..or is SIL?

[summerskittles91]

I currently live with in laws, and DH's brother and wife too. They have 2 DC. and SIL is currently on mat leave. She is due to return to work 2 months before I have my first child.

She is under the assumption that she will take up any hours she wants when she returns to work because I will be home to look after a new born, and her 2 DC. One who will be 4.5 and one who will be 14 months. AIBU or is SIL in assuming it must be my responsibility to look after her DC too. I get we live together but it's not fair is it?!

It's making me more stressed and making my nausea. backache and headaches worse. The excitement of having a baby is slowly fading as all I seem to do is stress about how I'm going to cope. MIL currently does more than she has to with SIL's DC. But she is not getting any younger and already very stressed and often tired.

Agh!

I think you should talk to your parents, forgive me if this is an assumption. But they've trusted you to your dh's family, the trust is broken in that they are allowing SIL to treat you this way. They may be able to help in someway, or at least lend you an understanding ear to vent to.
MIL knows it's going to kick off and is just postponing it in the hope it will go away. It's not going to.

I like the advice above where you need to kick off. If your dh is saying deal with it, then that gives you the go ahead (and your hormones 😉) to deal with this by shaking that boat as hard as you can.

gilly have you read the parts where the OP says she is Indian and Sikh?

Will you be going back to work, Op?

If so surely that 's even more reason to spend your time with just your baby.

So, if you say that you cannot/will not do hildcare, what's likely to happen?

What's the idea behind everyone living together like this?

I would be great to live together, its cheaper, you have others to rely on when you need it.

in reality, It's not cheaper. I spend so much on stuff for both my nieces. I was freelancing when I took time off to help SIL and MIL look after SIL's new born baby. So i lost out on 4 weeks wage. I did it because I thought it would benefit everyone. Especially my MIL, I know how tired she often is so I did it more for her than SIL. Little did i know SIL would not appreciate it at all.

If DH's business is more stable by 2018 then I'll go back to freelancing as and when I need to. If not I'll have to come back to part time in my current job.

I'm just thinking that when it comes to it and I have the baby and I'm in room 90% of the time for the first few weeks SIL might get the idea? or am I just being naively optimistic.

I suffered a MC a few weeks ago, and go pretty much 0 sympathy from SIL. This comes after a life threatening ovarian cyst rupturing. It amazes me that we live together and she just doesn't care about me, and heres me throwing any spare penny at stuff for her kids. I'm just foolish in this entire situation. I've let it get to far and now I'm stuck.

Culture or not, it is 2016 and you are not ruled by anybody but YOURSELF. Your DH is a spineless twat, refuses to stand up for his wife and hides behind is mother. I would be considering moving out to your parents, like someone else suggested, with or without him.

SIL has got to where she is because she demands it. Time to take a few pages from her book and start demanding what YOU want. For starters, tell DH to grow a fucking pair.

Oh, OP. (((())))) and for you.

I just don't know what to suggest. Your DH has created this situation but is now washing his hands of it (presumably it's a problem for the women). I wonder how many traditional households have this toxic set up of an endless power play between the women while the men are sitting pretty, getting and taking whatever they want. It's heartbreaking.

One thing I think you can do, right now, is separate your money right out from everyone else's.

I thought that that might pretty much be it (money & helping each other)

But if for most of the time all of the aduls are working then how can they realistically help out??

It's all going to fall to who works the least or whose hrs are convenient for the school run or whatever.

Sadly there will always be nice people like you who are either taken advantage of or do stuff to their own detriment.

Why would you take time off because SIL had a baby?

Why are you spending money on your nieces?

It can be hard when you willingly do this stuff to understand that others won't automatically treat you the same back-even the ones that you have done it for!

SIL doesn't even respect you enough to ask you directly for childcare-she just expects it!

OP we're mostly coming at this from outside your frame of reference because of the culture difference but I can see you feel you have to work within the limits of culture/tradition here. Fishface has it, read and reread her post, take her up on her offer to talk by PM, you need to learn strategies to deal with this situation which are at odds with the kind of person you obviously are but, in your circumstances, I think it's your best/only option if you're not going to continue to be walked all over. You basically have to become like SIL to a degree, certainly in your handling of the people you live with. You're about to become a mother and that's why you need to learn to stand up for yourself, to push for what's right for you and your child, in short you need to find your inner tigress! If you don't you and your child will be bottom of the pile and you can't let that happen, for your baby's sake if not your own. It will feel completely alien to you to begin with but it will get easier, Fishface sounds like the voice of experience to me, use her knowledge and learn how to get tough. You have two choices here, put up and shut up and end up downtrodden and resentful or use your new role as mother and protector of your child as motivation to show your son or daughter what a strong woman looks like.

You only get one go at this life, culture or no culture if you are unhappy leave. It'll be hard but you need to think about yourself, if your dh loves and respects you he will come with you.

At a lost cause to be honest. DH is too tired from work and I've got to nip out. When I'm back he'll be sleeping.

My dh isn't British and when we go back to his country we stay in pils villa with his db and sil. When bil had his dcs at first I helped out because I like kids. Also they were really struggling and relying way too much on mil. Then I realised my help was expected and I was never given any thanks. Bil and sil barely speak to me anyway. I started to walk away when sil was looking for help or pretend not to notice when she wasn't coping. Sometimes I just would sit in my room. Funnily my dh appreciated my help but I just got sick of being tried like the hired help by bil and did. You don't even need to have a conversation about this. Just keep a low profile. However you do need to move out.

I really feel for you, summer.

Are there any places to rent on the same street or close by to your ILs? A one bedroom flat could suit you, the baby and DH. That way you would have your own space but would see your ILs all the time and retain the closeness.

I know it's not an ideal solution, but I think MIL would understand - BIL and SIL probably less so, but they are abusing you and MILs goodwill and the whole family unit.

spend so much on stuff for both my nieces.

Why do you do this?

Firstly stop spending so much moneyon your dh and his family.
Your SIL doesnt give a shit about you. Tell her you will not be looking after HER kids. If she complains say "no my problem". You and MIL enable her to be a user. Culture or no culture she needs telling. By you. To her face.

Start keeping a detailed diary of who does what out of you, MIL and SIL. Exact chores and times. Do this for at least two weeks. Add a timeline of all that has happened since you have been there in terms of division of domestic labour between the three of you. Then show it to your DH, and your MIL and ask that your FIL is also brought in.

You won't get anywhere treating this as a DH problem because you don't have a nuclear family dynamic. You have a collective, extended family dynamic. And if one person is leeching, then the whole system suffers, and the only way to address it is as a whole family. I appreciate that your MIL is scared but frankly, if your SIL can't manage her own kids for a brief holiday she is wholly unlikely to actually move out and do it on her own, mostly alone given BIL works, fulltime as well as working, is she?

What's her own family background - was her mother someone who waited on her hand and foot or something? Or did she live overseas and have actual paid staff? How did she get this way?

Get your DH and FIL on side, then have a whole family meeting, preferably led by your (currently oblivious?) FIL in which the problem is met head-on, is what I would do. Might that work?

for you. This is very hard, and also very unfair.

OP I'm not Indian but from a similar culture. In my own family 2 brothers live with my parents. It works pretty well with one brother but not the other. I cannot tell you how much grief this generates amongst us yet nobody wants to change the situation.

Don't let this be your life. You need to look after yourself and your baby. If your DH can't or won't step up then you will either have to accept being everyone's slave, move out or as a pp said, out-manipulate your SIL.

There is no point talking to your MIL about this because she is not interested in changing the situation (or doesn't have the energy).

This isn't going to get any better - only YOU can change that.

Sorry OP I hope that didn't come across as being harsh. It's just I've seen first hand how horrific it gets when things become dysfunctional within extended family living. I hope you manage to work something out soon

Listen ... only you are going to stand up for yourself ... so step up and do it now.

I spend so much on stuff for both my nieces

Stop doing this and start saving more money. I think you'll need it.

I was freelancing when I took time off to help SIL and MIL look after SIL's new born baby. So i lost out on 4 weeks wage. I did it because I thought it would benefit everyone. Especially my MIL, I know how tired she often is so I did it more for her than SIL. Little did i know SIL would not appreciate it at all.

So you're going to get taken advantage of again?

Am I just being naively optimistic?

Yes you are.

I suffered a MC a few weeks ago, and go pretty much 0 sympathy from SIL. This comes after a life threatening ovarian cyst rupturing.

You're allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. You're going to have your own child. Stop spending on your nieces like that, especially as it's not appreciated.

It amazes me that we live together and she just doesn't care about me

Why does it amaze you? She's selfish.

I've let it get to far and now I'm stuck.

No you're not stuck. Start standing up for yourself.

I'm mindful of your culture, but I also originate from a culture where inlaws can try and take advantage... but I don't let them.

I've had to stand my ground and I don't rely on my DH to fight my battles with his family. He's crap at confrontation.

I would pull any stunt to get away from being a childminder your SIL. It's time for heavy hints and talk about a return to work.

No matter what your culture, being financially independent gives you options. It means you don't have to put up with crap from your DH or anyone else.

What if you decide your mum will look after your baby and you'll return to work. I don't mean work in the house either. Perhaps you could come in all happy to SIL ... tell her you're mum has agreed to look after the baby to allow you to work full time.

That should wipe the smile of her face.

Ideas on how to win against SIL?

Just keep saying 'sorry, that's not convenient for me, you'll need to make other arrangements'? My concern with standing up to SIL is that she'll just dump on MIL more - but, at the end of the day, MIL is also a grown woman and can say 'no' if she wants. Maybe if she sees you doing it she might feel more assertive? It's 2 against 1 at the end of the day.

I think sleep's suggestion of keeping a tally is a good idea.

"That doesn't work for me" - say it every time you are asked to do something for SIL. Always walk away. Never apologise, never explain.

Summer I think what River said - sorry, that's not convenient for me, you'll need to make other arrangements' - is assertive and there can be no misunderstanding. The only suggestion I would make is to drop the 'sorry' from the beginning.

Just keep saying it, calmly and assertively, in front of DH and the rest of your family and then be out of the house before her the first few days she goes back to work so she physically can't leave the kids with you.

She'll probably lose her shit as she is used to getting her own way but just try as hard as you can to stay calm and just stick to your guns.

I'm sorry to say that if your DH won't back you up on this then you may have bigger problems than your SIL. DH should be putting you and his baby first.

Good luck.

This thread is making me despair.

OP, I really feel for you. Part of me wants to shout "START STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF". Another part of me realises we are getting a glimpse into a world that's reality for many women, no hope of using "no is a complete sentence" tactics when their entire world is governed by these rules and hierarchies. Some women will simply be mistreated simply because they married the wrong brother in the family line (or indeed were born female).

OP, it does sound like you have a few advantages here, such as a degree of financial independence. Please stop spending money on anyone but yourself. I'm rather shocked at the bail-outs and sacrifices you have made for your husband, to be honest.

I also think you need to put your foot down with your husband. I do not think he will leave you for refusing to look after his sister-in-law's children. He may not expect you to out and out refuse, but to refuse is within your power. If he gives you the "talk to MIL" excuse again, explain firmly to him that you both know that this approach will not work, and he will have to try harder.

I have to say your husband is coming across pretty poorly on here.

I'm also not quite clear on your MIL's status. You say she passed on SIL's comments to you and is "now wondering why you're annoyed" which suggests she's not an ally. You then say (I paraphrase) "I asked her why she didn't say anything" which suggests you have a tacit understanding of your SIL's difficult ways. Which is it?

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

Well others have put their advice very clearly. You either go along with it and be miserable or you refuse and take the consequences. :(

Until you actually put your foot down that will be your life.

You say that he 'failed to mention how difficult it would be with SIL'. On that basis, you were misled. You were not given an accurate picture of what you were agreeing to. Time to renegotiate.

Maybe this is the wrong thing to say, but I am sorry that your culture is keeping you in this situation. I cannot imagine not being allowed to go out with my baby when I choose to. :(

You don't win you remove yourself from the competition.

You cannot change any of them. The only person you can change is you.

You have the choice to stay put, be treated like shit and whinge or say enough I/we need to move for our (immediate little) family.

How do you think your DC is going to be treated by SIL? How much noise is going to be made when you spend £0.01 on your DC out of the community budget.

It is easier to change this now before DC is here rather than when you are knackered and more trapped after the birth.