To not want to go on an activity weekend outside in November 😫

[Rosewine72]

I know it's selfish but it's my dps auntys 70th she wants to get , kids, grandchildren etc together and do things like absailing, wall climbing, archery, other stuff and stay in dormitories , they provide meals but no cafes or anything! I just don't want to go it's my worst nightmare, I suffer from fibromyalgia and I don't tend to tell people as I feel judged, it's going to be freezing I don't know anyone I'm dreading it, but I've been told I have to go as its one of those things u have to do as its just expected , I suppose he feels obliged! Plus it's driving 3 hours after school to get there sorting out 4 kids plus myself and dp......it's my worst nightmare scream 😤. I know some would love it but 😱 ! .....you'd all just go wouldn't u and not moan 🙁

[Aeroflotgirl]

OP the more you tell us about him, the worse it gets. You haven't got a loving supportive husband there I am afraid. Listen to your doctor and your body, don't do it. You also need to take a good look at your relationship too.

[Rosewine72]

I'm just letting it all out now lol. We're not married btw

[Aeroflotgirl]

That's good, please don't marry him, he sounds bullying.

[merrymouse]

rose.

Even if you give in on this, how long can you keep doing this?

[Rosewine72]

Well yeh but friends don't really understand either, one said oh take some wine you'll be ok 😳

[liletsthepink]

Your illness isn't the problem here, it's your nasty, unsympathetic, unfeeling DP!

[wonderwoo]

I understand how all-consuming guilt can feel OP. But just because you feel guilty, doesnt mean you are actually guilty of anything. It's an emotion that we are trained to feel throughout our childhood, or indeed through people like your DP. You can choose to acknowledge that feeling is there and then remind yourself that you chose not to go ( orwhatever else it is that you have done ) for good reasons. In time you will find that you don't feel guilty as much for things that you shouldn't do.

You will get negative/surprised/confused reactions from people when you first start changing how you respond to invitations, as they are so used to do saying yes and hiding your illness. But the decent people will listen to your reasons and understand. If they don't do that, despite giving them the chance, then they are not worth bothering with. It's hard living with chronic illness, and I have found that people have turned their backs on me or I have had to let people go, but the silver lining is that the people I have around me now, are lovely, kind and understanding people.

I really get the impression that you put other peoples' needs and wants before your own and they have certain expectations of you that you feel you cannot challenge. But this obviously is not good for your health or indeed your happiness (I am thinking if you crying in the toilets at parties). I hope that over time, and through the support of this post that you could make some changes and start saying no when it's not in your interests.

[Aeroflotgirl]

My goodness you have some rubbish friends and a rubbish partner, poor you

[liletsthepink]

Oh and to answer you question in the op - no way in hell would I go to that weekend!

[sausagefest]

I have fibromyalgia and my dh looks out for me and helps me to put my health first.

Consequently I have got loads better .

Loads of people don't understand it so I really try to keep my distance from them.

I think your dh is horrible tbh. You deserve better .. Don't go on the weekend . everyone including your dh will be fine.

[sausagefest]

Wonderwoo says it brilliantly

[Rosewine72]

Wonderwoo thank u so much for those words, I do try not to discuss or mention my illness with anyone as I've always had negative responses 'you've just got to get on with it' 'oh isn't fibromyalgia the one that's just in your head' some the comments I've had. You do get used to that response to the point I try to pretend I'm ok unless so bad I can't pretend. Now there has been times when dp has been supportive particularly when I'm obviously ill, but even then sometimes if we've arranged to go out say to the cinema he'll say well you've only got to sit there, and I think well that's true ,but it's still an effort when u don't feel well or have a splitting headache that won't go but u know it's not as bad as a whole weekend! He doesn't get it no, he thinks he does but he doesn't , all I can do is keep trying or leave. Tbh all my ex's were the same though so I just thought it's what to expect from them .

[Rosewine72]

Sausagefest that's lovely he looks out for you, I take it he wouldn't accept a weekend like that on your behalf then 🙄 X

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just re reading your op, your partner wants you to go so you can sort him and the kids out, leaving him to have a nice jolly, no wonder he's disappointed, and won't take the kids on his own. He will actually have to do some work.

[Aeroflotgirl]

He carers about everyone else accept you!

[Rosewine72]

That's how it feels aero, he says he's in a difficult situation cos he feels obliged!

[wonderwoo]

I understand what you are saying. I have had similar responses people about how its all in my head, how I just need to get on with it, etc etc. I still get those responses from people I don't know well, but not from people who are close to me.

People I don't know well, I don't tell about being ill, and just make my excuses - or I tell them I have a chronic illness, but not what it is. If they ask, I have learned to say "I don't like to talk about it". I used to feel that I had to tell them if they asked, but why should I? Its very personal, and its your information to offer, not theirs to demand just so that they can judge whether you are adequately ill in their opinion.

I still do as you do - pretend I am not unwell - in certain situations. For example if I am around people who do not know me well. I find I can push through if necessary, but always suffer afterwards, so I try not to do it unless really necessary. Life is so much better now, because my health is more stable and I make my own decisions and judgements about what I can or cannot manage, and I base these decisions mainly on what is right for me.

In the privacy of my own home, I am able to be honest about how well I am. My DP does not question how real it is and whether I really need to rest. There are men out there, who will give you the respect you deserve and accept what you say as the truth they won't expect you to change something so fundamental and unchangeable as how well you are, for their benefit. It sounds like he is able to be understanding, as long as its not inconvenient for him. Please don't believe that all men are like this.

I am not telling you that you should leave him or ditch your friends. But I want you to know that it doesn't have to be like this. Nothing will change however, unless you have higher expectations of the people around you. That will probably involve some losses - of people who cannot meet those expectations. As painful as that would be, I am sure that you will be happier and stronger in the end. Wouldn't it be brilliant if you could make plans around how you think it would suit you/affect your health, rather than what other people would think/whether your DP is happy etc etc

BTW you don't have to justify and explain your illness to everyone all the time, if you cancel or say you cannot do things. You just have to say "I have a chronic illness and I cannot manage that at present, but thank you for the invite". People don't need to know exactly why, what your symptoms are, what your illness is. You can add further information in as you choose, and answer questions if you feel you want to. But its not necessary. If people judge you and think they know better about how your illness impacts you, then don't bother with them anymore. Its so hard, I know. And it can be very lonely at times being ill, because so many people just don't get it. And having an illness that people think is not as real as other more worthy (in their opinion) conditions, makes it so much harder. But there are many of us out here.

I find, even with people who are okay with me, I rarely actually talk about my illness. People are really funny about it. I am not sure why, but it makes people very uncomfortable and awkward. I have realised over time that it doesn't necessarily mean they don't believe me or don't care though. But if anyone tries to pressure me and say the things your friends have said to you, then that's a different matter.

Sorry for the long ramble!

[bloodyteenagers]

After everything I have read, I actually don't understand why you are with him. He should be doing everything he can to look after you, don't forcing you to do stuff that you simply cannot. That's not a loving relationship. Sorry.

But anyway. It seems you are in contact with the mil. I would shame the fucker. Contact her, friendly chat. Get the chat onto this horrific thing and say oh l, he hasn't told you? No I'm not coming. Not only do I have my own health to consider, but I want to spend as much time with dad before the cancer takes him. So me and dc's are seeing him whilst partner and dc's come for the activity thing. I'm sure you'll all have fun cannot wait to see pics etc.

Unless he gets his attitude from her, she will understand.

And if he still pushes it I would be reconsidering if this is the man for me.. Butt hats just me I don't get bullied into doing stuff I don't want to. Life's too short to be a people pleaser.

[YouTheCat]

Butt hats!

[sausagefest]

No OP he wouldn't.

Wonderwoo is giving excellent advice. I agree with everything she's written, in fact I'm storing it up for myself.

Having people around you who accept, understand and support you in managing your illness makes a huge difference to symptoms.

[Rosewine72]

Ok so dp and me had a heart to heart, it did get a bit heated as I wanted to get my point across! He agreed and apologised for being selfish wanting me to come with him, he just said I wanted u to come but yeh I see that is selfish now yeh! He said I don't seem too bad ill wise so he thought I was ok, I explained to him I take painkillers every day, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't 😔. I explained exactly how a weekend like that would be, he seemed quite shocked. But what he did say and I have to take on board is I'm not always honest about how I'm feeling so he thinks I'm ok when I'm not! So I've promised to be more honest. We went right back to the theme park day and the Xmas I was ill, he said the theme park day I insisted on going because I didn't want to let kids down, I. Said he shouldn't of let me drive like that, he said he shouldn't but I seemed determined! Anyway he said I don't have to go on this weekend thing and he will go on his own but he doesn't want to! I've promised to be more open about how I'm feeling!

[YouTheCat]

If he doesn't want to go with his own family, why the hell would he expect you to want to, regardless of your health?

I'm glad you've had it out with him.

[wonderwoo]

That sounds really positive. Well done you.You have listened to each other and both taken on board something you can do to make things better.

He is right in that he needs you to be open and honest. He won't understand how you struggle if you don't tell him. If you do that with one person, it needs to be him. Just keep practising. Also, tell him what you need from him. Fingers crossed he will continue to listen and understand.

I do find that my DP never suggests that I lie down, that I shouldn't drive etc. Even if I have told him how I am struggling. I don't know why- I do it for him if he is unwell. I suppose we are just all different. So I have to take that responsibility for myself and say what I need eg i need to lie down, can you drive etc. But he is always great when I do tell him what I need, he just doesn't offer.

I am sorry, but I have to say that the wording does concern me. He said that you "don't have to go". I hope he knows you don't need his permission and it is your choice whether you go or not.

[bloodyteenagers]

I really hope I am reading this wrong, because it still sounds like you need to seek his permission to do things or not. And rather than being a grown up, he is still taking the stance of well if you aint going neither am I.
Op, really you shouldn't need to explain to him how the illness affects you. He lives with you. He sees you at your best and he sees you at your worst. There shouldn't need to be any need at this point to say a thing. Ok, benefit of the doubt, maybe once, which you have already done.

[Aeroflotgirl]

That is fantastic op. You now need to stop hiding it and be honest, don't grit your teeth and push through. If you are not feeling well tell him how you feel, you are doing yourself no favours if you hide it. Good luck💐💐💐💐