who had children because of social pressure.

But I think for a lot of people who don't want children, it is both an emotional and logical decision, user1471552005. Their heart tells them they would not enjoy parenthood and logically therefore it's a bad idea to become a parent.

Unfortunately, my experience as a woman who is happily childfree, is that if you say your reason for not wanting children is that you just don't, in your heart, want children, people try to argue with you - as though it's up for debate. I've become to resigned to having to also provide all the logical arguments before people get the message and back off.

I'm always surprised to hear that Red - I've never had anyone try to argue with me about it. Mind you, I never really discuss it and I wonder if people think we were desperate for kids and never managed it. But so many of my friends and colleagues chose not have children that it seems completely normal to everyone but DP's mum. I'm one of a group of six friends from school and four of us chose not to have children, despite all of us being in long term relationships.

Having children is not like going to live on another planet permanently.

Children are demanding when they are young, but their independence and your child free time increases as they grow.

A woman spends ( hopefully ) 70 years living as an adult. A child needs to be taken care of for 16- 18 years ( and these latter years are not nearly so tying)
Which is only 20% of a life, and is richly rewarding for most women.

I was child free until I was 38, and now that my kids are young adults I am "child" free again,

If you have a child it does not mean changing nappies and finding babysitters untik you die.

not like going to live on another planet permanently.

I wouldn't choose that either. :o

It is, however, more permanent than anything else you could possibly do.

Since going to live on another planet is not currently possible.

user, average life expectancy is about 80 for women. The last 10 years you are likely to be less physically active then when you were, say, 30 or 40. The first 18 to 21/22 years you are growing up and in education (more if you do an MA and PhD). So, that's between 45 and 50 years of active adult life for most of us. I never wanted to spend something like 40% of that time raising children.

I'm very glad they make you happy, though - we'd all be stuffed if no-one had them

User, why haven't you got a proper name?

Fatherjemima- but It's not so much time as that is the point I am making.

The "raising of children" can be quite full on in the early years, but children's needs ease off. You are not having to see to their basic needs in the same way, they start to take themselves places, attend to their personal needs, amuse themselves, take pleasure in the company of others. Some even go to school.
It is possible to co exist with a child and have your own needs and ambitions met too.
You suggest that we have to commit 20 years of ours lives, somehow as if that time is taken from us, it's just living in a different way, it's family life.
Like comparing living alone and life with a partner.
Your life isn't diminished because you live with and support someone else.

But life is not all about following your head.

Sometimes the best outcomes happen when we allow our heart to have a say.

But for me , my heart isn't really telling me it wants children either. I have no broodiness or urges or innate emotions about it, I only have my head to work with here. For looking at both the positives and negatives.

You are lucky to have not experienced sleepless nights and unstoppable crying! I can think of two friends in particular who have had awful times with their babies who have been terrible sleepers and cried every few hours throughout the night and day. They've been driven to absolute despair at times, that much I do know. Of course, I also know friends who have had "easy" babies. Most being somewhere inbetween.

For me, It is if that person is dependant and demanding - even as teenagers children require a lot of input

mixety - I was replying to trills who suggested that she would always listen to her head over her heart.

From my earliest memories I wanted to be a mum. It was the job I always wanted above everthing else. I'm trained at postgrad level and have been fortunate to have good opportunities, but that didn't stop me from wanting DCs.

I have 2 DCs. The drive to be a mum ended as I was giving birth to the second. I was glad to let go of it!

I love it, but have had physical and psychological issues along way. DCs are draining and enthralling at the same time.

As much as I wanted DCs, I would as strongly back anyone who said no. I think it's harder when couples have different opinions, but you sound equally decided. So go with it and be happy. Happiness is going for what you want, not what you're expected to want!

Happiness is going for what you want, not what you're expected to want!

Exactly!

I understand that some posters always knew they wanted kids and that some posters thought they didn't, changed their minds & found that it was the best thing they'd ever done. And that's great. I respect that.

But for some of us, head, heart & (untouched) hormones all find the mere idea of parenthood unthinkable. It wouldn't be my worst thing ever but it would certainly be high on the list.

Can we respect each other's views and just agree to differ?

I agree lilac, I have several family members and friends who have chosen not to have children.

I guess what I am trying to say and being devil's advocate here - is that unless you have had children you don't know what the experience is like.

A PP talked of her friend's babies crying and constant sleepless nights, and concludes that isn't for her.

Well yes parenthood may be like that in part- of course.

An analogy could be someone deciding to stay single because they have heard such awful things about men. And that is a perfectly valid decision.

Men pick their toenails, leave tea cups around, snore in bed, fart a lot, want to watch football on the TV, smell sometimes, drink beer, don't like some of your friends, may not want to go your first choice of holiday/ restaurant, want a dog when you don't, engage you in conversation when you want to read, read when you want to engage in conversation etc etc.

Put it like that and I wouldn't want a partner either.
But for those of us with loving fulfilling relationships we know that while all the above may be true, it is not very accurate.

Same with having children.

Painted like that I wouldn

The thing is banging that you have no idea how many couples who accidentally get pregnant regret it. Regretting kids is a massive taboo - I have never heard anyone admit it IRL. However a quick Google or a read of the I Hate Having Kids thread will show you that it is not uncommon.

I am sure you are right that many accidental parents end up delighted in the long run. But it's certainly not everyone's experience.

The other thread about hating being a parent is very interesting reading.

What I have taken from it is that while it seems very rare indeed for a parent not to love their children, and feel devastated at the thought of losing them now they are here...there are actually a surprising number who would go back in time if they could and never have had them in the first place.

The biological imperative to love and protect and nurture your children even though you might dislike a lot of things involved in doing all that is really pretty amazing.

But is faith in that imperative kicking in a strong enough reason to have a child if you are not sure you really want one? It would feel like walking off a cliff to me and having to trust you'd be caught at the bottom.

One thing I find strange is the statement about not being interested in other people's kids. All my childless friends are no less interested in my kids than my friends with children. Many people are interested in their own kids but not those of others!

One of my dd's most amazing teachers didn't have children of her own by choice.

I don't think wanting or not wanting children of your own has any relation to how you fell about those of others

I don't have a lot to do with kids. I love my niece & nephew & I'll smile at / talk to toddlers & babies on buses, but there's always the sense of relief / freedom in knowing I can just walk away when it's my stop.

I'm not fond of other people's kids. Part of the reason I didn't want my own.
I feel very different about my own children however.