To not want to go on an activity weekend outside in November 😫

[Rosewine72]

I know it's selfish but it's my dps auntys 70th she wants to get , kids, grandchildren etc together and do things like absailing, wall climbing, archery, other stuff and stay in dormitories , they provide meals but no cafes or anything! I just don't want to go it's my worst nightmare, I suffer from fibromyalgia and I don't tend to tell people as I feel judged, it's going to be freezing I don't know anyone I'm dreading it, but I've been told I have to go as its one of those things u have to do as its just expected , I suppose he feels obliged! Plus it's driving 3 hours after school to get there sorting out 4 kids plus myself and dp......it's my worst nightmare scream 😤. I know some would love it but 😱 ! .....you'd all just go wouldn't u and not moan 🙁

[merrymouse]

It sounds as though the family are agreeing to this out of some weird sense of politeness, when it all just seems ill advised.

In November in the UK there is a high chance that weather will lead to cancellation of some activities anyway.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Really him not supporting you and not respecting you as he is, and has done in the past, would make me think less of him as a husband and partner.

[StealthPolarBear]

" sometimes in life u have to do things u don't want to"
Does that include supporting your sick wife?

[iamEarthymama]

My GP would be happy to tell my partner, (though if she was as unwilling to recognise my arthritis as your oblivious bloke, she wouldn't be my partner) that any such activity would not be conducive to my well-being.
Maybe take him along to an appointment?

Then you need to look at why you feel everyone is more important than you.
You are allowed to say no, just because you don't want to go!
Please look for some support with your self-esteem, you need to model standing up for yourself to your children.

I would have said, "don't be so bloody soft, I am not doing that! Happy for you to go, but I am off to see Father. You can take the children."

[DoreenLethal]

He says sometimes in life u have to do things u don't want to

'Ditto husband. You don't seem to want to go alone but you will have to'.

[Deux]

He doesn't have your best interests at heart. This is just awful.

He is manipulating you and is more concerned about how he thinks he will be perceived by others. Or more likely he wants you there to do all the sorting out of kids whilst he swans around unencumbered.

I suspect that as you've acquiesced before then he thinks that if he just goes on that you will give in.

I agree with PPs. This is a time where he has to do what he doesn't want to do - go on his own.

And don't fall for the 'oh this might be the last time everyone's together' trick as he might still be trotting that out in 10 years.

He's manipulating you. Is he like this in other areas?

[smartiecake]

Your reply should be 'I have done plenty of things I didn't want to,
Like driving to that theme park after I had been sick and fainted' and list others. To quote mumsnet 'no is a complete sentence'. No - because you don't want to. And like others have said he can take the kids in his own, to follow his rule of sometimes in life we have to do things we don't want to. He wants you to go so you can run round after the kids all weekend. If you don't go he will have to do all of the hard work. He sounds very selfish and I think you should start saying 'no' a bit more. He may eventually start to listen!

[MaryMargaret]

'It was my Mum's birthday why wouldn't you go?' ...I know you were fond of his mum but still the answer to 'why wouldn't you go' - and an extremely obvious answer which he seems to have missed, is: "I Am Not You. I am Not The Same Person As You."

He is like a baby. Presumably he assumes when he is hungry, you want something to eat. When he is hot, you want the window open. Because, in his mind, you are just an extension of him, there is only one person in the world and it is him - a bloke who is lucky enough to have 'grown' a wife like some people grow a beard - only handier.

[Rosewine72]

Well I've just emailed him info about fibro and what I have to endure every day as well as run my own therapy business, look after 4 kids and run a house . It also says how weather makes a big difference , how not sleeping makes it worse and it can come on suddenly and be extreme! U never know. I feel bad and wonder if the whole family will turn against me for not going, his mum is still with us and a good Spritely 70 , I guess it's her we'd be doing it for as its her sister but I still feel physically sick at the thought of it. It's even just the packing that makes me ill sometimes , it's ridiculous but it's a fact! I can't help it, I do try and help myself which is why I think I have got better lately but this ......no!

[PGPsabitch]

I'd suggest you are honest with his family op if you feel happy sharing the truth.

As an adult some things like pay taxes, drag yourself to work etc you do have to do. Other things like attending parties and events and meals you do not.

What he as an adult has to do is to stop acting like a brat and get on with it without you holding his hand.

When he says that there are things adults need to do I would counter with, 'yes like be less ignorant, more empathetic and support your loved ones when they need it. In short Fuck off with your manipulations, put on your big boy pants and go by yourself.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Good on you, please try to get past the idea you have that, you will be letting everyone down, because you won't! Has your h told you this, or made you feel like that! He sounds almost cruel, knowing that you suffer from this condition, and that you suffered so much at Centre Parks to not support you and to make you feel bad. Can you talk to his mum and tell her about your condition?

[greenfolder]

In that case you need to say " I will not be going. I will not change my mind"

[bluebeck]

It's awful that you have to send him an email with details of your condition OP, you do realise that?

I had a DP with RA and I researched every aspect of it, because I cared about him and wanted to know how I could help.

This weekend business is crazy, but to be honest it sounds like the tip of an awfully horrible iceberg.

[RunnyRattata]

If he believes that sometimes in life a person has to do things they don't want to do, why doesn't that apply to him taking the kids without you?
The more you tell us about him, the bigger an arsehole he sounds tbh.

[Rosewine72]

To be honest I've told him before , the symptoms etc he forgets goes back into lets do this and that and I do most things tbh, sometimes I am suffering and on painkillers and I think most people with fibro would be surprised at what I actually manage to do , but surely I'm entitled to say no to one thing! I just think they will still say oh u won't have to do any of the activities what's the problem .

[MaryMargaret]

What's the problem? More like what's the point???? What a grim, dull uncomfortable waste of a weekend. Ugh. We were due to join inlaws at the seaside one time - I had a nasty cut on my foot so wlkkig was difficult, sea bathing was out. Sure I could have gone along and sat around all day reading the paper in a cramped caravan, but no-one thought it the least bit odd that I didn't.

[Rosewine72]

Yeh maybe I'm over thinking it, just can't help feeling guilty, this is the first time though I have said I don't want to go to anything!!!

[Aeroflotgirl]

You stick by your Guns on this, no no no. Once you start doing so and being assertive to him, it will be a fantastic feeling.

[MotherFuckingChainsaw]

I have often found 'what part of No do you not understand ' to be a useful phrase.

Youve explained and better explained why you can't do this kind of thing and how much pain you are in over the years. Now it's time for the broken record.

[smartiecake]

Just stick to your guns, you can't be made to do something you don't want to do, you are an adult. Time to start putting your own needs first for once, I bet like lots of mums everyone else comes first. However that weekend sounds grim beyond belief and if you are ill, need a lie down, or Don't want to go out that day then it's time to start saying so and doing what you need to do for your own health. It's quite obvious That no one else will if you don't. Just stick with your no. And tell your DH that you are going to spend the weekend with your dad on your own. Time for a bit of 'me' time. No guilt needed whatsoever!

[DoreenLethal]

this is the first time though I have said I don't want to go to anything!

So start saying no more often. It seems he needs practice in listening to you saying no.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He says sometimes in life u have to do things u don't want to"
You need to use this. 'Yes, and you need to go to this event without me.'

"Oh and I did suggest that he goes with the kids , or his own kids as we're a blended family 2 are his 2 are mine. I said I'll go and see my dad who has terminal cancer as I want to spend as much time with him as possible. He just said he's not going on his own either we all go or not at all, and to please do it for him! "
my jaw dropped at this. He should be supporting you at this difficult time, not whining about how "he thinks it will look really bad if I don't go!" Seriously, he is coming across as one incredibly entitled arsewipe.

You've said you've told him before about what makes your fibro worse, he improves for a bit and then 'forgets'. Might I respectfully suggest that this is less to do with his memory and more to do with his convenience? He knows you will put yourself out for him and he plays on it. Because getting what he wants is more important to him than your health and welfare . Ponder that awhile OP.

How long have you been together?

[Rosewine72]

Thanks for your support , it does help, I will stick to my guns he is acting odd around me atm, he sees it different to me sigh! But I am truly fed up putting myself through endurance tasks like this.

I reminded him about a Xmas 2 years ago , I was really ill from about July right through Xmas to about the spring that was the worst I have ever been. I struggled to go all the parties and social events with him, to the point I was in tears I kept running to the toilet to cry it was horrendous . I should never of gone , he should never of made me but I did . I hated it as believe it or not I am quite a social person I was just going through a really bad time with my health then, I even thought I might loose him , I lost clients during that time and I lost friends who didn't understand. But somehow I did get through it and sorted myself out with the Drs help but it was a nightmare, the Drs said then to listen to my body not over do it as it causes a flare up with fibro!
I remember on New Year's Eve that year we were going out, I didn't want to but again for the kids and him I did, I mean I wanted to but I knew I wasn't well enough,he suggested we walked to this place so we could drink, I explained I couldn't walk to the end of the road never mind a mile down the road, I also explained I wouldn't be drinking! His reaction was but its New Year's Eve . I said I don't care wot day it is if I can't walk I can't walk . I ended up driving and feeling odd all night but I did it x

[MaryMargaret]

So you are putting yourself through this in case you lose him? No! no! no! Would he do the same for you, do you think???

That's why we way 'in sickness and in health' in the marriage vows. You did not say 'in sickness that I will pretend isn't happening and in health'. If that's what he thought you were saying, he needs to cop on to himself.

If he can be 'lost' because his wife is ill...well, words fail me tbh.