to think DD should not be forced to go to uni because a friend spent £70?

[Bluemoon49]

Apologies for the length of this but wanted to give proper backstory.

DD got accepted into uni this August, is due to start in two weeks. She has long term general anxiety and low self esteem issues. Since results day she has been having second thoughts about going and considering the idea of taking a year out and going to university next September. She definitely wants to go to uni, she just doesn't feel ready for it this year due to a number of reasons. She says she will get a job and do some volunteering in charity events as this is something she's interested in as a career. I have said she can do whatever she wants but she has been very confused and kept changing her mind one way or the other as it's a big decision to defer for a year and she's worried about being a year older when she starts etc

Have told friends that she is having doubts about going this year. There is one in particular, who has known DD since she was 4 and is more like an aunt to her, who is very much of the mind that DD should go this year as it's 'now or never' and if she doesn't go this year she never will. This friend has said to me very firmly that it's up to me to tell DD that she doesn't have a choice and basically force her to go his year. She gets annoyed when I tell her that DD is 19 and can make her own choice and I will support her. She thinks that I am holding her back and DD is being soft/just needs a push from me to get on with her life and that it will be best for her to leave me and be with other young people. I agree with this, but at the moment DD is really depressed, can't get excited about university at all and really feels that it's all happening too fast. I'm worried if she forces herself to go she could end up having a break down and coming home, or at least not making the most of uni.

Now the complicated bit is that DD went to have meningitis jab on Thursday and because she has a phobia of needles and needed someone with her, and I was working, this friend went with her. They then went back to friend's house for lunch. At this point DD was of the mind that she was going to uni as planned this year. My friend had said to me the day before that she would "draw DD out" and "make sure she goes to university". I arrived to pick her up at end of day to find that friend had taken DD out to The Range and bought her a car load of stuff for uni - plates, trays, mugs, cutlery, utensils, pans etc - costing £70. She did this as a 'uni present' for DD as she knows that I couldn't afford to buy her lots of new things and DD was just going to take a few things from home. DD was thrilled with all the lovely things and said that she would go to university this year.

However, as days have passed she has admitted to me that deep down she still doesn't want to go this year and would feel much more comfortable taking a year out. She feels guilty about the £70 that friend spent and feels this means she has to go now. Friend has also planned a party for this Saturday.

Saw friend the other day, along with another friend. Other friend said "so, is it so and so date that DD goes to uni? - that is if she goes!" and friend 1 looked at me meaningfully and said "oh she's going, she has to go, she doesn't have a choice, isn't that right Blue?" and I said "no, she can choose to do whatever she wants." This seemed to annoy friend and she said "yes, but you're not going to tell her that! You tell her she hasn't got a choice!"

DD is very worried that if she chooses not to go to university this year my friend is going to be annoyed. She hasn't said outright that she would be annoyed because of the £70 shopping trip but it seems likely. I know it's an awkward situation and it is embarrassing after she's spent so much, but she chose to do that and DD can still take all the lovely things with her when she goes next year. AIBU to think that DD should be free to defer uni if she wants, despite friend?

My DS suffers with anxiety and rarely leaves the house. He is due to go to Uni in a few weeks. He has no other plans, so he is resigned to going. He is extremely anxious, as am I.
We got my son to contact the Student Support department of his chosen Uni to advise them of his situation. He included a letter from our GP to confirm his anxiety issues and a request for Wellbeing sessions. Most Unis have a fantastic mental health support system, they want their students to stay. These departments are usually well funded and totally geared to the typical student age group; they are so much easier than trying to go through NHS waiting lists. DS' chosen Uni have responded already asking DS to meet them on Day 1. They will advise him about their Drop In Sessions and other help.
My DD is at Uni and says many of her friends take advantage of Student Support and my DH works in a Uni and he speaks encouragingly about these departments.
Look up Student Support on your DD's chosen Uni website and get her to contact them by email. Knowing there is support out there may help her.

I stared uni at 50. I had a good career before uni and am looking at a whole new career after it. If she's not ready don't force it. It would be worse if she goes and fails. She may be put off ever trying again. If she never goes it will not be the end of the world. There are lots of people who never went to uni who live happy, successful and fulfilled lives. There are Lots of students in uni who don't go straight from school. Good luck to both of you whatever she decides.

I went to Uni straight off the bat, because I thought I had no choice. I dropped out of two courses because I had anxiety problems and I WAS NOT READY, and I am likely never going to be able to afford to get a degree now, because the Student Loans people wouldn't give me yet another first-year student loan.

Dear God, don't rush her. Mature students are often better students anyway. And I'm doing fine anyway - testament to the fact that you don't even need a degree at all.

Your friend needs to butt out.

That said, I am uncomfortable with the fact that she is dithering at this very late stage. She has taken a space on a course, and will have already been allocated accommodation, which someone else could have taken. That's a real shame.

A lot of students are 17 when they start Uni. There's even a 16 year old on my DD's course. Will she want to start up with 16/17 yr olds when she's 20?

If she is holding a place at her preferred Uni, will they look on a subsequent application less than favourably because she pulled out at the 11th hour previously? (I genuinely don't know, but that would worry me).

I absolutely agree with purplesel if your daughter doesn't go to uni she needs to do something positive, not just wafting about.

I went to uni in my 30's and got much more from it than when I was 18, when I left to take a paid job half way though my first year. Of course many people enjoy it and get a lot from it, but others find it a disappointment. If the course isn't relevant to you (or to what you want to do afterwards) there seems little point in going for the sake of it.
I also agree with Nevilleswife about Student Support. I worked in a uni both on the academic and the admin side and know that the support offered is much better than the average punter gets from the NHS. Their therapists can often offer help quickly, rather than the patient joining a six month waiting list for CBT for example.

Is there someone independent that she can talk to? Some kind of advisor who isn't you and isn't your friend, who can look at the situation more objectively. Perhaps there is someone at the university who she can talk to?

I took a Gap year and travelled. It was a great experience. But it's hard to say what is best for your daughter.

Only you can truly know the reason why your DD doesn't want to go this year. Do you genuinely believe she'll go next year? My Mum was very protective to the point that she needed someone to tell her to let me go. She also was pouring anxiety into my ear without realizing. Why is your friend doing the things you may want to? Does she sense that your DD reluctance is related to you? The present was rude, as is the party. I'd be really hurt if someone stole that from me and angry at the assumption that it was my friend's decision whether my DD went to uni. I personally think you need to sit down and talk through the anxieties, with a view to her going this year. A gap year might improve confidence but she's not facing the problem but running away or deferring her anxiety for a year. Does she really think a year will make a difference? Why? I was just 18 when I went to Uni in London and I made Rapunzel look outgoing. It did amazing things for my anxieties and confidence, although it wasn't easy. I think if I'd waited, I probably would have convinced myself, or been convinced, not to go.

I will admit I am late to the thread on this one, but I felt I should reply. I think your friend is being very unreasonable and should step out of what is your daughter's choice.

From my own experience I went to university at 18 right after A levels, I left my small hometown for London and lasted half the year. I had no real anxiety issues, indeed I was very social at secondary school and had spent the summer and the one previous on foreign youth exchanges. I was used to being away from home and with people I did not know, but the experience was too much for me with the pressure of being alone in the capital, study and running my own, small, household. I returned to (a different) university the next year, was actively involved in student societies and went on to professional training afterward, but the experience and feeling of failure from those first six months never left me and I believe negatively impacted my academic performance at uni. I dearly wished I had taken the year out that I had wanted to the year previous, but family members in my life had similarly taken the now or never approach. Even now I think the experience of taking a year out would have been of more benefit than rushing off to university. I hope it all works out for your daughter. The worst thing you can do is to take a decision against your best wishes to please other people.

Even if you agree with your friend you might be better not telling her that and tell her that it is your daughter's decision. My daughter went to uni (from home) straight from school and it was the worst decision. We did not know at the time that she was suffering from social anxiety and depression and didn't make a single friend. She said afterwards that she didn't drop out because she didn't want to let anyone down. She did get a decent degree but it took her nearly 6 years to find a job were she is finally happy. She regrets going to uni but is now finally getting the help she needs. I feel so guilty that I did not realise just how unhappy she was, if I had I would have supported her all the way.