To not want to go on an activity weekend outside in November 😫

[Rosewine72]

I know it's selfish but it's my dps auntys 70th she wants to get , kids, grandchildren etc together and do things like absailing, wall climbing, archery, other stuff and stay in dormitories , they provide meals but no cafes or anything! I just don't want to go it's my worst nightmare, I suffer from fibromyalgia and I don't tend to tell people as I feel judged, it's going to be freezing I don't know anyone I'm dreading it, but I've been told I have to go as its one of those things u have to do as its just expected , I suppose he feels obliged! Plus it's driving 3 hours after school to get there sorting out 4 kids plus myself and dp......it's my worst nightmare scream 😤. I know some would love it but 😱 ! .....you'd all just go wouldn't u and not moan 🙁

[Aeroflotgirl]

I know smartie why would your 'dh' let you drive when you are clearly unwell, or take part if its going to make you sick, sounds very cruel to me. Sorry it does.

[Aeroflotgirl]

His treatment of you when you were sick was not that of a loving husband. I think you have other issues tbh.

[Aeroflotgirl]

The outward trip for his Aunties birthday is not happening then, not your problem, he has refused to go and cut his nose to spite his face. Please don't go, think about you for a change. Let him go with the kids or by himself.

[Liiinoo]

HE is being unreasonable. If you don't want to go that is the end of it. Your reasons are irrelevant. I am quite introverted and although I am sociable I don't like to go out too often in one week - I find it draining. If there is a choice of going out with my mates or my family or my DHs family it is quite likely to be the DHs family invitation I decline. DH will accept on his own behalf and say I can't make it. No drama or explanations needed.

Conversely we hosted a massive party last week. Some siblings/cousins/friends accepted for the couple or the family. Some accepted just for themselves and some people declined. We didn't demand explanations about why people didn't attend. Like other posters have said, it was an invitation not a summons.

[PGPsabitch]

Yanbu.

He is trying to guilt and blackmail you into something that you both know will make you Ill.

He is rubbish at sympathy or empathy when you are ill.

Tell him you won't be going and if he guilts then shrug and say 'well if you chose not to go that's your choice, you'll have to explain to your aunt why you aren't going.'

When he is ill does he expext empathy?

[BagelGoesWalking]

I said I'll go and see my dad who has terminal cancer as I want to spend as much time with him as possible. He just said he's not going on his own either we all go or not at all,

Jesus Christ, there is no way I'd be going anywhere (certainly not the party from hell) with my dad ill in hospital AND with a medical condition that would be made infinitely worse by going.

You've got to stand up to him. So he doesn't go, what would happen then? Are he and his family incapable of understanding that you find it hard to do certain things and you would be in actual pain and suffering if you did?
You really need to sit him down for a proper talk, perhaps with your consultant, to get it into his (your DH) thick head what is going on.

[Rosewine72]

Well I just spoke to him again, he admits he didn't realise how much I struggle with things, but then he just says there is nothing I wouldn't do with you, I would just do it and he would but then he hasn't got a health problem and he is just different to me! I explained how I didn't complain about centr parks and I did it for him and his mum and his family, he was like but it was my mums 70th why wouldn't u go 🙄 He doesn't get it! He is still saying I should see how I feel nearer the time of this trip as I might feel ok, and obviously I won't be forced to any activities I don't want to do, it won't be that cold the building will have central heating, some of them are 70 odd they won't be doing things and the aunty is bringing craft materials for those not doing outdoor activities! great i'll sit with the 70 year olds then. He's just made me feel so selfish he also said the kids will enjoy it even my dd when she gets there, which she probably would! If I don't go am I not going to allow my kids to go then or what?! So that means he would feel it too much to go with all 4 of them on his own, which I do understand tbh! I still just think it would be an endurance weekend like so many others I've done 😳

[PGPsabitch]

He really has no empathy and us still guilting. I wouldn't wish injury on anyone op but the only way my dfriend understood how bad my ibs was was when she got noro and ended up with it afterwards.

You know your body. Put the guilt back on him. Tell him you'd never expect him to do anything that would make him I'll and would be supportive instead. Tell him you aren't going, what he chooses to do is up to him.

[BagelGoesWalking]

How old are your and his children?

How difficult would it really be for him if he took them on his own, with all his family around to give a hand and organised activities/food/lodging all sorted out already?

He's being incredibly selfish. Does he not understand what this means? "chronic widespread pain and a heightened pain response to pressure."

I plead with you to just say no, I can't do it. I'm not being selfish, I will be in awful pain the whole weekend, I just CAN'T. Explain to him that it will be like asking him to climb a mountain with two broken legs

I'm really sorry that you're in this position. I'm sure it's the last thing you want to be doing, arguing about it when it should be something that is understood. Does he not see how you struggle in day-to-day activities?

[Rosewine72]

He says sometimes in life u have to do things u don't want to, she's 70 and sees it maybe as the last time everyone will get together, myself and all the children have only met her once as they used to live in Russia . He says his brother and family don't really want to go but they still doing it.

My dad by btw is not in hospital he has cancer but he is at home but I thought by giving dp my blessing to go while I visit it my dad might be a compromise but he sees it differently , he just thinks in life u have to go to things u don't want to! Well I have, loads and his mum was more important to all of us than his aunty we never see!

[BagelGoesWalking]

I'm glad to hear your Dad is at home, rather than hospital.

As your H is being such a knobhead, is there any chance of enlisting help from someone else in his family? I assume from the way you wrote that his mum has passed away?

[Aeroflotgirl]

No please look after number one, he is the kids father he can bloody take them. God he is being quite bullying on the verge of abusive. He does not get it. I would sit down and get him to read information about fibro, you tube sufferers taking about it. He wants you to suffer so he does not loose face. There will always be something else. No is a complete sentence, if he does not respect you, that's a dealbreaker. I could not be with someone who does not care or respect me.

[BagelGoesWalking]

In life, as an adult, you should have choices.

What aeroflot said. You should be able to say NO about bloody important things like your health. Just keep saying NO from now until November.

Also, get a Dr/Consultant appt and take him to it, so he can hear what effect such a weekend would have on your health. Is he is any way supportive?

However hard he tries to persuade you. FGS, you should not have to feel browbeaten into doing this.

[YouTheCat]

Tell him 'no'. No matter how he tries to guilt you, stick to that no like glue.

He can go and spend time with his family. You can spend time with yours.

Or you could make that a permanent arrangement.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Fribro I was reading, is a lifelong condition, so won't magically go by November, he hasent got a clue. With your condition, sounds my idea of hell. Actually sounds awful anyway, that kind of year.As it's colder I gather it makes your condition worse.

[merrymouse]

she's 70 and sees it maybe as the last time everyone will get together, myself and all the children have only met her once as they used to live in Russia . He says his brother and family don't really want to go but they still doing it.

Doesnt sound as though the family will want to see each other again after this trip.

I just can't work out the bit that is supposed to be fun. Again, I like this kind of thing, but wouldn't enjoy doing it with people who were frightened, bored or in pain; and the whole point of getting cold, wet and tired is to be somewhere cosy and warm afterwards.

[merrymouse]

Is she trying to copy the centre parcs weekend? Centre parcs deliberately try to attract people by providing activities (spas, cafes) and a location that are attractive to a broad range of people. This doesn't sound like that at all.

[Rosewine72]

Yes I'm always worse from October onwards really, I don't have it as bad as some I know that, but it is a daily struggle but I do have good days so I think he is hoping /thinking it may be then. I think if I speak to the aunty, she may well sympathise but perhaps say well don't worry u don't have to do any of the activities , I can sit with them do crafty things etc. But I actually don't have to do anything some days to feel awful, lack of sleep is a big thing for my condition and in her e mail she does say to bring extra sleeping bags covers as it will be cold at night. I sound pathetic I guess although people on here seem to understand. I just can't believe he's more concerned about letting the side down, he's not even that bothered about going. He thinks it's funny that I'm a bit grumpy about going.

[YouTheCat]

Don't be a bit grumpy. Be angry that he's putting a family jolly over your health.

[insancerre]

Just tell him you are not going and he is to make his own arrangements if he wants to go
Then don't discuss it any further

[Rosewine72]

Merry I thought that about the centre parcs thing, but I could go and sit and have a hot chocolate or whatever plus they had a spa so I went for a relaxing treatment with my mil and paid for treatment as a gift and I could go back to the villa and a lovely villa it was too, but here we're sharing no space no cafes , I've looked it does tend to be a venue they use for school camping trips not 70th parties lol! But u know that's her choice but well it's not mine 😔

[JellyBelli]

Who makes an elderly man with Parkinsons hang around in the cold watching a bunch of kids climb stuff? What kind of family does this?

No wonder your DH cant understand your problem. does he think if you just put a bit more effort in you'll be as fit as everyone else?
Stop placating him and tell him to put broken glass in his shoes, put 20lbs in his rucksack, then everyone else wants him to jog 5 miles to please an old lady.

[Toffeelatteplease]

your "D"P is an abusive arse

[Aeroflotgirl]

No no no. Your dh sounds quite cruel actually putting you through that. Sounds like he's having a bit of a laugh. Even without fibro, I would find it awful. The lodgings sound crap at my age I like my comforts, I am not 15 anynore and don't like slumming it if I don't have to.

[Cinnamoncookie]

I don't usually advocate this, but show him this thread?