AIBU to ask you all how the flip do I get pregnant?

[OnlyEatsToast]

..as I clearly have no clue after almost 5 years of trying. I HAVE, fortunately, wonderfully, unexpectedly, managed to somehow overcome my infertile fuckwittery and produce DS1 - now aged 3. God knows how i managed that, took 2 years of ttc. I attributed it to a week of berocca at the time. And now I find myself aged 39, again distraught month after month after failing to arrange a sibling. and this time berocca is not helping

So AIBU to ask the den of vipers where I must be going wrong?

Whilst I know how amazingly fortunate I am to have DS, it doesn't stop my sadness at yet again finding myself failing to conceive. I don't think IVF/ICSIs or those level of interventions are for me, perhaps in a years time I might consider adopting. But is there any advise, any basics I'm missing for me to try in my last few months of ttc? (I can't endure the monthly heartbreak of the nature fail for much longer, and I don't see me wanting to continue to ttc past 40).

I've a fairly regular 28 day cycle, bleed for 4-5 days, then presumably ovulate a few days after it ends (based on the appearance of EWCM). DH and I try to dtd right at the start of when EWCM appears. Owing to DS1 not sleeping/sleeping in our bed we generally only manage the deed once a month (perhaps this is where I am going so wrong?!) Struggle so much to manage any other time though.

I am fairly healthy although much heavier than I should be. In a fairly stressful job but do a decent job of not letting that get to me. I drink 1-2 bottles of wine a week.

Not been to GP about it after the tough experience I had after DS' birth.
Assume there's nothing they could do? Not used any OPKs. Think I had an early MC a few months ago.

So where am I going wrong?

Please throw any tips my way! I promise to name the child after any mumsnetter whose advise works?!

Advice that GPs give- ie. just shag every day is so unhelpful, unrealistic and as others have said can be harmful to the sperm count and cervix. But only timing around exact day of ovulation is too risky - sperm can live for up to 5 days- some travel slower/faster/we dont know exact time on the day egg was released...so agree you should start roughly 4/5 days beforehand, have 1 day off and carry on untill 1 day post ovulation just incase. I followed this with both DC and many friends swear by it.

Lots more sex it doesn't have to be in the bedroom if ds is in there

Lord Robert Winston would say a lot more sex... And probably cut down on the wine, it's not helping your health or your sleep.

You definitely need to track your cycle. Use Fertility Friend, then you can search and compare other women's cycles.

I have a 28 day cycle too, and I did an online calculator to find out my predicted ovulation day when we first started ttc (or after I found out about cycles...at first I thought you just got pregnant whenever ). Anyway after that didn't work I gotthe online OPKs and found out I ovulate on day 16 - my luteal phase is 12 days.

My partner had/has impotence due to a chronic illness so we had to be very dull and methodical about sex. Viagra, most of the time ($20 per sex!). We saw a fertility specialist who sent me for an HSG and I got pregnant that cycle - apparently it often works! TTC charting for 9 months, although trying incorrectly for a few months before that.

TTC DC2 I went back to the fertility specialist after 4 months (saying we'd been ttc longer, would have really if impotence/viagra wasn't an issue as my cycle was still funny after baby, making it difficult to track). Fertility speciakist was great, he didn't give a fuck about wine or diet (although I'm fairly skinny), just throw ideas at the problem. I tried clomid and got pregnant that cycle - MMC. Tried again after next period and got DC2. Miracle drug, it makes you ovulate more than the usual egg do there's more of a chance the sperm will reach its destination. You should get yourself some. I think it worked really well for me because I don't actually have any fertility problems per se.

Good luck with it. I'm so relieved to get to the other side with my two babies. I might still have been trying now, four years later...I feel very lucky and fortunate.

agree with tinkly- might be an old wives tale but i always stayed in bed around-10/15 mins, did lots of bridges/cycling on my back...!

you definately need more regular sex just before during and after ovulation every other day at least.

If you seriously want to conceive you should sort out DS sleep habits, he is not a baby. Do you want to co sleep? or has it become a default occurence?

Not only is it making it difficult to get jiggy but imagine a newborn too.....

I wish you luck but you do seem a little reluctant to improve bad habits, lts not easy, but if you want this badly you should maximise your chances, by stopping booze and cutting cafeine right down and eating regular healthy meals.
Study after study has shown, that even small amounts of alcohol impede fertility.

Some people fall pregnant despite any number of unhealthy habits but many of us have to really try hard, from your post you seem to be one of them.

Acupuncture and Chinese herbs ( from a reputable company) helped me fall pregnant after an ectopic pregnancy against all the medical predictions, and improved my health hugely.

After a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy l did everything l could, no alcohol, 3 healthy fresh meals every day, switched stressful job for an easier one ,( l was a stressed workaholic) early nights to relax so better sleep, avoided hard working out did yoga instead and the acupuncture and herbs (pretty horrible tasting)

l used ovulation kits religiously and nothing got in the way !

Also let go of all the outside stress in my life.....admittedly l became quite selfish for a while..... and it worked l now have 2 healthy Dcs,
despite only one supposedly damaged fallopian tube, So there is hope but sometimes major efforts have to be made.

I wish someone had told me at the beginning it doesn't just happen for many and these things can really tip the balance...

l wish you luck

Er, Pissssedoff , IVF and ICSI have similar success rates, which according to HFEA is 20.8% aged 39. And at 6k+ a go in the UK, I'd say more sex is a better option to start with.

If you are not having sex, you won't get pregnant.
Robert Winston says that is the main problem with couples TTC. They don't have enough sex at the right times.
I think that might be it.
Grit your teeth and DTD lots.

Me and my DH TTC for 3 years and eventually I fell pregnant with my DS,what I will say is lose a stone or 2 and have sex!! Like every day after your period ends then every 2 days for the rest of the month. If you can't find time fir a quickie when TTC you haven't got time fir another LO surely?!

I'm sorry, but was someone actually daft enough post more or less saying ICSI is bound to work?

No it's fucking not!

The amount of bollocks talked about in/fertility is just staggering at times

spermmeetseggplan.com/smep-step-by-step/
We did this and conceived twice despite endometriosis and rubbish sperm. Unfortunately neither pregnancy worked out so DS was ICSI but worth a go!
Good luck

Pumpkin seeds (zinc) warning- resulted in twins

IME, and according to lots of people I know, conception has happened when you 'stop trying', which I think is probably a little more than coincidence in many cases any maybe a stress-related thing.

We tried 'properly' with ds2 for 12 months - doing it at the right times, cycling my legs whilst upside down after DTD etc etc. We had friends down for a month and stopped trying because we were so busy and that was the month it happened :/

Lots of sex....stay lying down afterwards with pillows under bum (very glamorous so it is ), take folic acid. B6 worked a treat for me...I'm certain that helped me conceive but then I have a short luteal phase.

Agree with legs up the wall suggestion - certainly don't get up quickly after sex. Sympathy OP we had loads of probs all the way along but did conceive DS2 at aged 42 once I'd sort of given up hope.

We were very lucky and all we really did was have a lot of sex. Like, a lot of really dirty sex . We used an ovulation kit to try to pinpoint key days when we really "had to" do it but we generally did it every couple of days throughout my cycle then every day during ovulation.

OP due to DH's and my working life there is no way we could do this 2 to 3 times weekly.
I also disagree with "you are drinking too much" 1 bottle of wine is three large glasses a week. Come on people!
But this is what I did:
I lost weight. 9 kilos by the time I got pregnant. I did weight watchers which meant I was eating a lot more fruit and veg. And also drinking less alcohol (but some)
I drunk 1 cup of coffee a day no more
I bought a Clearblue fertility monitor from ebay for 20 pounds and got my BFP on month 2 of using it.

I think the monitor and losing weight really helped. It is a very upsetting thing, to wait only to get your period. Sorry OP

Good luck

Clear blue fertility monitor thing - apparently I don't ovulate on the typical day 14 thing - best purchase ever

To add that I was trying for months before I bought the monitor, then BFP after two months of using it

Dont avoid the conception boards Op, Theres quite a few of us over there over a certain age and trying for baby number 2, and o be honest I could do with the company cos everyones pissing off and getting pregnant and leaving me .

Its a good place to moan and for support!

Thanks everyone. I'm exhausted now after quite an emotionally fraught day but you've all given me a lot to think about and lots of positive things that I can try

So sorry I haven't read all the replies, I just dont have the time right now so sorry if I repeat something.

DIGITAL ovulation test kits (smily face not lines to be interpreted). Abstain till a smily face, do it 3 times 12 ish hours apart once the smily happens.

Lose weight if you have any to lose - even 10% boosts fertility - apparently fat holds oestrogen, or something hormonal, and you get a period of hyperfertiliy with even semi-significant/almost insignificant weight loss

Less alcohol is better, not just with the woman but with the man, apparently

By all means monitor signals such as EWCM but don't make them a given

Think about whoever floats your boat during the act, whether it is your partner of someone else ;) . The more "lust" hormones floating around the better, as pregnancy seems to happen when you don't really want/need it to, so if you are in a truly safe situation, pretend you are 16 and in someone's car in a drive in. Not based on any science, just on the law of sod

If I'm honest I think there's a point where you will either get pregnant or you won't, and no amount of supplements/plans will help

We're a few months shy of 3 years TTC and have tried everything suggested except ivf and icsi. All the supplements, new job, booking holidays, getting drunk, going vegan, losing weight, gaining weight. I am currently in the process of waiting for a lap to be diagnosed with endo which I undoubtedly have. One DD already.

On saying that, you're at an advantage in a way, because sex once a month is nowhere near enough. I don't really do false hope anymore, having had too much of it myself, but if you start shagging a couple of times weekly I wouldn't be surprised if you were pregnant in six months time.