..or is SIL?

[summerskittles91]

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

Move out. With or without DH. You are propping the family up financially and physically - essentially being treated as a slave and paying for the privilege.

MIL is playing the matriarch towards you but subservient to SIL. Hence you are lowest in the pecking order and your DH is only a scant step above you. Guess where will your child be in this hierarchy? For the sake of your child - move out.

OP I am also Sikh. I understand the pressure you're under and that you have been brought up to make things easy for everyone.

Your DPs family must be very traditional if they are expecting you all to live happily in one home. It doesn't generally work that way any more. All my Sikh friends that have married a Sikh guy have moved out to their own homes. Noe of them contemplated living with the in-laws, and the in-laws accepted it (maybe didn't like it, but the world has moved on and changed to what they left behind in India 50 years ago).

You know what will happen when your SIL goes back to work. Her DC will be left at home and you will help out. You won't get to say I can't do it if you are actually in the house. After all that would be unreasonable, since you are in the house anyway. What's having one or two more children to look after - women do it so easily (and cook and clean so well too)! You'll look like you are unhelpful and ungrateful when you say no and your SIL will twist it round that you are being unreasonable.

If you don't make it clear NOW that you are not going to help out (and deal with the fall out when you have that conversation), then it's going to happen regardless and by default.

You need to be clear on the following:
Your SIL got to have time with her DC on her own. You won't.
Your SIL had your MIL and others to run around after her and make sure she got rest after the baby was born. Your MIL will be busy looking after your SIL's DC - she won't be able to pamper you. You'll have to get on with it yourself.
You won't be able to potter about and decide to go to a baby group or the playground when you want to, just you and baby. You can't just up and leave her DC - that wouldn't be fair (that's how your DP family will see it).

No-one else is going tools out for you and your DC if you don't. You don't need to be the nicey nicey girl - that's the way to make sure you do all the grunt work. You're at risk of being a martyr and your DC treating you as a wishy washy walkover. Sorry to be blunt, but I have seen this happen in the community - women who spend their lives serving their family. DC who expect that to continue into adulthood and seem to have no regard that their mother may actually have her own views or feelings and maybe doesn't exist to make DC's lives easier by serving them.

Thank you for all your messages. I really appreciate everyone's responses and its made it easier to see whats going work and whats not.

As I know in the short terms at least moving out isn't viable. So I guess for now, its about making it clear to everyone, especially SIL that I wont be a servant for her DC. TBH if MIL want's to take responsibility for her DC then she's more than welcome too. I'm sick of trying to get her to look after herself when she just bows down to SIL and BIL anyway.

If I have to look after the baby myself without any pampering from MIL than thats fine. If I don't have any expectations I won't have any let downs.

Thank you Aimster for your comment - you've pretty much summed up what I've been trying to get out.

That sounds like a good set of resolutions, OP. And please keep posting if you need to - you'll get lots of support and hopefully help in working things through.

One thing I will say op is some parents bring their daughters (in my experience) too well.
Too well mannered, too polite, too self sacrificing, too scared to say no, too scared to say no or rock the boat.
Stop.
Don't be scared. Look after yoursef and the little one as no one else will. You Mils health and her doing too much are her problem not yours. Take responsibility for no one but yourself. Start doing your own shopping and making your own meals as a start.
It's sounds like your a second mother to those kids (easily done in an extended live together family). Stop that. Eventually these kids will be used against you as weapons. They will always be reminded who their real mother is.
Stop buying them stuff. There's no need. They aren't your kids. Buy them the odd present if you want but they and they're upbringing are not your responsibility.

All my life I've put other people first and then realised people aren't there for me when I need them.

I'd be naive to assume MIL will support me, so it's time to put myself first and just prioritise my needs and the babies needs when he\she is born. Everyone can sort themselves out.

Going for dinner with a friend I haven't seen for months. At least I'll be out of the mad house for a hours!

Always grateful for everyone on MN for making things better. Much love to you all! x

As a couple with a baby you will be eligible for a number of benefits including help with housing costs. There is absolutely no reason why you cant move out of the house.

i couldn't cope with a running a house by myself.

You wouldn't be lone you would have a DHT to do 50% and what exactly do you think running a house entails? You pay all bills by direct debit. Online shopping. Do some house cleaning.

Running a house is not onerous.

What do your own parents think about it all?

Daily have you actually read all the OP's posts?

Glad you're going for dinner with a friend. Start doing this as much as possible (getting out of the house to go and do stuff). So you can go and visit a friend to leave back something you borrowed and go for a long sit in the park on the way home or get a pot of tea in a cafe and make it last an hour while you read the paper. Invent as much stuff as possible and keep repeating "the doctor said (pregnancy yoga or whatever) was a good way to reduce the risk of MC". Do this when your sister is due to home from work so she gets used to coming home and you not being there.
Good luck.

Daily have you actually read all the OP's posts?

Yes I have. She gives a number of reasons why she cant move out but one of them is financial. Financially she will be able to move out.

Summer you sound like a saint, amongst your achievements have held down a full time job whilst using holiday to help others with childcare, helped pay off your husband's loans, done weekly shops for 3 families not to mention lived with them under 1 roof - several of whom sound unbearable - and you continue to give them more than your fair share of financial support - and you think you couldn't run your own household?! It would be a walk in the park for you!!

I agree with PP, given your culture, you need to be savvy and it is NOT your job to convince/persuade/argue with MIL or SIL that you won't be providing childcare - it's a FACT and you are informing them of the situation not asking for permission - it's pretty cowardly & obstructive of your DH to pass the buck like he has.

Anyway, my main suggestion is can you go for extended stays with your parents under the guise of your mum's illness that get progressively longer?? I hope your mum is of similar understanding & is happy to be the leverage you need - you need to stick together with anyone willing to help you get out of this situation.

Fact is, you'll know the real reason for going to stay with your parents for longer & longer periods and your DH's family probably will too but they can hardly object when your mother is ill & needs your help and company & frankly, if they're honest with themselves, will realise their conduct has effectively pushed you out.

Like another PP said - you have a new duty on its way and that is to show your child what a strong woman looks like - someone who is not a doormat NOR someone who walks over everyone else to get what they want.

Why has everyone kept the fact that sil does not look after the children, from bil? You say he is unaware. It sounds like a complex game of Chinese whispers. All conversations are between different lots of two people and are then altered to fit people's agendas. You need to get everything out in the open. You don't talk to sil in private but nobody knows this. Sil is nasty to mil in private but is nice as pie otherwise. Nobody is seeing the true picture because you are all tiptoeing round each other, frightened of rocking the boat.

Mil has made her bed and now has to lie on it. You've tried to help her but you can't rely on her to have your back. DH won't get involved, even though you've told him mil is too ill to do all she does. Bil is unaware but you know that he will kick off. Fill won't stand up for mil being taken advantage of, just as your DH won't stand up for you.

What a mess. This dysfunctional family is so entrenched in their unhealthy relationships, that there is no way that you are going to be able to make any inroads unless you get thoroughly unpleasant - even more unpleasant than sil to beat her at her own game - and that just isn't in your nature. As I see it you have three choices.

1. To suck it up and become a carbon copy of your mil in a few years time, with kids that also have no respect for your well being.
2. Persuade DH to move out. If you don't have the confidence to run a home of your own, you certainly won't have the confidence to change the status quo in your current situation. You would manage easily without all the problems you currently have.
3. Leave DH. Or move in with your parents. So what if it is not the done thing. You only have one stab at life. Make it a happy one.

I agree with a poster that unfortunately we've been given an insight into many women's lives. Surely there are organisations around that help these women. You might not think of yourself in need of such an organisation, op as you are not being abused. But in a way you are. You have become so downtrodden that you spend all your time, energy and money into keeping other people happy. I know culture has a lot to do with it, but you don't have to live this life if you are miserable. Please can anybody suggest an organisation/charity that she could speak to?

Lol yanbu get her told

There is a Sikh women's action network Facebook page if you google them. The couple of bits I read on sound as if they are pro equality. But I think you need more individual help. Anyone?

Ideas on how to win against SIL?

Any of the following can be said to her:

● I can't manage that.
● It doesn't work for me
● I won't be able to do it
● Have you considered being a SAHM until
you can make adequate childcare plans

But the trouble is she can say any of those things to sil but that won't be the end of it. She's got to be strong enough to face the inevitable fall out. She can and should do it but it will be a hard battle. Can you afford counselling op? To give you an insight why you accept the crap that everyone throws on you etc. I mean why do you feel the need to spend money on their kids etc? Everything in so entwined in this culture thing, that I think the op need real life support to get to the bottom of it all. There must be books to help. This sounds such a common situation - the battle of modern ideas against ingrained culture. An pp above, said that all her Sikh friends had moved out into their own homes. Times are changing. You can muster up the strength to go with it op. You have to change things by standing up to sil and the others who won't like their status quo, being affected by the inevitable fall out, or by moving out either with or without DH.

If your DH doesn't want to get involved then I would tell him that you still expect him to back you up - so you will deal with SIL how you see fit, leave MIL to her own devices - but that should SIL go whining to BIL and BIL have a pop at DH - DH is to back you up. Tell BIL that the women are sorting this out and he isn't getting involved beyond supporting you.

If you're anything like me you'll be pinned to the sofa breastfeeding for the first few weeks, so that'll get you out of childcare duties. Then you'll be taking the baby for lots of healthy walks to the park, right ?

Are you planning to do any antenatal classes? I would strongly recommend it to make friends and have a network of support - and more reasons to be out of the house! Can't help you out, SIL, I'm off to Jane's this morning, then I'm meeting Claire for Baby Rhyme Time at the library this afternoon.

Bil has just messaged me saying his want's to take SIL on holiday for her 30th birthday without the kids.

FYI she bought him a pair of shoes for his 30th.

who does he think is gonna look after the kids?

Is this your BiL's passive way of telling you that you will be looking after his kids? I was going to suggest responding by asking him who will be looking after them but then you would be claiming an interest & lead the conversation towards the same inevitable outcome.

Apologies for repeating myself but this holiday (whenever it is) would be the perfect time to announce (not ask) a long trip to visit your parents, the main reason being to visit your sick mom and ignore this text.

If you get any hint of "But you knew we were going on holiday and needed you to look after the kids" then just respond "I don't remember being asked or agreeing to any of this, surely you put plans in place for childcare before arranging the holiday??"

I'm so frustrated for you OP - this isn't 'cultural differences' it's outright exploitation - where is the give & take that I assume living together is supposed to achieve?!

Mum*

Bil has just messaged me saying his want's to take SIL on holiday without the kids

Whoopie do. I want a yacht in the Bahamas but that isn't going to happen just because I want it. What have you replied?

You are letting them treat you like a doormat.

Where are SILs parents? Message back suggesting that he contacts them to arrange childcare as MIL is too sick and you are heavily pregnant/will have a newborn to care for.

You will be setting a precedent from here on out if you agree to look after BIL & SILs kids. I like Clearoutre's suggestion. I'd be off to see my own parents in your situation