Not wanting children... How did you know for sure

[Labyrinthian]

Background - mid 30s. Together 15 years. Lots of nieces and nephews, friends with children. Play a team sport where we regularly mind/ watch/ chat to all ages of children.

For years we put aside idea of kids - when we get married, when we move country, when we buy a house then we will think about it. But...

Reality is I've never ever been broody. No interest at all. I enquire about my friends kids, appear v interested, but honestly I don't have a real interest in having my own. (I should say kids seem to love me, even babies, unknown why, but even stroppy teenagers like me).

He is worse than me, really no interest at all. Has a huge moan every time one of our friends gets pregnant and always assumesits an accident! Basically mindset of 17 year old (oh and he's great, I'm just being honest about this side of him).

So as far as I see it we are not good candidates for parenthood, but society says otherwise. So does my family.

I feel like we are at decision age. I don't like the risk that either of us would be bitter if we had kids, and I don't mind ignoring the mainstream view of society...

But has anyone felt they really missed put and regret it later in life? Or was anyone like us but then has a surprise pregnancy that changed everything?

I will be inheriting a business and property and feel guilty that I am being given this, but would not have a family to pass it to (as I know how my parents would like me to have kids)

The hormonal contraception thing is real. When you're using it, you're not ovulating, so the biological urge to procreate simply doesn't exist. Happened to me, came off the pill, was hit with a sledgehammer of broodiness. It has happened to a friend who swore from 17 she never wanted children and was 100% secure in that. She came off the pill at 37 and had a complete U-turn.

Having said that, I also think that you have to really want a child if you're going down that road. If you don't want one, don't do it to fit into some societal expectation.

I would recommend that anyone who wants to be child free comes off hormonal contraception and checks that they still feel the same way.

I prefer to make my decisions with my brain.

Trills - we are mammals, we have a biological instinct to procreate. My hormones made me incredibly broody.

My brain tells me you're incredibly rude.

I'm 28 and came off the pill about three years ago. I occasionally wonder whether I'm going to decide I want kids, but I haven't actually actively wanted them yet. And even if I did start wanting them, I can't see it suddenly being a great idea to have some. I don't think of children when picturing the next five+ years.

My own experience begins much as 90day explains hers. ZERO interest in babies as a kid, ZERO interest in babies as a teen, ZERO intent to become a parent as i hit my twenties. Throughout all this my best mate since primary school was the opposite. Meeting a mother with a new baby and a dog by the pram - she'd have her head in the pram, i'd be down on one knee fussing the dog.

Fast forward 20 years (to shorten my ramblings) and i've got 4 kids and she's got none. I fell for DD1 despite being on the pill and never looked back. Loved motherhood. (She watched me cope with 3 under 5 in my early 20s and i sometimes wonder if i put her off!? ) I still can't really stand other peoples kids - i make a damn good job of hiding it though.

My 2nd DH did a complete U turn about wanting kids in his early 30s and we ended up having one together. My no.4.

No helpful answers for OP, but interesting thread.

Magic "My brain tells me you're incredibly rude."

oddly enough I got that vibe from you.

Just a point re "giving the body a break from contraception".

There's no medical need for this and if you are taking a pill that requires a week long break then you are doing this on a regular basis. I'm single atm anyway but I wanted to say that because there's quite a high abortion rate among women in their 30s/40s thinking they either need to give their body a break or that they don't need to be careful with contraception due to being 40+. I get very huffy with the publicity effectively telling women they won't get pregnant later, it's led to a lot of trouble and I'd like to see a public health campaign on this in fact.

Had to interrupt the general chat as I would hate it if anyone reading this went through a horrible experience on account of the myths that do the rounds with this stuff.

sorry, as you were....

I would recommend that anyone who wants to be child free comes off hormonal contraception and checks that they still feel the same way.

Have been off it for about 10 years. Made no difference at all to my desire to be child free.

I've known all my life that I don't want children. I can remember telling my friends that I wasn't going to be a mummy when I was 4!

I'm in my early 40s now and still don't want any and don't regret my choices at all. I'm an early years teacher so I spend a lot of time with young children, and enjoy my time with them, but it's just not for me! After a busy day with 30 under 5s it is lovely to come back to a quiet home with just me and my DP.

For me it was never a decision that I made, just something I always knew about myself.

Trills - we are mammals, we have a biological instinct to procreate. My hormones made me incredibly broody.

Magic - SOME of us have a biological instinct to procreate. Your hormones made you incredibly broody but mine, & those of other women on this theead, had other priorities. At 43 & with a life that has no space in it whatsoever for kids, I think if I had a sudden rush of broodiness now my brain would be shuddering in horror and hoping it went away soon.

Just to clarify, I'm not saying any woman on the pill can't be sure they don't want children. I am saying, and this has been proven, that the female brain is massively affected by ovarian hormones. Which explains why females are at a far higher risk of developing mental health problems in puberty, pregnancy, postnatally and perimenopause. And why hormonal contraception lists certain possible non-physical side effects.
Of course anyone who knows they don't want children knows their own mind! I'm not suggesting otherwise.

I did say that the broodiness after coming off hormones was just my experience. And I would recommend it to anyone unsure if they want children, because some people feel differently about wanting kids when they come off it.

I didn't come off hormonal contraception under the belief I wouldn't get pregnant - I replaced it with the copper coil as I did not want kids. When I started ovulating again, I did want kids. Simple as that.

My hormones seemed to change my thinking. Apologies for stating that mammals want to procreate - I did not mean all of us, rather that as a species we do, and some people get the hormonal desire for children very strongly.

Everyone obviously knows their own mind, and I did say that maybe I am just weird that this happened to me.

I hope that covers it. Apologies for any offence caused. I wish I hadn't posted quite frankly.

Magic

Truce?

Magic "I wish I hadn't posted quite frankly."

I'm glad you did. I wasn't suggesting you in particular were going sans contraception, I just wanted to dispel that "giving body a break from the pill" thing in case anyone gets pregnant using condoms only - condoms only being about as useful, as, er......condoms?

but I admit, "come off the pill and you might feel differently" is new one for the bingo card!

Nobody can have it all, we close the door on certain possibilities when we choose one course of action over another but there are always other possibilities that remain open to us and we have to make the best life possible for ourselves regardless of what we choose and what happens to us.

Wow what a great outlook, thanks for posting kimono77

Magic it's a valid point of view that you have first hand experience of. people may find it helpful so i would be glad you posted.

OP, now in our 40's. Neither of us had the urge for children, it just never happened. I ended up having the snip in my mid 30's (i think) after much soul searching from both of us, it would have been awful to have got pregnant by accident and then not feel the way parents should.

After much asking\research the only reason i found why people want kids is "because they do". It's not a logic based decision.

I desperately desperately wanted children, it was a physical pain, and it took years to conceive DD. I love her to pieces and am happy with my choice, but speaking logically I know I would be very happy indeed if I had never wanted a child.

If I hadn't wanted children I would have been promoted, still be working full time with prospect of a full pension, DH and I would have more time together, I could see my friends more, I would have time energy and money to pursue hobbies, I wouldn't have scarring and bowel problems as a result of a disastrous labour, holidays would be cocktails in Key West not battling nap times and hair washing in centerparcs, and I wouldn't spend every day fretting and worrying about DD. I don't regret having her because I needed to have a child, and she's fab, but I really do think people shouldn't have children just because society thinks that's what you do, you should need to do it with every fibre of your being.

Lorelei - you're glad I posted? Then make a dig that one of my comments is a new one for a bingo card?

Not sure what you say to people who you wish hadn't posted.

I made the mistake of posting on AIBU to give a genuine point of view to the OP.

Trills was rude in implying that hormones mean you no longer have a brain.

And you thought I was rude for pulling her up in it, whilst then going on to be rude yourself.

Yeah, I'll save the posting next time unless I am 100% agreeing with the party line.

And thank you LogicallyLost

Magic, I appreciate that you meant no harm by your original comment. However, I understand why other posters may have heard it as yet another version of the 'you'll change your mind' type comments that childfree people often hear. Its hard to overstate how unbearably patronising and intensely wearing it is to hear stuff like that over and over again. That may have been why your reference to coming off the pill got people's backs up. I know you didn't mean it that way but I see both sides

Lotta - I'm well aware of what child free people hear. I was one for the longest time and felt exactly the same as the majority of the views expressed here.

Then I changed my mind. That doesn't mean anyone else has to change their's. I didn't say that, or even think it.

I just know that I was gutted when I came off the pill to then feel I wanted a child so much, and knowing that time had nearly run out.

I would hate for that to happen to someone else and it actually be too late. That is ALL I was thinking.

Still, as I said, I thought I might be helping. Stupid me!

Lol at "come off hormonal contraception and you'll change your mind" bingo!

Nope, didn't work - honestly!

No kids - not you as well. It is mean to laugh at other people. Did your parents never teach you that?

Don't have them.

Some of those friends who 'only decided' in their 40s that they wanted children may have actually wanted them for years and been unsuccessful conceiving. Not everyone shares this side of their lives. I suspect quite a few of my friends thought I'd decided to have children several years after I actually had - we just weren't lucky.

If you don't want them, don't have them.

I only realised I wanted kids when I was told I couldn't. All of a sudden a meh, maybe one day became a never and that totally changed my outlook.

But I don't think there's an overall right or wrong choice, just what's right for you.