to feel bullied over breastfeeding

[user1473451513]

I'm posting a letter I'm sending to my government representatives and was interested to hear others' views on it. I'm in Scotland so no sure how pertinent it is for other parts of the UK or indeed around the world. I want to point out from the offset I am not anti breastfeeding, I am anti bullying.

I write to express my concern, disappointment and upset with regards to a government instigated bullying campaign. This is an issue which has been at the forefront for some time now and causes much angst for all affected. It is the issue of breastfeeding.
I can assure you that I fully understand all the health benefits of breastfeeding, both physical and emotional and there is no doubting that breastfeeding is the healthier option. However, those who do not breastfeed their children are made to feel inferior and I feel that this is a deliberate government policy to create stigma.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was fully intending to breastfeed, I had listened to and read about all the benefits and how it was the best choice for me and my baby. It wasn’t until much later on I realised just how little information I had been given about formula feeding. At the antenatal classes, there was very little discussion around formula feeding and the general information given was something along the lines of ‘make sure your bottles are sterilised’. I also began to realise just how little space in the ‘Ready, Steady, Baby’ book was dedicated to formula feeding versus the wealth of space given over to breastfeeding.
As good as my intentions were, it simply was not to be. I had been trying my absolute best and had completely exhausted myself trying to make it a success. Although I was making every effort to make it work, my son did not take to the breast at all. He got upset and distressed and through this I got upset and distressed. It began to affect my mental health and it was at this point we decided that the best option for us was to switch to formula feeding.
I could not believe it when my health visitor at my six week check demanded to know exactly when I stopped breast feeding – I had to tell her how old my son was when I stopped. To the very day. I was made to feel completely incompetent and was told that I should be getting myself along to the breastfeeding cafes or getting help from the breastfeeding support worker. I did not want this. I wanted to stop breastfeeding but this seemed to be deemed the worst decision ever.
I finally realised today that there is a government ploy to force women into breastfeeding and it was the most innocuous of discussions that made this clear to me. After discussion with a very kind sales assistant in Boots Chemists, I enquired as to why I wasn’t getting Advantage Card points for the baby milk and she told me that it was a government directive to ‘encourage’ women to breastfeed. I don’t feel encouraged to breastfeed – I feel like I am not good enough because I am not breastfeeding my son. I am made to feel that I am missing out and my son is missing out too.
I can assure you my son is healthy, happy and growing well. He gets all the nourishment he needs from his formula milk. I have formed a strong, close bond with him which has developed without breastfeeding.
I know many women feel this way and are victimised for making the correct choices for themselves and their babies. However, it seems that the government wants to tell us what the correct choices are and enforce them upon us. Because of this brainwashing, I find it very difficult to speak out about my feelings as so many people – mums and non-mums alike have been conditioned to believe that breastfeeding is the only way to go and if you’re not exclusively feeding your child yourself then you are the worst mum ever.
In closing, I would like to understand why the government are anti-choice when it comes to the matter of breastfeeding and why mothers who choose not to breastfeed their children are made to feel inadequate. I would like to know why a healthy balance of pros and cons of both formula and breast feeding is absent from any government pregnancy propaganda. I would like to know why I have been made to feel like it would be impossible to speak my mind about the topic and why my free speech is being stifled.
I look forward to reading your response.
Yours sincerely

user1473451513
Proud Formula Feeding Mum

and..... the artificial bf v ff thing (is this a thing in RL? I have never experienced it) parents make choices, mothers make choices, nothing is perfect, everything comes at a cost. Instead of seeking approval from others just try and be happy with your choice. If it isn't a choice try and get some help. If no help is available, try and campaign for it....

I always thought MN was superb in terms of BF support, especially from TikTok

I agree honey, I've been on a lot of BF/FF threads and rarely, if ever, see anyone really disagree with TikTok. Someone who really knows her stuff and uses it to help women rather than judging and tearing them down.

Hi, Honeywine, thanks :)

I don't thing BF v FF is much of a thing in real life, but online life is real life in a way. Mothers get support and contact and friendship and info from their online life, and if there are ridiculous judgmental moralists online they can cause division and genuine distress. We know online behaviour can be horrible.

Offline, people can be unthinking and tactless, and heavy handed promotion of BF can deffo feel like pressure to individuals, esp if they are anxious or sensitive at the time.

Anxiety and sensitivity can also lead mothers to imagine ppl are going to judge them. When they probably won't ( such as being scared to bring out a bottle in front of other mothers for fear of looks or comments).

Someone might well post an experience where some idiot actually did say 'ugh! Not breastfeeding, then?'....which is stupid and rude, but happily rare.

Ta to Ovaries, too :)

It's a huge money saving initiative for the government. Getting women to breastfeed saves the government a fortune as those on benefits who formula feed are entitled to free formula which is very expensive.

Quite honestly when I had my son at 21 years old I breastfed for a few weeks and then started bottlefeeding. I was tiny and he was a very big baby and was always hungry, he was also failing to thrive. It was clear to any idiot that breastfeeding was not working for us. Luckily I jabe always trusted my own instincts as a mum and went with them, why have a miserable, starving, thin looking baby when you can have a healthy normal weight child. The health visitor was vile to me but I remember thinking he's my baby and I'll do what the hell I feel is right.
Today he is 35, a marathon runner, extremely healthy, has never had a day off work or school,has not had so much as a filling.
According to my health visitor he would suffer all his life from not being breast fed phttttt.
Do what you want, it's your kid and best of luck with it.

"online life is real life in a way" interesting and true!

Daydream, if it's a money saving thing it's not working terribly well... However increasing BF rates would save the NHS ££.

When bf works, it's brilliant, convenient, even empowering (in a way a good birth experience can be empowering or anything else really that goes well for you). When it's not working out then it is miserable. Well done for doing what was right by you and feeling confident about it. In terms of health, it's worth remembering that the benefits are individual as well as on population level.

I have a paediatrician friend who regularly sees undernourished infants on her ward, there needs to be so much more information and support, BF support/infant feeding advisor should become a professional role and should be available through GP surgeries. feeding infants (BF or ff) is an intricate field having access to well trained and compassionate experts would be fab.

Daydream, sorry, but you are clearly talking from a position of total ignorance. You are talking about the healthy start programme. HS vouchers can be exchanged for formula, ordinary milk and fruit and veg. It is not an expensive programme. £93 million a year in food vouchers (only a proportion on formula). The entire welfare budget for the uk is something like £250 billion. The idea that the govt is promoting BF to save money on formula is clearly ridiculous, because they could save the money simply by removing formula off the list of approved voucher-valid foods.

It's a huge money saving initiative for the government. Getting women to breastfeed saves the government a fortune as those on benefits who formula feed are entitled to free formula which is very expensive. My sister recieved those healthy start vouchers when she was breastfeeding. They can be used for milk, baby milk or fresh fruit and veg.

Once again, Tiktok has hit the nail on the head.

If the government was looking to save money via brainwashing, I think they'd start with obesity and alcohol abuse. That must cost as much, if not more that the benefits bill.

tiktok

Not at all. I was asked once by midwife each time if I'd made a decision prior to birth and asked once in hospital how I wanted to feed. There was no pressure from anyone. It would have been met with a few choice words if anyone had tried.

Ta, Frogers.

Daydream, hope you are better informed now :). Please don't perpetuate the myth of government conspiracy in all this. It doesn't help.

Tiktok put it brilliantly when she said:
Using formula is far more than just reading a tin. A tin does not address the often mixed feelings women have: a tin does not tell you about using formula alongside breastfeeding; a tin does not tell you what to do if you think your baby would be better off on a different brand. Women who use FF may need one to one, supportive and knowledgable help, just like BF women

This is so true. I bf my first DC and absolutely thought I'd bf again. However, I ended up ff my second after weight loss, a failed tt snip (she never latched again) and a hospital readmission.

The first problem I had after having to ff was hideous feelings of guilt and failure.
Next came lots of faffing around as I tried to combine expressing and ff (not easy, and especially not easy with a newborn AND a toddler)
Later there was confusion when DD started drinking far more formula than the "maximum" allowed on the box. The HV was all for weaning her early, I had my doubts.

It's not all as simple as reading the formula container. Especially where stuff like mix feeding and expressing is involved, the Aptamil helpline isn't the place to go for unbiased and real-world help.

Running - luckily, because 98% of women successfully formula feed at some point, there is usually knowledgeable help to be had from family and friends.

Oh ffs. I say I would've liked help with pretty tricky stuff like learning how to combine expressing with ff, and how to cope with the feelings I had when a failed tt snip meant my daughter could never latch, and I'm shot down with "oh, just ask one of the 98% who ff."

I don't know anyone else who tried to do expressing and ff. I'm sure they're out there, but I don't know them. My mother bf, all my friends bf, I was the odd one out who had to ff, so no I didn't have anyone to ask.

Mini, I know you like to have a go at ff mothers, but actually it's pretty bloody hurtful. Maybe I wouldn't still be finding it so raw and hurtful if I'd had a feeding support group at the time. I don't know.

Mini, 98 per cent of women use formula at some point. But they don't all do it without problems - and they don't always have knowledge to help with specific problems others have.

Take no notice, Running
Mini has her own agenda. She has no empathy for women with pnd, women who cannot bf or choose not to. But she does expect us to forget all this and be empathetic towards her when she posts asking for support on other threads
to you, Running.

Surely, such a high percentage of mums who've used formula at some stage is because it is advised not to give ordinary milk to babies under 12 months, so many mums will use it when they go back to work, or just want to go out. They may not be women who perceive themselves as be successful formula feeders at all, so could not give this 'knowledgeable help' to mothers of young babies.

I formula fed through choice, I only ran in to one midwife who was a arse about it and she had a few choice words thrown back at her by both me and DP who was a fantastic support.

My HV was actually really helpful, when we had a feeling the formula just wants right, she gave us advice on how to swap and her experiences of different brands. She was and is really nice.

I don't care what people "think" of my choice to formula feed, and they are better off spending their time jamming their tit in a door than talking at me, I won't listen, won't engage and just smile annoyingly right in their face. I've only met 2 breastmilk bullies in my 2 years of parenting, both were friends at a baby group I frequented before returning to work, they were odd.

I feel more information should be given to mothers who chose to FF, making up feeds incorrectly can have grave consequences. A poor latch although uncomfortable isn't going to kill either of you, but one poorly prepared bottle well it could be bad.

A balance is needed, I'm not sure how but its needed, you can't just leave FF mothers on the sodeline and say read the tin, it a not fair on them or their children's health.

I tried breastfeeding with ds1 got fuck all support from professionals I had a small baby he was 5lb 14 Oz at full term no idea why and was neurotic so I gave up and formula fed I didn't find any judgement from health professionals all they cared about was that he was feeding well and healthy i think if more support was given to new mums many more might breas feed ,fwiw I didn't even try with ds2 and no one cared or judged as long as he was fed and gaining weight .

The government encourage it not to save money for free artificial milk but for the health implications of ff for mother and baby.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/oct/18/increase-breastfeeding-nhs-savings-unicef?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

I agree with you OP. I struggled to bf my DD. The support was there and I took it but it still didn't work and I simply couldn't do it (wrong sort of nipples apparently). As DD was my first and without any family support I lacked confidence, I relied on my HV and BF support worker to help me make the right decision for my family. They didn't, I now understand they have their own targets and agenda. With all the 'support' and advice I got from them I felt I was letting them down when I wanted to switch. They were both so tenacious they provided me with double 'industrial' breast pumps and had every counter argument. I ended up expressing every feed for 19weeks. I was setting my alarm to pump twice during the night when my baby was sleeping 7-7. It was mental and I was exhausted. Second time round I was much more confident and had a larger family to consider so in hospital I said I'd try for 3 days with DS to see if we could latch on successfully and hand expressed all the good stuff in the meantime and fed via a doidy cup. BF support worker this time round actually supported ME and agreed that after many unsuccessful attempts formula would be a better option for our family. I should say this was also in Scotland where, after now moving south, I can say has far more by way of resources and support, so much so it can be overwhelming. I think your letter is justified. YANBU.

However accurate the term may be on a scientific thread, on one that is so emotionally-charged it's a bit cunty to use the term "artificial milk" or "artificial feeding", as it does upset a lot of people. We have a perfectly good word in more common use, "formula feeding". Deliberately saying "artificial feeding" on a thread where people are talking about emotions and feeling bullied for their choices is a bit off, really.

See, I find the use of 'formula' a bit odd, not sure exactly why though.

I see that as just a scientific word as "artificial" as the word formula implies it is something scientifically made, it's something that doesn't come in a natural state and is instead made up of various components to achieve what it is.

I can see why the term "artificial milk" may be seen as offensive but I think the term "formula" is just a different word for saying the same thing or describing the product.

I don't think I've ever met a breastfeeding evangelist in real life. I chose to bf and did so exclusively for 6 months without problems and really loved it - the go anywhere any time freedom in particular. I don't think women who want to bf are given enough support, but that might be because health care professionals are worried about being labelled bullies! People are actually surprised when I tell them I want to bf my second too - it's the exception rather than the rule. Most new mothers I know choose to ff.

But equally, I know of women who continued to try to bf to the point of being driven to depression and despair. They continued because they felt guilty for considering ff because they believed it wasn't the right choice for their baby. In reality it was absolutely the right choice and as soon as they made the switch both baby and mother thrived and we're happy. My friend's baby lost considerable weight before they realised she wasn't feeding properly (she was also very dehydrated) with the result that my friend felt like the worst mother in the world.

Dh was telling me about someone he works with whose wife 'feels robbed' of her blissful early days with their newborn because of the amount of problems she's having breastfeeding her newborn. She's had contradictory guidance - the midwife said she was feeding correctly and baby was latching on ok, yet at the breastfeeding cafe she goes to she's been told it's wrong. This is a month into it! In the meantime she's verging on depression. Nobody has checked for tongue tie. She persists because she feels she has failed her child if she resorts to ff. That's not right at all. Support and advice to new mums should focus first on solving the problem, closely followed by reassurance that nothing bad will happen to their baby (in fact in many cases quite the opposite!) if it doesn't work out and they ff instead. Health care professionals need to be equipped with both the knowledge and the power to know when to stop encouraging women to bf and when to start encouraging them to ff.