AIBU to ask you all how the flip do I get pregnant?

[OnlyEatsToast]

..as I clearly have no clue after almost 5 years of trying. I HAVE, fortunately, wonderfully, unexpectedly, managed to somehow overcome my infertile fuckwittery and produce DS1 - now aged 3. God knows how i managed that, took 2 years of ttc. I attributed it to a week of berocca at the time. And now I find myself aged 39, again distraught month after month after failing to arrange a sibling. and this time berocca is not helping

So AIBU to ask the den of vipers where I must be going wrong?

Whilst I know how amazingly fortunate I am to have DS, it doesn't stop my sadness at yet again finding myself failing to conceive. I don't think IVF/ICSIs or those level of interventions are for me, perhaps in a years time I might consider adopting. But is there any advise, any basics I'm missing for me to try in my last few months of ttc? (I can't endure the monthly heartbreak of the nature fail for much longer, and I don't see me wanting to continue to ttc past 40).

I've a fairly regular 28 day cycle, bleed for 4-5 days, then presumably ovulate a few days after it ends (based on the appearance of EWCM). DH and I try to dtd right at the start of when EWCM appears. Owing to DS1 not sleeping/sleeping in our bed we generally only manage the deed once a month (perhaps this is where I am going so wrong?!) Struggle so much to manage any other time though.

I am fairly healthy although much heavier than I should be. In a fairly stressful job but do a decent job of not letting that get to me. I drink 1-2 bottles of wine a week.

Not been to GP about it after the tough experience I had after DS' birth.
Assume there's nothing they could do? Not used any OPKs. Think I had an early MC a few months ago.

So where am I going wrong?

Please throw any tips my way! I promise to name the child after any mumsnetter whose advise works?!

When trying to conceive dc2, we dtd every day for about 5/6 days when I knew I was fertile. I think you need to dtd more!

Lots of people have said it already but get the OPK that tells you when you're about to ovulate, the Clearblue Advanced one. Then you have sex a couple of days before you ovulate (sperm hangs around for a few days, doesn't it) and on the day itself. I appreciate I may just be very lucky but I have two DCs thanks to these. First time I had sex twice that month, second time I think we did it 3 times. But targeted according to the OPK. I was 38 the first time and 41 the second. And married for years so long past the days of wanting to have sex with DH every day of the week

IME, and according to lots of people I know, conception has happened when you 'stop trying', which I think is probably a little more than coincidence in many cases any maybe a stress-related thing.

Never say that to a long term TTCer! You'll more than likely get a dead arm a few choice words flung back at you.

Women in war zones get pregnant. Women (sorry, but it's true) who have been raped get pregnant. The whole "relax and it'll happen" thing is such a load of bullshit.

OK I have absolutely no scientific evidence for this, and it does depend how desperate you are.

A friend of mine was trying and after 3 years nothing, so I bought her a gooseberry bush.

After dc number 4 she hacked it down. I can't think why.

Sorry, it looks as though my replies are mean and negative, and making it all about me . I get that, I do. I just think that after TTCing for years, having stories of success from couples who did x, y and z (when the OP has most likely tried everything in the book) can make you feel worse.

I think that sometimes, it's more realistic and almost refreshing to hear "You know, we tried everything, but nothing worked, and that's ok. We've accepted it now"

Loads bid good advice here so any really add anything but someone up thread mentioned low-dose aspirin, I was recently advised against it by consultant while TTC as it can apparently inhibit ovulation.

I agree Sukey. I done the majority of the things suggested on this thread and nothing has ever worked (except, ironically, ICSI, but I wouldn't ever say it's better than nature).

I tried to conceive for years and while I agree anecdotes aren't helpful, there is scientific evidence for some things and if people don't know about it, it can be helpful. There is very good scientific evidence for (in some circumstances) use of myo inositol or agnus castus, for the maximum luteal phase being 17 days, for a short luteal phase making it difficult to conceive. The OP has been having sex once a month at the wrong time, she's really not at a stage where she needs to be accepting she can't conceive.

I just had sex every day and got pregnant the first or second month of trying. 4 pregnancies, but two ended in miscarriage.

I think the only really sensible advice is to have more sex, develop a love for the "quickie"? I'm not sure other advice is really worth worrying about.

Good luck and I hope you fall pregnant soon.

"I just had sex every day and got pregnant the first or second month of trying"

Yes, see OP? Simple.

Am I the only one recommending Clomid?

user, Clomid is appropriate for women who have ovulatory dysfunction. The OP's problem is that she hasn't been having sex during her fertile period. No competent doctor would prescribe Clomid in that situation.

Having not rtwft.
At 39 I:
Used a cheapy ovulation kit.
Took double folic acid.
Had a smear test the cycle before I conceived.

One ttc that month. Small, mad ds conceived :)

You need to give it more than just one month more ttc, if you have only been having sex once a month all along. At 39, you need to be actively ttc properly for at least 6 proper months before they will investigate medically. Having sex is part of ttc, it doesn't have to take hours every time, get inventive, make the most of your dc's naptime in a different room

When I got pg for the first time, we had been "trying" for years.

The things that might have made the difference that particular month were (in no particular order...):

Had been steadily losing weight (was obese) - had started riding a bike for fun, joined a gym, walking to the tube, etc etc and had lost a stone or so within the last 6 months

Had been using the website "fertilty friend" to track my ovulation - taking my temperature every morning, looking out for ewcm, etc. This website helped me to realise that I ovulated around Day 10 - NOT Day 14.

We used "Pre-Seed" which is a sperm-friendly lube for the first time. No idea if this helped things along or just coincidence.

I used a progesterone cream (think it was called Pro-Gest) , can't remember why now but I bought it off the internet and rubbed it into my boobs! No idea if it helped or not.

Made sure we were doing the deed around my likely fertile time. Once a month is such a gamble - my guess is that two or three times a month (in your fertile window) would possibly make all the difference...

read a book called Taking Charge of your Fertility and absorbed every bit of info I possibly could about my cycle and how I could boost my chances.

We saw the GP re unexplained fertilty and got an appointment for a IVF referral - by the time the appt came around, I was already several weeks pregnant. I'm sorry if this is a crap thing to say but part of me does wonder if having that initial appt date set up meant less pressure for us. I was very much in two minds about the ivf route - not sure I'd have gone through with it tbh.

My second pregnancy (twins again!) was a complete surprise - I couldn't believe that after all the heartache and planning and trying for pregnancy no 1, it just happened with almost zero effort...

I really wish you well, OP. I cried so many times when it didn't seem like it would ever happen for me. I hope that you have a happy result very soon.

Of course you will struggle if you only have sex once a month and you are not highly fertile, OP. Losing a bit of weight and cutting back on wine...sure. More shagging - definitely.

You need to have more sex. Once a month is not enough if you are ttc.

Personally I wouldn't worry about the lifestyle stuff.

All the people saying you should put your legs up in the air after sex - does it really work like that?! I don't because I thought it was a myth (like the teenage 'you can't get pregnant standing up') and because I'm very prone to cystitis and so like to have my 'sex wee' ASAP! But now (like the OP!) I'm worried that we're doing it wrong...

Officer Yes it works, it helps the sperm swim up there.. They can do it anyway but it makes it easier if gravity is helping them. I didn't put my legs in the air but just lifted my crotch

Stop drinking, have sex more, lose weight. I was ttc for a year and got pregnant when I stopped booze (was drinking similar amounts to you) and lost weight (I wasn't overweight to start with, size 10/12 and around 9.5 stone but wanted to slim down for wedding, lost about a stone and got pregnant in the process)

And get yourself to the GP for some tests of you are serious a it really wanting this- you could have low hormone levels after ovulating meaning you the embryo can't implant for example or narrowed Fallopian tubes. Both of these things have non ivf solutions. Don't be put off with the argument of 'you have a child so this means everything is fine and you will conceive again.
Good luck.

you need to dtd more.

I used opk for both of mine. with ds2 we were trying for a year and I thought we were dtd at the right time but eventually I bought some opk and I was way off.

if u struggle to find time (I did) then opk are ur friend as u can aim for 2 times at the right time and increase ur chances massively.

I'd also eat better, take folic acid, stop drinking, cut the caffeine etc. if necessary get ur DH on wellman conception vitamins if his diet is lacking etc.

Gosh you are almost exactly me, although I've recently turned 40 and am continuing to ttc. The last few months before my birthday I was in a kind of blind panic, but now the date has passed, in reality nothing has changed. Of course I won't continue forever, but it's certainly not the big wall of GAME OVER I felt it was a few months ago.

Hi, so sorry don't have time to RTFT but from what I've skimmed I think you get the picture that DTD once a month makes it incredibly unlikely you'll conceive (Russian roulette with a gun with 30 barrels and one bullet - the odds are against you!). Also excessive weight or not enough fat on our bodies will make the body fight against conception as either extreme will make carrying a baby to term more challenging. Also 40 is not the end of the line, I have many friends who have happily made healthy babies way after that, especially second or third siblings. But to echo the PP's advice, a lot more shagging is in order, time to embrace the bathroom quickie! Good luck!

More sex. My advice would be have a drink or two and have fun sex as a pose to ttc??

Another that my fertility specialist recommended some age ago is a small dose of aspirin to help implantation - if you have any clotting issues, you would definitely need to clear this with a dr, but if you are a regular clotter type, then a quarter of aspirin a day might be helpful.

His theory was that during implantation, embryo needs to burrow into lining and make an umbilical cord (obviously I am ad libbing on his wording here!). If any tiny clots form at this stage, the embryo can't survive.

It's very low dose, and more is not better in this circumstance.

I also took a bovine colostrum supplement (similar to milk powder) to lower my immune response, worked immediately for #1, few months for #2 - I have an auto immune disease, and whilst tasting disgusting, it did seem to help with my body rejecting a foreign baby (ie. not all my DNA, not any claim on ethnicity!).

Best of luck