AIBU to ask you all how the flip do I get pregnant?

[OnlyEatsToast]

..as I clearly have no clue after almost 5 years of trying. I HAVE, fortunately, wonderfully, unexpectedly, managed to somehow overcome my infertile fuckwittery and produce DS1 - now aged 3. God knows how i managed that, took 2 years of ttc. I attributed it to a week of berocca at the time. And now I find myself aged 39, again distraught month after month after failing to arrange a sibling. and this time berocca is not helping

So AIBU to ask the den of vipers where I must be going wrong?

Whilst I know how amazingly fortunate I am to have DS, it doesn't stop my sadness at yet again finding myself failing to conceive. I don't think IVF/ICSIs or those level of interventions are for me, perhaps in a years time I might consider adopting. But is there any advise, any basics I'm missing for me to try in my last few months of ttc? (I can't endure the monthly heartbreak of the nature fail for much longer, and I don't see me wanting to continue to ttc past 40).

I've a fairly regular 28 day cycle, bleed for 4-5 days, then presumably ovulate a few days after it ends (based on the appearance of EWCM). DH and I try to dtd right at the start of when EWCM appears. Owing to DS1 not sleeping/sleeping in our bed we generally only manage the deed once a month (perhaps this is where I am going so wrong?!) Struggle so much to manage any other time though.

I am fairly healthy although much heavier than I should be. In a fairly stressful job but do a decent job of not letting that get to me. I drink 1-2 bottles of wine a week.

Not been to GP about it after the tough experience I had after DS' birth.
Assume there's nothing they could do? Not used any OPKs. Think I had an early MC a few months ago.

So where am I going wrong?

Please throw any tips my way! I promise to name the child after any mumsnetter whose advise works?!

Unprotected sex for 6 years before I conceived. Never been on contraceptive in my life was diagnosed with PCO started with Agnus Castus. Fell on (DD is now 4 nearly 5) 3 years after conceiving my first hadn't caught on again so took Agnus Castus again for a few week and now have DD 2 who is 1 . Agnus Castus is a miracle product.

The month we conceived I was tracking with an ovulation kit, had massively cut down on alcohol and caffeine, DP and I were both on fertility vitamins, and we dtd every other day during my fertile week. I remember thinking that we'd given it a particularly good go that month, and I didn't know what else we could do! Wishing you the best of luck!

CoQ10 ordered

Book a really expensive scuba diving holiday for a few months time and don't take out travel insurance. Sods law is bound to come up trumps.

Oh yeah. I'm convinced the reason our IVF worked was because we'd just spent 3 grand on carpeting our upstairs with a white wool carpet.

Don't go vegan or anything daft like that. Just do a lot more shagging

No sillygoof, when you're desperate for a child having a month off is not an option. Neither is relaxing.

Buy a Volvo.

We ttc'd for three years including two rounds of iui and three of IVF with only one mc to show for it. We traded in my two seater pocket rocket for a boring Volvo and within a week (counting back to the start of my period) I was up the duff. Ok, the fourth IVF might have helped a bit but I think the Swedish snooze mobile was the charm.

(More sensibly, dtd more than once a month and if you have to focus your efforts do it towards the end of your ewcm as it usually dries up after ovulation - opks should help with timing).

Put DS in his own room or away from you so you guys get some space. Then at it like rabbits, at least every other day.

I've also bought a sink plunger (to get free amazon delivery). Not sure if that can help ttc but handy to have around

Bibs I found when ttc no 1 that I really did have to take a break sometimes, the heartbreak was too great month after month. And you spend your life planning around a pregnancy that never materialises. But I guess everyone is different and this might not be the same for everyone. But I do agree that stress does not help ttc

Agree lots of sex, from just after period and/or when you start feeling fertile/keen. (I go through a weird couple of days where most men look fanciable. It means I'm about to ovulate!)

Cut right back on the alcohol - no more than one small glass in a day, and have some days completely off. It's hard at first but try some of the alcohol free wines to get that "wine o'clock" feeling - some of them are quite nice honest)

Same with coffee

Relax, and I don't mean "relax and stop stressing and then it will happen" but actually try to fit in time fort full relaxation, like having a massage, going for a swim or whatever does it for you.

I had reflexology for fertility. Now I am not even slightly woo/alternative, but I thought I'd give it a go as I was desperate. It was the most fabulous, relaxing time once a week with the lovely therapist, just drifting away to therapy music and letting her massage my feet. And I did conceive DC2 - I have no way of knowing if the reflexology worked as such, but I'd recommend something like that, really relaxing. (Though spookily she did tell me when I was pg before I did a test...)

I know someone who used this and is now pregnant. she is thrilled. I took 8 years to conceive DD. As pp's have suggested...I cut out caffeine, alcohol and processed foods. I think knowing exactly when you ovulate does help enormously.

ovusense

You're definitely not having enough sex. If you can't manage sex more than once a month, get sterile needleless syringes off the internet, have your partner jizz in a pot, and squirt it up yourself every other day. Not very romantic, but those of us who after 5 years of TTC are too tired and despondent to approach the every-other-day shag with any sort of enthusiasm do this a lot.

I second others' suggestions about using ovulation tests and charting your basal body temperature. I have a fairly regular 28-30 day cycle so always assumed I was ovulating around day 14. Turns out it's generally day 19, and varies by a day or two one direction or the other each month.

I also tried all the lifestyle / diet shit (yoga, acupuncture, no sugar, low carb, giving up caffeine and alcohol, zero paraben beauty products, no Tupperware, fuckloads of supplements, all sorts of Chinese herbs, heat packs on the belly, etc etc etc) and none of that made any difference - there's no persuasive research to suggest you can do anything about egg quality anyway, though people with a book or product to sell will always tell you otherwise. So don't worry you're not doing enough in that respect.

Come visit us in the infertility section. Loads of advice and expertise there.

So I've not done all my reading on the subject yet - but how does EWCM relate to ovulation? I thought I ovulated at the start of when EWCM appeared but am I wrong? Or is it different for everyone?

App. Record everything.

Temp take.

Pre- seed.

Dtd every other day for about a week around ovulation.

So I'm fast approaching 39, I have no issues getting pregnant (most of the time) but keeping them is my issue which is a different story, but I've got a lot of experience on POAS, I've peed on more sticks than others have had hot dinners

So my suggestions:

If you can afford it purchase a clearblue advanced monitor, takes out the guesswork of ovulation and it keeps my sanity levels - yes OPKs work.

get the Ovia app and track cervical fluid, temperature etc etc - it will suggest your fertile days, you need to be doing it every day when it's green

Cut out alcohol, eat healthy, vitamins other have suggested plus take conception vitamins and vitamin D is good for ladies of our age as it can help with eggs (discovered this in a great book - Is my body baby friendly) cut out caffeine anything remotely fun really

Purchase some pre seed bloody awful name to use days leading up to ovulation as get those swimmers swimming

Try not to go mental during the TWW

Have loads of sex, and keep your legs up... Also some advise saying you need fresh sperm about four days before ovulation, which means no ejaculation on his part for 48 hours prior so six days before ovulation (read this the other week)

Other crazy things, low dose aspirin and eating pineapples from 3dpo (I also now take progesterone as I've had 7 miscarriages so if you have another MC go and talk to your GP, I was seen after my second)

That's all I can think of for the moment.

Please don't call your child Pepsi and have fun having lots of sex

giving birth can hugely affect your cycle...definitely would update your info on when best to shag....

Cutting down on wine will help with the weight anyway.

EWCM is there to ease the passage for sperm: it's thinner than normal vaginal secretions so easier for them to swim through.

It will appear for a few days in the run up to ovulation and then suddenly disappear once you've ovulated. Personally I never got much of it, but when I did it definitely coincided with feeling a bit, etc, fruity

There are loads of apps out there to help, personally I use/used Fertility Friend. Just remember that you need a few months of data before they can start accurately giving you feedback.

Tried pre-seed with No1 with no luck - I think the time we did conceive we hadn't used it. So it got chucked ;-D

I think all this shagging/no wine malarky will have me a few stone down in no time

Ovulation kits (the clear blue one that gives you an early indication) plus conceive plus.

Seriously, do it.

And less wine

Ovulation kit!! I think you may be missing the window.
Best of luck, I remember the stress & monthly disappointment well.

In addition to the obvious (losing weight and cutting down on alcohol in particular) try actually listening to your body. Do you feel ovulation happening? Do you feel more naturally up for sex at a certain time? You could try agnus castus. Might be pure coincidence but on both occasions I've fallen pregnant it was a month or two after starting taking it - and with number 1 we'd been ttc for 2 years before then (I have pcos). Took us 3 months this time.

More sex, more healthy food, less booze, less DS sleeping in your bed! Cover all the bases. You can do it!