Not wanting children... How did you know for sure

[Labyrinthian]

Background - mid 30s. Together 15 years. Lots of nieces and nephews, friends with children. Play a team sport where we regularly mind/ watch/ chat to all ages of children.

For years we put aside idea of kids - when we get married, when we move country, when we buy a house then we will think about it. But...

Reality is I've never ever been broody. No interest at all. I enquire about my friends kids, appear v interested, but honestly I don't have a real interest in having my own. (I should say kids seem to love me, even babies, unknown why, but even stroppy teenagers like me).

He is worse than me, really no interest at all. Has a huge moan every time one of our friends gets pregnant and always assumesits an accident! Basically mindset of 17 year old (oh and he's great, I'm just being honest about this side of him).

So as far as I see it we are not good candidates for parenthood, but society says otherwise. So does my family.

I feel like we are at decision age. I don't like the risk that either of us would be bitter if we had kids, and I don't mind ignoring the mainstream view of society...

But has anyone felt they really missed put and regret it later in life? Or was anyone like us but then has a surprise pregnancy that changed everything?

I will be inheriting a business and property and feel guilty that I am being given this, but would not have a family to pass it to (as I know how my parents would like me to have kids)

I am not saying you should or shouldn't do anything. I was just pointing out this weird phenomenon that I have personally experienced others have noted. This is obviously not scientific! I always liked babies but like you wasn't sure I wanted the commitment of kids at one point. My husband was very keen. I am not sure what finally tipped the balance for me but it wasn't only his views.We have family friends who swore blind they would never have children who have ended up never being apart from their children to the extent they are now homeschooling their kids. I have had friends whose one goal was to become a mum and admitted the experience didn't live up to their expectations. Not that they regretted it but it wasn't fulfilling or whatever in the way they expected or was much harder etc. (Or at least if they have regretted it they aren't admitting it.)

You can only make the best decision for yourself that you can at the time. Sorry if that sounds trite but there is actually no answer here.

OVienna "You can only make the best decision for yourself that you can at the time"

agree. I think what happens is a lot of people base decisions on what they think will happen later - the much publicised "regret".

OP I was in almost exactly the same situation as you at your age (a bit older now). Eventually realised that neither of us really wanted children but had been reluctant to say so definitively in case the other did. Finally sat down and talked about it and agreed that we didn't want children - never had done much and we'd both got less and less keen on the idea as time passed. I felt liberated - have been much happier ever since.

'You can only make the best decision for yourself that you can at the time"

Absolutely right. You cannot predict how you may feel in the future, whatever decision you make.

No-one ever greets news of a pregnancy with 'oh gosh but what if you regret it?', even thought regretting having had children is certainly not unheard of!

I have just always known. It sounds odd but I just don't see the point. I can't explain it any better than that.

When I was younger, about 7, my best friend's mum had a baby and we went to see her in hospital. This baby was shoved into my arms and I was forced to pose for photographs. I remember holding this surprisingly heavy baby and thinking 'Why would anyone want one? I don't want one'. I've made that sound quite flippant but it wasn't. It was like a dawning realisation. Like the moment in Sixth Sense when Bruce Willis realises he's actually dead

Throughout my teenage years friend's parents continued to have children then my friends started to have their own in the later years of school and college. Still I always thought what is the point, I don't want one.

Of course I've been told from all directions that I'll change my mind, which is patronising and offensive. It's only now in my early 30s that I really feel people are starting to take me seriously in my conviction that I definitely don't want children. Some have commented that it's a 'shame' because me and DH have stable, well-paid jobs, we have a lovely house and are very happy. I think it'd be more of a shame to fuck that all up with an unwanted child personally.

As my school friends' children now become teenagers and my work colleagues begin to have babies, I find myself surrounded by children. If I'm being completely honest I find them completely boring and really annoying. I look at the lives of my friends and colleagues with children and I just think it's absolutely not for me. I appreciate that they have their good times, they have this unconditional love and they feel their lives are now complete but I don't want any single aspect of being a parent, not even the good stuff. I don't want someone to love me unconditionally, it sounds stifling.

People say it's different with your own but I think why take the fucking risk.

Exactly 90day. I've had my seriously broody moments but when I'm feeling cheerfully childfree, I think 'we have a lovely life full of lovely things. Why on earth would we throw a hand grenade into the middle of it by having a baby?!' it would be madness

You don't even have the unconditional love of your children either - it's the parents that are meant to do the unconditional loving, not the other way around! I agree that having a relationship with anyone where their joy is your joy and their pain is your heartache sound stifling

Same here, I just always knew. I remember saying it at 18, 21 etc. and always getting the reply 'Oh, you'll change your mind when all your friends start having them'. Well, lo & behold, all (bar one) of my friends (she is also childfree by choice), do have children and I never changed my mind. I don't dislike children, I love my nephew and my godchildren and I think I'm pretty good around children (well, they seem to like me..) but for me it was always enough in small doses. I'm not the most patient person, I'm quite selfish, I like a tidy house, I like going out to the theatre/ballet, Iike holidays, I like doing things on a whim, I like peace, I like a pile of Sunday papers and a pot of tea & 4 hours to read them. Luckily my DP is the same & never wanted them either. It's just a lack of interest on my part to be a parent - soft play, parties, face painting - things I see all over facebook - are just not me. But yes, I know this is just a stage and I can also the pride with which parents of teenagers talk about their children's achievements, a uni place, a job etc. But for me it was never a debate in my mind.

I think why take the fucking risk

I'd rather take the risk of regretting not having children (no sign at all of that so far and I'm 10 years older than you), than the risk of having a child and resenting it. If there's going to be a risk of someone being made miserable by my bad decision, I would rather it was me than a child that had no choice in the matter.

I like children, love my nieces and nephews, but have absolutely zero sense of anything missing from my life without them.

I didn't want them didnt want them didnt want them..

Got pregnant at 19.. wanted it... miscarriage..

Looking back, best thing that could have happened, I'd have made an awful parent I think.

Now at 36, I actually can't have them, the chances are pregnancy would kill me, if it didn't id almost certainly pass on my disabilities to the child and my disabilities mean I couldn't look after a child all that well (thats partly to do with me being me mind you)...

Now htat I can't have them.. a bit of me is sort of 'oh but... oh...' but no where NEAR enough to mean i SHOULD have had them or should find a way and I am certain is a reaction to being told 'can't' rather than any real desire to do so.

I like them more than I did and I am genuinely interested in other peoples small people, more so my friends than random ones of course.. but no, I really don't regret what 'might have been' and now certainly never will!

I have a ds and am expecting next baby in March next year. I have always wanted children.

I will admit I never understood anyone choosing not to have children when I have always wanted them.

Then I met my friend's sister and her partner. They lead a happy, busy, very cool lifestyle. They go on skiing holidays and have a wide circle of friends. They say they enjoy life and don't want the responsibility of children.

I really respect them. They are content in life and won't have children just because of pressure to do so. They enjoy their life together.

I wouldn't change having my son (and baby on the way) as he is utterly wonderful and we enjoy him so much. However, I respect that some people don't want children and so don't bring little people into the world. Best way to avoid unwanted children.

Wanted children but knew it would be a mistake.

I felt exactly the same. Looked at all the child free by choice websites, the whole shebang.

Then I came off the pill to give my body a break. Broodiness and sheer longing for a child was the result. I'd no idea that hormonal contraception could take away broodiness, but it did for me (maybe I am just weird, I don't know).

DD is now 6 and the best thing ever. Life becomes fresh and exciting again, and we had a bloody brilliant life pre DD, full of travel and stuff.
there is something so magical about seeing the world and everything we take for granted through a child's eyes.

I would recommend that anyone who wants to be child free comes off hormonal contraception and checks that they still feel the same way.

47, no children, have never wanted any. Not interested in other people's either. Never been broody, no biological clock thing.

I'm 51, me and DH don't have DC. I'd endorse the previous poster who suggested that you own your status and see it as a positive. I'd also suggest actively seeking out childfree friends.

Your 30s is a difficult time as that's peak sprogging time - everyone around you seems to be pregnant or with toddlers. Fast forward a few years though and now in my early fifties - children are much less of a concern/issue among people I meet, because most of the parents are now heartily glad to be waving them off to Uni or having a break from teeange strops (and yes, I do realise there are some delightful teens out there). Joking aside, those early years of parenting are all consuming and of course life changing, and are when I think the gap is widest between parents and non parents.

For us, we've concentrated on building a life that works for us - the majority of our friends are also childfree (though I do have some friends who are parents). One happy effect of getting older is that nosey people stop asking you about DC. It's immensely helpful to have a stock answer prepared (can be as rude as you like!) for the inevitable questions, and it's also helpful to be very clear with parents so that you manage expectations around grandchildren etc.

I've also learned (through some pretty bruising moments) to be much much tougher about it and not being under ANY obligation to discuss my family planning with anyone other than DH. Back in my 30s I grew a slightly thicker skin and got a dose of attitude and it really helped.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

I am in my late 30’s and I have just never felt any sense of broodiness or baby fever. I have been with my partner for 16 years and have a great relationship, I guess when I was younger I kind of assumed I would have them but was always kicking the decision into the long grass, but of course now I don’t have any long grass left!

A few years ago I discovered I had a genetic problem that would make having a healthy child without intervention difficult, as both DP and myself were ambivalent about children even without this extra hurdle I looked at it in quite an analytical way.
I read a lot books about becoming a mother, not becoming a mother, forums and articles to try and get some idea of what it would really be like. I researched the medical intervention we would need to have a healthy baby. I paid close attention to my feelings when my friends and family members had babies and to my feelings and experiences of being around young children.

I considered my personality type, my need for time alone, and dislike of being intruded upon. I was through my 20’s and 30’s a carer for a relative and while I did work, my career was very much on the back burner during this time so I thought about all I still longed to do with my life that a child might hinder or help me towards. I thought about my relationship and how it might change. How it would be to grow old without children. I tried endlessly to weight the pros and cons of becoming a mother and in the end my feeling is you either really want one and know it in your bones or you don’t and the only reason to choose motherhood is because you want to raise a child regardless of any reward.

I just didn’t feel that way; I am sure if I had become a mother I would have loved my child and that I would have been a good (enough) mother but it’s not a choice I could make especially not considering my circumstances and the intervention I would need to go through. That too bothered me, surely if I wanted a child enough the risks and the intervention would not put me off so easily, but they do. I also think that as another recent thread here suggests I suspect I would have loved my child but that I would have not loved being a parent.

I am at peace with my choice and I have a good life but I do acknowledge that there is a loss there and that by not having children I am missing out on a major life experience and the love of a mother for her children. I dislike the polarization between the childfree and parents sometimes in evidence online as if there is only one correct choice. Nobody can have it all, we close the door on certain possibilities when we choose one course of action over another but there are always other possibilities that remain open to us and we have to make the best life possible for ourselves regardless of what we choose and what happens to us.

Kimono77 - lovely post

I was 34 and hadn't ever wanted kids but ended up pregnant while on the pill. I had seen friends really struggle after abortions, some for many years, and selfishly didn't want to do that to myself. Was the best decision I ever made. Life changed dramatically but in a good way. I swore after my Dd I was having no more but at 39 I realised I wanted a sibling for my Dd but now it seems too late for me. At 41 it's just not happened and it breaks my heart. I never ever expected to have or want children and my friends would say I was the least likely to have any. I really regret not trying sooner. I totally respect others choices not to but know of so many like me struggling because they changed their minds too late.

I would recommend that anyone who wants to be child free comes off hormonal contraception and checks that they still feel the same way.

Lesbian, I've never been on hormonal contraception (or any other kind). My lack of maternal instinct is 100% organic

Empress - well that blows my theory out of the water

47, no children, have never wanted any. Not interested in other people's either. Never been broody, no biological clock thing.

Other than a couple of years' difference in age, this is me. And I came off hormonal contraception in my early thirties and if anything have become more sure I made the right decision since then. No regrets whatsoever. And it's nothing to do with having a "cool lifestyle" - we have quite a challenging time due to various health issues and what we can afford and are fit to do is quite limited, but at least partly because of that, not having children was absolutely the right choice for me.

When I looked at friends having babies and thought it looked an absolute bore.
Even now (aged 44) I can't be assed to "like" pregnancy announcements on Facebook cos my gut reaction is "you've fucked your life up". Even when it's not their first my thoughts are, "wow you were just getting out of this stage and now you're doing it again?" The last time I saw it, the mother to be was halfway through a late degree with a ten and a four year old and announced twins! I could have wept for her. I'm sure she was ecstatic but I got all these, "what will you do now?" Feelings.

Usually the conception has been by "accident"

I've been married twice (stil happily so to DH2) had step kids in first marriage and resented it greatly. Happy to be child free (bar the scary child free forums!!!)

I can spend a few hours with close friends' children, even helping my close friend out by going to sports day with hers this year but full time? I'd rather serve actual time in jail lol!

im 43 and chilfree by choice. I actually had someone say to me this week. "Why havent you got children......a nice lady like you.

I just told him straight (old Italian bloke) that i didnt want them and never have.

As i get older i find i care less about what other people think of my choice.

I've suffered severe OCD since i was 5, with extreme germphobia about bodily fluids. It wasn't a "choice" for me, i know i could never cope with a dirty nappy, i've only just got past having to take a shower every time i used the toilet (even just for a wee) myself. Heaven forbid a child peed/pooped on me mid change, or a nappy leaked, they had an accident when potty training, or they wet the bed etc. I'd be a quivvering wreck in the corner somewhere thinking how i'd have to bleach the entire house and throw everything the pee/poop had touched away as it can't be sufficiently cleaned. (in my head, i know it can be sanitised, but OCD isn't rational) There is also a definite familial link of OCD in my family that gets worse with each generation. I couldn't risk giving this to a child, i wouldn't be able to live with myself. That's not even getting in to the loss of bladder control from pregnancy/birth.

Hm. I've had a lifetime phobia about messy eating. It's more under control than it used to be but the sight of someone with food on their face can still start me retching. If I wanted kids I guess I'd have had to have therapy for that, but as it is it does mean I avoid them around mealtimes as much as possible.