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AIBU?

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Original poster

They don't want to reply and its going to cause a shit storm

102 replies

stripesstpots · 13/09/2016 02:04

Dc have a difficult relationship with exh. Broken promises, let downs, no money for visits, birthdays or maintainence but plenty for nights out with mates and stuff for him (all over Facebook).

Eventually visits stopped altogether, no calls either and a yearly text usually about him.

Fast forward to Saturday a decade on and a sudden message wanting to know them, expecting the kids to pick up where he left off all those years ago. The kids don't even want to reply and he's going to go bonkers because its his RIGHT and he's their Dad and he doesn't see he has done anything wrong.

But I feel the youngest being 14 who doesn't even remember him is old enough to decide right?

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 13/09/2016 08:29

He doesn't like the word no? Doesn't mind telling his kids no though? What a twat!

I'd ignore the message, leave it up to the kids if they want to reply and block him on FB (maybe screen shot some of his cash flashing and bragging just in case)

Can't see what shit storm he can cause unless you think he'll turn up on your doorstep, has he ever done that before? You sound scared of him OP - is he all words or likely to actually do anything bad?

Stripyhoglets · 13/09/2016 08:37

It's never been about his rights though but the childrens. They had a right to see their dad 10 years ago but he chose not to fulfill that obligation to his children, and now they have the right to say they aren't interested in seeing him.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 13/09/2016 08:41

He doesn't like the word "no"?

Prick. I'd take great pleasure in telling him that his children don't want anything to do with him.

GissASquizz · 13/09/2016 08:44

I wouldn't reply at all.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 13/09/2016 08:49

Let him have his tantrum. If you don't engage with it, what has it got to do with you?

StrangeLookingParasite · 13/09/2016 08:52

A decade? FFS.

Lweji · 13/09/2016 08:53

I've let my 11 year old decide.
After gentle encouragement, but I don't think you should be forcing people on your children.
And they sound mature enough to decide.
Let him kick his toys and support your children in their decision and in facing up to the adult bully if necessary.

Lweji · 13/09/2016 08:55

And if he shows up around you making a big fuss or refuses to go, call the police.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/09/2016 08:58

How can you protect yourself from his reaction? Its strikes me that for a man who does not support his kids, or you, you seem to have a high level of fear of his emotional reaction and anger?

This might be a good time to think about this? You do NOT have to deal with his anger, and you might need to think about getting some (cheap) legal advice on this as it cant be that he has this fearful hold over you all after this much time, its not fair

applesvpears · 13/09/2016 08:59

When I was a kid I went through something similar (kind of) and I decided I didn't want to see my dad.

My mum left the decision up to us, she did this with very good intention (and she is the best mums ever) however I wish she had said to me that his still my dad, things can be complicated but he still loves you and you should see him.

HuckfromScandal · 13/09/2016 09:01

You don't actually know he is going to kick off, because you don't know who he is - after a decade.
I think you're stressing about something that may never happen.
IF he does kick off - worry about it then - until then, chill and stop stressing.

PurpleWithRed · 13/09/2016 09:01

I spent years terrified about my ex kicking off: I hate conflict, am rubbish at handling it, and wimped around letting him get away with murder because I didn't want any nasty scenes with him. As you can imagine, he ran rings around me - and around the DC too, which I bitterly regret.

Eventually, with lots of support from a couple of friends, I learned 'so what'. If he has a paddy he has a paddy. If he has a paddy it's because he's a manipulative, emotionally stunted fool. The kids are old enough to support you and to see him for what he is, and if he vents or gets angry it is absolutely no skin off your nose - he just makes himself look a a twat. Don't engage, don't converse, don't argue - have one line and stick to it.

Help your kids decide what they want (presumably not to see him) and support them in this. If he gets nasty with them then help them stick to their guns and not be manipulated by his entitledness. Then you'll know you've done a great Mum job.

DiegeticMuch · 13/09/2016 09:03

He sounds very fickle!

Just say that you've passed his email address to your children and informed them that they're welcome to get in touch.

After that, it's up to them.

Sparkletastic · 13/09/2016 09:05

If the DCs don't want him in their lives I would block his number. He can use FB or write a letter if he wants to stay in touch rather than obliging you to facilitate for him.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 13/09/2016 09:06

A family members dad just tried to pull this shit because she has kids now and he found
Out. Wanted to play doting grandad. She's early 20's and told him to fuck off he was 20 years too late. We were all very proud.

The kids choice if they are over 14. Like thrifty said just tell them It's their choice and you will support them.

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/09/2016 09:07

How did this message arrive?

"It will cause a shitstorm because he isn't a big fan of the word no."

Just how much of a 'shitstorm' can it cause if your DCs are not seeing him and don't talk to him on the phone.

"Blocking him would just spill it out into RL possibly."

It is possible to 'block' someone on fb without them knowing, I believe. I think, rather than remove them as a friend, you adjust your settings so you limit what they see and you don't see their stuff.

Likewise, It is possible to 'block' someone's texts without them knowing,

Do not answer.

Lovewineandchocs · 13/09/2016 09:10

Let him do his worst-probably won't amount to more than a massive temper tantrum. Get the police involved if he harasses or threatens you or the kids. One thing that was always said when I practiced family law-"you don't have a right to see your children, they have a right to see you." Your DC are old enough to choose whether or not to avail of that right-they have chosen not to.

WhooooAmI24601 · 13/09/2016 09:10

As awful as it is, parenting is one of those things where eventually the truth will out. You can be a Disney parent and rock up once a year with gifts and take them to McDonalds, but years down the line when they see through your bullshit and call you on it, there's nothing to salvage. He's going to have to learn that children are either an everyday commitment or nothing at all. Even the days you don't have them, you're their parent. And if you're not, you have no right to bleat when they don't want you.

At their ages they have every right to decide and as much as it might cause trouble for you, or distress for him, you all have to respect their choices and abide by them. I trust DS1's decisions about his Dad and he's 10. Because it's his relationship, his bond.

ParadiseCity · 13/09/2016 09:11

How would he even know if he has an up to date number for you? I would do nothing at all. If he has a temper tantrum so fecking what, it's not your problem.

Lweji · 13/09/2016 09:13

I wish she had said to me that his still my dad, things can be complicated but he still loves you and you should see him.

But that would have been a lie, wouldn't it?
She probably saved you much heartache by not insisting on you seeing him.
He was responsible for his relationship with you, not her. Please don't blame her in any way.

PansyGiraffe · 13/09/2016 09:13

applesvpears I'm sorry for your situation, you sound sad. However this does sound a bit different - I'm not sure whether you can really say this man loves his children (now young adults really) if he's basically ignored them bar the odd text for a decade.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 13/09/2016 09:23

It's not his god given right to see them just because he's their Dad. With rights come responsibilities and he relinquished his responsibilities a decade ago.

BarryTheKestrel · 13/09/2016 09:37

My father was similar. Only wanted to be a parent when it suited him. I stopped seeing him when I was 13. I'd see him a few times a year at whole family things but otherwise had no involvement, he was like a distant uncle rather than my dad. My half siblings still saw him frequently. I went completely NC when I was 21, 6 years on I don't regret it at all. He will never be able to let my DD down the way he let me down. My half siblings now see him for a week a year, when they go to the country he now lives in for a free holiday. He plays Disney dad for a week and they are old enough (mid-late teens) to take him for what they can and expect nothing more.

scallopsrgreat · 13/09/2016 09:46

He has no rights to see his children. His children have rights to see him. If they want to. At 14 they are old enough to declare that.

I'm sure he doesn't like the word No. As others have suggested how much of a shit storm can he create when he isn't in contact? How will it spill into RL?

I think you will have to brace yourself to stand up to that though and to take over if he becomes abusive to your children. You shouldn't have to, I know. He should be behaving like a responsible adult and its shit that he won't (and that is a whole other thread about how men are allowed to get away with that behaviour and women have to be the pacifier, facilitator and be responsible for the relationship between father and children). But your children also shouldn't have to deal with his temper tantrums. Especially as they barely know him.

For the minute, detach, detach, detach. Ignore, ignore, ignore and prepare your children for possible abuse as once he realises you won't play ball, he'll certainly go after them.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 13/09/2016 09:47

This how how my dad was. The children are old enough to decide for himself. Keep it civil and succinct. Tell him straight that he is a stranger to them now and they have no interest at the moment in picking things back up where he chose to drop them.

Tell him you have passed the message on and they know where he is if they ever change their minds and if they do you will fully support their decision to rebuild the relationship. but right now you are fully supporting their decision not to.

The end.