Not wanting children... How did you know for sure

[Labyrinthian]

Background - mid 30s. Together 15 years. Lots of nieces and nephews, friends with children. Play a team sport where we regularly mind/ watch/ chat to all ages of children.

For years we put aside idea of kids - when we get married, when we move country, when we buy a house then we will think about it. But...

Reality is I've never ever been broody. No interest at all. I enquire about my friends kids, appear v interested, but honestly I don't have a real interest in having my own. (I should say kids seem to love me, even babies, unknown why, but even stroppy teenagers like me).

He is worse than me, really no interest at all. Has a huge moan every time one of our friends gets pregnant and always assumesits an accident! Basically mindset of 17 year old (oh and he's great, I'm just being honest about this side of him).

So as far as I see it we are not good candidates for parenthood, but society says otherwise. So does my family.

I feel like we are at decision age. I don't like the risk that either of us would be bitter if we had kids, and I don't mind ignoring the mainstream view of society...

But has anyone felt they really missed put and regret it later in life? Or was anyone like us but then has a surprise pregnancy that changed everything?

I will be inheriting a business and property and feel guilty that I am being given this, but would not have a family to pass it to (as I know how my parents would like me to have kids)

I was never 'broody' but I earn my living looking after children so i don't think I have the opportunity to ever feel that way.

I love my daughter dearly, but I so wish I had waited. My partner and I had been together for 10yrs (we were 28 when I had dd) and I think we felt the desire to do something, our relationship had to progress and so we had a child. As I say we love her and she is a dream but there are a million and one things I miss about my life pre-children and if I am being 100% honest, I think we had a child too soon. I won't be having any more.

What's the alternative? have kids and hope you'll feel differently as they are yours? (we had this suggested...awful idea).

I took the pill for a short time in my teens and early twenties, 30 years later I'm still happily child free

magic I was more laughing at the "bingo" phrasing. It's something I haven't seen in ages. (I think last time was ten years ago on scary CF sites)

Magic, you might find this hard to believe but I am glad you posted and for those reasons.

It's very hard to see someone regret their choice because they believed the things they heard. It's horrific for the parents because of course that's them stuck with their choice for life and I'm sure on some level the child knows not just that they are unwanted, but to what extent they are unwanted...and as I've posted before, I've watched two couples break up and argue because neither parent wanted the major care of the children.

at one stage my parents were so stressed about it I thought they were going to offer to adopt them!!!!

and yes of course I heard your words as a typical bingo - go back and read your post again, it does read as "you'll change your mind" - followed by a tinkly little laugh.

plus how is it different from a guy in the office going "bad mood? Hormones?" Not saying it can't be but I think a high number of women would like people to acknowledge that not everyone is so strongly affected by those hormones.

I am another never wanted/been broody/had any interest whatsoever.

My friends have all known this. Yet...

When I met my boyfriend (after a long time single, and now steaming towards 40), one of the first things I was asked was about babies!

I was quite surprised - this is a woman I have known for over a decade.

And then she was equally surprised back when I was all "er, no? WTF would I want to go and do that ".

Very odd exchange.

Shots - that's the "no one believes you, they just think you haven't met the right mayun" bingo.

Their faces when you ask "how can he be right for me if he wants children"?

Lorelei - I have gone back and read it and no I don't think it does read like that. If I meant "you'll change your mind" I would have said it.

It is unfair to criticise a poster for things they have not said, did not even think, and which you are reading into it with no evidence.

I did say maybe I was weird, implying it may well not happen to lots of other people. When Empress said it hadn't happened to her, I accepted it immediately.

Please do not hang people out to dry because of what you think they may be implying rather than what is actually said.

And I never do tinkly little laughs, I'm so far from that woman.

And no, not everyone is as influenced by their hormones, but I was and that is a valid experience. Some women are. Are we not allowed to say this? It's not letting down womanhood in someway. It doesn't make those of us who battle with hormones "less".

To relate that to being a bloke in an office blaming things on women's hormones is deeply misogynistic. I am female, I have hormones which affect my brain, as we all do to a greater or lesser degree, and to reduce and mock that is sexist shite.

Anyway, lesson learnt.

Nokids - fair enough. The whole "bingo" this is very year 2000

*thing

I'd take the responses you get from this thread with a pinch load of salt (not because the responses are disingenuous) because you are asking on a parenting website. It is like posting on Morris Minor owner's club page asking if you should buy a Morris Minor. Those who respond to you work invariably have a Morris Minor and even if they qualify this with 'The are expensive, hard work and will wreck your social life' invariably they'll feel the sacrifices are worth it.

Add to that there are great taboos about people admitting they regret having children or even that they found parenting unrewarding, dull and stressful then you aren't getting a balanced picture.

Magic "I would recommend that anyone who wants to be child free comes off hormonal contraception and checks that they still feel the same way"

this line in particular made me feel you weren't okay with the CF choice.

anyway, it doesn't really matter, I wasn't trying to make you feel got at. The OP said a lot about "owning" the choice and I thought it was an excellent example of what she's going to face in the world if/when she starts "owning" that choice.

Helena, I only just saw your post for some reason. That's one of my faves! A nice woman not having children!!!

Being a parent is challenging, frustrating, can be banal, a physical, emotional and financial drain.

This^^
I have a ds18. He's kind intelligent handsome (a face only a mother can love 😃) I wouldn't be without him, but given my time over wouldn't do it again.
I remember getting the let's have a baby feeling then when it happened thought 'shit'.
If you don't want to do it.... don't feel guilty.

I never wanted children. I didn't feel at all maternal and children (particularly babies) scared me!

Then, aged 33 I fell pregnant accidently and found out at 25 weeks!

I can honestly say that having DS (now nearly 4) is the best thing that I have ever done. It's not always easy (father not involved at all), however the good has by far outweighed the bad. I love being a Mum and my DS is my world.

Jolly good

We didn't want to have kids but I got broody .
The love I felt when they arrived was like being in love and unconditional .
But it did affect our relationship massively as we had been together for 14 years doing what we wanted .
For eg when we came home from work we got hrs n hrs free to do what we wanted .we travelled etc .
Then we had two dc - very portable as babies but not so with 5 year old with travel sickness - had years not being able to go an hour away without sick bowl . Dreadful .
Felt so restricted .
Then the sheer expense to the purse as well as relationship .
No time with partner cf to before unkess you have family support - we didn't have a night away for 9 years. Logically I Wd not do this .
However - there are things that I can't quantify - the amazing love , the fun , the worry... The new adults .
I'd think about the longer term - do you want extra adults who you unconditionally love and if so can you commit to that journey . Babies are bliss - every age has its amazing pleasures alongside the pain - in convinience and comprimise -do you want that journey . ?
It's been a roller coaster for us to be honest - but my teens are lovely people now and my heart feels full of love .
However if someone would have told me about what I Wd have to do as a parent I Wd not have kids - it Wd be illogical to me . So , it's not really about logic .
If you want more of everything ( exept freedom ) - pain - love - fun tiredness - worry - bliss - then you jump into the Unknown . If it feels better not to then maybe don't .

Anyway... I knew for sure I didn't want children and I still know for sure I don't want children. Thank fuck.

Never, ever wanted children. Never felt broody and haven't ever regretted my decision not to have any.

As for the bit about adults & journeys & whatnot, I'm currently staying with my 93-yr-old, near-housebound grandmother. She needs 24/7 care now and we all - children & grandchildren - muck in & take turns because we love her to pieces. If she hadn't had kids none of us would be here.

So yes I can see that there are long-term advantages. Still don't want kids though.

Empress - sorry I'm losing track so probably said this here already...

I have a 94 year old former neighbour, now in a care home. Before she went into a care home she had plenty of people on a rota to take care of her from her friends. Her husband is long gone and actually she has outlived her child who would not have been well enough to help anyway.

but she is a terrific woman so has a lot of friends and neighbours looking out for her. It was a tough call for her to go in a home because we were doing quite well as a team looking after her.

so your lovely grandma might have been the same even if she hadn't had kids.

having kids/grandkids doesn't necessarily mean care, for all kinds of reasons. My sister won't be doing any. I will only do it for my mum and not my dad. My mum will probably object because she won't want me interrupting my life etc.

also, if I had kids and I needed care, I would probably prefer they got on with the good things in life. I guess if it's working as a part of a team it's different, but not full time care.

The "tribe" I referred to upthread is a good thing. But it often has no genetic link.

My great-aunt didn't have kids, Lorelei, & she gets looked after by lovely neighbours just like you lot.

I liked the bit about your tribe. I have a fabulous bunch of friends who are like that - for the past 20 years or so we've all been watching out for each other.

I just realised the tribe stuff was on the other thread - oops!

I absolutely did not want kids. I was having a great life, work and pleasure travel, great job, loved being child free.
At 38 that suddenly changed.

Now 18 years later I can look back at how motherhood has transformed me.
I will never be the same person again, and an experience I very nearly missed.
I am very glad I became a mother.

Magic I didn't intend to imply that hormones mean you don't have a brain. I intended it as an equivalent to following your head/following your heart (but slightly more biological).

I believe that if my hormones says "I want a baby" but my brain says "I think a baby would make my life worse", I would go with what the brain says, not what the body says.

That's not the choice everyone makes, but it's the choice I think I would make.

Maybe the feeling of broodiness is so strong that you would do anything to placate it.

If so, I am definitely not going to encourage that feeling, or open myself up to it, because my brain still thinks that having a baby would make my life worse. So why would I put myself in that position?

I really identify with you OP.

I love and need time on my own, and so the thought of having a child needing me 24/7 fills me with horror. We'd have zero family support, all our family are hundreds of miles away.

On the other hand as an only child myself, I do sort of love the idea of being part of a bigger family, and having children bustling around. Of being part of something bigger than just me.

I am also a huge people pleaser, and I know my parents and other family members would love me to have a child. I really feel the pressure there.

However essentially I am just not at all broody, and can see so many more cons than prod to having a child. I do love the idea of a squishy, cuddly baby, but at the sane time am very aware of the flipside of sleepless nights and unstoppable crying.

DP says he'd consider it if I really wanted one, but I know he would prefer not.

So my default decision is no children, and I try to feel positive about it, focus on travel, hobbies, quality time with DP, and with some very precious childless friends.

But as I progress through my 30s I can never really stop turning the question over and over, wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I hate the pressure of the biological clock.

I'd give anything to be able to peek into child-free and child-ful(?) versions of my future and see which one would be better for me.