To not want to go on an activity weekend outside in November 😫

[Rosewine72]

I know it's selfish but it's my dps auntys 70th she wants to get , kids, grandchildren etc together and do things like absailing, wall climbing, archery, other stuff and stay in dormitories , they provide meals but no cafes or anything! I just don't want to go it's my worst nightmare, I suffer from fibromyalgia and I don't tend to tell people as I feel judged, it's going to be freezing I don't know anyone I'm dreading it, but I've been told I have to go as its one of those things u have to do as its just expected , I suppose he feels obliged! Plus it's driving 3 hours after school to get there sorting out 4 kids plus myself and dp......it's my worst nightmare scream 😤. I know some would love it but 😱 ! .....you'd all just go wouldn't u and not moan 🙁

[blueturtle6]

Sprain your ankle the day before, stay at home with hot chocolate.
Id love that sort of weekend, but wouldn't force it on anyone else.

[Rosewine72]

Ha that made me laugh blue! The thing is I have done so many things I've not wanted to or struggled to do due to this fibro to make him and the kids happy not let them down!! Once I was so ill and weak I fainted , I then drove 2 hours to a theme park to keep everyone happy, I was sick I was aching , in the end I said I've got to go home, fortunately we brought 2 cars , now that was in a way my own stupidity as I said I'll go for the kids sake but not once did my dp say no u shouldn't drive etc! He knew I was ill and when I got there being sick cos I was so exhausted he still went on about staying till it closed at 8pm that particular night. That's just one occasion I can think of there's been loads. I did go to centre parks for his mums 70th , I was worried how I would be and although I was headachy and tired I did manage to do some swimming and ride a bike and I sat in a cafe when I didn't want to join in and once I went back to the villa for a nap, it was fine but I slept for about 3 days when I got back.
My dp is not a bad person generally but he really doesn't understand my illness and I don't think he realises how much I do push myself to do things and how some days taking the dogs for a walk is difficult. I have explained and he at the time sympathises but then forgets.
I think what has annoyed me is he knew I didn't want to go, and while I was sitting there he messaged to say we were up for it . I wanted to just cry there and then!

[Rosewine72]

Oh and I did suggest that he goes with the kids , or his own kids as we're a blended family 2 are his 2 are mine. I said I'll go and see my dad who has terminal cancer as I want to spend as much time with him as possible. He just said he's not going on his own either we all go or not at all, and to please do it for him! 🙁

[RunnyRattata]

He sounds like a complete jerk. Stick to your guns. Take control of this by telling him you will be the one ringing his Aunt to tell her why you won't be going and ask him if he'd like you to explain to her at the same time why he's decided that he won't be going.
What a twat.

[ClashCityRocker]

Tbh I think when planning that sort of birthday event it's inevitable that some guests are not going to want to go and if your dhs aunt is reasonable she'll realise that. After all, it's not everyone's cup of tea.

The accomodation is usually lousy and uncomfortable and not somewhere where you can lounge around in comfy clothes with a mug of hot choc and a good book whilst everyone else goes out, or go to bed for a rest when you need to.

Yanbu op put your foot down and tell him you're not going. I am sure his aunt would not want you to do something that is likely to cause you so much pain and suffering just for her 70th birthday.

[1sttimedaddy83]

If my wife didn't want to go I'd still take the kids and explain why she didn't want to go and if she didn't like it me and the kids wouldn't be going either. Tell your husband to man up and stand up for his lady.

[Steppenwolfe]

Fuck no ! Wouldn't dream of it - serious illness or not .
Do not give in to your partner's emotional blackmail. Call him on that one. If no one goes then no one goes ...pity . That's his decision . Contact Auntie 70 and explain impossible to attend- but your partner has offered to buy you all a lovely lunch to celebrate her birthday ! Woohoo .. Eat, smirk and enjoy

[StealthPolarBear]

Staying in dormitories

[greenfolder]

That is my idea of absolute hell. I would refuse to do and so would my daughters. Let your husband go. I flatly refused to do a team building think in the Lakes in the winter with work. I have a low threshold for dark, rain, physical discomfort and people twatting about showing off. Not to mention sharing a room with people I find hard to bear in an open plan office.

[ChasedByBees]

Go and see your dad. That is the right thing to do here. He can then make up his own mind about what to do as an independent grown up.

[merrymouse]

Sounds strange. I quite like those kind of activities, but I wouldn't expect my entire extended family to want to do them - I bet you aren't the only one who isn't very keen.

Honestly, if you have health problems the organisers would have good reason not to allow you to participate. You always have to sign a disclaimer to take part in activities like this.

[insancerre]

Yanbu
Sounds like hell
Your dp is being unreasonable

My mil was 70 recently

We had a tea party, with lots of food and wine and then we played bingo

Thats what 70 year olds do

Not abseiling
Or sleeping in dormitories

What's wrong with her? Is she some sort of sadist? :)

Go and see your dad

[FinallyHere]

Not sure about this, he won't go without out you and is afraid that it will 'look bad' if you don't turn up.

The whole point about having a partner in life is for them to have your back. Gently encourage you, too, but generally make your life better. How does he measure up? Have you been clear with him about how you are struggling,mir just martyring yourself, suffering in silence?

Time to reset your boundaries, all the very best.

p.s. adults don't have to do anything they don't want to do, we just have to deal with the consequences.

[MaryMargaret]

That's the bit I don't understand - he 'won't go' without you. Whyever not? There will presumably be a lot of other adults about, and other kids - the kids who want to go are likely to have a ball (why kids don't feel the cold I cannot fathom, but mine seldom did). Is he that much of a wuss? Or is he not comfortable flying solo with his step dcs?

Seriously, you will have a horrible time. Remind him of the theme park day and ask how that's going to pan out on a rainy hillside. Ridiculous. YY to idea of taking aunty out for a meal, admiring her vigour at 70 and wishing them all a a fab weekend.

In general I have a big bugbear about the numerous posters on here who are dragged to major several-day activities relating to their OH family members. 100th birthdays, golden wedding etc of immediate PiLs, sibs weddings (so long as its somewhere nice and affordable) but other than that I would draw the line. The people organising the activities surely have to choose between something short, accessible and undrastic (like, you know, a party) and that way get to see all the cousins and nieces and inlaws - or something expensive, drastic or long drawn out, confined just to close family. Combining the two seems the height of self-regard (if aunty has organised the three line whip - which of course whe may not have at all.)

If I had opted for version two I would only want people to come who wanted to be there. What's the point otherwise? Other people's misery and tension - who needs that ever, and particularly on their birthday? Chances are she'd be mortified to think her party was making you ill!! Perhaps you should point that out to him.

[KC225]

Another one for telling him you cannot go. Ring his Aunty yourself. Apologise for declining the invite, explain about your illness and how the other events have left you feeling. Tell her her your DD won't be coming either as 'you know what teenagers are like she can't bear to be parted from her friends for five minutes'. Tell Aunt that DH and other children will come.

Tell your DH you have spoken to his Aunty, you have sorted it all out and here are some printouts to read out my illness. The fact that you have gone to these activities before swings in your favour. You are not going and he cannot force you.

[wonderwoo]

It's unanimous OP (or very nearly). YANBU. People feel obviously really strongly about the situation you are in. I hope it gives you some strength to stand up for yourself and to put your health first. It doesnt mean you don't care about DP, DC or wider family, it just means you cannot do this, for good reason. I hope that they can see that too.

[MrsWooster]

I like stuff like this and I still think YANBU. Your DH just can't call the shots like this but it does seem like you have set up a dynamic of 'self sacrifice' with days like the theme park debacle. Sounds like you need a Sit Down and set up some clear boundaries and explain exactly what your illness entails. You are equals in this relationship but sometimes no IS a complete sentence!

[MaryMargaret]

What's really worrying though is that he thinks he can say you've 'got to go' . What's he talking about? Me & DH would not talk to each other like that unless there was genuine peril eg bailiffs at the door or someone's safety at risk.

HE CANNOT ORDER YOU ABOUT. HE IS YOUR HUSBAND NOT YOUR BOSS. You really really need to get your head round that - please? You seem to be in some doubt?

[Aeroflotgirl]

Bloody hell sod that for a game of soldiers, no no no, nobody should do something that they do not want to do, especially as you have a health condition. Don't go and let dp take the kids.

[DoreenLethal]

He just said he's not going on his own either we all go or not at all, and to please do it for him!

Oh well, if he wants to cut off his nose to spite his face then that is his decision to make. It is an invite not a summons. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail here!

[merrymouse]

Reading your post about the theme park he seems to live in a fantasy world - how does he honestly expect the weekend to pan out?

[sandragreen]

Sorry but your DP sounds like a cunt.

He told you that "You have to go." Who made him the boss of you? It sound like hell, no way would I go.

Just say you aren't going, and that there won't be any further discussion. If he doesn't want to go without you (why not? Is he afraid of parenting without you?) then he is an adult and that is his decision.

I would nip this in the bud and call the aunty in question, explain your illness and that you are sure DP will have a lovely time and it gives you the opportunity to spend some much needed child free time with your terminally ill father. I bet she will think you are lovely for taking the time to call.

This will leave your DP nowhere to go with his "It's expected of you" bollocks.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I have just read your others posts, your 'DP' does not sound so nice at all, sorry he does not. Don't go then if he takes that attitude! Take care of yourself my dear, as nobody is going to. He sounds almost abusive, how he treated you at Centre Parks is a disgrace! He has had some sort of empathy bypass. Please don't go to please everyone, do what is best for you.

[smartiecake]

That sounds like my idea of hell, I really think you should start putting yourself first OP. There would be no way I would go and I don't have any health problems. I think you need to start saying no to things and putting yourself first, why on earth would you have driven to a theme park when you were so I'll, and why on earth would your H let you? I think you and your priorities are bottom of the priority order and if you don't start putting your needs first no one else will.
OP you really need to just say you are not going and you go and see your dad. Surely spending time with him is the most important thing that weekend. So what you want to do OP and don't be coerced into this weekend away.