The way BIL and FIL did this?

[Doublemint]

When DHs grandad died, about 5/6 years ago he left both his watches to BIL, no idea why not one each as he was close to both his grandsons.
One of the watches is an old Rolex and about 3 years ago BIL gave it to DH because he didn't want it/ had a brieghtling watch as his engagement present. No idea if that's how you spell it- apparently they are v v expensive. BIL is into flashy expensive stuff, whereas me and DH aren't, and saw it as a fair thing (both brothers get one of their grandads watches) and the fact it was a Rolex wasn't really a factor, more of an added bonus.

So fast forward 3 years and the Rolex didn't work anymore. DH doesn't wear it unless a special occasion such as a wedding so it wasn't high on our list to get sorted as we thought it would be expensive.

FIL was round and saw it on the side. He offered to take it to get it fixed. Or at least find out how much it would cost to get fixed. DH said yes and he took it. He made out he was doing us a favour.

Today FIL phones DH and says he's taken it in and it will cost £300. He knows we don't have £300 to spare. He must have talked to BIL about this because he then goes onto say BIL is paying to get it fixed and will then "have it back".

This has already been decided between BIL and FIL. FIL basically just rang to tell DH.

DH is putting on a brave front but I can tell he's hurt by this. I could tell he was upset straightaway as he went all quiet after he hung up.

Quick backstory: this isn't the first time FIL and BIL have decided stuff without talking to DH. DH is the younger brother and they constantly mock him for being disorganised and belittle him tbh. They are both in the same career field so have a lot in common. When all three go out for a drink DH has come back a bit low and subdued because all they've done is talk about work like he's not there. They don't ever say well done for DH work achievements, mock his DIY skills and never ever say anything positive. FIL "offered" to sell DH car for him whilst he's away for a v long time with work, after we've explained we don't want him to. DH was going to store his car at FILs whilst he's away and decided not to as his dad kept going on about selling it. They just do t listen or respect him. It's breaking my heart and now after this watch thing I'm getting angry and want to say something.

Sorry about the length of this, didn't want to drip feed.

AIBU or is their behaviour fair enough as the watch was official willed to BIL 5/6 years ago but gifted to DH 3 years ago?

Any further news, OP? (stern look)

Does your MIL have the watch? Did you tell her your plan to repair it and give it to DH for Christmas? How did she manage to find fault with that idea?

She came over on Thursday to look after dcs. She said she is having the watch back and DH "must pay her back pound for pound" for the repair if he wants it back.

I'm so fed up of the inlaws overriding DH (and me!) but she's decided that's that. I think the watch is in for repair, FIL didn't ring me back and hasn't really told anyone for sure where it is.

What can I do now?! DH has basically given up on it and I don't know how I can get it back from MIL as she wants her son to pay for it and not me. It's gotten beyond ridiculous now. They can all just F off to be honest.

We are off for a Sunday lunch at hers today, BIL, SIL their baby and us. So I will update if it's mentioned, or should I be ballsey and bring it up?!

Yeah bring it up. Not mentioning it is playing into their hands, they are probably relying on you being too meek and polite to say or do anything about it to get away with it.

Have a few responses planned for what you think they might say (so you don't just mumble "oh it's OK..." in shock/awkwardness)

Am I right that this watch was left to DH in a will? Send a solicitor's letter and get the police involved. Too much fannying about going on.
No wonder you're so frustrated, Mint!

Ok we are just leaving now. Will bring it up. Thinking of responses but so far I've got nothing!

Why don't you just say

"I am so upset and hurt that no-one cares that DH loves that watch because it was his Grandad's all he wants to do is wear it whether it works or not. meanwhile all anyone else seems to care about is how much it's worth!"

That's a good one, Random. Double, if you feel up to it, then whatever is said in reply to that, you can respond with

"It's just so sad that you all value the financial side of it so greatly that you seem to have forgotten what's really important." Shake you head sadly with downcast eyes.

Repeat.....

Oh yes Random, that's an excellent lie given the OP said earlier her DH didn't wear it as it wasn't working, had no immediate plans to repair it and it was sitting around collecting dust.

No Conker, the watch wasn't left to him but to his brother. Who lent it to him, but the OP believes it was for keeps. Hence this current dilemma.

Well, I tried. I brought it up and said "so what exactly is happening with the watch?" No real reply as MIL and DH were tidying the kitchen, so I repeated myself and added "because it means a lot to DH, I mean where is the watch? Do we know where it is and who it is going to?" DH said its in getting repaired and then it's going back to mum, MIL just replied "yes it's coming back to me". I then said "so DH won't get it back even though it's his?" Silence. MIL then changed the subject and I walked out the room.

DH very subdued on the drive home and said he feels like his family have no respect for him and never tell him he's a good dad or ask about his work etc (all true). I (as tactfully as poss!) said that if you want them to see a change in you and start respecting you you have to start standing up for yourself. They aren't mind readers etc. This is so obviously about more than the watch.

I feel like something is brewing, especially when DH said he could take it when it was just me and him but he won't let our girls see him being treated like this.

Sorry I didn't go the whole hog but MIL basically wouldn't reply or react so I couldn't just keep banging on about it and it without seeming rude. She had just cooked us a family lunch and we were all having a nice family day, albeit with a great big elephant in the room that I dared to mention!

you did try, how awful for your DH.

What is your family like?

My family are far away but awesome. DH said that my mum tells him all the time what a great dad he is, asks how work is going, sends little goodbye texts etc when he's about to deploy. Stuff like that. They always ask if it's okay to do xyz in our house, never just do it like the outlaws. In short they respect us as adults and parents. They would NEVER dream of taking something of ours out of our house and not giving it back. They would never get it repaired after being specifically told not too. I mean they've got their faults but they love DH and are just generally more positive. Getting a compliment out of MIL or FIL is like getting blood from a stone!

I am sorry this hasn't been sorted out, your outlaws are bloody awful and do feel that your poor dh has been short changed by them totally. You & he are in the right here, what a rotten thing they have done. They should be ashamed of themselves. I would keep your dc away from them as much as you can, they are toxic bastards.

In that case focus on your parents, move nearer them - enjoy having them as part of your lives.

Duty visits twice a year to the out laws, making them unimportant, don't let your DC be influenced by them.

to you and your DH

Poor DH. Yes it seems there is a lot more to this than the watch.

I have a similar situation with my in-laws in that DP is by far and away the best of all their children (I'm not biased at all!) but yet his parents constantly bang on about everything his sibling has achieved (fuck all really) and never acknowledge any of his achievements, despite him overcoming a lot difficulties to get there with no support from them. It's hard for him, so I can imagine how your DH feels too.

Occasionally I casually throw in comments like "when DP did [what your bragging about sibling doing] a few years ago nobody went to watch him except me". Just because I want them to know I'm/we're aware of the disparity. They sometimes have the good grace to look uncomfortable at least.

Dare I say that at least if the watch is with your mil, you probably have a better chance of getting it back? At least she isn't likely to sell it as it was her fathers.
It really would be worth you & dh getting it repaired, and your dh wearing it more often perhaps, or just keep it serviced.
Please DON'T let it go completely ! Pay for the repairs and just think that , in the future, it could be sold to help pay for something for your girls, so dh needs to think along those lines. That watch could give them the money towards a car or something like that. Please Don't let them have the last word on this!

And please get dh to leave all the medals to your girls, not his brother. They will appreciate them when they are older, and I speak from experience here.

I agree that the only way to deal with the outlaws is to make them much less a part of your lives. That may mean moving much nearer to your family and further from his, stopping drop in visits from them wherever you live near or far, generally discouraging much contact. Certainly make things more formal so they stop feeling so free to just poke and pry and pick things up in your home.

They are exactly like that aye. It's heartbreaking isn't it? I already try to point out the good things DH does, but it's met with dead silence or they laugh. They tend to laugh at anything we say seriously like that.

We are considering moving nearer my family but we only just moved here two years ago to be nearer where DH is for work. If we move back it will mean he doesn't see DCH mid week on top of deployments so it's not as easy as all that. Although we are seriously considering it as inlaws don't really give me any help or support when he's away. MIL has started doing childcare one day a week for 6 weeks but I spoke to her today and she's not keen to ever do any more, so essentially I'm on my own with a baby and a toddler with no help for the majority of the year!

Right now I've decided I'm getting the spare key back that FIL claimed to have "lost" for a year but he apparently has it again, and I'm going to set firmer boundaries and only go see MIL with DH. Sod them.

I think DH has realised this is about more than the watch, it was just a clear cut catalyst for their treatment of him, rather than off the cuff comments and general attitude if that makes sense. So at least some good has come of it.

cool Carrie really like that idea about DH wearing it more often. I'm still vacillating between feeling like it's easier to let it go and stumping up the money somehow to get it back. It feels like it's being held ransom. Maybe if we pay for it to come back it will make them respect DH a bit more? And yes it will be a lot easier to get back from MIL than FIL

We nearly had a big fight in our family over my great grandfather's WW1 medals & his dead mans penny as it is called. My aunt was totally raging about our ds getting them, as he was very young, but into soldiers etc. Luckily my cousin's son showed absolutely no interest in them, and told his grandmother, in no uncertain terms that my ds must have all of them as he knew ds would look after them.

You are doing the right thing getting your key back, bloody hell i would go nuts if I thought my outlaws could walk into our house any time! Your dh sounds like he is putting his life on the line at work, if he does what I think he does, he deserves respect! please don't let it go, you are being reasonable to want it back and the wise women of mumsnet are behind you both on this.

I've just spoken to DH and we've decided we aren't going to let it go. We are going to quietly save up for the sodding watch and get it the fuck back.

They can't keep treating him like a little boy that can't be trusted. He's done and seen things they can't even imagine. They don't ask him about it and never ever say anything good about what they do see. It's like a vacuum.

Had two gins now so going to stop bitching analysing and stick to the facts and the plan. to all of you who have stuck by this thread even though it may seem like a small deal. Seeing you DH getting treated like this is horrible, especially when it's his own parents.

Might be a good idea to ask to see the repair invoice - you know, just in case they're inflating the cost cos they don't want to give it back to dh?

That sounds like a plan!

Can you change the locks where you are? Either before DH goes so he has the new key, or while he's away (either sending the key to him or being there when he gets back)? Partly because you are concerned that the other key FIL had was missing so you don't know who else may have access to the house while DH is away, so you are reviewing your own personal security arrangements in light of the forthcoming deployment.

And none of the ILs needs a key.