AIBU to ask you all how the flip do I get pregnant?

[OnlyEatsToast]

..as I clearly have no clue after almost 5 years of trying. I HAVE, fortunately, wonderfully, unexpectedly, managed to somehow overcome my infertile fuckwittery and produce DS1 - now aged 3. God knows how i managed that, took 2 years of ttc. I attributed it to a week of berocca at the time. And now I find myself aged 39, again distraught month after month after failing to arrange a sibling. and this time berocca is not helping

So AIBU to ask the den of vipers where I must be going wrong?

Whilst I know how amazingly fortunate I am to have DS, it doesn't stop my sadness at yet again finding myself failing to conceive. I don't think IVF/ICSIs or those level of interventions are for me, perhaps in a years time I might consider adopting. But is there any advise, any basics I'm missing for me to try in my last few months of ttc? (I can't endure the monthly heartbreak of the nature fail for much longer, and I don't see me wanting to continue to ttc past 40).

I've a fairly regular 28 day cycle, bleed for 4-5 days, then presumably ovulate a few days after it ends (based on the appearance of EWCM). DH and I try to dtd right at the start of when EWCM appears. Owing to DS1 not sleeping/sleeping in our bed we generally only manage the deed once a month (perhaps this is where I am going so wrong?!) Struggle so much to manage any other time though.

I am fairly healthy although much heavier than I should be. In a fairly stressful job but do a decent job of not letting that get to me. I drink 1-2 bottles of wine a week.

Not been to GP about it after the tough experience I had after DS' birth.
Assume there's nothing they could do? Not used any OPKs. Think I had an early MC a few months ago.

So where am I going wrong?

Please throw any tips my way! I promise to name the child after any mumsnetter whose advise works?!

You are funny OP

Yep - every other day shagging. Even at times when you definitely can't. (Dd was conceived at a time when we were shagging "just for fun".)

Pick a month. Dtd every other day the whole month after AF finishes.

I don't know how it works for people who have been trying for awhile, but I found out I was pregnant on my 40th birthday. In the previous 100 days we had:

Given up booze, given up sugar, exercised daily, and had a LOT of sex. I got pregnant at some point while on holiday over the Christmas and New Year period.

We weren't trying to conceive, we were having a bet with each other that we couldn't give up booze and sugar. We were both a bit overweight at the time.

Lots more sex

Keep your bum up after sex for ten minutes

Take agnus castus. I started taking it after 2 years of trying. We had our first hospital appointment to discuss IVF I found out I was pregnant the following week. Took it again for DC2 it worked on the third month.

You need to have more sex. DTD once a month is just not going to cut it sorry.

DTD has to be your priority if you want to conceive. Above TV, above sleep, above wine and chats on the sofa, above doing the washing up. I know what it's like with a long term non sleeping DC (you just want to sleeeeeep) but put sex at the top of your priority list for a few months and see what happens. You and DH need to force yourselves to have sex even if you don't feel like it (horrid idea I know). Use pre seed as lube if you're not in the mood.

Personally I'd suggest DTD every day for a two week period - a week either side of your EWCM. If you can't manage that then try for 5 days before EWCM and 3 days after.

If you're only going to DTD once a month which would be daft then at least get some ovulation sticks. They don't work well if you have PCOS though.

Losing weight and cutting down on wine and caffeine etc are nice healthy ideas but are really tinkering round the edges compared with DTD more often.

I was going to say you need to have sex as a kind of silly response to the thread title but actually after reading your OP, that is what you need to do!

Book a really expensive scuba diving holiday for a few months time

This is how DD1 was conceived. Found out on second day we were there - right before our first dive. I was

Not sure about other people but my doc told me to lose 2 stone before trying to conceive - I was a size 14/16.

I think the more odds that are in your favour the better - so trying to be as healthy as possible just increases your chances.

More sex, every day or every other day until you hit the jackpot. Once a month really isn't enough

Legs up in the air after sex for 10 minutes or so, it's worth a shot isn't it

I don't normally like ovulation sticks etc as it puts pressure on ttc IMO but as you've been trying a while it might be worth you getting some. I believe they are fairly cheap.

If you drink alcohol, cut it down to a minimal amount or stop completely for a while.
Look at any excess sugar in your diet you could cut out.

Is your DH generally a healthy person?

I know it's not easy but do try to relax about the whole thing even a little, as added street worrying about ttc won't help

Good luck OP, hope it happens for you soon

I think it was Pregnacare Conception vitamins and the Clearblue OPK that did it for me. Oh and u defo need to dtd more than once a month! Good luck OP

Sex once a month would probably not get a 21 year old pregnant.

Once a month! It took us 4 years to conceive ds2 (one miscarriage between times). You have to have sex so much until it becomes a boring chore. My friend did two quickies a day at least when she was having trouble conceiving. I'd aim for at least once a day for a week around ovulation.

TMI, if you have trouble with toddler or visitors or time get him to get himself 'ready' in the loo first then you only need join him for the finale.

DTD during the week before you think you ovulate, so the sperm is there ready and waiting. Perhaps try for a few days before the EWCM appears? Sperm can live for up to 5-7 days inside the fallopian tubes, whereas the egg only survives 12-24 hours after ovulation. Then the fertility window ends until the next month.

I also found this link saying that the LH surge indicated on the OPK gets closer to the time of ovulation as you get older, so while a younger woman might see a positive OPK two days before ovulation, by the late 30s it could be the same day, and by over 40 the OPK might not even turn positive until after ovulation.

maiamidwifery.com/2014/05/opks-flushing-money-hopes-getting-pregnant-drain/

Definitely see the GP too as there are various things which could be the cause, anything from blocked fallopian tubes to a low sperm count. And I don't suppose waiting lists are short.

Good luck and please update us

Once a month isn't enough sex. Have more sex ideally every 2-3 days and enjoy it. If your ds sleeps in your bed then have sex in the living room, shower, stairs, kitchen so many possibilities.

Maybe drop the wine for now.

How healthy is your DH? Does he drink much? Eat a lot of sugar?

Hope it works for you OP. I found nothing did - sometimes it just doesn't happen, and no amount of people offering advice and sharing their success stories can make it happen. I always found it more helpful to be resigned to the idea of it not happening after a couple of years fruitless trying.

I'd give yourself a plan and a timescale. We'll try for x more months, then if it doesn't work allow ourselves a certain amount of time to deal with the griefgrief and move on, before starting to look at adoption.

Along with the other great advice here don't know if this would help but my friend made me go to Belly Dancing Classes with her as she swore I would quickly get pregnant...! I totally didn't believe her but I did get pregnant after attending classes for around 5 weeks, which came as a bit of a shock! Maybe improves blood flow to important areas so ladies can, emm, orgasm easier & send the important tadpoles on their way with an extra boost! The more tadpoles the better, from what I've read, as the first few sacrifice themselves to help melt the covering of the egg so 'The One' can make it...so keeping legs up in the air might help too, right enough...Sorry, sounds like some sex-mad fitness regime! Good luck & all the best! x

Don't know why grief reproduced itself

Pardon the pun.

I used the Ovia app to track my cycle and DH and I took conception supplements.

When the app said it was my fertile week, we dtd every day. It's not very romantic, but it worked...

Most people ovulate on the LAST day they have EWCM, not the first. It dries up pretty quickly after ovulation. So if you're only having sex once at the beginning of your EWCM, you're almost definitely missing the egg.

Which is good news, because there's nothing to suggest you're actually having fertility issues. You're just not having sex at the right time. If you really can't manage it more than once, get the ovulation sticks and get jiggy as soon as you get a positive (and a REAL positive, which means a line that is as dark as/darker than the control). Good luck!

remember to up your folic acid if you are overweight!

You really do need to read the Taking Charge of your Fertility book, it's all explained in there!

EWCM usually appears a few days before ovulation- it sounds as though you are having sex too far in advance of ovulation. You can either use kits or chart basal body temperature to get a better idea of what's going on.

Until you've got the hang of your cycle, you could try having sex every other day from when EWCM appears until it changes to a thicker consistency , which usually happens after ovulation. The sperm can survive for a few days after sex - essentially the sperm need to be already there making their way towards the egg as soon as it's released.

Def more sex, less wine, more sleep, more exercise. The last 3 will help with your energy for the first one. If you really want to get serious about it then I'd add temping and tracking your ovulation.
Good luck. We took 5 years to conceive our first with various failed treatments along the way. Have 3 now and each time I've fallen pregnant I've been doing a lot of yoga! Maybe it's all the upside down and contorting the body time. I've never read of a connection btw. I just took up yoga to relax.

So much good advice here, thanks again to you all. I'm now busy planning an OPK/temping/vitamin and sex fuelled month. Also feeling quite sheepish that I've not tried basics like OPK before. AND I have totally misunderstood EWCM and ovulation. DOH!!

It's so hard to find time to dtd but lots of good perspective here about having to prioritise it and taking 'shortcuts' if required!

Sukey totally agree with you - that's the stage I got to last time, and now close to where I am now. I feel like this is a final blast of trying before looking at other options, and at the same time appreciating how lucky we already are to have DS1.

Also so glad that no-one has suggested that I should just be grateful to have a child already. That's mainly the reason I avoid the conception and infertility boards as I feel like a bit of a fraud there.

To those asking - DH v healthy, doesn't drink, walks about 5 miles a day with the dog, no issues with sugar. (As opposed to me.)

Not an option to get any more sleep I'm afraid. I might stab anyone who suggest it. I am a sleep deprived zombie. DS still up frequently in the night and starts his day at 5.45 . I think it's an evolutionary mechanism to ensure he stays an only child