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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The way BIL and FIL did this?

186 replies

Doublemint · 11/09/2016 20:05

When DHs grandad died, about 5/6 years ago he left both his watches to BIL, no idea why not one each as he was close to both his grandsons.
One of the watches is an old Rolex and about 3 years ago BIL gave it to DH because he didn't want it/ had a brieghtling watch as his engagement present. No idea if that's how you spell it- apparently they are v v expensive. BIL is into flashy expensive stuff, whereas me and DH aren't, and saw it as a fair thing (both brothers get one of their grandads watches) and the fact it was a Rolex wasn't really a factor, more of an added bonus.

So fast forward 3 years and the Rolex didn't work anymore. DH doesn't wear it unless a special occasion such as a wedding so it wasn't high on our list to get sorted as we thought it would be expensive.

FIL was round and saw it on the side. He offered to take it to get it fixed. Or at least find out how much it would cost to get fixed. DH said yes and he took it. He made out he was doing us a favour.

Today FIL phones DH and says he's taken it in and it will cost £300. He knows we don't have £300 to spare. He must have talked to BIL about this because he then goes onto say BIL is paying to get it fixed and will then "have it back".

This has already been decided between BIL and FIL. FIL basically just rang to tell DH.

DH is putting on a brave front but I can tell he's hurt by this. I could tell he was upset straightaway as he went all quiet after he hung up.

Quick backstory: this isn't the first time FIL and BIL have decided stuff without talking to DH. DH is the younger brother and they constantly mock him for being disorganised and belittle him tbh. They are both in the same career field so have a lot in common. When all three go out for a drink DH has come back a bit low and subdued because all they've done is talk about work like he's not there. They don't ever say well done for DH work achievements, mock his DIY skills and never ever say anything positive. FIL "offered" to sell DH car for him whilst he's away for a v long time with work, after we've explained we don't want him to. DH was going to store his car at FILs whilst he's away and decided not to as his dad kept going on about selling it. They just do t listen or respect him. It's breaking my heart and now after this watch thing I'm getting angry and want to say something.

Sorry about the length of this, didn't want to drip feed.

AIBU or is their behaviour fair enough as the watch was official willed to BIL 5/6 years ago but gifted to DH 3 years ago?

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 19/09/2016 09:06

Glad to hear it! Else I'll have to come and glare at the pair of you til you relent! You'll soon realise facing BIL and FIL together is the easier option!!!!!

(I'm very good at the Paddington Stare, but in my case it's most definitely a glare. And could curdle milk!!!)

Original poster
Doublemint · 19/09/2016 10:11

Ok so I phoned MIL and made massive mistake- the whole way through this the watches have come from DMILs dad!?!? not from the paternal side. I can't believe I made such a huge assumption! that's the whole reason I thought it was ok for FIL to take the watch!!!!

She also knows the watch was worth £4000 about 6 years ago.

We've agreed that I ring FIL and say we need the watch back when he is next up or sooner. I will pay the repair bill as way of getting it bloody sorted out. However MIL wants the watch back as her suspicion is that FIL is trying to drive a wedge between the brothers. She also said to make sure the medals are hidden (they are!) and not to leave anything else of value out and about when he's in the house. To be honest I don't want him in the house again.

She also told me the watch doesn't really fit BIL and that was part of the reason it was given to DH as it fits him perfectly.

So now I'm a tad confused about who was in the military etc and who the medals came from. But just going to put that to one side now and focus on getting the watch back.

Spoke to DH briefly about it when he WA son his break. He said its sweet of me to be doing his but doesn't want any fuss. I said if it were any other object (valuable like a laptop or sentimental like other heirlooms) we would be getting it back so why is it jus to its his father for some reason we should roll over, or words to that effect.

Sorry if this is jumbled but I'm getting Dds up and have been on the phone all AM so they are fairly grumpy by now!

I've left FIL a voicemail saying I need the watch returned to me ASAP as I want to give t to DH for Xmas present all mended and serviced etc, can't wait to hear the reply!

OP posts:
Original poster
Doublemint · 19/09/2016 10:13

Also massive thanks to all of you for giving me the balls to address this! It's about the principle and having FIL respect us and our belonging and boundaries. The watch is really just a catalyst for a lot of things like this!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/09/2016 11:27

Shock lying git of a FIL

ScarletOverkill · 19/09/2016 11:39

It sounds like you're in for a long fight Doublemint
Do you think that your DMIL might be making your DFIL out to be worse than he is though?

Inertia · 19/09/2016 11:43

I wonder whether FIL is keeping the watch for himself/ to sell?

But yes, I think your idea to ask for the watch back and have it foxed for DH's Christmas presents is a good one. The advantage of you arranging it yourself is that all of the related documentation payments will be in your name so you have evidence in a dispute that it's your DH's. If you pay back BIL, there's no paper trail that the watch is your husband's.

iknowimcoming · 19/09/2016 12:05

So you're going to get the watch back, pay for it to be fixed and then give it back to your MIL? So your dh still won't have it and you'll have paid the £300 bill? Confused! Confused

Ginslinger · 19/09/2016 12:14

no - she's giving it to DH - she said so at the end of her update

iknowimcoming · 19/09/2016 12:56

But she said her mil wants it back .....

Original poster
Doublemint · 19/09/2016 13:02

MIL does want it back- I think to stop any future arguments. I'm getting it back for DH then he can decide what he wants to do with it- I.e give it to his mum or not. She's just worried it might end up with drama which I'm hoping to avoid

OP posts:
TathitiPete · 19/09/2016 13:19

So, all along you'd assumed 'grandfather' was FILs father, but it turns out the grandfather is your FILs FIL. Why did your DH not put you right at any stage? He obviously would've known that his grandfather was his DMs father, not his DFs.

Also, you were at the grandfathers funeral. Was it not obvious which side of the family had lost a dad? Surely your MILs family, brothers/sisters etc. would've been there and FILs wouldn't because the deceased was his FIL but no connection with any of the rest of his family.

Original poster
Doublemint · 19/09/2016 13:56

The funeral I attended was FILs dad, I think they must've both been in the military. God knows I'm bloody confused now.

I'm beginning to think just back away from it all tbh. My in laws are seriously bad communicators. No reply from FIL after I left the voicemail. I personally want DH to get it back and not hand it over to MIL like he can't be trusted with it.

DH needs to take charge really but he won't. I seem to be the only one, along with MIL and you lovely mnetters, who is concerned over the moral principle of FIL basically nicking a sentimental and valuable heirloom from our house, in front of our eyes! Feeling almost despondent about it now. Like I'm going a bit mad.

OP posts:
thatdoesntsurpriseme · 19/09/2016 13:58

For god's sake. Grow a pair and tell FIL and BIL what you and DH think? I don't get all this pussyfooting around rubbish. How much worse off can you really be if they're mad at you for it? they're already shits.

Original poster
Doublemint · 19/09/2016 15:46

They aren't my family and I don't want to upset my DH who already just wants to leave it well alone.

OP posts:
MagikarpetRide · 19/09/2016 15:57

Good luck op and well done for standing up for your dh. Can't believe it's not even Fils side of the families. It definitely sounds like they've realised it's worth something.

notthebees · 19/09/2016 16:43

How can MIL demand it back? It's not her property is it?

ScarletOverkill · 19/09/2016 19:12

It's her father's watch notthebees I can see how she would think it would be safer with her

notthebees · 19/09/2016 19:30

It's op's DH's watch - left to BIL by his GF, and then he passed it on to op's DH.

Original poster
Doublemint · 19/09/2016 19:47

Sooooo I got DH to call his mum when he got home to sort it out. I was fed up of trying to fix it and don't want to come across as meddling to the in laws. MIL has insisted it comes back to her and she will pay for the effing repair job. She thinks FIL is trying to shit stir between the boys or screw DH over but she has no idea why.

DH has agreed FIL should give the watch to mil because he "doesn't think it's worth the stress anymore".

I don't really know how I feel about it tbh, I'm annoyed DH hasn't stood up to his dad or his mum and I'm sure they will keep treating him like a little boy who can't be trusted with grown up things like watches. Gah.

DH rang his dad to tell him to give it back to MIL and she will pay for the repair work. FIL laughed at him me. FIL never rang back nor acknowledged my voicemail I'd left.

All I was trying to do was the right thing and support DH but seems like he won't stand up to his dad or mum and once again they've completely overruled him and us.

Fucks sake. I feel upset and angry and I don't know at who or why really!

OP posts:
notthebees · 19/09/2016 19:52

His family all sound really overbearing.

toptoe · 19/09/2016 20:12

My gut tells me the watch may no longer be in FIL or BIL's possession. Why else would he want it and why did MIL say not to let him anywhere near your valuables. Sounds like he has form.

AbyssinianBanana · 19/09/2016 23:26

Your MIL doesn't get to dictate and override her father's will. That's what a will is for!

Her saying it never suited the grandson her Dad left the watches to, but the one he specifically didn't, sounds nothing more than shit stirring.

And you are right there OP in in with her.

MissMargie · 20/09/2016 08:41

You can't change other people you can only change yourself.

Not sure how you can change to fix this but you can change and decide not to have much to do with ILs in future. If DH wants regular contact wiht them you can tell him you don't want to hear him whinging about what they did or said, to or about him.

MissMargie · 20/09/2016 08:43

PS it took me many many years to realize that I didn't have be embroiled in all our family members' sagas and that I am not needed to fix them - let them get on with it.
Bliss

Memoires · 20/09/2016 08:52

He's got to have noticed it this time, your dh. So, next time it'll jump up and bite him.

I think you've done all you can, and now you just support your dh (if you want to, if you've not completely lost patience with him), but keep out.