AIBU to ask you all how the flip do I get pregnant?

[OnlyEatsToast]

..as I clearly have no clue after almost 5 years of trying. I HAVE, fortunately, wonderfully, unexpectedly, managed to somehow overcome my infertile fuckwittery and produce DS1 - now aged 3. God knows how i managed that, took 2 years of ttc. I attributed it to a week of berocca at the time. And now I find myself aged 39, again distraught month after month after failing to arrange a sibling. and this time berocca is not helping

So AIBU to ask the den of vipers where I must be going wrong?

Whilst I know how amazingly fortunate I am to have DS, it doesn't stop my sadness at yet again finding myself failing to conceive. I don't think IVF/ICSIs or those level of interventions are for me, perhaps in a years time I might consider adopting. But is there any advise, any basics I'm missing for me to try in my last few months of ttc? (I can't endure the monthly heartbreak of the nature fail for much longer, and I don't see me wanting to continue to ttc past 40).

I've a fairly regular 28 day cycle, bleed for 4-5 days, then presumably ovulate a few days after it ends (based on the appearance of EWCM). DH and I try to dtd right at the start of when EWCM appears. Owing to DS1 not sleeping/sleeping in our bed we generally only manage the deed once a month (perhaps this is where I am going so wrong?!) Struggle so much to manage any other time though.

I am fairly healthy although much heavier than I should be. In a fairly stressful job but do a decent job of not letting that get to me. I drink 1-2 bottles of wine a week.

Not been to GP about it after the tough experience I had after DS' birth.
Assume there's nothing they could do? Not used any OPKs. Think I had an early MC a few months ago.

So where am I going wrong?

Please throw any tips my way! I promise to name the child after any mumsnetter whose advise works?!

I followed SMEP (Sperm meets egg plan (ugh)) and it worked for me.

1. Once your period finishes dtd every other day and use ovulation sticks daily.
2. Once you get a positive on the ovulation sticks dtd every day for 3 days. I also did the bum on pillow after for 20mins.
3. Dtd every other day for 5 days.

I was surprised to discover that I was ovulating on day 10, not day 14 as I'd assumed.

I get EWCM for five days prior to ovulation, I get pain on the day I ovulate. I'd say you need to have sex regularly and probably closer to actual ovulation rather than the first day of ewcm. If you've been trying that long it's probably worth finding out when you ovulate.

Lose weight.
Stop drinking. Just stop, no excuses.
Eat less processed food.
Have more sex.
Less caffeine.

You need to prime your body for conception. As you get older, your cells reproduce slower. Alcohol, sugar and caffeine all inhibit cell reproduction.

So give your body the best fuel - good food, sleep and no junk.

DH is 35, non-drinker and pretty healthy. Tests done when we were TTC no 1 showed he had a very impressive sperm count. when I was TTC no 1 we would dtd halfway through my cycle, but I fell pregnant unexpectedly in a month when we had dtd 'too early' - and I guess I have foolishly applied that logic this time round

I've tried to SMEP but DS1 normally interrupts any plans..

Smiley face ovulation kit. Easy as pie to use and means you only need to DTD a few days a month.

Legs up after sex.

Do OPKs actually work?

Of course they do! Helped me conceive my two children whilst having not-very-regular sex. Just bought a bunch of Internet cheapies and tracked my cycle using Fertility Friend.

You don't need to buy an expensive ovulation kit, the cheap OPKs you can buy from Amazon work just as well.

Link here - 50 for £8

Just remember that for one of these sticks to give a positive reading the test line has to be darker than the control line. You will have varying amounts of LH (the hormone being measured) in your system throughout your cycle so you can get a faint or slightly darker line at any time. Use them in conjunction with charting your temperature and it should help.

How to chart your temperature link

Shagging 3-4 times a week over a couple of years hadn't worked for us, but me and DH conceived DD against all the odds (V V low sperm count) by having sex literally every day of the month between end of period and start of next period - except that period never came because I was pregnant! set yourselves a challenge and shag more for fun, and hopefully it will all come together!

Google the "Duofertility" monitor,(Cambridge Fertility), it's a device you wear continually and it records your bbt all the time so it gives a very accurate tracking of your cycle. It suggests a fertile window and confirms exactly when ovulation has taken place. You also get the support of fertility experts for advice.
It's not cheap, but at one stage there was a full money back guarantee if you didn't conceive within 12 months.
Good luck!

Book a really expensive scuba diving holiday for a few months time and don't take out travel insurance. Sods law is bound to come up trumps.

Have sex 3 or 4 times a week throughout the month, also use clear blue digital ovulation sticks.

I dtd throughout the month and then everyday that the sticks indicated I was fertile and I was pregnant 8 weeks after I stopped using contraception. We also used a sperm friendly lubricant.

Also, your first pregnancy may have changed you cycle's length/ovulation time.

Ovulation tests definitely work (conceived twice with them and I have PCOS). I'd say if regular sex is difficult you definitely need to be using these and definitely need to be upping it from once a month if possible !

I get the ones cave recommended too. Satisfies my obsession with Poas and seeing lines in sticks.

A lot of it is down to luck I think as the window is so short. So things like opks can help narrow it down.

Hi OP

I do tend to agree with the other messages posted.

To better the odds of conceiving you'll need to have sex more often for sure.

I'd say buy some OPKs to try and pinpoint the days of your "fertile window"- it might not be when you think it is.

There are lots of things that you can make changes to eg diet, alcohol intake etc but age is obviously something you can't do anything about.

Am sure there will other posters along with tips & ideas

Good luck

Yes OPKs work. I'd not used them until a few months ago, is used an app instead.

Start taking COQ10, double dose on packet, it improves egg quality.

I did these 2 things, and increased sex around ovulation et voila. After 15mths of nothing, I got pregnant the first month of doing the three things above.

Me and DH used ovulation strips both times when ttc our DSs. And got jiggy every other day regardless. I couldnt cut out wine, helps me to relax, etc. Brace yourself! It's tiring and you don't always feel up to it, but if it works, it will be SO worth it.

Good luck x

The window is very small. Basically you can only get pregnant during a 24-48 hour window each month - that's the maximum amount of time an egg can survive once it has been released, though the nurse in my fertility clinic said it's often much less.

The idea is to have the sperm (who can live for up to 5 days) already there hanging around when the egg arrives so that fertilisation can happen quickly.

Have an ovulation scan, means you can time it perfectly, TTC on and off for 10 years. Ovulation scans were successful in 3 months (early miscarriage) 3 months (Dd) and 1 month (current pregnancy due December)

I appreciate every one of your replies and especially the ones that have made me laugh

So my plan of action seems to be:
no more wine
less coffee (only have 2 cups a day)
use OPKs - figure out when I actually ovulate!
sex whenever possible
book a holiday of a lifetime
GP appt in 2months if short-term OPKs and shagging haven't worked
try to be healthy as possible (already cook from scratch a fair bit, finding weight loss extremely difficult due to exhaustion/work/lack of inspiration - but I guess in the big picture this is worth the effort)

More sex definitely! Once a month is definitely not enough. Also, and I know it isn't that easy, but you must be so stressed out, which puts your body under so much pressure - would you consider having a break from trying for a month or so just to give yourself a bit of space?

Best of luck!

Re weight loss - will this make a difference? (this will be v tough for me). Am a size 16/18. (5ft 5 but no idea what I weigh as I'm scared of the scales). Will this be preventing me from conceiving?

cavemum OPKs ordered from your link!

Also took mover two years get ds1. The month it worked I had given up all hope. Had first fertility appointment. Dtd twice, days 8+10. Somewhat earlier than when I was trying to target the right time. Am pregnant again, again only dtd once and again very soon after af went. I'd suggest getting opks fir a couple of months so you have a better idea of when you are ovulating. Then dtd two or three times before you ovulate. Good luck!