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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm so sorry it's about disabled bus seats

396 replies

YourNewspaperIsShit · 08/09/2016 19:14

But It's absolutely not the normal "having a dig" thread and if I wasn't torturing myself about the situation I promise I wouldn't post it.

So I don't drip feed: I'm autistic and have an invisible physical disability.

The bus to DD's nursery was just a small one on this occasion and there was one wheelchair/disabled seat. The front seats have 'elderly' signs on and there's a sign on the wheelchair seat saying something like "This seat is for wheelchair users. Small prams and buggies may use this seat but must move if a wheelchair user needs access". Totally acceptable, I have no dispute.

So basically what happened was I got on to pick DD up from nursery, normally we go in the car but only DP drives and he was called to work. I have 6 month old DS in his pram (Silver Cross Wayfarer if it's relevant coz I can't fold it). I was in a lot of pain that day or I would have used his sling, i physically couldn't do it. In fact I kind of lean on the pram like a zimmer frame IYSWIM.

Pay for my ticket, park pram in the space and sit in the disabled seat. Every other seat on the bus is taken. Elderly people in the front seats. Halfway through the journey we reach a bus station and a lady in a wheelchair is in the queue, bus driver tells me to get off. Normally I'd 100% do this but I wouldn't have made DD's pick up.... She is only 4 so can't exactly wait another 30mins for the next bus.

I start having a panic attack with the situation and kind of splutter out that I really need to catch the bus. The absolutely lovely lady in the wheelchair says she's only taking her shopping home and will wait for the next bus.

Bus driver, assuming I guess that I'm just a snotty young entitled mother demanding the seat, continues to tell me to get off the bus. I start to cry.

I manage to choke out that I'm also disabled and get told "aye of course you are love, what kind of person takes a seat from someone in a wheelchair". It then felt like he was pitting us off one another, like some awful 'disability contest' saying things like "go on then what have you got, is it worse?"

The lady eventually gets through to him that she really isn't in a rush and goes out of the station so he can't just sit and wait for her. He reluctantly drives off with a shitty attitude and a grunt Sad

I don't know what I'd have done without her lovely calm demeanor. I'm still absolutely mortified that I didn't get off the bus though, if it wasn't for DD there's no way I'd have stayed on.

Totally prepared to hear I WBU, especially for starting a bus seat thread. But I can't stop thinking about it and have noone to discuss with IRL Blush

In hindsight I would have caught an earlier bus but usually they have big ones with 3 disabled/pram seats so I didn't think.

OP posts:
LivingOnTheDancefloor · 09/09/2016 16:08

Sorry for all the typos... Blush

fliptopbin · 09/09/2016 16:09

In your position, I would do anything possible to avoid public transport, even to the extent of questioning whether to keep my dc off nursery if I did not have a lift. It might also be an idea to keep an emergency taxi fund.
In theory it is all very well to say that disabled people should have the right to assume they can just get on a bus, but sadly that is not the case.

annielouise · 09/09/2016 16:10

Because the wheelchair user had priority over that space. The OP didn't. The OP was in a rush so having a back-up plan of a round trip taxi made sense for her. She's in pain but has some mobility. More than the wheelchair user has. A lot harder for a wheelchair user to use a taxi unless it's a specially designed one!

DixieNormas · 09/09/2016 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlancheBlue · 09/09/2016 16:28

Any bus company which doesn't force a buggy to move from the wheel chair space risks being prosecuted for discrimination due to the supreme court ruling on this area. This is why drivers are been told to not allow buggies to be in the chair space when any wheelchair user want to board bus

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 09/09/2016 16:43

She knew I was getting off because I stood up and unclipped my brakes.

Sorry that my autism makes people feel uncomfortable it's not something I can change no matter how much I wish I could ask for a seat I cannot.

Think it's made up all you like but that's just appalling for my situation really. How dare I have mental and physical disabilities and a baby all at the same time Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 09/09/2016 16:44

Dixie I've spoken about that loads already I'm not addressing it again sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 09/09/2016 16:46

There's no way in hell I could lift car seats and very unlikely I could phone a taxi. But thanks for the suggestion.

OP posts:
annielouise · 09/09/2016 16:48

I think you need to let it go now and work out a back-up plan with your husband as you shouldn't put yourself and potentially another wheelchair user in the same situation. You can't keep arguing it as you were in the wrong - it's a wheelchair space and she had priority.

It's not an ideal world - if it was the bus would have been able to accommodate you both. Without a back-up plan you risk the same thing happening again - which wouldn't be fair on another wheelchair user or yourself. It could go the other way next time so get a back-up plan.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 09/09/2016 16:51

How many times can i say the sentence "I know I need to prepare better" before I stop getting told repeatedly to have a back-up plan Blush

A small bus had never turned up before, I was caught off guard.

"How is it fair to ask the disabled mum with buggy to have a backup plan to using the bus or have an emergency fund for taxi, when I am sure you wouldn't dare suggesting the w/c lady does the same?"

Thank you, I can't access taxis either so it is a difficult situation

OP posts:
GreenGoth89 · 09/09/2016 16:51

I have all my limbs and I can walk a very short distance with a stick but I use a mobility scooter and occasionally a wheelchair. When I just used a stick, I would get loads of crap from people who would just see someone in their early twenties kicking up a fuss not the stick. These days I do get annoyed by people who won't fold their pushchairs because I frequently end up having to miss 2/3 or more buses because of it (luckily I live in a big city and they're every 10 mins but it's still and extra 20/30 mins on my travel time. Had I been in her situation I would have said not to worry - but had I been on my way to do the school run, I would have had an issue. It's worth getting one of the autism cards and maybe a foldable pushchair. It's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other so I wouldn't worry right now but it might be worth thinking of strategies for future situations like that.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/09/2016 16:54

Your Honestly, you really should put it from your mind.

This thread will go around in circles.

You don't think you did anything wrong. Some people agree, some don't.

But it's done. You got to your dd on time and you will never know what happened with the lovely woman who didn't cause a fuss. It's highly likely that she caught the next bus and has forgotten all about it.

The bus driver didn't really do anything wrong in the circumstances.

Just leave it, is my suggestion.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 09/09/2016 16:56

So every disabled-but-not-in-a-w/c should have a backup plan, but w/c users shouldn't?
All I am trying to get across is that we all (disabled, non disabled, parents, non-parents ...) get into situations where we don't have a backup plan, we have to catch a bus or we are going to be late to something important, and we are desperate. It is a bit too simplistic to say "she should have had a backup plan" or "she should have an emergency fund for a taxi". If it was that simple noone would be ever late to anything, noone would miss planes, etc.

annielouise · 09/09/2016 17:09

The wheelchair space was for a wheelchair so the OP had no right to it - so yes, she was/is the one that needed a back-up plan in this situation. If the wheelchair user had insisted I think the driver would have made the OP get off so she would be very stupid not to come up with some other plan for future times like this. Far easier for someone with some mobility to find alternatives - usually - than someone with no mobility, i.e. a wheelchair user.

The OP has seen what has happened in a worst-case situation so no excuse not to find some alternative now. Or risk the same happening again with potentially more upsetting consequences. The wheelchair user has/had priority.

DixieNormas · 09/09/2016 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annielouise · 09/09/2016 17:13

Dixie made a good point - what if you couldn't get on as the space was already filled? Now you know it's a possibility that smaller buses are being used and this could happen again what do you do then? You need an alternative plan for that happening.

CandyMcJingles · 09/09/2016 17:14

As a person with s disability but not a w/c user I have many back up plans. Having a disability makes you very versatile :)

DixieNormas · 09/09/2016 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BishopBrennansArse · 09/09/2016 17:22

It is a wheelchair space. Therefore priority should always be for wheelchair users.

However in this specific situation a wheelchair user was ok with the OP being there, that should be the end of it.

All those yeahbut what about X, y and z campaign for extra space to be built into buses - I'd support that campaign because there should be extra space for other scenarios. But I'd never support diluting the very small already abused wheelchair provision that currently exists.

I already can't travel by bus with DD as 9/10 will only take a single wheelchair.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 09/09/2016 17:26

Oh come on annielouise it is not a contest! Yes it is harder to have no mobility at all than reduced mobility, but what about no mobility vs reduced mobility and a baby to take care of? Can't you accept it is comparable, and without knowing the exact medical history of all involved we can't judge.
In this particular scenario, and considering the lady in the w/c told the OP to stay on the bus I really think fair enough.
Again, non-disabled mum would have been different.

Why can't you just accept the lady saw the OP's desperation and made a kind decision to let her stay on?

annielouise · 09/09/2016 17:49

You're twisting this Living. The law states the wheelchair user gets priority, not a pram even though there are extenuating circumstances with the hidden disabilities. That's it. Nothing more to be said. The OP was lucky in this situation. She might not be next time.

It might not be a contest but there is ranking order of priority and the wheelchair supersedes the OP or anyone else with hidden disabilities each and every time in this situation with one wheelchair space. And it should be without question - why do you keep questioning this? What's so hard to understand with the law? The OP got away with it this time. Again in a perfect world there would have been space for both.

annielouise · 09/09/2016 17:55

It's equally as likely the woman felt on the spot and did it to avoid focus on and a fuss. We don't know if it was that or to be "kind" as you put it.

People have fought for years for wheelchair access ffs Living! You come along and say a woman with hidden disabilities is comparable to a woman in a wheelchair and we can't judge! What a fucking cheek! I lived in London for years and saw the huffy way women with no disabilities would refuse to move from a wheelchair space - many years ago this was. People lie about disabilities, not saying the OP is but unfortunately she does not take precedence over a wheelchair user and you're being very disingenous to imply they're in a 50:50 situation!

All people are saying is the OP needs to find an alternative to avoid this situation again. There's no grey area here unfortunately. The wheelchair user gets priority every time and the OP shouldn't have put her in that position no matter her circumstances. People in wheelchairs are even agreeing with this!

MyWineTime · 09/09/2016 18:15

The op only had a problem because she had a child in a buggy, if she didn't she would have had crutches or a frame and could have sat somewhere else, having a baby isn't a disability and if the op is lucky she will only have the hassle of a pushchair for a few years. Unlike most people in wheelchairs
Hassle of having a pushchair? She may find that with her disability, having the pushchair as her disability aid, makes life easier for her. I found it very useful as a visually impaired person. It feels the way in front in a similar way to a white cane.
And using crutches or a frame is not going to be easy on a bus. The only place to put a frame on most buses would be in the wheelchair space.

Its not a question of wouldn't it be great to spend loads of money on making buses better, its a question of THEIR IS NO FUCKING MONEY FOR IT.
You really do sound very angry Arseicle
There is money and it is already being spent. Fortunately the law is forcing organisations to cater better for disabled people. It's slow and never enough, but it is already happening. Increasing flexible seating on buses needs to be part of that. Disabled access to the world should be a priority.

There's a lot of 'sorry about your invisible disability, but you're not disabled enough to be catered for' on this thread.
And there is also an underlying implication that she could be less disabled if she just tried harder - fold the pushchair, ask complete strangers for help, leave earlier, hang around socialising.
If you don't expect a wheelchair user to be able to get out of their chair and fold it up, why do people think that the OP would be able to do any of these things that her disability means are impossible for her?

Sorry that my autism makes people feel uncomfortable
You should never have to say that. It is not your fault, you are not doing anything wrong and it is not your responsibility that other people can't cope with it. It is entirely their problem that they need to deal with.
The public have been sheltered from disabled people for so long because the world is such an inaccessible place. If disability access improves, then people will get more used to seeing (and hopefully supporting) more disabled people.

MyWineTime · 09/09/2016 18:20

annielouise
*People have fought for years for wheelchair access ffs Living! You come along and say a woman with hidden disabilities is comparable to a woman in a wheelchair and we can't judge! What a fucking cheek! I lived in London for years and saw the huffy way women with no disabilities would refuse to move from a wheelchair space - many years ago this was. People lie about disabilities, not saying the OP is but unfortunately she does not take precedence over a wheelchair user and you're being very disingenous to imply they're in a 50:50 situation!
Are you seriously saying that invisible disabilities can never be as disabling as being a wheelchair user?

And you have neatly thrown in your anger about a woman with no disabilities using a wheelchair space - what the hell has that got to do with anything on this thread?
Just because some people lie, does that mean that people with invisible disabilities shouldn't get any help?

MyWineTime · 09/09/2016 18:21

bold fail :(

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