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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They don't want to reply and its going to cause a shit storm

102 replies

stripesstpots · 13/09/2016 02:04

Dc have a difficult relationship with exh. Broken promises, let downs, no money for visits, birthdays or maintainence but plenty for nights out with mates and stuff for him (all over Facebook).

Eventually visits stopped altogether, no calls either and a yearly text usually about him.

Fast forward to Saturday a decade on and a sudden message wanting to know them, expecting the kids to pick up where he left off all those years ago. The kids don't even want to reply and he's going to go bonkers because its his RIGHT and he's their Dad and he doesn't see he has done anything wrong.

But I feel the youngest being 14 who doesn't even remember him is old enough to decide right?

OP posts:
JellyBelli · 13/09/2016 02:06

At that age they are old enough te remember and make their own mind up.
Why should they want to risk yet more disappointment?

Tell him 'You're late. A year late. They're annoyed about that'.

kali110 · 13/09/2016 02:11

No he's a decade too late.

joellevandyne · 13/09/2016 02:30

"I've passed your contact details on to the kids, and if they want to get in touch with you, they will. Given how much interest you've shown in them in the last decade, I wouldn't hold my breath, but it's up to them."

ThriftyMama · 13/09/2016 02:33

It is his right to see his children, rather it was a decade ago.

At 14 and up they are old enough to decide for themselves, let them know that you will be supportive of their decision (whatever that is) and if they chose not to see him explain to him that they do not wish to see him at the moment but you will talk to them and let him know if/when things change. That way you are not the bad guy further down the line (I wasn't around because your mum wouldn't let me see you, etc) and you sound supportive of his efforts which hopefully means he won't accuse you of turning them against him if they say no and causing you and your children unwarranted grief/upset.
For the record I think he has zero rights, you only get to have rights when you fullfil your responsibilities

DixieWishbone · 13/09/2016 02:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/09/2016 02:47

If he goes on about his rights, remind him that the court is only interested in what is in the best interests of the children, not parental rights.

StillaChocoholic · 13/09/2016 02:56

I was about 15 when I decided I didn't want anything to do with my dad after he constantly let me and my brother down. They are definitely old enough to decide for themselves.
It was definitely the right decision for me.

katemess12 · 13/09/2016 03:11

If they don't want to reply and don't want anything to do with him, that's how it is. They're old enough to make that choice (legally and otherwise).

MephistoMarley · 13/09/2016 03:17

Why does it have to cause a shitstorm? I mean why does it have to affect any of you? Yes he may be angry but you don't have to witness any of that. It's not your problem.

Original poster
stripesstpots · 13/09/2016 05:26

It will cause a shitstorm because he isn't a big fan of the word no.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 13/09/2016 05:37

If your children haven't seen him for 10 years, why do you even know what he's doing in Facebook?

Cabrinha · 13/09/2016 05:38

(what an arsehole, btw)

Finlaggan · 13/09/2016 05:40

Your children have heard no for a very long time now, I wouldn't be overly concerned about his feelings tbh. He's the adult, he always has been, he is going to have to live with the outcome of the choices he has made for the last 10 years. He may reflect or he may continue to be a man child about it, either way it's not your fault or fortunately your concern.

The suggested message above sounds like an ideal response.
You sound like a great supportive mum, your children are lucky to have one great parent. Best of luck.

Cabrinha · 13/09/2016 05:50

I think the reply above is good, but a better one is just not to reply at all.
What do you / they normally do to the yearly text?

How can someone not in your lives cause any kind of shitstorm? You can all ignore and block.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 13/09/2016 06:16

Does he honestly and truly not think he's done anything wrong? I find that hard to believe! I think you would be failing in your duty as a parent if you didn't give your kids some sort of warning against trying to build a relationship with this unreliable arsehole. And yes, as a pp said, stop looking at his Facebook!! Its been so many years, time to move on.

MargaretCabbage · 13/09/2016 06:24

After years of being let down, my dad completely disappeared when I was 10, and then turned up at my 13th birthday party. I refused to speak to him, he made a few angry phone calls, but then disappeared again. He couldn't be bothered to do anything else, and I've never seen him since though I've had the odd message from relatives on his behalf asking me to get in touch with him.

I would imagine your children's dad will be the same, it will all be too much effort after an initial rant and he'll go away again.

40somethingwonderful · 13/09/2016 06:31

Kids are old enough to decide. Thrifty has given good advice.

LozzaChops · 13/09/2016 06:41

Another one here whose father was very similar. I was 12/13 and absolutely knew my own mind on the issue - I have never regretted it since.

I don't think anyone can force contact on a 14 year old can they?

I second the suggestion of telling him they have his contact details if they ever want them. That's what my mother did.

Original poster
stripesstpots · 13/09/2016 06:55

It is usually Christmas when he texts so they just usually just ask me to reply with Merry Christmas

He added the older one to Facebook a few years ago as a way of contacting them. Only rarely did but they can see his posts. I think he forgets they can though as he likes splashing the cash on himself and his mates then saying he's too skint to buy them anything. Only the post from his mates thanking him for x,y,z let him down.

He isn't the type of person to accept no without a massive temper tantrum and he is also not the type of person to listen to their feelings. It is all about him. Blocking him would just spill it out into RL possibly. He isn't a very nice person Sad although he fully believes he is and can do no wrong.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 13/09/2016 07:30

He doesn't like the word No? So what?

You presumably haven't seen him for 10 years. why do you care what he does?

Your dc are the ones who will be telling him No, and yes at 14 your youngest is well old enough. (My 11yo was asked what he wanted, in my divorce)

If he kicks off, what do you think will happen?

mouldycheesefan · 13/09/2016 07:38

Unless he turns up on your doorstep, which seems unlikely given he hasn't seen the kids for ten years, then it makes no difference what tantrums he has. De friend in FB, block his number and block his texts. Get in with your life as you have done without giving him headspace.

PerspicaciaTick · 13/09/2016 07:40

So he is going to have a temper tantrum if he doesn't get his own way? Ignore it. He'll tire himself out, he evidently doesn't have much sticking power.

JudyCoolibar · 13/09/2016 07:56

A temper tantrum isn't going to affect you unless he turns up on your doorstep, is it? You can all block him from your phones and email. If he does turn up on your doorstep shouting the odds, call the police.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 13/09/2016 08:15

Text him - tell him the YOUNG ADULTS that he abandoned as children have no interest in seeing him. He can throw the biggest, ugliest strop he likes he doesn't live at yours, you don't have to see it. Nor do you have to answer the phone to him or reply to texts. Just ignore him.

hippydippybaloney · 13/09/2016 08:21

I would hazard a guess he's got a new partner and is trying to look like a wonderful dad fighting to see his kids through no fault of his own. Rather than looking like the cunt he is.

They're old enough to make their own minds up and aren't missing anything. It sounds like they've got all the parent they need in you.