to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

I'm another mother who's had quite the opposite experience with midwives and HVs trying to push formula on me when the kids have lost weight in the weeks after birth. As a PP mentioned they like to be able to measure and quantify what's going in and you can't do that with EBF.

My experience is also that when a BF baby is losing weight then the professional's response is usually "give formula" as opposed to offering breast feeding support. As felloutofbedsaid it's all about quick fixes and the easiest way of measuring and monitoring.

Sorry if my use of the term artificial milk had offended anyone. I recently had some one refer to formula as "the proper stuff" to me. As in when you going to give your baby a bottle of the proper stuff and get your life back. It's quite hard to argue in real life with people who say they couldn't bf- reality it's bloody hard work and I had all the issues you complain about but persevered- without offending them. Yet they are free to offend me for making the choices I have.

Yet they are free to offend me for making the choices I have.

Completely empathise with this. Some of my family, well, most of them were very negative about my choice to breast feed, constantly made underhanded negative remarks about how I was doing DS a disservice by BF'ing him and said they couldn't understand why I'd want to do it when formula is available. It was so demoralising to have to listen to it all the time. I eventually stopped visiting the worst offenders as it was just upsetting me.

The "bullying" works both ways in my opinion.

"I had all the issues you complain about but persevered"
I don't think you can say that because you can't possibly be certain.

It's hard to argue in real life with people who say they couldn't bf- reality it's bloody hard work and I had all the issues you complain about but persevered- without offending them

No, you didn't. You just didn't.

I know about perseverance. I "persevered" with DS1 through three months of exclusive expressing, inverted nipples, two hospital readmissions and four bouts of mastitis. We fed for a year in the end.

So believe me when I say feeding my second child was nothing to do with perseverance and everything to do with the fact that she could not latch.
Yes, we got snipped for tongue tie, yes we went to an independent lactation consultant and every bf group in the area, and yes, we even tried having another woman feed her to see if it was me and my boobs that were the issue. Everyone agreed that this child was the true rarity who simply could not bf.

I remember sitting there in the expensive independent lactation centre after DD's tt snip, utterly bemusing the consultant there who kept saying her refusal to even attempt to latch was "very rare" and she "didn't know what to recommend."

And she lost more weight. And we went back to hospital. And then we fumbled through expressing and ff to get some food in her. A hundred years ago, DD would've died. But luckily we now have this wonderful thing called formula.

Can you see why I get fucking snippy when people like you, ammature, have a go? You have not experienced all the problems other women have and it's absurd to claim you have.

"However accurate the term may be on a scientific thread, on one that is so emotionally-charged it's a bit cunty to use the term "artificial milk" or "artificial feeding", as it does upset a lot of people. We have a perfectly good word in more common use, "formula feeding". Deliberately saying "artificial feeding" on a thread where people are talking about emotions and feeling bullied for their choices is a bit off, really."

That's ridiculous.

formula = a baby's liquid food based on cow's milk or soya protein, given as a substitute for breast milk. Formula is totally processed food

I have bf and ff and definitely consider ff as 'artificial' and processed food. In the same way as giving baby Ella's kitchen crap is artificial feeding. Of course I have fed my dc Ella's kitchen of similar and they still love EK smoothies now they are older.

FF = artificial / BF = natural.

It only becomes a problem if you consider using artificial food / processed food as morally inferior, which it is, of course, not.
Thank goodness for safe formula milk, and canned soup because that is sometimes what is most practical even if it isn't natural or the healthiest option.

I don't think health visitors in particular support and encourage breastfeeding enough.

I read an article in the guardian recently which gave the following statistics:
In the UK only 1 in 200 mothers manage to breastfeed for 12 months without using any formula. In America where women only get 4 weeks maternity leave that figure is 27 in 200!
Surely those statistics alone tell is that breastfeeding is not actively encouraged enough. I know many people who have given up breastfeeding due to the health visitors being concerned about baby's weight gain. The automatic assumption is that mum isn't producing enough milk which apparently very rarely happens in reality. The more likely answer is that breastfed babies gain weight more slowly and there is actually nothing wrong with that. The other issue is mums being concerned about baby frequently waking through the night and then being encouraged to give formula as the night feed to fill baby up. In reality, yes breastfed babies do often wake more frequently than ff babies at night but that is only because breast milk is easily digestible meaning that baby gets hungry more often.
Health professionals need to make mums aware that formula isn't digested easily and that actually the problems with digestion might not be best for baby. It is probably better that baby can easily digest his milk even if that means he feeds more often.

I am proud to say that I am a few weeks away from being one of the 1 in 200 women who make it to 12 months, however, I have had some funny looks from health visitors when they ask me how much milk baby drinks and I shrug my shoulders and say "a boobfull every 4 hours or so".

I take it you took time out of polishing your halo enoughsleep to post that sanctimonious post?

Funny you should mention Ella's kitchen. When my dd was a toddler she had an overnight stay in the same shitty hospital she was born in - which pressured me on BF but totally missed the fact that their shit care had triggered an ms relapse because I got a post natal infection. It was time for evening meal in same shit hospital. All they could offer my poorly toddler were turkey swizzlers and chips . I asked for veg and they said "we had baked beans but they've run out". Thank god for Ella's kitchen or she would have gone without anything. All the feckin' nurses had Breast is Best lanyards. What a joke!

What are you taking about Lass? Why so defensive? What's sanctimonious in my post? It's pretty factual, no?
Have you read the bit where I said i BF and ff, / mixed fed no judgement from me. But ff is artificial* food. This fact won't change because of wishful thinking.

We call it "powder milk" round our neck of the woods. Nobody seems to find that offensive, as that is what it is.

Maybe we should call it fairy dust

Maybe you should back off.

With all due respect, forumula feeding isn't rocket science. If you can't follow the instructions on the tub I would seriously doubt your ability to be a parent. There are so many ins and outs issues and difficulties with breastfeeding that is unique to the woman of course it requires more information and assistance.

enough yes fairy dust would work and then maybe you could be nicer? No?

If you can't follow the instructions on the tub I would seriously doubt your ability to be a parent

Read. The. Thread.

I and others have pointed out specific things that ff-ers might need help with.

For example, things such as combining ff with expressed milk, and what to do when your baby wants to drink more than the "maximum" number of feeds (early weaning? Hungry milk? More ordinary milk?)

These things, funnily enough, aren't covered on the box, and the helplines aren't an unbiased source of info.

From my experience, HVs also know very little about expressing, as they tend to deal with either bfing mothers or ff parents, not those of us who for one reason or another are straddling a line in between. And my HV was useless when I asked her about my 4-m-o drinking "too much" formula. Her only suggestion was early weaning.

"Maybe you should back off."

Excuse me?

"enough yes fairy dust would work and then maybe you could be nicer? No?"

No, I'm nice enough, thank you.

"I am proud to say that I am a few weeks away from being one of the 1 in 200 women who make it to 12 months, however, I have had some funny looks from health visitors when they ask me how much milk baby drinks and I shrug my shoulders and say "a boobfull every 4 hours or so".

Well done you. But this isn't a thread for people who want to shout their success. It is a thread for people who have struggled, who feel the little support they received was tantamount to bullying and who are angry that they are treated like failures for struggling.
So great, you've done brilliantly. Spare a thought for the many who can't.

"All the feckin' nurses had Breast is Best lanyards. What a joke!"

See my experience was reverse. When BF my 4 week old dc due to additional medical check up at the hospital the nurses where not at all supportive. There was not any sign of BF promotion whatsoever.

Mostly BF promotion by NHS HCP is lip service. They are told to promote BF without either believing in it (NHS policy used prefer formula feeding and even rebuild whole maternity wards to support the formula feeding model) or without adequate training.

I reiterate I don't get at all why saying formula is artificial food is in any way offensive, that is totally precious snowflake attitude. It is artificial food. Hell, formula companies try to market their products as the latest scientific (hence artificial) super foods.

You made a decision to to FF or were unable to BF and had you the great option of using safe Formula products, why do you find it difficult to read that formula milk is processed food? I don't get it.

I said in my pp that there is no moral judgement (not from me anyway). You fed your baby formula, that's great, your baby got fed and thrived. We all do what works best for us, no? I feed my kids chips and baked beans some days, not great but perfectly adequate.

"Well done you. But this isn't a thread for people who want to shout their success. It is a thread for people who have struggled, who feel the little support they received was tantamount to bullying and who are angry that they are treated like failures for struggling."

I disagree the original post is about a totally childish and self-centred letter to the NHS. All sort of people are commenting on this thread, which is just as well, it is an open forum. Not so good if you can't take any alternative views obviously. Why can you not bare that someone else is proud they BF their child? It has absolutely nothing to do with you.

And if you were truly bullied, of course you should complain to the NHS. They have processes for complaints, no patent ought to be bullied.

Don't give a shit about reading instructions - that was the easy bit. Don't be hung up on that enough. The gut wrenching thing is struggling, wanting desperately to keep BF, trying to do it through discomfort and worse. And getting cats bum faces off every hcp because you've made the heartbreaking decision to stop because (in my case) maternal health is nose diving (Ms relapse which could have been spotted if they weren't so busy telling me to try harder at BF). That's my story - there will be others from posters on here and elsewhere which could have been avoided with proper care not snarky tick box care.

I did complain- they apologised and claim to do it differently now. As if maternity care was new when I needed it . And judging by the posts on here, the same shit is going on all over the country.