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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They don't want to reply and its going to cause a shit storm

102 replies

stripesstpots · 13/09/2016 02:04

Dc have a difficult relationship with exh. Broken promises, let downs, no money for visits, birthdays or maintainence but plenty for nights out with mates and stuff for him (all over Facebook).

Eventually visits stopped altogether, no calls either and a yearly text usually about him.

Fast forward to Saturday a decade on and a sudden message wanting to know them, expecting the kids to pick up where he left off all those years ago. The kids don't even want to reply and he's going to go bonkers because its his RIGHT and he's their Dad and he doesn't see he has done anything wrong.

But I feel the youngest being 14 who doesn't even remember him is old enough to decide right?

OP posts:
Original poster
stripesstpots · 13/09/2016 11:26

Just wanted to add just because he's not seen the dc in years and has hs rarely messaged and never rang them doesn't mean i haven't had crap off him over the years. I have valid reasons to be worried about his temper Sad

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 13/09/2016 11:50

Oh I'm sure you have. He sounds delightful Hmm!

But ultimately your kids don't have to see him if they don't want to and you are probably going to have to deal with that. The only way to avoid a shitstorm would be to comply with his every whim (and even then he would probably move the goalposts all the time)and that wouldn't be fair to your children and is certainly not sending them a good message about how his behaviour should be dealt with.

scallopsrgreat · 13/09/2016 11:52

Perhaps have a few stock phrases to repeat at him

"No, that will not be happening"
"I will deal with you when you speak to me civilly"
"This conversation is at an end"

etc etc

Just a few off the top of my head. I'm sure others will have better suggestions.

mouldycheesefan · 13/09/2016 11:57

But why would you even speak to him? Don't answer the phone, block his number.
Call,police if he shows up at door

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2016 12:07

A friend of mine had a very similar situation. Her teenage DCs wrote a formal letter to him, and his solicitor, saying that they didn't want to see him again because of his behaviour.

He shut up completely after that. No more demands.

Memoires · 13/09/2016 12:11

I thought it wasn't his right but their right to see him. That's a very important difference which you should point out to him very clearly. At their ages they can decide if they want to take up that right.

Original poster
stripesstpots · 13/09/2016 12:19

Mouldy because i have always been afraid that if I didn't keep open lines of contact it would spill over. He doesn't know where we are but he knows where my siblings are. Also he has a huge family network. I don't and would have no backup that i hadn't been the one preventing him seeing the children if I just cut contact.
Ive always kept the door open or meeting in a public place until they were old enough to decide for themselves. Now I support them but i am scared of the fallout. Even after a decade it is hard not to still be fearful.

OP posts:
SlideAway82 · 13/09/2016 12:21

If you haven't already replied then just ignore it. He can't suddenly pop back up into their lives and start demanding things - it doesn't work like that.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/09/2016 12:22

How much child support does he owe you?

QueenLizIII · 13/09/2016 12:26

I don't think courts in the UK force parental contact on children over the age of 14 do they?

No they wont force anything. Especially not when the child of 14 has not seen his father since he was 14 and barely remembers him.

I he issued an application for a contact orders for children aged 14,15,16, a Judge would probably laugh in his face.

LagunaBubbles · 13/09/2016 12:29

Your children are old enough to decide now. What kind of shitstorm do you fear, I get you saying you are still scared of him but what can he actually do to you? You shouldn't have to live your live with this level of fear.

TendonQueen · 13/09/2016 12:47

So go to the police if he gets threatening. The solicitor's letter from the kids as Prawn said sounds like a good idea.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2016 13:00

Do not reply at all then.

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/09/2016 13:03

Prawn's idea is a good one. It sounds as though he had you very frightened of him, OP (I'm worried about what you mean by his "not being a big fan of no"), and I'm not surprised you're still frightened years later. But he has no power, and you've done a brilliant job because your kids know that even if it's harder for you. He has no rights and no power. If he's prepared to go to the trouble and expense of going to court after his track record, I'll eat my hat. And if he did and a judge found in his favour, I'll also eat my coat, boots and peignoir.

You have nothing to fear from this cowardly piece of shit loser. Take your kids' examples. One formal letter to inform him that there will be no contact and then just that, including Facebook and the rest. Inform the police if you are worried for your safety but he sounds too lazy and self obsessed to bother. We've all managed to cut ties at some point with a friend we no longer wished to see, well this is no different.

Memoires · 13/09/2016 13:05

Dear X, the children have the right to have a relationship with their dad, it is not the right of the dad to see the children; it is therefore up to them whether they avail themslves of that right. They know how to contact you if they wish to do so. I shall support them in their decisions whatever they each choose to do.

That covers your arse.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 13/09/2016 13:08

op please don't let this man control you after a decade of leaving him. The second he gets abusive call the police and tell him what your doing.

He is a bully and bullies need exposing. Do not force or cajole your kids into seeing this prick.

Let him kick off, let his family get involved just call the police.

Men like this really boil my piss.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 13/09/2016 13:09

memoires is right. It's not the right of the father to see the kids. It's always the kids right to see their parents. They don't want to.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 13/09/2016 13:11

op if he was abusive maybe some advice of women's aid could help. Not sure if they can but worth trying

RayofFuckingSunshine · 13/09/2016 13:17

He doesn't have any rights. He has legal responsibilities and the CHILDREN have a right to contact with him. They don't want that right and by the sounds of it he has done Bugger all about his legal responsibilities.

If he did go to court a judge would tell him no. The kids are old enough to choose themselves and he hasn't done any favours for himself by ignoring them for a decade.

I appreciate you're scared of him, but I want you to consider right now what is the absolute worst thing that he can do about this. He doesn't know where you are. You have siblings? They'd call the police, but frankly if he can't be bothered to see his kids for ten years he is hardly going to put the effort in to cause problems for other people, especially as the only reason he can cause problems for you is due to you being so worried. I know, I had an ex just like this and the minute I told him no and I told him to contact me only through my solicitor and that I would see him in court, he disappeared for good.

MLGs · 13/09/2016 13:18

Ignore. If he starts to get abusive or encourages other to intervene speak to thr police.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2016 13:25

Ask your ds what they want, if he isent bothered mabey what prawns has said, can write a formal letter to him and his solicitor telling him he does not want co tact with him, asking him to stop contacting you.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/09/2016 13:28

I agree with people. He has no rights. I think your still scared of him, because of that he is trying to get control. Call the police if he gets abusive.

BabyGanoush · 13/09/2016 13:34

I think thrifty's advice on page 1 is solid.

Basically, pretend to be very calm, pretend to go along with it. Give the info to the kids. They can decide. Be super neutral to the X. So he can't lay it at your feet. Then let his attempts die a natural death.

I'd be curious as to why he has a sudden interest! But I guess you'll never know.

toptoe · 13/09/2016 13:40
  1. Children are allowed to choose not to see a parent past a certain age (10 I think) but def by 14. Legally he cannot force them to see him.
  2. He has no 'parental rights'. In law, parents have 'parental responsibility' to maintain their children physically and emotionally. He can have as many tantrums as he likes about his 'rights' but they don't exist.
  3. He sounds like he is anti-social and so does not consider that other people's needs/wants are important. This is why he is banging on about 'rights'. He means: do what I say or else.
  4. If you are afraid he will get physical or if he is harassing you, go to the police. In fact, I would log this with the police already because it sounds like it is the beginning of a phase of harassment.
  5. I would wonder what he wants from the children - is he trying to impress a new gf or is he after setting up future care/income from the children as they become adults? He can't love them in a normal way because of the lack of contact/maintenance/presents etc.
Original poster
stripesstpots · 13/09/2016 14:00

I think he probably has a new gf and is trying to impress.
Although we always said when the kids were teens and could care for themself and run around for him he would be interested.
He is also aware both kids inherit money in a couple of years.

I think the official letter is a good way forward because if no court order is in place legally i am not doing anything illegal if they say no surely?

The last time he had a tantrum was because he wanted to take the kids he hadn't seen for six years at that point away on a week to his then girlfriends house to meet her family when they hadn't seen him in years nor met either the family or girlfriend. He has repeatedly asked for our details including school class to give to his family who dc have never met.

Kids said no and he was mightily cross.

OP posts: