They don't want to reply and its going to cause a shit storm

[stripesstpots]

Dc have a difficult relationship with exh. Broken promises, let downs, no money for visits, birthdays or maintainence but plenty for nights out with mates and stuff for him (all over Facebook).

Eventually visits stopped altogether, no calls either and a yearly text usually about him.

Fast forward to Saturday a decade on and a sudden message wanting to know them, expecting the kids to pick up where he left off all those years ago. The kids don't even want to reply and he's going to go bonkers because its his RIGHT and he's their Dad and he doesn't see he has done anything wrong.

But I feel the youngest being 14 who doesn't even remember him is old enough to decide right?

In regards to child support i have never had a penny. Not even the minimum £5. He has always maintained he couldn't pay it while posting pictures of nights out which cost way more than £5 a week

It could be that he is trying to wheedle his way into the kids lives as he has his eye on the money, it woulden't surprise me, he sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work. Remember you and the kids do not have to have anything to do with him, if he is harassing you, contact the Police, and even a non molestation order, so he cannot come within a certain distance of you. He hasen't a leg to stand on.

Assuming you live in England/Wales, the law is very specific in how it is drafted. It does not bestow rights upon parents, but upon children. In 1989 all the terminology was changed (along with the law) - eg. that is when "custody" became "residence" in order to get away from the notion of ownership/rights. The only parental "right" enshrined in the law is Parental Responsibility, which is essentially the right to join in and make decisions about a child's upbringing.

This father has specifically chosen not to exercise his PR (but technically he still has it).

The children have a right to know and have a relationship with each parent. However, by the age of 14 a child's wishes will be paramount in considering how that relationship should be managed (in this case what contact and involvement this father should have). There is no defined age, it is based on the degree of maturity and understanding, and strength of feeling, of each particular child but at 14+ they are certainly old enough for their feelings/wishes to be definitive.
If you can encourage the children to resurrect some kind of relationship with him, you have done everything you can. It is absolutely their choice. But do encourage them so that neither they nor he can later say you didn't (children can come to idolise an absent parent for the strangest of reasons). My only real advice is to take care in how you convey to him that it is their choice - don't give him leeway to open up a debate with (and blame) you. Tell him simply that they are old enough to make up their own minds, that you have and will encourage them to make contact with him but can do little else, and then either give him their mobile numbers or tell him they have his (if they don't want him to have the numbers). If he keeps badgering you, repeat the message once or twice then tell him that you are not prepared to debate it with him, this is his problem and he needs to take responsibility for resolving it, not you.

Thank you that is helpful.

I need to be brave I know!

This sounds similar to a situation DHs exP is in actually.

14 year old doesn't want to know (he was 5 the last time he saw the man ffs) and 14 year old classes DH as his father also.

Sperm donar is going mad, saying DSS should see him and his new baby. He only got in contact as he had another baby with some other poor unsuspecting woman and decided baby should meet her brother. No contact at all for 9 years...then everyone has to jump at his command. No thanks.

You don't have to go to the effort of getting a non-molestation order under the Family Law Act (unless things are very serious). A far simpler thing is to go to the police under the Protection from Harassment Act.
The threshold to prove an offence under the PHA is very low (it requires just two occasions of behaviour which you have, subjectively, found harassing in nature). So tell him what you have to tell him, and I think the general advice you are being given is very sound, and then if he contacts you again, repeat it and then if he continues or is remotely abusive or threatening tell him that you are finding his texts/approaches upsetting and harassing in nature and ask him to stop. If he doesn't, bingo - report it to the police (or you could report now if you have enough evidence). Remember the test is subjective - its what YOU have found unpleasant/stressful/distressing/harassing.

Police guidance is that all reports made under the PHA must be taken seriously and acted upon. Police forces have invented a clever way of dealing with things in a way which nips many complaints in the bud without them having to formally investigate. What they do when a complaint is made is to issue a PIN (Police Information Notice) - this is either sent in the post or personally delivered (usually the latter). It contains an explanation of the law and a statement that you have made a complaint that he has done x/y/z and that, if true, this is an offence under the PHA. And that if the behaviour continues, he will be arrested. The PIN goes on the local and national police database (where it remains for at least a year and acts as a red flag in case of any further reports/difficulties).

In most cases the PIN is enough to stop the behaviour because the recipient will be worried that they will be arrested/prosecuted.

PINs are actually issued far too easily by many police forces, without any investigation into whether the allegations are actually true and are wide open to misuse, but they are perfect for your sort of situation.

The process of going to the police will cost you nothing and is far simpler (and easier) than having to prove the behaviour and getting a non-molestation injunction in a Family Court (under the Family Law Act).
A letter from a solicitor instructed by the children is also a good idea but it will not deal with the harassment side of things and will, of course, cost money to get it written.
Previous poster toptoe is wrong about there being any cut off age.

Sorry, perhaps I didn't explain but the letter my friend's DCs sent was drafted by them and sent to their father's solicitor so didn't cost anything.

As I recall they wrote that he had been a terrible father and described one of the times they'd stayed with him. Said they never wanted to see him. Not a peep out of him after that. I imagine his solicitor advised him he hadn't a hope.

Do you have an address where a letter might reach him, OP?

Just tell him no and then see what happens.
If he just rants via phone, text, email or FB, just delete or block.
If he is a definitive nuisance, then report to the police and decide what you can do about it. The police should be able to refer you to NCDV, for example.

As for court, he should be the one going to court, should he want to. His problem.

That's a point Lweji - OP, tell him that he can always go to court to get 'access' (haha) if he really wants to, and bTW there are 10 years of child maintenance to pay which will be brought up in court....

As far as i know you aren't allowed to bring lack of child support up in court based on friends experiences.

If you can encourage the children to resurrect some kind of relationship with him, you have done everything you can. It is absolutely their choice. But do encourage them so that neither they nor he can later say you didn't (children can come to idolise an absent parent for the strangest of reasons).

I don't think this is the OP's responsibility at all. Make sure the DCs have contact details by all means, support them if they do wish to see him, but encourage? This man's relationship with the DCs is his responsibility and no-one elses. The DCs will see clearly enough that their mum isn't stopping them but is actually respecting their decisions on whether to see their father or not.

Oh stripes - He is NOT going to go to court!

Doesn't mean you can't suggest it! (He will be laughed out. No one will force young adults to see their stranger father)

No, he won't go to court.

And access is a separate issue to maintenance, but should he want to claim for access, you might want to bring up a case for maintenance.

In fact, you could reply to his request with a link to the maintenance calculator.

Why haven't you asked for maintenance through the CSA?

I don't think "encouraging" is the right word in these circumstances. The courts would usually encourage contact on the basis that a child has the right to know their father and his background.

But these children, even the youngest at 14, already know all they need to know about their father. Indeed, any encouraging could well be to the children's detriment - they might take the view that their sole parent thinks it appropriate and follow that.

He won't go to court; he's 14 years too late to be dicking about in courts now. He'll just throw temper tantrums and try to shift the blame onto you for his massive failure as a father.

Fuck him. I know that's harsh, but, really, what is he hoping for? A long-lost reunion where the DCs fall, weeping, into his loving arms? As I say, he's too late. And now he's going to have to reap what he's sown.

The youngest being 14? They are all only enough to decide. If your ex wants to get to know them, he needs to show he's changed.

For the record he has no right to see them. They had a right to see him and he couldn't be arsed.

I am a cantankerous cow tonight so I would probably send a reply along the lines of "oh so you are alive then? We thought you must be dead seeing as how you haven't bothered your arse with MY sons for the last 10 years. Because I am not a shit parent I will tell the boys you have surfaced and allow them to decide if they want to hear the latest run of excuses and broken promises. May I just suggest in the interest of life expectancy that you don't go holding your breath"

It would take him a year to get it to court and which point the youngest would be nearer 16 anyway.

I do think a formal letter from the DC stating they do not wish to have any contact with him from now is perhaps the best way to do. I'd get it out the way now before he turns up trying to get their inheritance off them...

Of course he won;t go to court! That's why it's a good idea to suggest it to him - it's expensive, time consuming and not immediate.

Suggesting it, though, also absolves the OP of coming up with excuses and reasons why her DC don't want to talk to or see him. She just needs to say 'if you want to see them, go to court for a contact agreement'.

A solicitors letter sounds like a good idea too; but of course if the dc do inherit, there may be a chance that dear Father worms his way in, using the charm, after the money. They'll be older then, and on their own, legally.

OP has no need to make excuses; she merely needs to say the children are aware of his desire and will decide themselves. He knows, anyway. Somewhere inside he knows, it's just different from what he wants and he expects reality to bend to accomodate him.

I was the child in this situation. I cut off contact with my "father". I'm now 27 and don't regret it at all.

You're doing the right thing, OP.

Thank you all. You have given me massive strength to deal with this for the kids. I am going to ring WA.

The youngest child in particular was very cross and angry that he hadn't even apologised and said he was sorry he hadn't been or whatever. It was pure right I'm ready to see you now so drop everything and jump and dc2 is furious at that.

I think the letter is the way to go then just block.

That's the spirit! Your children are saying what they need, or rather what they don't need, and your children are what matter to you. Forget that shitty bastard's whims. No longer your concern.

I wouldn't be surprised if the inheritance was a major reason he's resurfaced, anyhow.